|Reviews for Restart|
| freshlogin chapter 2 . 9/21/2012
aww its awesome _ chapter 3 now
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/30/2012
awwwwwww this made my day I really liked it your such a good writer this fanfic made me feel all warm and fuzzy it was so cute sweet and sad at the same time you go girl!
| EpicWriterrrr-TT.TT chapter 1 . 5/12/2012
Anymore stories? I love it so much! I am a big fan of kluke x andropov fanfiction and yours blew my mind
| Pheeja chapter 2 . 9/30/2011
I can't help it Loome, you all are just so nice and kind. Sorry for the late review...
Awwww, this was sweet. I love Kluke/Andropov but i've started liking Jiro/Kluke more... thanks so much again for writing this. I don't deserve it... Thank you, yeah i was close to crying...but i won't cry. Nuff with the crying.
I won't be online after submitting this review, i feel dizzy nd weak i'll be going to bed (i know its early...) i think the fever is coming back...
You did an amazing job, writing this. Thank you so much (-_-).
| Kluke-chan chapter 2 . 9/29/2011
Sweet! Really nice. I wish kitty would see it too 8D. I havn't heard from her since she came back from school. She did say that she had plans D: according to her sister she's first of all not talking to anyone...-covers face with hand- watching depressing stuff on tv and I'm going to give her a long, long bloody lecture on being reckless and stupid! D I can't contact her, she won't reply to PMs and Lily told me that she threw her cell phone across the room and it hit the wall hard and broke -sigh- (not again).
Anyways don't get upset and don't worry i'll have a word with her at school tomorrow...:) If she comes to school...
| Inita chapter 1 . 9/5/2011
Seeing how Yamadori did an /amazing/ job critiquing, I’ll have to step it up a notch ;) (Yamadori, if you’re reading this, don’t take it as a competition e.e I’m trying to save you the work of beta reading for the moment) I had to analyze this quite a bit after reading it for fun the first time...
- “He heard screamings, but he hadn't any idea who was screaming there-“ Actually, it should be ‘screaming’ instead of ‘screamings’ with an ‘s’... ‘screamings’ is not a word. As for that word, it’s a bit overused and I’d suggest changing the second ‘screaming’ to a different synonym.
- “Suddenly, there was a voice, a familiar voice, kind and warm...” The use of commas here seems a bit off... Overused. I’d try writing it like this instead: “Suddenly, there was a kind, familiar, and warm voice...” Too many adjectives, so I suppose you could take one out (I volunteer ‘warm’), but if you want to keep it that way, then don’t worry.
- “Only with the biggest effort, he managed to face her.” I don’t like the use of a comma here. I’d suggest saying this instead: “Only with the biggest effort had he managed to face her.”
- “Like from faraway, he heard Kluke's voice, saying: "Yeah, it's me... You're alive, that's great..." The ‘like’ at the beginning seems a bit out of place here... I could be wrong.
- “He nearly dídn't hear the last word...” The way you’ve worded the words here… It doesn’t seem to flow as you had hoped. I’d suggest this instead: “He barely heard the last word...”
- “And then everything got dark.” Not poking at your grade in education, but depending on what level you’re in, the word ‘got’ has been long disposed of since elementary. We try to extend words here (not so much ‘extend’, but let me explain) so instead of ‘everything god dark’, try ‘everything grew dark’.
- “What a nice place... Exactly the right place to recover...” The word ‘place’ seems quite overused here... I’d suggest either spacing things out, add more detail in the first ‘sentence’, or find another word.
- “It was either peaceful nor nice; in the hospital behind her were every few minutes new patients taken, patients with so severe injuries in some cases, that it was to late to help” Okay, if you have the word ‘nor’, then you should never have the word ‘either’ depending on the phrasing. The rest of the sentence in reality, confuses me… Let me try to rephrase things: “It was neither peaceful nor nice; in the hospital behind her, every few minutes new patients were taken in. Said patients contained such severe injuries that it was too late to help.” Try that instead.
- “'We do all we can, but at the same time we do far too less” A comma after ‘time’ would be nice.
- “severe injuried and the entire time calling after his mother” Why not ‘severely’ injured instead? It’s just the way your sentence is worded...
- “Out of a sudden, a little flower caught her attention. She stood up and, curious, she sat down besides the flower; it was pale blue and the petals where jagged. She looked around; it seemed to be the only flower of this variety in the whole garden. But much more interesting was the fact that the color of the pedals reminded her of something, but she wasn't able to remember what it was...” There are a few things wrong with these sentences, but not much. Instead of ‘out of a sudden’, I’d suggest “all of a sudden” instead. Try this instead: “She stood up and, curiously, sat down besides the flower; it was pale blue and the petals were jagged”. The way you use semicolons here... seems a bit out of order... There are other forms that you can use to combine fragments, but some sentences here can just be left as sentences.
- “Kluke suddenly knew of what the color of the flower her reminded. But while her heart started to beat faster, she wondered why just exactly this flower had cast her.” The phrasing here is a bit off... Try: “Kluke suddenly knew of what the color of the plan reminded her of. While her heart started to beat faster, she wondered why exactly this flower had cast her.” On top of this, judging by the sentences above, the word ‘flower’ is overused... Hence why I used the word ‘plan’ here...
- “Besides it was late and the plant of the hospital had calmed down, so they had finally time to look after the patients inoperative, and they were enough nurses to lack one of them for awhile.” Alright, let me try to rephrase this sentence: “Besides, it was late and the plant of the hospital had simmered down. So they had finally had time to look after patients inoperative, and...” The ending of the sentence confuses me; I have a hard time understand what you’re trying to tell the reader here... Might want to rephrase.
- “Suddenly, she heared painful screamings behind her; she turned around, to see a nurse and a doctor who took a very badly injured patient in one of this hospital beds with the metal rods on each side, which made even health people feeling sick.” Both you and Jess have problems with semicolons and commas. Whereas the latter abuses commas and is lost in their sea, you use them not as frequently, but have a hard time of knowing where to put them. Here, I’d put a period after the first ‘her’ and start “She turned around,” as a new sentence. By the way, spelling error: it’s ‘heard’ and ‘screams’... And the ‘health’ before people should be ‘healthy’.
- “The dark-haired doctor asked worried.” Comma after ‘asked’.
- “He finally calm down- Come, help this person” It should be ‘calmed’ down rather ‘calm’ down.
- “Kluke ascended slowly and went over to them. While these two where still talking about the patient's medical condition, Kluke sneaked a peek at the patient.” This should be the start of a new paragraph. I say this because in the earlier part of the sentence, we were talking about the doctors. Now we’re talking about Kluke. Only if you had something relevant to the situation would I leave this alone. I say this to save myself from being pointed at when it comes to “Blaze in the Labyrinth”. By the way, change ‘where’ to ‘were’
- “unrestreined panic.” It’s ‘unrestrained’; spelling error.
- “She tried to bolster herself up, before she opened the door into his room” Unnecessary comma and I’d changed ‘opened’ to ‘opening’.
- “She saw him lying into a bed; he seemed calm, so that Kluke supposed he was sleeping. But even in his sleep he groaned with pain” Try this instead: “She saw him lying in bed. He seemed calm to the point where Kluke supposed he was sleeping, but even unconscious he groaned in pain.”
- “Nearly his whole body was bandaged.” I’d keep this a part of the previous sentence; the part where Kluke feels her knees trembling should be the only start of the sentence; it doesn’t need an accompanying partner.
- “susurrated” Is this even a word? :/ I’m sorry, but my spell check is going off and I don’t know what you were trying to say... “shushed” maybe?
- “She susurrated very quietly; her whole body was trembling now and she hoped that he wouldn't realize her shaking voice when she whispered” Semicolon abuse... Place a period after ‘quietly’ and start the next part as a new sentence.
- “She approached closer to him. His mouth corners distorted into an exerted seeming faint smile and leaned back into his bed; just as Kluke thought that he had to fall asleep again and wanted to go quietly, Andropv started to talk again.” This sentence confused me a bit. I know what you were saying, but it’s the wording... oh, you also overused another semicolon... er, I think e.e Try this: “She made way to him. The corners of his mouth were distorted into an exerted faint smile. Just as Kluke thought that he had fallen asleep again, Andropov started talking again.” You used too many adjectives in this sentence; that’s why I had such a hard time following what you were trying to say. The human mind can only hold up to a certain amount of adjectives before they drop the description completely. Oh, you also spelt “Andropov”’s name wrong.
- “Kluke, what's with me?” Try: “What’s wrong with me” instead.
- “She couldn't answer; out of a sudden she felt a lump into her throath.” Unnecessary semicolon. Try this instead: “She couldn’t answer and all of a sudden, there was a lump in her throat.”
- “Kluke just couldn't hold back; the tears which she had held back the whole time started to flow over her cheeks.” Same as last time; I’ll revise: “Kluke couldn’t hold back as the tears started to flow down her cheeks.” You’ve used the word ‘tears’ quite a bit here as well as ‘back’, so that’s why I took out a few words.
- “Andropv leaned back when he heard her sobs; the corner of his mouths shook.” First, Andropov’s name is spelt wrong again, and two, unnecessary semicolon and the wording that follows is a bit off. It should be ‘mouth’ rather ‘mouths’ ;) Unless of course, Andropov has a disturbing secret that we don’t really need to know about e.e
- The part with the italics took me off guard; I’d suggest telling that it’s a flashback or put a divider of some sort to separate the flashback from the present.
- "He will be convalesce, won't he?" Kluke asked the doctor, who had found him, worried.” The word ‘worried’ here seems a bit unnecessary; we all know Kluke is worried just by judging the previous texts before the flashback.
- “The doctor looked at her sadly, and when he answered is voice sounded regretful.” Unnecessary comma after ‘sadly’ and ‘is’ should be ‘his’.
- “But he hadn't enough time to finish; she jumped up and ran away, tears flowing over her face.” The words ‘flowing over’ doesn’t seem to make sense... Plus the fragment before the semicolon is so short that it can be combined without use of said colon. Try this: “But he hadn’t enough time to finish for she jumped up and ran away, tears flowing down her face.”
I think that’s about it. Otherwise, it was very good and I like how you captured Kluke’s emotions here ;)
~ SnivyGirl07 (Inita)
| Cam chapter 1 . 9/5/2011
good story please continue ;-)
| Pheeja chapter 1 . 9/4/2011
Awwww, I suck at thankyou's...This was great, Loome! I'm gonna try my best not to cry... Thank you so much...You guys are the best! I feel guilty...everyones doing so much 4r me...and me? I havn't done anything...I owe you guys big time...
It was sweet of you to write this for me, Thanks...Kluke/Andropov is my favourite pairing! I'll be looking 4wd 4r chp 2 ;)
Thanks again, this made me sooo happy! xD I'm gonna post up ur poem on Da and my profile tomorrow! I'm happy now, I feel like hugging you, but we can't since we r far away...Thank you soo much.:)
Ur the best Loome. I would have posted the poem now, but Its 11 pm and i have school in the morning...-.-
THANKS AGAIN, :)