|Reviews for Survivors|
| Impish Wisdoms chapter 2 . 9/15/2011
Your idea intrigues me, and the story is off to a great start. Just some things: Misty may-was that in the movie? If not...I don't like it. Just me, I guess. Also, the crime lord was a bit soft and unbelievable, although I understand the attachment, I think the application process was far too easy. Maybe more details on that? The bit about the mouse was pretty funny though, and I liked the "Jezebel" detail. I need to watch those movies! M'kay, 'bye now! Happy writing!
| Genius-626 chapter 2 . 9/11/2011
Wow. this is really turning into an awesome AU/OC fic.
Nice flash forward, really well executed. Well written, too, I really like you writing if I havn't said so already. The story is starting to unraval nicely, very nicely. I'm really digging this family connection Trinity has with these children, its refreshing.
I really don't have anything else to say other than keep it coming and good job!
| Genius-626 chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
Before I critique, I apologize for my hidious run-on sentenses. I also will say that if you do decide to leave this as a one-shot, it would work, but this definitely has potential in becoming multi-chaptered. I have some ideas if you’re interested.
Ok, first of all, I loved it. Short and sweet; a concept I've yet to stumble upon until now; insightful; clear; enjoyable.
It’s also quite innovative on your part. I like Priest’s “mentor,” it reminded me a little of the graphic novel. I don’t know if you’ve read it, but teams of Priests are more like army companies, complete with commanding officer, although those leaders were a bit harsher than yours. Yeah, this whole story kind of had a comic-bookish feel to it, or at least I felt that way. I’m pretty you didn’t do that on purpose, but I like the effect. It probably sounded that way to me because of how clear and straight forward it is. I can see the pictures in my head and imagine Priest’s thoughts as squares of text in the corner of the page.
Anyway, just a random thought, I don’t know whether or not you made up the fact that if light reflects off the eyes then they’re familiars, but that was cool nonetheless. Details like that add credibility even though this is fan fiction.
Back on topic, I’m assuming this is Priest at a much younger age since its set well before the movie and only two years after the war, so I enjoy what you’ve done with the perspective. I especially love his contemplations and thoughts about peacetime in the beginning. Again, your writing style is very clear cut, which is good. Not like me, I can go on one thought for paragraphs and bore people senseless. However, the voice did tweak me just a bit. It sounded a little too young to me at the beginning, almost naïve, if you know what I mean.
I loved the subtle mention of Shannon, it was very dynamic. Again, if you decide to continue, I’d like to gradually hear more about his feelings.
Also, also, also, I really like your imagery. It’s simple – not a bad simple, this is a very good simple because it’s so clear. Again, to use myself as an example of what not to do, I tend to over-explain things in order to saturate the reader’s very brain cells. I like that you restrain from this.
Continuity question, did Trinity already have guns and ammo while she was hiding under the couch, or did she pick it up later, because I missed that. And it a little confusing why she would actually hiding under the couch when she in fact killed all those vampires and later walked into the dangerous horizon (of doom, basically,) but I do understand both events. I like the fact that Priest has to gain her trust and lure her out as well as when she walks off into certain peril, but at the same time doesn’t quite add up to me.
Honestly, I thought they would make her a Priestess or something, but then I remembered that the war was over and they didn’t need any more Priests, which rouses another question. If it’s been two years after the war ended, why are they still looking for survivors? I think that job would’ve been done by then, but it might not be. More details on that subject would be nice.
I really like the fact that her name is Trinity btw, I can tell you put some thought into that one, it being religious and all. Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind when I see that name “Trinity” is The Matrix, if you’re familiar with the trilogy (which I’ve religiously given most of my fan fiction career to).
Again with the getting back on topic, I really like this. Your grammar is awesome, I know I haven’t mentioned that – because I didn’t have to! I’m grammar police, so I’m very happy with this fic grammar-wise as well as plot-wise and content-wise. I hope to see more.