|Reviews for Dahlia and the Puppet|
| DaughterofDemeter123 chapter 2 . 9/29/2011
Okay, I can understand what your trying to do here. Hot guy. OC. True love, but wait! Tragedy strikes, an her skeleton is found centuries later. I don't want to be mean, this is just constructive criticism. but this story needs to be completely redone. You also need a good Beta for all of your work, because to be blunt, you need one.
Problem 1: Grammar & Spelling
It is hard for a reader, such as myself, to take your fanfiction seriously if you misspell a main character's name right off the bat. Brennen does not have four N's. Just saying. Page brakes are another thing we should talk about; use them. Not a seven word sentence without any punctuation. If more trained eyes than mine were to look at this, I'm sure they would spot more errors.
Problem 2: Credibility
What do the japanese do when they find the priceless remains on their soil? Call the AMERICAN FBI to take care of it? No. No. Just no. They would not do that. At all. Seriously, there are forensic teams in other places. And another thing; I highly doubt that even Angela would be able to find the name of a hundred plus swedish skeleton and also figure out her love-life. And no, I doubt that they teach a bunch of impressionable school kid all about mass murderers. Actually, I know they don't. I'm an impressionable school kid, and we're currently learning about Indian culture.
Problem 3: Characterization
Deidara, while he is freaking hot, is not in any way nice. He's an insane terrorist that wants nothing more than to blow up the world. Zetsu eats people, he doesn't heal them. Booth, while both arrogant and moronic in ways only me can be, is not an idiot. He would at more than one entry of the diary before making assumptions. Please do some research on the characters themselves before writing!
Okay, rant over. Ever heard of an Official Fanfiction Academy (OFU)? Please, visit the wiki, and read one. They're eye opening- you know? And look up the PPC (Protectors of the Plot Continuum) while you're at it. You won't be disappointed, or so I hope.
And so I take my leave, hopefully on a happy note.
-DaughterofDemeter123, fangirl, nerd, and a fellow author