|Reviews for Ultimate SpiderMan: Heroes Never Die|
| Guest chapter 12 . 4/16
NEED MORE 3
| The Outsider 1 chapter 12 . 7/8/2015
Awesome. Worthy of being made into a comic book, TV series, or even a video game.
| Guest chapter 12 . 4/17/2015
Hey lucky u something like this did happen. U know besides the fact that mj was dating someone and just left
| Traitor of All Traitors chapter 12 . 4/2/2015
| Toni Icarus chapter 10 . 6/26/2014
| mkeeg91 chapter 12 . 9/29/2013
I'm afraid it's gonna be Carol waiting for him behind the door. I hope beyond all hopes (that sounded better in my head by the way) that this is NOT the case, but it just seems with the cliffhanger that it will occur...
glad Peter and MJ are back together and that Tony turned out to be alright.
glad Peter was able to reconnect with Jess as well
| 13582ju chapter 12 . 11/1/2012
Amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing! This is a spectacular story! You should really write an epiloge! It would be great to see every one's expressions on seeing Peter's return!
| Godzillafan93 chapter 11 . 7/11/2012
You know what? You're right, it did get cut off. On top of that, you can't review the same chapter more than once. Here it is:
The Ultimates distance themselves from SHIELD after their use during an American invasion of Iran triggers a multinational coalition of mass-market super heroes invading the nation and imprisoning them, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, and Spider Man. Natasha Romanova (BLACK WIDOW) was a traitor, and was killed by Hawkeye in revenge for her murdering his family and blaming Captain America. Long story short, Peter wouldn’t have been training with them if he was in SHIELD captivity; in fact, he was shot during a confrontation between Nick Fury’s Avengers and Carol Danvers’ New Ultimates, protecting Captain America. As a result of *that,* by the way, Cap hung up his shield entirely, refusing to become Captain America again even when Reed Richards destroyed Asgard. Nick Fury is back on Earth-1610, anyway, and it was him who let Frank Castle out of the Triskelion, indirectly setting the stage for Peter’s death. Danvers was critically injured during the above confrontation, ending up in the hospital and being replaced by Fury once again as director of SHIELD.
Johnny and Bobby move out of the Parker house (probably feeling a little guilty about not being able to stop the Sinister Six on their own, which is ultimately what killed Peter). They end up in the Morlock tunnels with Kitty and Wolverine’s son, where they reform the X-men, who’d been inactive after the Ultimatum Wave and the deaths of most of their roster (including Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Beast, Nightcrawler, and Wolverine).
Peter and MJ are both minors (I assume, since dates are hard to figure on Earth-1610; as far as I know, it’s still 2002 there and George Bush is still president). On top of this, they talk about sex right before the Ultimatum, but agree to wait; so far as I know, the issue was never raised again. As such, while I find it at least believable that they’d go all the way after MJ learned Peter was still alive, it seems odd for her to comment about them doing it “again,” since so far as I know, this was the first time it had happened. I’m also a little confused as to where it occurred. Whose apartment were they at?
X-23: Your inclusion of an Ultimate X-23 is interesting, but she seems somewhat…lost in everything else that’s going on. Perhaps a parallel story explaining her origins, rather than just throwing her in here, only to have her vanish after about a chapter and a half would better serve the character, since she seems somewhat pointless otherwise. Also, Peter seems to know exactly what she’s capable of, with none of her attacks (including the boot blade) catching him off guard. Since this is something Wolverine could never do, logically it ought to surprise him.
Apart from that, you have an inconsistent way of referring to characters by their real and secret identities. For Tony Stark, that’s pretty easy, since he’s a public persona, and refers to himself as Stark when in combat. However, the general rule of thumb to go by for pure text-based hero stories is to use whatever term whoever is narrating would describe the character as. Thus, Peter, MJ, Gwen, Johnny, Bobby, Kitty, and Kenny would probably think of Spider Man as Peter, but individuals not in the know would see the character in his persona as his masked alter-ego. They’d do the same for villains (i.e., Shocker would be “Shocker,” not Herman Schultz, unless he’s unmasked and depowered; real names mean the narrator either is sympathetic or trying to psychologically depower whoever they’re talking to). Another scene, when Hawkeye is released from Peter’s webbing, you refer to him as “Hawkeye or Clint.” This is just awkward. At least pick one or the other; both is never good.
Here’s another example:
“The soldier was known as Hawkeye and was the most accurate of the super soldiers known as the Ultimates. His target was elusive and fast, able to dodge his arrows with ease and was hard to locate as his costume made it to where he could easily blend into his environment. The destroyed and darkened cityscape only made it that much more difficult to do so.”
A better way to say this might be:
“The soldier known as Hawkeye prided himself on being a master archer, one of the best who’d ever lived, a modern-day Robin Hood. As a member of the Ultimates, he’d fought numerous opponents, from monsters to mutants to foreign mass-produced super heroes, and always come out on top. But his current target was as fast as he was elusive, dodging everything Hawkeye threw at him, while, thanks to his suit (a gift from Tony Stark, damn him) allowed him to hide just about anywhere. Hunting his target in the destroyed cityscape in the dead of night only made things worse, and made him all the more frustrated.”
Do you see the difference? One is somewhat bland and wordy, while the other actually shows what might be going through Hawkeye’s head, rather than just telling us what he’s doing. The trick to writing is to draw your reader into the character’s head. But, again, that’s your call. You have a different style than I do, so I can’t expect you to match up exactly with me.
The only other thing I could suggest is that you use more description. With a comic, everything is dialogue driven, and we get to see exactly what the character does, but at the expense of smell, hearing, and the other tactile senses. Writing prose like this gives you the opportunity to tell us what it’s like to actually *be* inside the symbiote, actually swing through New York City, actually be locked away in the Triskelion. Take advantage of this!
Well, this is now a five page review. I hope I don’t offend you with anything I’ve said; I’m really giving it to you straight, and I’m only saying this because I think it’ll help you out. Feel free to drop me a message anytime.
Yours, and looking forward to your other two stories,
| Godzillafan93 chapter 12 . 7/6/2012
I got on a Spider Man kick about a month ago, and decided to revisit Ultimate Spider Man. I remember reading the first graphic novel in middle school, and being immediately drawn in to Marvel’s reboot of my favorite character. Now Peter Parker was more relatable to me, and I have to say I loved the stories.
Much to my dismay, perusing the Marvel wikia (a website which, if you aren’t familiar with it, is an invaluable reference source for anyone who, like me, doesn’t have the money to purchase comics, nor the ability to borrow them), I learned of Peter’s death last winter. I suspect I would’ve learned of this sooner, but for the fact that I’ve been living without internet and cable since winter 2010.
While the “Death of Spider Man” arc itself was compelling, and while I ultimately like the way in which Peter met his end, the fact remains that I disagreed mightily with Marvel’s decision to kill Spider Man-1610.
Well, fortunately, True Believers, those of us unhappy with what “the man” does with our beloved characters, we now have a way to tell stories the way *we* would: FFN.
This is the first Spider-Man story I’ve read on here (in fact, it’s the first comics inspired story I’ve yet read at all). Given the average level of writing competence on this site, I’m always concerned when I encounter a story with a premise I like, since nine times out of ten it ends up not living up to my expectations.
Well, your story meets just about every requirement I can think of for what I would consider a solid fan fiction:
Number 1: Your premise is solid. While this isn’t necessarily an absolute *must* for a story, it’s still important. A good writer can pull off a bad idea, but not as well as a good writer can pull off a good idea, and this is exactly what you’ve done.
Number 2: You have a solid grasp of the English language. For the most part, you follow the conventions of your chosen language. While not everyone on this site writes in their native language (and therefore some errors are forgivable), native or fluent speakers need to actually follow the rules of English. This, for the most part, you do (and to be fair, reading some of my stuff can be pretty bad as far as this goes).
Number 3: This is probably the most important, since I tend to be a somewhat cynical reader (I find writers tend to have higher standards than the average person on here), your story kept me interested. *Really* interested.
To explain my situation better, I lack internet access. In order to get on FFN, I have to take my laptop with me somewhere that has Wi-Fi (occasionally a friend’s house, but more often than not McDonald’s). Once there, I don’t often have the time to actually read fan fiction. Instead, I’ll click on the first chapter of a story that strikes my fancy, will skim it for content, then, if it makes the cut, I’ll proceed to open each chapter as a separate tab in my browser (which is time consuming and causes system lag).
I encountered your story Friday (the June 29), oddly enough while discussing starting an FFN podcast with a friend of mine. It seemed interesting, so I opened it the next day at the library, and read it both before and after a job interview. Much to my dismay, I didn’t actually manage to fully load chapter 12, meaning I was left hanging for two days as to what the outcome of the story would be. More to the point, I found I actually *cared,* something most professional writers can’t do and something a writer on FFN has *never* managed. Simply put, your story drew me in and kept me there, which is no mean feat. So kudos to you for that.
However, having praised your work, I find I must also point out a few issues. These are, for the most part minor, but you should nonetheless be aware of them. Constructive criticism is something I always want, rather than bland and mindless “that wuz good” or “that suked,” and you seem like the kind of person who does too. So here’s what I’ve got:
Each of your chapters ends with “To be Concluded.” This indicates the next chapter will be the last, but this is only true for Chapter 11. You should end with “To be Continued” instead.
You consistently misspell Triskelion. It may be spelled that way on Earth-616 (I’m honestly not sure), but since this is a story set on an alternate Earth-1610, you should go with the way its spelled in your subject matter. This is such an easily checkable error, I was a little disappointed you not only made it, but continued to make it.
Likewise, SHIELD is an acronym, not a simple name. As such it should be either all capitals (SHIELD), or S.H.I.E.L.D. Personally, I favor all caps (because all those little periods are a massive pain); the moral of this story is it isn’t “Shield” and it’s *never* “shield.”
There were a few other minor errors, mostly which would seem to result from a rush to press. The vast majority of them involved either incorrect homonyms, or not capitalizing names when you should have (I remember you doing this with Danvers, for sure, and probably a few other times as well). I can understand this (God knows I have this problem sometimes), but it’s still important to run Spellcheck and at the very least do a once over of your story before publishing it. I find proofreading works best on actual paper, and should be done either by another person, or by you at least an hour (preferably a day) later. I used to be a professional proofreader, so trust me on that.
Now that we’ve handled the more general issues, let’s get down to the specifics. Bear with me, because there will be a payoff for this.
Peter Parker: You handling of him was kind of a mixed bag. Sometimes you wrote him spot on, and sometimes you just…didn’t seem to be quite hitting the mark. The scene which comes immediately to mind is the one where he’s fighting Hawkeye. The repeated hand gestures he was making behind Hawkeye’s back didn’t really fit with the way the character is usually portrayed. Peter Parker is a smarmy, sarcastic teenager. As a smarmy, sarcastic teenager myself, this seemed somewhat…childish. I could see him making rude comments on how Hawkeye was dressed; the way he verbally taunted the Ultimate made a bit more sense and felt more accurate. Generally speaking, Peter Parker is a sarcastic guy, and so just about every interaction between Spider Man and anyone else should reflect this, in all but the direst situations.
Carol Danvers: You seem to have a better grasp of her. I don’t know as much about her (aside from the fact that she is *not* Ms. Marvel and also not a good guy), but by and large the things you wrote for her seemed like things she would’ve actually said. Her dressing Peter down for being immature during the simulation, for example, was very authentic, as was her comment about Hawkeye needing to heal his ego. The only exception to this is her comment to Peter toward the beginning about how female agents were looking forward to working with him due to his…figure. Peter Parker is, at most, 17 here. That’s just gross to have adults attracted to him. Unless you just wanted Danvers to be screwing with him, in which case I’ll allow it.
Mary Jane Watson: You seem to have her down pat. Aside from one scene (which we’ll discuss later), I have no complaints with how she’s handled.
Antonio “Tony” Stark: On the flip-side, it seems as if Peter and Tony have had a major falling out at some point off panel. Their interactions always seem like uncle/nephew (such as a scene in which a dismayed Peter was forced to fight the Ultimates as Venom; when Tony showed up, Peter was beside himself, exclaiming “Not Iron Man! I love Iron Man!” at the prospect of having to fight someone he looked up to). The two seem much colder toward each other, and it seems to have been mutual and an existing state, rather than one reacting to the actions of the other. If you wanted to build up to Tony betraying his lover Danvers, you could’ve instead had him be unduly harsh to Peter, in order to create confusion in Peter’s mind and make his ultimate goal (to let Peter go) all the more interesting. The way you did it, I have to say, just didn’t work for me. This was probably the character I had the hardest time with your portrayal of. Iron Man, by the way, is two words, just like Spider Man.
Shocker: Arguably my favorite of Earth-1610’s villains. I love this guy, and his reaction to Scarlet Spider’s appearance was, well, hilarious. However, he seems to have gotten just a little bit darker. He always seems like a likably inept and woefully incompetent person for whom situations often spiral out of control and who would never willingly kill someone, simply because he’s just not that kind of guy. But then again, that’s my reading of him, so take it for what it’s worth.
Here are some specific story aspects I either liked or disliked:
The use of the Venom symbiote by SHIELD to cure Peter ought to have had more dire consequences than it did. I was reading *War of the Symbiotes* at the same time as this story, so I found it interesting that you brought the sample SHIELD obtained into play, but I think it ought to have had more impact on the story than it did. Venom is bad news, and yet here it doesn’t have any negative effects on Peter at all, which makes it all the stranger when Tony mentions that he was against its use; why, since nothing ever came of it?
The Ultimates distance themselves from SHIELD after their use during an American invasion of Iran triggers a multinational coalition of mass-market super heroes invading the nation and imprisoning them, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, and Spider Man. Natasha Romanova (BLACK WIDOW) was a traitor, and was killed by Hawkeye in revenge for her murdering his family and blaming Captain America. Long story short, Peter wouldn’t have been training with them if he was in SHIELD captivity; in fact, he was shot during a confrontation between Nick Fury’s Avengers and Carol Danvers’ New Ultimates, protecting Captain America. As a result of *tha
| Jetman21 chapter 2 . 4/7/2012
This is epic man. Hope you include other characters and keep it at this level of awesome
| knightmare1986 chapter 12 . 12/7/2011
Great story! Keep it up.
| OLD USERNAME DON'T FOLLOW chapter 12 . 11/20/2011
There is a thing called a sequel. I demand one.
| Grace1776 Jr chapter 11 . 10/22/2011
Crimson Spider. Now that is interesting. Have the original become Ben Riley and take on the mantel. That would be a neat idea. Another chapter to go so I guess I will find out. Great story so far.
| Grace1776 Jr chapter 4 . 10/22/2011
X-23! No way. Did not see that coming. Now that is a team up I want to see. Ultimate Spiderman and X-23. That match is even beter than the Shadowcat/Spiderman. Great Idea.
| Grace1776 Jr chapter 2 . 10/22/2011
So fare i like this story alot. Just red the "Death of SpiderMan" and was thinking of a story very much along these lines...don't worry, not going to steal your idea. But glad I wasn't the only one that was thinking this up.
I lookforward to reading these next chapters. Will Spider-Woman being showing up since she works for shield since the DOOMSDAY book?