|Reviews for Insert Voyage into a Doomed Future Here|
| THE-BANNED-AUTHOR chapter 1 . 10/11/2012
Picky picky Garth ;P something tells me I missed a story of yours. Well Whitehouse is done now. He actually just wanted to help, but that just ruined stories
| The Layman chapter 1 . 9/14/2011
Yay! Gareth caught a Gary-Stu!
| complexities chapter 1 . 9/14/2011
Another good story, so soon after your last. There were some errors in grammar - verb tense and punctuation - but as you keep writing those should gradually disappear. Thanks for the brief appearance of Karissa!
I'm glad that I got a general sense of what The Time Machine is about, after reading this. I tried to watch the film once, but I was too young, and the movie too scary at the time.
| Library Arcanium chapter 1 . 9/14/2011
So many kudos to you on this story. The Time Machine has always been a personal favorite of mine, particularly since I watched the Wishbone version of it. (American kids show about a dog who would read famous stories and then act them out. For the budget it had, it always did an amazing job.)
I like how you talk about Gareth's troublesome inventing issues and it might be fun actually show the results of something like the Land Shark Gun happening around the Library.
However, I found a few technical issues that flipped a couple of soft bells in the back of my head. First, many of your spoken sentences lack punctuation before the second quotation mark. You also don't any scene spacers-the entire story runs together and it's almost kind of like a giant run-on sentence when you go from him in the Library to the fandom and back again. It might be the site being obnoxious and deleting the lines you use for breaks, so just double check before you post and remember that the site doesn't support lines in stories.
A few of your sentences don't quite click well. For example, when Gareth is asked to drop his sword. He obeys, but then you say 'The sword skittered across the floor and vanished under a workbench.' That kind of implies Gareth either tossed it down with such force the weapon somehow managed to get momentum to go across the floor or he dropped it, then kicked it away with his foot. I know it sounds like I'm splitting hairs, but it happens more than once across the story and generally, once a reader sees something like that once, they start looking for more examples and it jars them out of the story a bit.
Also, I felt like you missed a lot of opportunities to develop Gareth and Whitestone. Tthe narrative mentions that Gareth has been chasing the Stu for a year! So where is that? After a year of chasing one another, I would think two people would known each other well and bear some sort of enmity for one another, snapping at one another and frustrated at the other always showing up. Conflict, tension between them-these things would naturally develop over such a relationship. But I don't see that in the story. They're just two characters exchanging dialogue. But there's no passion or drive behind that dialogue.
For example, Whitestone tells Gareth he's not afraid of Gareth shooting him because Gareth missed him in the Dracula fandom and he thinks that's a sign Gareth wants to be like him. A good train of thought for a sympathetic villain to have. But you don't show us that Gareth doesn't feel that way, you tell us that he's got a second shot. Yet that's obvious to the reader without outright telling them. Of course Gareth has a second shot right now-he's got a gun. It might have worked out better if Gareth had told Whitestone out and out 'I missed then, but not now. This time, I'm taking you in.' or something.
Again, I may be splitting hairs but the purpose of a review is to share one's opinion and offer suggestions. So as one writer to another, you have much potential and much to offer, just keep writing and working on gaining some momentum and attention to the little details that trip us all up from time to time