Reviews for Web of Shadows
silverstarsofquebec chapter 6 . 1/1/2012
Whoa. Did not see that coming.

Now I must commend you, Artemis's Liege! That was an impressive display of practically every Mary-Sue trait in existence! I have to admit, I actually believed that you had no clue that you were writing a Mary-Sue (despite the fact that the other pieces of yours that I've read have all been fantastic) (and I had half a mind that your account had gotten hacked, and someone was just posting a troll fic), and you were going in a way JUST like 'My Immortal' (God, thinking about that story makes me want to jump off a cliff). I will say that I don't know much about Spiderman (apart from the little I learned from the movies) and Joe Quesada sounds rather...well, idiotic, for lack of a better word that I am too lazy to think of.

I almost feel bad for my previous review of this story, but, eh, she really was just a crazy Mary-Sue. Props to you, author. And just so you know I'm not hung up on have an amazing skill with description, your writing itself (not this exact plot) is great. Great job! :)
Shain-of-Ireland chapter 6 . 1/1/2012
Read the author's notes in the sixth chapter...


This was so cleverly written. You yourself got into character as a Mary Sue writer (were you channeling Quesada for this role, lol), defending a shit character to the end as though she was a mere OC. The brilliance of it all is mind blowing. I mean you write a story about a canon character of Marvel comics, while passing her off as an OC, as though she was your original character. Then you write her so ridiculously self-praising and perfect that people will have to leave you numerous notes and messages raving about how she is a Mary Sue and just God awful...and THEN you reveal that you knew all along that you were writing about a real character from Marvel and that a Mary Sue portrayal of her is IN CANON to how she is written in the comics. To me you were saying "See how annoying this character is? Don't you just hate how I write her? Well guess what Marvel fans, there's a Carlie in the real Spiderman universe...and she's a Mary Sue...and she canon."

I tipped my hat to you.
keeponrockin'inthefreeworld chapter 6 . 1/1/2012
You have no idea how relieved I am to know the whole thing was not serious *wipes sweat from brow*
Night Fiction chapter 6 . 1/1/2012
You... MAGNIFENT BASTARD! I praise you, XDXD! You got me XD
Descendent chapter 5 . 12/30/2011
I'm sorry. I read the entire thing through and held out judgement for the end, but I'm sorry. This story is troll science/Mary Sue fandom at its finest.

You do a very good job with descriptive writing and you have a flair for painting a picture, not neccisarily a good picture, but a picture.

I understand Fanfiction is about writing your takes on stories and the charicters contained within. I myself and guilty on manipulating charicters and changing them to fit the needs of the story at times, but sadly you took it to far and made everyone worship and OC who was perfect in everyway with no visible flaws and just a gerneral banality towards the pre-exsisting charicters and known charicter interactions.

I wont say anyones work is terrible, because people poor theyre energy into things and try to write what they wish to see, but I am not a fan of this fic and won't be reading anymore.
The Fic Critic continued chapter 5 . 12/29/2011
Carlie listened closely, and she could hear another person speaking on the other end of the line, but she couldn't distinguish any words. She looked at Kitty hopefully, but the other girl just shook her head.

"Did Boss call for action yet?" Northstar queried in his monotone.

Carlie frowned. Who did Northstar work for?

"Great," Northstar said into the phone. "I'll get right on that. The same plan as always." He hung up the phone.

Carlie motioned to Kitty to take them back into the hall. "I'm going to talk to him. Wait in the wall in case I need help."

Kitty grasped Carlie's hand. "Be careful, Carlie. I would hate myself if I let you get hurt!"

(Well don’t worry, if all else fails, Jean will come in to bash Satanism, just as a loyal pineapple should.)

"It'll be okay." Carlie smiled courageously, then knocked on the door.

A few seconds passed before Northstar answered. "Hello, Carlie," he said, opening the door wide. "Would you like to come in?"

"That's okay," Carlie declined. "I just wanted to talk to you."

Northstar's expression remained blank. "What would you like to talk about?"

Carlie took a guess. "I wanted to welcome you the Xavier Institute, and if you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me."

A look of intense pain crossed Northstar's beautiful face. "Do you really mean it, Carlie? I could really use someone to talk to right now."

(Wait, what? Really? He’s messing with her right? No, Northstar, you’ve been depicted as a stoic, you’re not allowed to express pain!)

"Of course," Carlie responded kindly.

"Not her (her? You mean here, right?)," Northstar said. "Meet me tomorrow in the grove of trees where you saw me today."

"I don't know . . ." Carlie said, her suspicions raised.

"You can bring all of your friends," Northstar assured her. "I just want to talk to you."

Carlie stared at him, trying to deduce his motives, and as she gazed upon him, the beauty of his face face (double word) seemed to twist and warp. She blinked in surprise, and his face returned to normal. She supposed it had just been because of his pained expression.

"I'll think about it," she replied guardedly, before she glided down the hall.


"What's this about, Carlie?" Jean inquired when she, Scott, Kitty, Pietro, Lance, and Carlie had assembled in the library.

"I talked to Northstar today," she informed them seriously.

"The criminal?" Scott frowned in thought. "He could be dangerous."

"Yes," Carlie replied. "He asked me to meet him in the woods tomorrow. Just to be safe, I'd like all of you to accompany me."

"For you, anything, Carlie!" Jean smiled brightly at her as everyone else nodded fervently in agreement.

"Then it's settled." Carlie stood determinedly. "I'll meet Northstar in the woods tomorrow."

(Wait, why hasn’t Jean just read his mind, since she has no problem doing that in this story, unlike her cannon self.)


A/N: Bruno Mars owns the lyrics to "It Will Rain".

(No, the Record Company he works for owns the lyrics, he just made them. Its the same as with comics and characters, Stan Lee doesn’t own the X-Men, but he did create the first few of them.)

Ok, my final opinion:

Fuck/10. Yes, its so bad it doesn’t earn a number, just a swear word.

In comparison to previously, it did improve in some small areas, such as Carlie’s awkward approaching of Northstar, but for the most part, it was stupid.

Kitty keeps dressing in outfits her cannon self wouldn’t look twice at. Seriously, its all really OOC for her. She’s worn skinny jeans and skirts before, but she never rolled up the skirt to bare her legs to him, in fact, I don’t think anyone on the show did.

The Take That at MJ was not only out of place and uncalled for, but is just inviting flames. Mary Jane Watson is a lot more likable and popular than Carlie Cooper, so congratulations on being stupid enough to have her bash MJ, its a great way to show how obviously trollific you are.

The plot itself isn’t that bad, a new student who has a criminal record, is apparently up to something but refused to talk to people and is incredibly stoic and blows up trees? Its not a bad way to depict Northstar, too bad you’re the one doing it.

So, I’m off, I’m going to find a fanfic that not only writes characters fair, but uses MJ in a likable, in character way and keeps Carlie Cooper either out of the way, or in the way of slapstick violence. Spider-Man Evolution does just that, so I’ll be reading that.

I have no plans to keep reviewing Web of Shadows, but since some have said I make it partially bearable, I’ll think about it. But, if those reading wish to read more of me making fun of this troll fic, I have the following demands: For someone to make a page about me on TV Tropes, a story written that involves Carlie Cooper turning out to be a shapeshifting mutant and responsible for One More Day and ends with MJ killing her, someone to dress like a carrot top headed clown and find Joe Quesada before running up to him, kicking him in the dark, then stop him and say ‘Sir, sir, SIR, you’ve just been kicked in the nuts’. Oh, and a piece of chocolate, and a lock of James McAvory’s hair. Nah, I’m just kidding, forget the hair and chocolate.

I am the Fic Critic, because someone had to say it.
The Fic Critic continued chapter 5 . 12/29/2011
Next part:

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, and other plot elements belong to Marvel. Any products or copyrighted material belong to their respective owners. I do not gain any profit from this page.

(Ignoring that.)


Later in the evening, Pietro spoke to Carlie.

"Hey, Carlie," he said. "I know that Lance has already asked you out, but I also really like you. You're a really amazing girl."

Carlie was flattered. "Thank you, Pietro," she said gracefully. "That really means a lot to me."

Pietro smiled at her. "Would you be interested in going out with me?"

Carlie wasn't sure what to do. She was receiving all of this attention from so many boys. She didn't want to hurt Pietro's feelings, so she sighed. "Oh, Pietro. I would love to go out with you, but Northstar had already asked me to be his girlfriend." Carlie wasn't lying to be mean, she just didn't want to hurt Pietro's feelings. She still felt guilty, though.

"Oh." Pietro looked sad. "Well, I can understand why you would date him. He's very good-looking."

(Oh, I knew you were gay too. Why don’t Pietro and Lance get together? They already had so much gay vibes in the story so far they’d get along great. They did go to movies and dinner and have great times, Lance even said so before asking her out.)

"He is," Carlie agreed, frowning and concentrating hard. Why did Northstar look so familiar? But then again, she didn't really recognize him as much as she felt like she should recognize him. He said he had been a criminal, so had he been part of her rogues' gallery when she was Spider-Girl? She shrugged. It was possible.

Pietro brightened. "Hey Carlie, if you ever get bored with Northstar, let me know, okay?" H e waggled his eyebrows. "You don't even have to break up with him for you and me to get together."

Carlie laughed melodiously, exposing her brilliant, white teeth. "I'll keep that in mind."

Pietro nodded. "Okay. Hey, are you coming downstairs? We're watching Valentine's Day."

"Who's watching it?" Carlie asked cautiously.

"Jubilee, Amara, Gambit, Lance, Sam, Rahne, Roberto, Jean, and Scott," Pietro responded promptly.

"Not Rogue?" Carlie asked apprehensively.

"That Satanist slut?" Pietro laughed scornfully. "Professor Xavier kicked her out today. She's so stupid that she flunked out of school."

(WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU-Wait, need to calm down. Ok, One, how can she be a slut? SHE CAN’T EVEN TOUCH ANOTHER PERSON! A ‘slut’ is a dregatory term directed at women who instead of conforming to monogamous relationships, they instead chose to have casual sex with males, usually friends (And as such, to be a ‘slut’, it would require TOUCHING). Its both a term that doesn’t fit her and one I hate since that, while I’m a guy, I’m also an equal rights supporter, and I think its bullshit that girls are called sluts for sleeping around when guys are treated as if they’re awesome for it. How is that fair? The double standard argument works both ways people. Secondly, Xavier wouldn’t kick someone out for flunking, have you never seen the guy. Oh, but now you’re probably saying ‘wait, wasn’t he going to kick Evan out that one time?’ That is true, but that wasn’t because he was flunking, that’s because he kept turning up late, when called out on it he didn’t care, he couldn’t respect authority, he had no interest in learning, and was in all fairness and asshole. Xavier would have been an idiot to not contemplate kicking him out. And thirdly, when has Rogue ever been an idiot? Remember, she’s very sarcastic and is bullied badly by the others, those usually imply she’s pretty smart.)

"Oh, good." Carlie sighed in relief. "I was never scared of her, but I really didn't like to be around her."

(Well you should, you two faced bitch.)

"No one did," Pietro replied. "Will I see you when the movie begins?"

"Maybe a little later," Carlie said, her wisteria blue eyes sparkling.

"Okay." Pietro walked off, and Carlie went to find Kitty.

"Are you ready?" Carlie asked her.

"Yeah," Kitty said. "Let's do this!"

Kitty was wearing a pair of black, classic skinny jeans with metallic, silver, ankle-length Dr. Martens. She also wore a royal blue leather jacket with gold studs at the shoulders that cut off at the midriff over a tight red tank top made from a stretchy material. She had coiffed her hair into a french (You need a capital ‘F’ there) twist.

(I have to ask, just to make it clear, but is your version of Kitty the local Scarlett Letter? She’s dressing awfully provocative.)

"Great outfit," Carlie complimented her.

"You, too," Kitty said in return, looking at her admiringly.

Carlie didn't want to brag, but she knew her outfit was very cool. She was wearing the tight catsuit she had previously used for her Spider-Girl costume. Not only did the suit emphasize her curves and long legs, but the material seemed to be forever changing color. It shimmered from a deep, sensuous fuchsia to jet black whenever she moved, constantly slowly shifting between the two shades. To match, she wore a pair of dark purple combat boots that laced up to her knees. Her golden hair was loose, draped over her shoulders. She had taken off her glasses, which she only really used for reading, anyway.

(And she got a material that changes colour HOW, exactly? Did she steal it from Oscorp? Did she? No wonder the Green Goblin killed your friend, you were stealing from him.)

The two of them slipped into the boys' dorm; Kitty used her power to phase them both through the wall for the sake of simplicity. The hall was deserted, because most of the boy were watching the movie, and the rest of them had gone to a nearby rave.

(A rave? Isn’t that those things that people who don’t spend their time reviewing Fanfiction while hoping to join TGWTG go to and get really drunk and experiment with mind altering drugs? If it is, than why is Xavier teaching these people to be heroes? If they’re drinking underage and doing drugs than they’re not the people who should be an example of mutants.)

They quickly found Scott's room. Scott had been less than thrilled when the Professor announced to the school that Northstar would be Scott's roommate, but oddly, Northstar seemed like he couldn't have cared less.

(So, does Northstar have a name? Seriously, why isn’t anyone calling him Jean-Paul? Its his name damn it (unless I’ve misspelt it or mistook it for another guys name, in which case it isn’t his name. Damn it.))

On one side of the room was Scott's stuff, where he had neatly organized his possessions and framed posters of classic sports cars on the walls, the lower half of which were apple green and the upper half Yale blue, separated by an ivory border. Scott had personalized his bedspread with red silk sheets and a northwestern lodge-style bedspread.

(Oddly, that’s the most in character thing in this story, Scott being neat and tidy.)

Northstar's side of the room was undecorated, with only a lamp atop his mahogany chest-of-drawers, and his bedspread was a stock type that matched the wall colors. He had done nothing to personalize his area.

"Let's check the drawers," Carlie said to Kitty. "We might find a clue to his past there."

(Yeah, you’ll find either his wallet or whether he’s a boxers or briefs guy. That’s what you want.)

Kitty nodded. "That's a really good idea!"

Carlie yanked out a drawer, dumping the contents all over the thick, navy blue carpet. "You go through this drawer. I'll go through the desk."

Kitty complied. Carlie found nothing in the desk beyond a dissertation about the symbolism within The Scarlet Letter, which puzzled her.

(Funny, I just made reference to that.)

"You know, I think Northstar may be a Satanist," Kitty said worriedly. "He has nothing but black clothing."

(Or, you know, he could have a thing called a ‘favourite colour’, or maybe something called ‘style’? How many times do I have to explain this to you Black DOES NOT EQUAL Satanism? Hell, I used to go to college with a Satanist (great guy, a little too political, but he was a big Power Rangers and Deadpool fan so we got along) and he never once wore black. Red, blue, brown, and beige, but never black.)

"That is weird," Carlie agreed.

(No its not.)

"Oh my gosh, Carlie!" Kitty exclaimed suddenly. "Look at this!"

Carlie stood and walked over to Kitty, her every movement graceful and fluid (Shucking fut up!). "What is it?"

"This!" Kitty pointed. She had found several sheathed bowie knives. As the girls went thorough more of the black clothing, they found hunting knives, Swiss Army knives, switchblades, several pairs of steel handcuffs, Kelvar (Kevlar, VL, not LV.) vests, police flashlights, and tazers.

"This is a strange development," Carlie observed, brushing back a strand of golden hair from her gorgeous face.

Suddenly, the two friends heard footsteps approaching! Kitty grabbed Carlie and they phased into the wall, staying there so they could eavesdrop.

(Oh, not only are they breaking into his personal items, they’re eavesdropping him? No wonder Rogue hated you people.)

The person walked into the room, and didn't react to the mess, so it was probably Northstar, because he really never reacted to anything. His cellphone went off.

If you ever leave me baby,

Leave some morphine at my door

'Cause it would take a whole lot of medication

To realize what we used to have,

We don't have it anymore.

"What do you want?" The person asked. His tone was very bored, so it was Northstar.

He listened to the phone for a few minutes. "Yeah, I was just confirming it."

Carlie listened closely, and she could hear another person speaking on the other end of the line, but she couldn't distinguish any words. She looked at Kitty hopefully, but the other girl just shook her head.

"Did Boss call for action yet?" Northstar queried in his monotone.

Carlie frowned. Who did Northstar work for?

"Great," Northstar said into the phone. "I'll get right on that. The same plan
The Fic Critic continued chapter 5 . 12/29/2011
Kitty looked at her seriously. "Carlie, you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entirely life. You know who Mary-Jane Watson is, right?"

(Wait, excuse me? MJ?)

Carlie stuck out her tongue in disgust. "That one slutty model who is always posing on the cover of some magazine in some sort of streetwalker outfit, but all the boys think is really hot? What about her?"

(Fuk you say? No, no, what the fuckity flying fucker fucks are you saying? Did she honestly just call one of my all time favourite supporting characters of all time a slut who dresses like a streetwalker? Ok, I have at least tried to restrain myself, even when I shouldn’t have. I could take you bashing my favourite X-Woman, I could take you saying beautiful so much you sounded like you had turrets, and I could take you making Scott complain about how it ‘hurts so much’ to be betrayed, but this is the final straw. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET OFF SAYING THAT TO MARY JANE WATSON? How can you fathom such bullshit about someone? I admit, I may be overreacting since Mary Jane is one of my favourite characters, but in the comics, MJ has NEVER been a slut (A party girl, yes, but unlike another certain Spidey girl, she’s never been depicted as the village bike, or said that ‘he’s probably the only boy who hasn’t given me the tumble’) Secondly, she’s never ‘dressed like a streetwalker’, she’s dressed casually, at most wore revealing shirts and tight jeans, BUT NAME ONE PERSON WHO HASN’T! Thirdly, What the hell are you doing by having Carlie Cooper bitch about MJ, when in the comics MJ has never been anything but friendly towards Cooper? Its one of the most likable aspects about MJ is that, unlike in the films or in the hands of Black Cat fans, she’s NOT the jealous type. She was supportive of Gwen, supportive of Carlie, and while she didn’t get on with Felicia, that was because Felicia spent most of her time threatening her or insulting her, so its not exactly her to be blamed. Oh, I’m sorry, does the author not like characters that are genuinely likable and have human flaws? Well, I’m sorry that MJ and Rogue both have fucked up pasts, and both have insecurities and troubles, and both don’t overreact to late dates by getting a tattoo of a white supremacist super villain (oh wait, no she didn’t, she got Spider-Man instead. Great way to subtly hammer in how right she is for him Slott, well done!). So, yes, thank you for not just annoying me with how bad this is, but also pissing me off. I’ll be sure to think about that next time I’m telling people about your stories.)

"I think that you're much prettier than she ever could be," (No she isn’t.) Kitty told her. "And to think, you're not even a professional model."

(Ok, sure, except, lets look at the facts. Look up both Cooper and Watson on Wikipedia. Look at their images. Which one looks like an angel, and which one looks like an ugo lesbian. I can tell you this, the lesbian isn’t the one who just got insulted by the author. Then, look at Deviantart, search up both names and look at the results. ‘Mary Jane Watson’ brings up hundreds of pages worth or results Carlie Cooper brings up one page, which most of which are just because the artist comments mentioned the two words (my favourite being one that actually appears up because its saying ‘I’m glad they’re using MJ instead of Carlie Cooper for the next game’). Then, look at TV Tropes. Which girl is it who has tons of Wallbangers directed at her existence, and tons of WMGing about her being secretly evil or a failed character or whatever else? The fact is, Mary Jane is more likable, more attractive, and more balanced than Carlie Cooper, and if you, as either a troll or Joe Quesada’s daughter, honestly think you’re earning anyones respect by bashing her and using her as an example of someone they’re better than, then the can of worms you just opened for me is barely a footnote to how many utterly annoyed people you’re going to come across.)

"That means so much to me," said Carlie gratefully. "But I'm sure I'm not that pretty," (No, you’re not) she added modestly. "And now I'm going to talk to Northstar."

She walked up to Northstar, who looked very bored by the current conversation Jean and Scott were having with him. C arlie found the boy to be very strange. With his unchangingly expressionless face, icy demeanor, and winter pale complexion, he was closer in resemblance to a cold, white marble statue enchanted by some supernatural means rather than a human with blood coursing through his veins. But nevertheless, she was intrigued by him. An aura of mystery surrounded him, and she intended to discover why she recognized him. If only she could place the memory of his astonishingly handsome face.

(Shut. Up. With. The. Descriptions.)

"Hi," she said to Northstar.

He said nothing in reply and stared at her as if she were gum on the bottom of his expensive shoe.

She stared back in return and waited for some sort of response.

He continued to stare at her with something akin to dislike surfacing in his gaze.

Carlie was so surprised to see an actual emotion on his face that she forgot to actually say anything.

He stared at her.

Finally, Carlie broke the awkward silence between them. "I'm Carlie Cooper," she said. "I used to be Spider-Girl," she added. She extended her hand for him to shake. "I'm very pleased to meet you."

(That was, admittedly, a kinda well done scene. Ok, it pains me to admit it, but I can’t make fun of that scene. You win that round.)

He glanced down at her hand and then back at her. "The pleasure is all mine, let me assure you." But something in his tone sounded very insincere. He took out a lighter and lit a cigarette.

"Have we met before?" Carlie asked casually.

Northstar looked disgusted. "No," he said flatly. "I only date other criminals."

"What?" Kitty asked, aghast.

Pietro looked equally horrified.


"Are you legitimately a criminal?" Scott asked him seriously.

"Yes," Northstar responded in his monotone. "This is supposed to be some sort of rehabilitation for me."

"What do you mean?" Jean demanded.

Without replying, Northstar stalked off.

"He's very mysterious," Jean observed to Scott.

"Rather secretive, too," Scott agreed.

(Hello, he just admitted he’s a criminal, don’t you think you should be looking for answers here? Not just squeening on how mysterious he is?)

Carlie couldn't explain it, but somehow, she felt drawn to the aloof Northstar. But if he was a criminal, she didn't see how she could obtain answers from him.

"What do you think?" Kitty asked Carlie quietly.

"We need answers," Carlie stated.

Kitty nodded in affirmation.

"So, tonight," Carlie said grimly, "we break into his room."

(What? I said you needed answers, not a criminal record? Criminal or not, he has rights too you know, you can’t just break into his personal space. Bitch.)



Positive feedback about this story is great. As for the flames, well, haterz gonna hate. :P

(Well, we’re not haters, we just dislike crap. Apparently, the only hater here is you, since you seem to hate Goths, Satanists, models, actresses, films, people with problems, people with opinions, people who suffer bullying, people who... Wow, Its official, you’re a troll.)

Cutting off here, again. Wow, reviewing two chapters in one is harder than expected.
TheFicCritic of blogspot chapter 5 . 12/29/2011
Yes, I know. I said I was done with Web of Shadows, and trust me, I didn’t want to read these new ones. But, curiosity made me and these two ‘new’ chapters are just so bad I have to review them, so here we go, again. If you feel like taking a cyanide pill after reading this, don’t worry, you’re not the only one.

But, here we are, another instalment of everyone’s most hated Spidey Evo crossover. Don’t worry, after reading this I promise I’ll start looking for some Danny Phantom stories to review. I’d go with Paycheckgurl’s suggestion of reviewing a Kim Possible Kim/Shego story, but since I didn’t watch Kim Possible growing up and have no idea who ‘Shego’ is (Is that the name of the naked rat thing? If so then I’m glad I didn’t watch it if that’s who they pair her up with in fanfiction). So, here: I’m the Fic Critic, because I’ve had nothing else to do so I figured I’d review this crap again.

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, and other plot elements belong to Marvel. Any products or copyrighted material belong to their respective owners. I do not gain any profit from this page.

(I don’t care anymore.)


The entire group, except Rogue, ran through the grove of trees to the source of the explosion. They burst out of the shrubbery into the clearing to find a strikingly handsome teenage boy looking at them disdainfully. He lowered his hands, which had been extended, directed at a tall oak tree, which now had a gaping hole burned through its trunk, with smoke coiling up from the edges.

(Oh, so now instead its not the Brotherhood. So, are you suffering from any mental illnesses or are you just trying to think of an original idea?)

Watch out," he said tonelessly.

Mere seconds after he spoke, the meager wood holding up the tree began to groan dangerously, and the tree collapsed. The X-Men scrambled out of the the (double word) way, but the handsome stranger remained where he was. The large oak tree landed less than a foot from where he was standing, but he neither so much as flinched, nor did his expression flicker.

(I don’t know who this guy is, but that was admittedly awesome. So long as he’s not an unlikable ass he may become my new favourite character.)

A few beats of silence passed as the two parties stared at each other before Scott leaped forward. "Who are you?" He demanded.

"My name is Northstar," said the stranger.

(Really? Northstar? Cool, I actually like Northstar. He’s proof that a gay character doesn’t have to let being gay his defining characteristic. He’s like a dark haired Canadian Pietro)

"I'm Scott Summers, leader of the X-Men," Scott informed him.

Northstar was thoroughly unimpressed by this piece of news, judging by the expression on his face, which was, to be brief, beautiful. (Oh great, here we go. More unneeded descriptions) His precisely symmetrical features were set upon utterly flawless, ivory skin, with arched, upswept eyebrows and high, sculpted cheekbones, all complemented by his sleek black hair. Thick eyelashes gave his eyes a smoky appearance, which were already remarkable due to their unusual coloring: a very cold, pale, glacial blue that seemed to burn with an arctic intensity. He was taller than average, with a whipcord thin build that suggested extreme athleticism rather than frailty, which was accompanied by lean, defined muscles. And although the teen wore casual clothes, it was impossible to hide that his outfit was constructed from a variety of extremely expensive and high-end brands. He was dressed completely in black, which only emphasized his alabaster, completely unblemished complexion.

(Ooooooh...K. I didn’t get a single thing you were saying just then. It was so overly descriptive I didn’t understand what the hell you were trying to say. So, I have to ask, is everyone in this story super beautiful or something? I mean, its like those Hollywood films where the ugly chick is actually played by an underwear model but was given a messy wig to wear.)

"Are you a new student at the Xavier Institute?" Jean asked curiously.

(Yes Jean, that’s why he’s in the forest blowing up your trees. TO LEARN!)

"So I've been told," Northstar answered.

(Wait... He is? Then why is he in the forest blowing up trees? TO LEARN?)

Jean smiled. "That's wonderful! You'll love the Xavier Institute so much! It is so much fun all of the time!"

(Yay, another person to beat down on an unfortunate misfit. Yay.)

Northstar appeared supremely uninterested. "Fascinating," he replied in his monotone as he rose a single eyebrow.

"Oh my gosh," Kitty whispered to Carlie. "He's going to be a new student here!" She rolled up her skirt so more of her legs would show. "He's super cute!"

(What? Is, Is Kitty really doing a Curly’s wife move and showing off her legs? Seriously, is this your idea of fanservice? Admittedly, the animation style of Evolution does mean that they did all have great legs, but Kitty Pryde is the homely girl with a flat chest and a button nose. She’s like the little sister of the group. You’re not allowed to sexualize her, like, at all. So, by making her do things that you’d expect a flirty vamp to do is wrong!)

"He is very good-looking," Carlie agreed. "But I have the strangest feeling that I've met him somewhere before."

(Oh, great, another one who she’s going to date. Just what we need, to make this another one of those god aweful Reverse Harem series’.)

"That's a great reason to go and talk to him!" Kitty exclaimed, removing her cardigan to expose her bare shoulders. "You should ask him out, Carlie! I bet you could have a great time with him out on a date!"

(Wait, why are you trying to get his attention by, stripping, if you want to give him away to Carlie? Kitty, aren’t you like, a teen genius or something? I know it wasn’t brought up much, but you’re at least shown a few times working well with computers and the one time it showed your friends from outside the mansion it was Webber Torque, a guy who looked like Doug Ramsey, and a bunch of nerdy looking nerds, so I assume in Evo you’re at least above average. So, how does someone who’s smart somehow lack such a grasp on logic?)

"I bet anyone could," said Lance appreciatively as he gazed at Northstar.

(Wait, did I read that right? I KNEW IT! Your version of Lance is gay! I knew it!)

"I'll watch him for a few minutes," Carlie decided.

"So, what's your mutation?" Pietro asked Northstar.

"Like it's any of your business," Northstar returned coldly. His icy eyes seemed to burn when he spoke.

Not deterred, Pietro continued his line of friendly questioning. "Where are you from?"

(If he doesn’t want to tell you what he can do I doubt he’d tell you where he’s from.)

He received no reply. Northstar stared at Pietro blankly.

"I think I'm going to make my move," Carlie whispered to Kitty. "I'm kind of nervous."

"Go for it, girlfriend!" Kitty told her excitedly. "He'll be so astounded by your beauty that he'll have to say yes to a date!"

(Seriously? Kitty, you’ve known this girl for, literally less than half a day, and most of that time you spent asleep in your room. Why are you calling her girlfriend and putting her together with newbies you like)

"Thanks," Carlie whispered shyly, blushing. "But I honestly don't think I'm that pretty."

Kitty looked at her seriously. "Carlie, you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entirely life. You know who Mary-Jane Watson is, right?"

(Wait, excuse me? MJ?)

Need to cut off here.
I congratulate the author chapter 1 . 12/26/2011
...for making a very excellent troll fic. Either you are completely ignorant that your character is a Sue of the highest caliber, in which case you need to be dragged out back somewhere and be shown a few good books, or you know it all and are pulling the wool over our collective eyes. Either way, props.
Night Fiction chapter 5 . 12/5/2011
So what Pietro said last chapter was a big-lipped aligator moment...

And now Charlie is with Peter... MAKE SENSE DAMN YOU! D:
Night Fiction chapter 4 . 11/27/2011
Crap, that is all.

This is by far the worse chapter in this god awful story.
A Person With an Opinion chapter 4 . 11/23/2011
Alright, I have been keeping track of this story for weeks. Why? Because there is so much wrong with it that it's laughable. I legitimately laugh at your chapters. I'm sad that the Fic Critic stopped giving critiques, they added to the comedic effect. I see why though. So now, I'm going to stop reading this story. Bye Bye.
TheFicCritic of blogspot chapter 4 . 11/16/2011
Hey, Its me, the Fic Critic, because someone had to say it.

I’m back. the've uploaded a new- Wait, no she didn’t. She took down the last chapter and uploaded another, which continues the same way as previous chapters. God, I really hate her right now. She had a really good chapter last time, but now she’s returned to crap. Oh well, lets look at this.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel.


Personal Disclaimer: The opinions expressed and actions committed in this story correlate in no way to the views of Artemis's Liege.


The X-Men ran toward the direction of the explosion. They came to a group of trees. They found the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants waiting for them there.

"What are you doing here?" Pietro exclaimed angrily, glaring at the evil mutants.

(Why? You’re one of them. Oh, wait, that’s right, Liege thought she didn’t need to watch Evolution to write about it, so here you’re not. Silly me, to think I thought that Fanfiction required you to actually be a fan of what you’re writing, which Liege evidentially is not.)

There were several mutants in the rival group. A tall man who looked like a cross between a human and an animal. A woman whose skin seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. Two freakily beautiful and alike teenagers, a boy and a girl. A man with long white blonde hair. A tall man with red hair in goth clothing with a scarf covering the lower half of his face. A person whose entire body was covered by a black costume with a white spider on it. Some creature that resembled a demon white black tattoos over red skin. The leader was a man wearing armor and a long, red cape.

(Er, what happened to Blob and Toad? I like Blob and Toad.)

"X-Men," he said in a deep voice, "I have come to make an offer."

"What kind of offer?" Scott asked suspiciously.

"A combination of our forces," the leader said.

Kitty poked Carlie. "That's Magneto. He's our enemy."

"Is he a mutant?" Carlie asked quietly.

(No, of course not, he just leads a group called the Brotherhood of evil MUTANTS, but he himself isn’t a mutant. Stupid girl, what would make you think that?)

"Yeah." Kitty said.

Carlie's spider-sense began alerting her to danger. Confused, she turned and scanned the area. The two freaky twins were staring at her. They had no expressions, but there eyes were weirdly bright and noticeable. She glared at them, but they kept on looking at her.

(Let me guess, Ghost?)

"What's his mutation?" Carlie asked Kitty.

(Well, his name is Magneto, which has ‘Magnet’ in it, so I assume it has something to do with making trees grow faster.)

"He can control metal." Was Kitty's answer.

(Oh, really? I was way off.)

"I want the X-Men and the Brotherhood to be allies," Magneto anounnced (Double ‘N’ in the wrong place. Its announced, with the first ‘n’ being doubled and the second being single).

"Why?" Asked Jean.

"The whole world will want our blood once they find out about mutants," Magneto said, "It will be too dangerous for either of us to continue alone. Both of our forces could be stronger if we were allies."

Scott still knew that something was wrong. "This is just out of the blue. Why brought this sudden change of heart for you."

(Who says that? ‘What brought this sudden change of heart?’ People don’t say something so formal, they’d say ‘what’s the deal? What made you change your mind?’ or something along those lines)

"I have found new atrocities against mutants," Magneato (no, its Magneto, not MagNEATo. Net, not Neat) said. "I have found a research building that was experimenting on mutants. Even though Charles wants peace, even he would be disgusted by this and want to take action."

Pietro was very untrusting. "Oh, really? Are you sure you aren't here to attack us?"

"I don't want to hurt any mutants," Magneato (What the hell? You were spelling it right a few lines ago, why suddenly start spelling it with ‘ea’?) said. "Only to unite the higher evolutionaries in order to prepare for the future battle between the humans and us."

"No." said Jean. "There's something else. I can read your mind. You aren't giving up some information."

(No you can’t. Magneto, as well as controlling metal, is also a very powerful telepath, and can block out any psychic attack. In the films they credit it to his helmet, but he’s shown in Evolution as using telepathic abilities from time to time, so no, Jean, you can’t read his mind.)

Magneato (MAGNETO!) looked disturbed. "No. That is all. I just want to suggest an alliance."

"No. Tell me." Jean commanded.

"Foolish girl." Magneato (MAGNETO!) shook his head, very troubled. "You are deluded to believe that when humans discover us they won't persecute you." (What made you say that? She just wanted to know what you were up to, why did you suddenly start blabbing on about power) He looked at her sadly. "You and your friends are to powerful. The humans will imprison you. You're too dangerous, the humans will not want you to expose the world's lies." He looked at Kitty. "You could be an assassin, and they won't allow that to pass." At Scott. "And you're power is uncontrollable. They will use you for their own battles." He turned to Carlie. "And with you abilities, they could brainwash you into being a government agent."

(And? So long as its not a corrupt government, she’ll be fine. The Bush administration is over in your universe right?)

"How do you know about Carlie's powers?" Lance asked force-fully.

"Because I told him." Said an dangerous voice.

From the shadows, Rouge emerged. She was wearing a tight, black leather body suit with an envelope neckline and a Dracula collar. Over this she had on a dark blue leather corset that laced up the front, with bits of black armor on her arms and legs and knees. She also wore knee-high black boots for combat. The white streaks in her hair wear braided to make a loose circle around her scalp and the rest of her black hair were loose. Her indigo eyes now gleamed strangley.

(More unneeded descriptions of clothing? And inaccurate, Rogue’s hair is white bangs over a browny redish colour, not black.)

"What?" Kitty was confused.

"I work for Magneato." Rouge said calmly.

(Oh, the goth student everyone hates because they believe in a different faith MUST be evil, right? At least now we know why Jean kept bullying her, because she was a double agent and she knew it, right?)

"No!" Exclaimed Scott.

"How could you do this?" Lance questioned.

"You've betrayed us," Jean said. "I should have seen this coming.

(Wait, you didn’t? So all this time when you were picking on her, it was just out of spite, not because you knew she was a traitor? So, you really are a bitch. Wait, you could read the mind of a guy immune to telepathy, but not the girl without such a thing who you already hated? Wow, that’s either a really bad plot hole, or Jean is just REALLY bad at this.)

Carlie just watched in shock. How could this be happening?

(Easily, because the author is apparently very bad at plotting.)

"All of you are so naïve," Rouge said. "Of course."

"You're are a traitor," Pietro said harshly.


"No." Rouge said. "I haven't betrayed anyone. I have been a spy all along. I never believed in anything that Xavier Institute stood for. I've been trained to become a spy since I was a child."

"I never fully trusted you." Said Jean.

Rouge smiled evilly." Say whatever you have to to (double word) make yourself sleep better at night."

"Rouge," Scott said brokenly. "you mean between us . . . that was a lie? Did you never love me?"

"Not at all," Rouge said. "Everything was a lie. But I don't hate you. You were nothing to me. I couldn't feel a thing for you if my life depended on it."

"Rouge . . ." Scott said sadly.

Carlie watched wide-eyed.

"What!" Jean burst out. "You two were together?"

"I loved her . . ." Scott whispered. "But I knew that no one else would accept us, so I hid our relationship. But she meant the world to me."

(If you loved her so much, where were you when she was getting beat up?)

"Too bad loser," Rogue said, walking sluttily past them to stand by Magneato's side.

(Walked sluttily? How can you do that? Does that mean Kitty walks verginly?)

"Tell Charles about my offer," Magneato said. Then the Brotherhood vanished all of the sudden.

(Well, when he finds out the poor misfit everyone picks on was really a spy for you I doubt he’ll agree.)

Carlie walked over to Scott. "Scott, I am so sorry that she broke your heart."

Scott felt so upset. "How could she do this to me, Carlie? It just hurts so much."

(Seriously? This is how you’re going to write Scott? The guy who’s so good at repressing his emotions, in the comics he actually defeated a psychic evil ghost by allowing it to take over his mind and then repressing it?)

"I know Scott," Carlie said. "I hurt so much when Gwen died. We had been friends since childhood. I even helped her dad and mine solve crimes. Gwen never really liked that, because she was scared of criminals. But then she died . . ." Carlie began to sob.

(What does that have to do with Scott’s problem? You just hijacked his problem so you could whine? What. A. Bitch.)

"Carlie, it's all right," Scott said. "I'm sure that when Gwen was alive, you brought nothing but joy to her life."

Carlie smiled greatfully. "Thank you Scott that means so much too me.

Pietro interrupted. "I have more bad news, I hate to say."

"What's wrong?" Lance looked at him.

Pietro's face was deadly white. "I just discovered that Magneato is my father."

(How? How did you work that out?)

Ok, my opinion.

0/10. Seriously, you got a zero, that means there’s nothing good here. You’re getting EVERYONE wrong. You’re plot makes NO SENSE. It’s like you’re not even trying.

I give up, no more of this. I'm leaving you now. For good. No more help from me.

I am the Fic Critic, because someone had to say it.
Guest chapter 1 . 11/15/2011
This is a Joke, right?
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