|Reviews for Web of Shadows|
| TheFicCritic of blogspot chapter 5 . 12/29/2011
Yes, I know. I said I was done with Web of Shadows, and trust me, I didn’t want to read these new ones. But, curiosity made me and these two ‘new’ chapters are just so bad I have to review them, so here we go, again. If you feel like taking a cyanide pill after reading this, don’t worry, you’re not the only one.
But, here we are, another instalment of everyone’s most hated Spidey Evo crossover. Don’t worry, after reading this I promise I’ll start looking for some Danny Phantom stories to review. I’d go with Paycheckgurl’s suggestion of reviewing a Kim Possible Kim/Shego story, but since I didn’t watch Kim Possible growing up and have no idea who ‘Shego’ is (Is that the name of the naked rat thing? If so then I’m glad I didn’t watch it if that’s who they pair her up with in fanfiction). So, here: I’m the Fic Critic, because I’ve had nothing else to do so I figured I’d review this crap again.
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, and other plot elements belong to Marvel. Any products or copyrighted material belong to their respective owners. I do not gain any profit from this page.
(I don’t care anymore.)
The entire group, except Rogue, ran through the grove of trees to the source of the explosion. They burst out of the shrubbery into the clearing to find a strikingly handsome teenage boy looking at them disdainfully. He lowered his hands, which had been extended, directed at a tall oak tree, which now had a gaping hole burned through its trunk, with smoke coiling up from the edges.
(Oh, so now instead its not the Brotherhood. So, are you suffering from any mental illnesses or are you just trying to think of an original idea?)
Watch out," he said tonelessly.
Mere seconds after he spoke, the meager wood holding up the tree began to groan dangerously, and the tree collapsed. The X-Men scrambled out of the the (double word) way, but the handsome stranger remained where he was. The large oak tree landed less than a foot from where he was standing, but he neither so much as flinched, nor did his expression flicker.
(I don’t know who this guy is, but that was admittedly awesome. So long as he’s not an unlikable ass he may become my new favourite character.)
A few beats of silence passed as the two parties stared at each other before Scott leaped forward. "Who are you?" He demanded.
"My name is Northstar," said the stranger.
(Really? Northstar? Cool, I actually like Northstar. He’s proof that a gay character doesn’t have to let being gay his defining characteristic. He’s like a dark haired Canadian Pietro)
"I'm Scott Summers, leader of the X-Men," Scott informed him.
Northstar was thoroughly unimpressed by this piece of news, judging by the expression on his face, which was, to be brief, beautiful. (Oh great, here we go. More unneeded descriptions) His precisely symmetrical features were set upon utterly flawless, ivory skin, with arched, upswept eyebrows and high, sculpted cheekbones, all complemented by his sleek black hair. Thick eyelashes gave his eyes a smoky appearance, which were already remarkable due to their unusual coloring: a very cold, pale, glacial blue that seemed to burn with an arctic intensity. He was taller than average, with a whipcord thin build that suggested extreme athleticism rather than frailty, which was accompanied by lean, defined muscles. And although the teen wore casual clothes, it was impossible to hide that his outfit was constructed from a variety of extremely expensive and high-end brands. He was dressed completely in black, which only emphasized his alabaster, completely unblemished complexion.
(Ooooooh...K. I didn’t get a single thing you were saying just then. It was so overly descriptive I didn’t understand what the hell you were trying to say. So, I have to ask, is everyone in this story super beautiful or something? I mean, its like those Hollywood films where the ugly chick is actually played by an underwear model but was given a messy wig to wear.)
"Are you a new student at the Xavier Institute?" Jean asked curiously.
(Yes Jean, that’s why he’s in the forest blowing up your trees. TO LEARN!)
"So I've been told," Northstar answered.
(Wait... He is? Then why is he in the forest blowing up trees? TO LEARN?)
Jean smiled. "That's wonderful! You'll love the Xavier Institute so much! It is so much fun all of the time!"
(Yay, another person to beat down on an unfortunate misfit. Yay.)
Northstar appeared supremely uninterested. "Fascinating," he replied in his monotone as he rose a single eyebrow.
"Oh my gosh," Kitty whispered to Carlie. "He's going to be a new student here!" She rolled up her skirt so more of her legs would show. "He's super cute!"
(What? Is, Is Kitty really doing a Curly’s wife move and showing off her legs? Seriously, is this your idea of fanservice? Admittedly, the animation style of Evolution does mean that they did all have great legs, but Kitty Pryde is the homely girl with a flat chest and a button nose. She’s like the little sister of the group. You’re not allowed to sexualize her, like, at all. So, by making her do things that you’d expect a flirty vamp to do is wrong!)
"He is very good-looking," Carlie agreed. "But I have the strangest feeling that I've met him somewhere before."
(Oh, great, another one who she’s going to date. Just what we need, to make this another one of those god aweful Reverse Harem series’.)
"That's a great reason to go and talk to him!" Kitty exclaimed, removing her cardigan to expose her bare shoulders. "You should ask him out, Carlie! I bet you could have a great time with him out on a date!"
(Wait, why are you trying to get his attention by, stripping, if you want to give him away to Carlie? Kitty, aren’t you like, a teen genius or something? I know it wasn’t brought up much, but you’re at least shown a few times working well with computers and the one time it showed your friends from outside the mansion it was Webber Torque, a guy who looked like Doug Ramsey, and a bunch of nerdy looking nerds, so I assume in Evo you’re at least above average. So, how does someone who’s smart somehow lack such a grasp on logic?)
"I bet anyone could," said Lance appreciatively as he gazed at Northstar.
(Wait, did I read that right? I KNEW IT! Your version of Lance is gay! I knew it!)
"I'll watch him for a few minutes," Carlie decided.
"So, what's your mutation?" Pietro asked Northstar.
"Like it's any of your business," Northstar returned coldly. His icy eyes seemed to burn when he spoke.
Not deterred, Pietro continued his line of friendly questioning. "Where are you from?"
(If he doesn’t want to tell you what he can do I doubt he’d tell you where he’s from.)
He received no reply. Northstar stared at Pietro blankly.
"I think I'm going to make my move," Carlie whispered to Kitty. "I'm kind of nervous."
"Go for it, girlfriend!" Kitty told her excitedly. "He'll be so astounded by your beauty that he'll have to say yes to a date!"
(Seriously? Kitty, you’ve known this girl for, literally less than half a day, and most of that time you spent asleep in your room. Why are you calling her girlfriend and putting her together with newbies you like)
"Thanks," Carlie whispered shyly, blushing. "But I honestly don't think I'm that pretty."
Kitty looked at her seriously. "Carlie, you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entirely life. You know who Mary-Jane Watson is, right?"
(Wait, excuse me? MJ?)
Need to cut off here.
| I congratulate the author chapter 1 . 12/26/2011
...for making a very excellent troll fic. Either you are completely ignorant that your character is a Sue of the highest caliber, in which case you need to be dragged out back somewhere and be shown a few good books, or you know it all and are pulling the wool over our collective eyes. Either way, props.
| Night Fiction chapter 5 . 12/5/2011
So what Pietro said last chapter was a big-lipped aligator moment...
And now Charlie is with Peter... MAKE SENSE DAMN YOU! D:
| Night Fiction chapter 4 . 11/27/2011
Crap, that is all.
This is by far the worse chapter in this god awful story.
| A Person With an Opinion chapter 4 . 11/23/2011
Alright, I have been keeping track of this story for weeks. Why? Because there is so much wrong with it that it's laughable. I legitimately laugh at your chapters. I'm sad that the Fic Critic stopped giving critiques, they added to the comedic effect. I see why though. So now, I'm going to stop reading this story. Bye Bye.
| TheFicCritic of blogspot chapter 4 . 11/16/2011
Hey, Its me, the Fic Critic, because someone had to say it.
I’m back. the've uploaded a new- Wait, no she didn’t. She took down the last chapter and uploaded another, which continues the same way as previous chapters. God, I really hate her right now. She had a really good chapter last time, but now she’s returned to crap. Oh well, lets look at this.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Marvel.
(NO! YOU DON’T NEED ANOTHER DISCLAIMER EVERY CHAPTER!)
Personal Disclaimer: The opinions expressed and actions committed in this story correlate in no way to the views of Artemis's Liege.
The X-Men ran toward the direction of the explosion. They came to a group of trees. They found the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants waiting for them there.
"What are you doing here?" Pietro exclaimed angrily, glaring at the evil mutants.
(Why? You’re one of them. Oh, wait, that’s right, Liege thought she didn’t need to watch Evolution to write about it, so here you’re not. Silly me, to think I thought that Fanfiction required you to actually be a fan of what you’re writing, which Liege evidentially is not.)
There were several mutants in the rival group. A tall man who looked like a cross between a human and an animal. A woman whose skin seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. Two freakily beautiful and alike teenagers, a boy and a girl. A man with long white blonde hair. A tall man with red hair in goth clothing with a scarf covering the lower half of his face. A person whose entire body was covered by a black costume with a white spider on it. Some creature that resembled a demon white black tattoos over red skin. The leader was a man wearing armor and a long, red cape.
(Er, what happened to Blob and Toad? I like Blob and Toad.)
"X-Men," he said in a deep voice, "I have come to make an offer."
"What kind of offer?" Scott asked suspiciously.
"A combination of our forces," the leader said.
Kitty poked Carlie. "That's Magneto. He's our enemy."
"Is he a mutant?" Carlie asked quietly.
(No, of course not, he just leads a group called the Brotherhood of evil MUTANTS, but he himself isn’t a mutant. Stupid girl, what would make you think that?)
"Yeah." Kitty said.
Carlie's spider-sense began alerting her to danger. Confused, she turned and scanned the area. The two freaky twins were staring at her. They had no expressions, but there eyes were weirdly bright and noticeable. She glared at them, but they kept on looking at her.
(Let me guess, Ghost?)
"What's his mutation?" Carlie asked Kitty.
(Well, his name is Magneto, which has ‘Magnet’ in it, so I assume it has something to do with making trees grow faster.)
"He can control metal." Was Kitty's answer.
(Oh, really? I was way off.)
"I want the X-Men and the Brotherhood to be allies," Magneto anounnced (Double ‘N’ in the wrong place. Its announced, with the first ‘n’ being doubled and the second being single).
"Why?" Asked Jean.
"The whole world will want our blood once they find out about mutants," Magneto said, "It will be too dangerous for either of us to continue alone. Both of our forces could be stronger if we were allies."
Scott still knew that something was wrong. "This is just out of the blue. Why brought this sudden change of heart for you."
(Who says that? ‘What brought this sudden change of heart?’ People don’t say something so formal, they’d say ‘what’s the deal? What made you change your mind?’ or something along those lines)
"I have found new atrocities against mutants," Magneato (no, its Magneto, not MagNEATo. Net, not Neat) said. "I have found a research building that was experimenting on mutants. Even though Charles wants peace, even he would be disgusted by this and want to take action."
Pietro was very untrusting. "Oh, really? Are you sure you aren't here to attack us?"
"I don't want to hurt any mutants," Magneato (What the hell? You were spelling it right a few lines ago, why suddenly start spelling it with ‘ea’?) said. "Only to unite the higher evolutionaries in order to prepare for the future battle between the humans and us."
"No." said Jean. "There's something else. I can read your mind. You aren't giving up some information."
(No you can’t. Magneto, as well as controlling metal, is also a very powerful telepath, and can block out any psychic attack. In the films they credit it to his helmet, but he’s shown in Evolution as using telepathic abilities from time to time, so no, Jean, you can’t read his mind.)
Magneato (MAGNETO!) looked disturbed. "No. That is all. I just want to suggest an alliance."
"No. Tell me." Jean commanded.
"Foolish girl." Magneato (MAGNETO!) shook his head, very troubled. "You are deluded to believe that when humans discover us they won't persecute you." (What made you say that? She just wanted to know what you were up to, why did you suddenly start blabbing on about power) He looked at her sadly. "You and your friends are to powerful. The humans will imprison you. You're too dangerous, the humans will not want you to expose the world's lies." He looked at Kitty. "You could be an assassin, and they won't allow that to pass." At Scott. "And you're power is uncontrollable. They will use you for their own battles." He turned to Carlie. "And with you abilities, they could brainwash you into being a government agent."
(And? So long as its not a corrupt government, she’ll be fine. The Bush administration is over in your universe right?)
"How do you know about Carlie's powers?" Lance asked force-fully.
"Because I told him." Said an dangerous voice.
From the shadows, Rouge emerged. She was wearing a tight, black leather body suit with an envelope neckline and a Dracula collar. Over this she had on a dark blue leather corset that laced up the front, with bits of black armor on her arms and legs and knees. She also wore knee-high black boots for combat. The white streaks in her hair wear braided to make a loose circle around her scalp and the rest of her black hair were loose. Her indigo eyes now gleamed strangley.
(More unneeded descriptions of clothing? And inaccurate, Rogue’s hair is white bangs over a browny redish colour, not black.)
"What?" Kitty was confused.
"I work for Magneato." Rouge said calmly.
(Oh, the goth student everyone hates because they believe in a different faith MUST be evil, right? At least now we know why Jean kept bullying her, because she was a double agent and she knew it, right?)
"No!" Exclaimed Scott.
"How could you do this?" Lance questioned.
"You've betrayed us," Jean said. "I should have seen this coming.
(Wait, you didn’t? So all this time when you were picking on her, it was just out of spite, not because you knew she was a traitor? So, you really are a bitch. Wait, you could read the mind of a guy immune to telepathy, but not the girl without such a thing who you already hated? Wow, that’s either a really bad plot hole, or Jean is just REALLY bad at this.)
Carlie just watched in shock. How could this be happening?
(Easily, because the author is apparently very bad at plotting.)
"All of you are so naïve," Rouge said. "Of course."
"You're are a traitor," Pietro said harshly.
(So says the boy who did THE EXACT SAME THING TO HIS FRIENDS, TWICE, IN THE SHOW.)
"No." Rouge said. "I haven't betrayed anyone. I have been a spy all along. I never believed in anything that Xavier Institute stood for. I've been trained to become a spy since I was a child."
"I never fully trusted you." Said Jean.
Rouge smiled evilly." Say whatever you have to to (double word) make yourself sleep better at night."
"Rouge," Scott said brokenly. "you mean between us . . . that was a lie? Did you never love me?"
"Not at all," Rouge said. "Everything was a lie. But I don't hate you. You were nothing to me. I couldn't feel a thing for you if my life depended on it."
"Rouge . . ." Scott said sadly.
Carlie watched wide-eyed.
"What!" Jean burst out. "You two were together?"
"I loved her . . ." Scott whispered. "But I knew that no one else would accept us, so I hid our relationship. But she meant the world to me."
(If you loved her so much, where were you when she was getting beat up?)
"Too bad loser," Rogue said, walking sluttily past them to stand by Magneato's side.
(Walked sluttily? How can you do that? Does that mean Kitty walks verginly?)
"Tell Charles about my offer," Magneato said. Then the Brotherhood vanished all of the sudden.
(Well, when he finds out the poor misfit everyone picks on was really a spy for you I doubt he’ll agree.)
Carlie walked over to Scott. "Scott, I am so sorry that she broke your heart."
Scott felt so upset. "How could she do this to me, Carlie? It just hurts so much."
(Seriously? This is how you’re going to write Scott? The guy who’s so good at repressing his emotions, in the comics he actually defeated a psychic evil ghost by allowing it to take over his mind and then repressing it?)
"I know Scott," Carlie said. "I hurt so much when Gwen died. We had been friends since childhood. I even helped her dad and mine solve crimes. Gwen never really liked that, because she was scared of criminals. But then she died . . ." Carlie began to sob.
(What does that have to do with Scott’s problem? You just hijacked his problem so you could whine? What. A. Bitch.)
"Carlie, it's all right," Scott said. "I'm sure that when Gwen was alive, you brought nothing but joy to her life."
Carlie smiled greatfully. "Thank you Scott that means so much too me.
Pietro interrupted. "I have more bad news, I hate to say."
"What's wrong?" Lance looked at him.
Pietro's face was deadly white. "I just discovered that Magneato is my father."
(How? How did you work that out?)
Ok, my opinion.
0/10. Seriously, you got a zero, that means there’s nothing good here. You’re getting EVERYONE wrong. You’re plot makes NO SENSE. It’s like you’re not even trying.
I give up, no more of this. I'm leaving you now. For good. No more help from me.
I am the Fic Critic, because someone had to say it.
| Guest chapter 1 . 11/15/2011
This is a Joke, right?
| what is wrong with you chapter 4 . 11/14/2011
Seriously? I'd list all the problems I could but there's so many, and others have said them already. You just plain suck.
| Theoneandonly chapter 4 . 11/14/2011
Huh, just like that, your story has made me lose all faith in God. Thank you for converting me to Satanism, it seems like a much cooler religion now.
| queenith2 chapter 4 . 11/14/2011
*Throws fists in the air* Yes! I love it when she's a traitor! X-men suck! Keep it up! (Whats with the purple eyes?)
| The Fic Critic chapter 4 . 10/27/2011
Continue it here.
"'Study?''' Walter repeated skeptically.
"Of course," Heather riposted. "Currently, she is sedated, just enough to keep her in the R.E.M. cycle (And as another reviewer pointed out, that wouldn’t work). Sometimes she stirs for a moment or two." Heather glanced at one of the monitors for several seconds. "Watch her, now."
As Walter frowned by followed her instructions, beneath the thick sheet fiberglass, Cooper opened her eyes for only about five seconds. But as he watched, her brilliant blue eyes faded to brown, her blonde hair darkened to chestnut, and her skin seemed to suddenly tan.
"What in God's name?" Walter breathed.
"She's a shapeshifter in addition to her mental influence," Heather said with pride. "A strange combination of mutant abilities no doubt, which is why I was particularly interested in her."
(And that explains why she looks different every issue. Well, in the comics. Here it doesn’t make sense since this is the Evolution universe. Weird, this one chapter has nothing to do with the previous story or the show.)
"Exactly what kind of research is taking place with this subject?" Walter questioned.
"I commissioned one of the telepaths to aid me for a few days," Heather said placidly. "The telepath depicted what Cooper dreams about while sedated. It would appear that her dreams are of a world where she's welcome, where she has a definitive place. When she phases out of unconsciousness, however briefly, an random interruption occurs in her dream world, such as a freak lightning storm or an explosion."
"When are you going to allow her to leave?" Walter queried suspiciously.
"I've examining the profiles of the mind control experts on retainer," Heather said, unconcerned. "But I'm not satisfied with any of the specialists. Before I can even consider concluding my research upon Cooper, I need to know how she exerts her influence. Is it psionic? Does she empathically force feelings onto the subject? Can she emit pheromones and thus manipulate people? Her abilities are so subtle it's difficult to pinpoint the origin."
Walter gazed at her steadily, but Heather merely waved a hand carelessly and proceeded down the stairs. Walter followed her.
"Honestly, Walter, it's not as if I'm hurting her."
"No," Walter agreed. "You're just keeping her here against her own will." (But, she was arrested, and as such its completely legal for the government to hold them.) He was distracted when his gaze fell upon the eerie twins once more. He barely managed to suppress a shiver from running up his spine. Their features were so flawless that something just seemed . . . off about them. "Heather . . . what about those two?"
"These?" Heather glanced the two, who were still staring blankly and didn't acknowledge her presence. "Ghost."
The both of them responded to the single name, turning to face Heather.
"Meet Dr. Walter Langkowski." She gestured in Walter's direction.
They turned to him, but their eyes remained unfocused.
"They're the best assistants I've ever had," Heather said with satisfaction. She turned to speak to Ghost. "At ease."
The two resumed their position at the base of the staircase.
"Are these mutants as well?" Walter sent her a look of disgust.
Heather wasn't offended in the least. "I'm not exactly sure what they are. They don't appear to be mutants, but I haven't bought into the alien theory just yet, though the rest of the staff evidently has. All I know is that they're certainly not human." Her words were deliberately vague, but her tone was composed as always. "I might advertise them as mutants, though."
"Heather, these are children. They probably wouldn't even be able to register for their driver's permits!" He emphatically pointed to the stairs. "And that's person you have drugged into docility! These people have rights, they aren't your playthings!"
Heather scoffed. She walked towards the wall, shrugged off her lab coat, and hung it on a wooden peg, revealing an immaculately cut pearl gray pantsuit beneath. "Walter, don't be naive. The world does not yet know about mutants, but it's only a matter of time. When that happens, people will fear mutants, then grow to hate them. Parents won't want their children attending school with mutants in the classroom, mutants won't be allowed in bars or restaurants, employers won't hire mutants. But if mutants are shown in a positive light, as hardworking citizens who protect the rest of society, then mutants might be accepted."
"So you've brainwashed mutants to follow you?" Walter ask in disbelief.
Heather sent him an arch look. "For scientific advancement, there must be sacrifice. You should understand that better than anyone."
He directed a scathing look at her for the retort, but she ignored him.
"Carlie Cooper could work to counsel people, to help them through their psychological issues. Ghost -" she again referred to the two teenagers as one entity, "- can run as fast as the speed of sound. They could rescue people from burning buildings or work with the police to capture criminals."
"So you aim to use mutants as servants of the rest of society?" Walter gazed at her disdainfully. "That's twisted, Heather. They're people, they shouldn't have to prove themselves to anyone."
"But nevertheless, they will," said Heather with annoying certainty. "But before mutants can save us, Walter, we must save them. We must show society that they can be trusted. And if a few mutants must be sacrificed for that cause," she looked from Ghost to the stairs, "so be it." She smiled. "Let's not keep Director Colcord waiting, shall we?" She walked to the door, high heels clacking as she moved.
With a grimace of distaste, Walter followed her, but not before sending one last dark glance at the device sitting at the apex of the stairs, and then at Ghost, whose empty gazes remained centered on nothing in particular.
So it was hard to describe in text, but I picture the two teenagers falling firmly into the Uncanny Valley category. As in creepy but difficult to pinpoint why they're so creepy, other than appearing too flawless to actually be human.
Ok, my opinion.
This chapter alone: 6/10
It’s actually pretty good... as a one shot. As a chapter of an otherwise crap story, then its just as crap. If you dropped a diamond into some crap that was then flash frozen and fossilized, it wouldn’t matter if its the most valuable diamond inside some crap in the world, its still a diamond inside some crap.
Now, full review of this chapter.
By itself, placed inside the Spider-Man section, it would be on a lot of people’s favourite list. Had it been a cannon comic, I would’ve bought seven. Had it just been a comment made by a few comic writers, I would’ve tattooed it.
It was, to word it, the greatest fan theory going. Its scary, but this makes complete and total sense.
However, when the rest is attached, it degrades into crap, because when attached, it makes no sense at all.
Was the previous chapters just nonsense she was dreaming about? If so, that makes sense. But then why was the author so defensive and such? What is this even doing in the X-Men Evolution if its all in Cooper’s head? And what about the poll they used to have on their profile about ‘who should Carlie end up with’ or something of the like?
Either way, I’m not too sure which way this story will go. Will it end here? Will it continue to make no sense at all as each chapter becomes weirder and weirder? Will Carlie and her best pineapples continue to pick on Rogue?
One thing’s good though. No more digs at Emotionally fragile actresses or racial degradation of a non-mainstream faith.
Also, one thing to note which recently came to my attention. This story has been added to TV tropes So Bad Its Horrible list of fanfictions, with my blog linked as an MST. Funny, ain’t it? With this latest chapter, if you’re lucky it may be removed, if the plot continues this road to everything previously being her dreams. In which case, this should be moved to the comics section. If this was just a weird BLAM chapter, then it should stay there. If its the former, I recommend editing your previous chapters to make it clear that its just Carlie’s imagination. If its the latter, I recommend you stop, take down the story, and re-upload this single chapter as its own Spider-Man story.
I’m the Fic Critic, because somebody had to say it.
| The Fic Critic chapter 4 . 10/27/2011
Hi, remember me? Well, I hope you’ve gotten better, but we won’t know until I read this.
Disclaimer: Marvel owns all characters and settings.
(Again? I’m not going to even comment.)
Stark white walls jutted up from the sterile floor, continuing endlessly, every turn around the corner bringing the same rat's maze of barren corridors. The bleak emptiness of the halls, devoid of any sentiment or decoration, was suggestive of the Arctic tundra: a cold, desolate place where one risked death upon entering.
(Once again, you’re actually pretty good at descriptions.)
The solitary beat of the man's footsteps resounded off the blank walls as he proceeded through the heart of the central Department K building. Numerous security measures had already ascertained that he was personnel, a scientist, authorized to come and go from the government research base as his procedures demanded.
(Department K, didn’t Logan work for them in the comics at one point?)
He rounded another corner, and this time gray, metal double doors waited for him at the end of the hall. The knowledge that his destination was in view brought a compound of dread and relief, though both were muted inklings of feeling rather than actual emotions. Upon arriving the door, a grimace twisted his mouth as his fingers clenched over the stainless steel handle, but instead of deliberating in the midst of motion, he drew the door open and continued into the next room.
"Heather," the scientist called immediately, even before he had fully entered the room. His tone was louder than usual: he knew the various scientific equipment monitoring tests would stifle his voice.
The heavy door slammed shut behind him, but his ears barely registered the sound. Instead, all of his attention was focused on the sight before him.
This laboratory consisted of a single capacious room. He stood in the front of the chamber, at the beginning of a path that led through the numerous counters; some of the surfaces were occupied by beakers and test tubes filled with chemicals, others contained assorted components of electronic paraphernalia. Toward the back of the room were two sections much more organized: one with several sleek, modern computers and additional technology. The other appeared to be a medical area, the counter lined with transparent jars of gauze pads, adhesive tape, and peroxide swabs; cabinets stretched out above, and a wide cot had been pushed back into the far right corner, a large potted fern placed conspicuously nearby.
(Way too much description here. Just say a capacious room with multiple counters, holding different types of equipment. Its very simple.)
On his right was a moderate set of wide steps, the stairs leading to loft-like area where more scientific equipment waited. But what drew the scientist's gaze were the people positioned only a few yards away from him at the bottom of the stairs.
A young man and a young woman stood side by side, still as statues; they didn't so much as blink. Both appeared to be in their mid-teens, though their age was incredibly difficult to discern.
At first glance, they were both astonishingly beautiful. Gleaming blue eyes surrounded by long dark lashes, in turn framed by upswept, elegant eyebrows, all set above finely sculpted cheekbones. Winter pale skin unblemished by any sort of scar accentuated perfectly symmetrical, alluring faces, complemented by sleek black hair. Athletic builds, too: whipcord thin bodies accompanied by lean, tough muscles, wiry but strong.
The two were strikingly gorgeous, positively stunning.
They were also astoundingly similar to one in terms of physical characteristics, the only noticeable difference being their genders and the girl's long, loose hair that extended midway down her back. Obviously, they were twins.
(More beautiful people huh?)
However, as the scientist gazed upon them, their attractive traits morphed into uncanny perfection, a candle melting before the heat of a flame. Their eyes were so distinctly bright that it seemed impossible the two weren't using illicit substances, and they stared fixedly into the empty space in front of them. Their eyelashes were much too full and dark to be natural and simply rendered their intense eyes all the more disquieting. Their skin was so pale it was virtually cadaverous and created a jarring contrast with their dark hair.
With their flawless features, too beautiful, too artificial to be real, this combination of peculiarities created a rather eerie effect upon their visages, as if simply surrounded by an aura of dissonance. After first glance, the pair was quite unsettling: their appearances became surreal to the point of unearthliness.
(Walter? As in Walter ‘Sasquatch’ Langkowski? Does that make ‘Heather’ Heather Hudson? Or the two twins Northstar and his sister who’s name currently escapes me?)
The scientist raised his eyes from the twins to the figure standing upon the platform. Setting his mouth into a determined line, he passed within a few feet of the uncanny pair as he moved swiftly up the stairs.
"Heather," he replied evenly as he reached the zenith of the staircase.
Heather MacNeil (Oh, so before she married James Hudson then huh?) was not an unattractive woman even though she lacked the soft, feminine appeal typically associated with her gender. Her demeanor was brusque, aloof, and unapologetically superior. She was tall, almost six feet in height and thin rather than svelte. Her facial features were angular, like those of a fox, and her long, straight, bronze-colored hair fell over the shoulders of her white lab coat, pinned back to keep it from hindering her vision.
(Oh, so she’s not as attractive as the others, since you didn’t say beautiful over and over again.)
"Have you come to visit my latest project?" She asked with a sharp smile when she turned from the monitors she was observing to face him. The fluorescent lights glinted off the lenses of her wire-framed glasses, the glare obscuring her eyes for several moments.
The scientist, Walter, didn't move from the summit of the staircase. "Not quite," he replied. "Director Colcord has requested a meeting with both of us to discuss the progress of our research."
"Is that so." She didn't phrase the words as a question and leisurely moved a few paces away to some other piece equipment that stood on strong metal legs, this one very large, almost seven feet long and four feet wide. Though Walter couldn't see what the apparatus contained from his angle, he could hear quiet but steady beep emanating from this rectangular, box-like structure.
Walter frowned as he recognized the sound. "Good God, Heather, is that a heart monitor?"
A smug smile was the only response he received.
(Wait, wasn’t Heather the nice one from Alpha Flight?)
Walter rushed forward so he could see the contents of the device for himself and practically reeled back in shock at what he saw.
Inside laid a young woman, enclosed by a thick sheet of transparent fiberglass. The design of the apparatus and the manner in which the girl laid on her back was reminiscent of a corpse situated in a coffin during a wake.
Stomach rolling in a sudden wave of nausea, Walter turn to Heather, who was watching him expectantly from a countertop away. "What the hell is this?" He demanded, a blend of horror, anger, and disgust filling his tone.
"An integral part of my research," Heather informed him, unperturbed. She briskly walked over to join him where he stood, gazing down at the tubes and scalp electrodes attached to the woman.
"Human experimentation, Heather?" Walter's hands clenched into white-knuckled fists.
"Hardly," Heather replied glibly. "She's a mutant."
(Like the both of you. Since, you know, you’re the mutants Sasquatch and Guardian/Vindicator/whichever one of the two names you’re using since you kept swapping with your Hubby.)
Walter stared at her, too angry to properly speak.
"Before we brought her here, she was living in New York City," Heather explained. "Her mutation is certainly of the unusual variety. When she was found, she had been influencing the mentality of a man in New York City, a Mr. Peter Parker. She had him convinced that they were in a romantic relationship together and that he was in love with her. Curiously, her influence expanded from Parker to soon include Parker's family, then his closest friends, and then his enemies, the idea that she and Parker were in a perfect, fairy-tale romance growing stronger all the while."
"What's her name?" Walter asked warily.
Heather waved a hand dismissively. "Her real name? I have no idea. In New York City, she went by the ludicrous alias 'Carlie Cooper,' but we haven't been able to find any record that such a person actually existed."
(I KNEW IT! I knew her power was to mess with people’s minds!)
"And how did you manage to aquire a mutant for experimentation?" Walter challenged.
"That's quite an odd story," Heather said smoothly. "While influencing Parker and his family, et cetera, she persuaded them that she had been childhood best friends with Gwendolyn Stacy, a woman who was close to earlier in his life Parker and murdered by the Green Goblin when he took her hostage. However, Cooper seems to have begun to believe her own illusions at some point and tried to murder Norman Osborn for revenge."
(EXACTLY! This answers every single plot hole and head banger with Spider-Man. Wait, this chapter has been, good? Weird.)
Walter blinked. "The president of OsCorp?"
"The one and the same." Heather responded calmly. "Apparently she thought that he was the Green Goblin. The entire situation was very strange. When Cooper was arrested by the New York City Police Department, she tried to use her abilities to convince the police that she was a crime scene investigator for superhuman incidents. But because of the lack of time for her influence to spread, one of my contacts was able to notify me, a
| xBlue-Rosex chapter 1 . 10/25/2011
Your character is indeed a Mary Sue. That is about all I'm going to say about this story. I apologize but I have no constructive criticism to give you, and even if I did I doubt you'd do anything with it.
To The Fic Critic: Props to you for trying to help this poor soul out. They really need it, and I hope they take your advise.
Also if you were wanting more stories to critique I have a few oc stories I've started that could probably use a little help. One in particular that I've just started; Tug A War.
I have yet to finish or edit the second chapter but if you could critique the first that would be great. I haven't edited it much yet though, so there will be some grammar mistakes.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Once again I apologize to the writer of this story.
| Tigereye13 chapter 4 . 10/25/2011
The knowledge that his destination was in view brought a compound of dread and relief, though both were muted inklings of feeling rather than actual emotions. (What? What? What? Feelings and emotions are synonyms for each other. Dread and releif are types emotions! You can't say that he had an emotion and then say he didn't have an emotion. Yes, emotions are fleeting and tend to be extremes but if you feel the emotion and you had an emotion!)
You do know that Fraternal twins, what you have in this story, look about as much alike as any siblings would? I know comics, books, TV shows, and movies do this all the time making fraternal twins like exactly alike but that isn't how it is like in the real world. X-Men Evolution knew this, just look at Wanda and Pietro! Also, they are Fraternal Twins because they are brother and sister. Fraternal Twins come from different eggs, but are conceived at the same time.
"Obviously, they were twins." (Weird me and my older sister, who are nineteen months apart by the way, kept being asked if we were twins as we were growing up. Must not be that obvious if people couldn't tell that we weren't. Siblings have noticeable differences between them, especially brother and sister! Not just hair length. Oh, since I have short hair that makes me a guy right? And the guys that I've seen with long hair are really female? Because how they are being told apart, their hair length, implies that statement.)
"Currently, she is sedated, just enough to keep her in the R.E.M. cycle. (I'm sorry to burst your bubble but according to all of my psychology classes thus far, being sedated does not get you into the REM sleep cycle.)
Unethical CREEP! This person would never be able to get away with this! Oh did you know, everyone has slight mutations so saying their a mutant thus that makes it right wouldn't hold up against an ethic board. Yes, I know X-Men are extreme mutants but how is she going to prove this and not get thrown in jail! Also, were are the twins parents/guardians? Did this person kidnap two teenagers and no one has notice?
Oh, by the way, what in the freaking world just happened? Were the previous chapters just Carlie Cooper's dreams? Is this a past event? What? Explain! Last I knew, Lance was asking Carlie out and now this? I'm confused.
Oh, I know I've said this before but I will say it again: THIS IS A CROSSOVER AND SHOULD BE UNDER CROSSOVERS! I AM AN X-MEN EVOLUTION FAN! Please, put this as a crossover. If you don't know how to do this, then please send me a PM. I can help you.
Your great at describing the scenery. But I'm confused? Who is Norman Osborn? Was he the guy in charge of the newspaper company or something else? Who is this Walter guy? How about Heather? Are they OCs? Are they from Spiderman? I'm assuming Spiderman since they never appeared in X-Men Evolution.
| paycheckgurl chapter 1 . 10/8/2011
Okay, first off your defintion of a Mary Sue is inaccurate, look it up on TVtropes and then re-examine your story. The term is much boarder and fairly flexiable-but it can be used to describe any character whom the story revolves around and is seemingly without any real flaws. It can even be applied to canonical characters. The canon version of Carlie is often called out for having Mary Sue-like traits. Sadly your version takes it up a notch (a feat I thought to be impossible).
Now I must ask, why? Why would you take Carlie Cooper, one of the single most hated characters in the Spider-Man comics ever (yes that includes everyone associated with the clone saga) and write a fic where she is all powerful? Is this some sort of stealthy trolling thing that I'm not finding the humor in? Are you Dan Slott or Joe Quesada in disguise attempting to convice us all that Carlie is really awesome and we should all love her? I would go on a rant about making characters you don't like mean and vindictive (and Satanist?), and thus out of character-but the simple fact this story TURNED CARLIE COOPER INTO EVEN MORE OF A MARY SUE THAN SHE IS IN CANON is still something I'm trying to wrap my mind around.
PS speaking of TVtropes this story has a well deserved spot on the So Bad it's Horrible Page. Congrats.