|Reviews for Web of Shadows|
| The Fic Critic chapter 3 . 10/3/2011
"He's right," Lance agreed, sending an impressed look her way. "You know, I've had some great times with my mate Pietro, but now I'd like to give you a try. Tell me something: would someone as talented as you be inclined to join me for dinner on the town and a movie at the cinema this evening?"
(So, he often asks Pietro to dinner and movies? Gay.)
"Oh, my gosh, Carlie, he's asking you out!" Kitty whispered. "What are you going to do?"
"Lance, I-" Carlie started to speak, but she was interrupted when a loud explosion sounded from beyond a grove of trees!
(An exclamation point in a description. That is a sign of bad writing. Exclamations are to be used for... you know what, I don’t care, that’s nitpicking.)
Ok, my opinion.
It’s actually lost the point from last time, but gained more for being so bad, its actually making me laugh.
Rogue isn’t being portrayed as negatively. She’s actually fairly sympathetic. However, everyone else appears to be bullying her. Yes, this is the message she’s sending out. Kids, if you see a quiet and snarky goth girl who believes in a strange religion, make her life hell to the point she becomes really mean spirited is A-O-K! And calling them a loser because of their faith is a nice thing to do!
You’re using a mix of old timey slang and occasional British terms. Note, only some of it is British, as a Brit myself, I can assure you that only a few terms are British. Many of them haven’t been used for hundreds of years. And by mixing them with a few British terms adds to the stereotype. So quit it. I may have to make a British Abridged version of this story to show how to do real British dialog.
This is getting so bad it might be a troll fic. Which would explain a lot, but raise the question on why you were so defensive previously. Trolls write to get flames. So why be annoyed when you get them.
At least you stopped insulting emotionally fragile actresses. Thought it’s only a matter of time before you take a few swings at the Goth subculture. If I see one comment directed at Voltaire I swear I’m gonna freak out.
So, where’s Logan and his justified Paranoia? After all, he was really close to Rogue, you’d think he’d be annoyed at a Nazi Terrorist bullying her like this.
I am The Fic Critic, Because someone had to say it.
| The Fic Critic chapter 3 . 10/3/2011
Hey! It’s me! Haven’t seen you in a while! So, how you doing? Well, lets look at this.
Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Marvel Comics, including Carlie Cooper. No profit was/is/ will be gained from this page.
(A third one? You don’t need one every chapter. Once on your profile is enough. Marvel isn’t going to track down fanfiction authors who forget to desclaim and take their stuff down. All but Joey Que have a life)
Author Disclaimer: No events, interactions, or verbal exchanges represent the opinions of Artemis's Liege in any way.
(Oh you are ****ing kidding me.)
As anger welled in the pit of her stomach, Carlie locked her unique wisteria blue gaze onto Rouge's. "Why did you trip me?"
(Nothing is unique about blue eyes. Its the most common eye colour.)
Disgust crossed over Rouge's features. "What are you talking about?"
(Yeah, what? She can’t prove Rogue tripped her.)
"You just tripped me down the steps," Carlie informed her coldly. "What's your problem with me?"
Rouge rolled her eyes. "Other than that you're right up annoying? You see, Scott likes you. And I want him to like me. I can't let you get too close to him."
(That was just terribly written.)
Carlie narrowed her eyes. "So what? You're trying to force me out of the picture so you can have himself all to yourself?"
"Looks that way, doesn't it?" Rouge replied, her tone sarky (snarky), and eyes sparking with malice.
"Well, that won't work," Carlie told her. "There's no way a good fellow like Scott would ever want a pathetic bint like you, not even if you blagged him into it."
"Shut up," Rouge hissed. "You don't know anything."
"I know that you're trying to be so goth and dark and evil by being a Satanist," Carlie said, her distinctive blue eyes blazing. "Seriously, A Satanist? You are such a loser."
(Wow, Carlie’s such a bitch. Calling someone a loser for their religion? As I said, Satanism is just a religion. Be glad I haven’t decided to flame you for the goth comment. As a Goth myself, I have to say you’re pushing it)
"If you say one more word, I'm going to turn you into brown bread," Rouge threatened.
"Why don't you have a go at it?" Carlie's heart was pounding. Whilst she had battled various petty thieves and several supervillains, Coldheart, Freak, Cyclone, and the Green Goblin amongst them, she had never brawled with a classmate before. But if she could take down terrorists, then she could deal with a jealous goth.
(You don’t know that. She’s an X-Man, and the most badass of them (Seriously, Rogue is considered the most badass of the X-ladies, and one of the biggest complaints about the films was her not being so) and can have your power. She would totally win.)
But before she could blink, Rouge had rushed toward her, and slammed her fist into Carlie's mouth. The impact and sudden pain sent Carlie stumbling backwards, and she pressed her hand against her lips as the metallic taste of blood trickled over her tongue.
(Go Rogue! Yay!)
An angry male voice broke the silence, and Rouge's smug smirk faded slightly as Scott, followed by Jean, Kitty, Lance and Pietro, sprinted towards them.
Lance was wearing a white button-down shirt with vertical grey stripes, a black leather jacket, faded, dark classic-style jeans, and suedette lace-up shoes, and wore the clothes well.
Pietro looked very handsome himself in a grey, lightweight cotton hoodie decourated with an ivory Fair Isle print and welt pockets, with a heather blue V-neck T-Shirt underneath. He also wore black jeans and steel blue gutties.
Though more casual, Scott's outfit was quite suave as well. He had a burgundy, plaid, vintage button-down shirt open a black Abercrombie T-Shirt, dark jeans, a belt of burnished brown leather, and classic, dark green lace-up plimsoles.
(Not as gay but still kind of gay)
Jean was very stylish in a strappy, white lacy minidress, with a long, V-Neck wine-coloured cardigan with a family crest patch embroidered on the front pocket that she wore open over the dress. She also had a black leather belt with a dark blue chiffon flower embellished over the buckle, and leather sandals with thin, braided straps. Her long red hair was loose and flowed over her shoulders.
(Is this a super hero fanfic or a fashion show!)
Kitty's outfit was twee: a powder blue, vintage button-down shirt under a pink cashmere cardigan trimmed with delicate lace at the neck and buttons, and the cuffs of both shirts were rolled to her elbows. A tiered, lacy, ruffled white miniskirt, a leather belt with a lilac floral pattern, and a pair of beaded, white leather sandals completed her outfit. She had styled her hair so two thin braids formed a circlet around her scalp.
(Did anyone think Kitty’s clothes sound kind of slutty for her?)
"What do you think you're doing, Rouge?" Kitty demanded, getting all up in Rouge's face.
(What? Why? She had it coming. Carlie was calling her a loser and said she wanted to fight.)
Scott grabbed the Satanist by the shoulders and began shaking her roughly. "How could you do that to Carlie?"
"Because I think she's a slapper," Rouge growled, glaring daggers at Scott.
(See, completely justified. She IS a slapper.)
Pietro approached Carlie, and spoke gently. "Are you are all right, Carlie? Would you care for some char? Or should I get Ms. Munroe to check you out? She's a certified doctor, you know."
(Er, no she’s not. Storm’s just the team mom. Hank is the doctor. Stormy grew up in Africa and came to the states to live homelessly until Xavier found her. She never HAD TIME to become a certified doctor. That stuff tates a decade to study, you don’t get into med school until your 23 after spending every year since high school in college and then you don’t get an internship until you’re 27ish. Why do you think JD turned thirty despite looking about 25?)
"Yeah," Lance added, nudging Pietro away. "We could get the Professor and tell him what Rouge did. She would get into a lot of trouble. She might even get sent to Coventry, and then none of us would have to deal with her whinging anymore."
(Lance, you tried to start a riot when a girl turned you down. If anyone should be punished for whining, its you bro.)
Carlie hesitated. She didn't like the other girl, and the Satanist had tried to harm her, but was this right thing to do? "No," she decided.
(See, that’s a Mary Sue reaction)
Everyone looked surprised.
"Are you sure, Carlie?" Kitty asked. "Rouge's dropped a clanger here, and we were all, totally, witnesses. The Professor would never, like, believe Rogue over us."
"I want to finish our punch-up," Carlie said, meeting Rouge's eyes. "Then, I'll prove that I'm not one to be messed with."
"Like that's going to happen." Rouge smirked. "I hope that you have a plastic surgeon on call, because when I'm done with you, that pretty face is going to look like raw hamburger meat."
"How dare you say something like that to her!" Pietro punched Rouge in the face. The Satanist, cruel, but wily, grabbed his bare hand and held the appendage against the skin of her cheek, and Pietro wavered.
(Wait, he punched her in the face? WTF. WHAT THE F*K! ? Dude, Pietro’s a dude, and Rogue, while bit of a tomboy, isn’t. Under no circumstances should a dude punch a girl in the face unless she just hit them first. If they’re your sister, hitting the arm is ok, but anything else is wrong)
"What's she doing?" Carlie asked Lance frantically.
"With her mutation, she can drain away people's memories, thoughts, and abilities," Lance explained. "She's going to use Pietro's mutation as her own. Rouge! Stop!"
(Didn’t Jean explain this last time?)
Pietro collapsed, and Rouge tossed aside his unconscious body as if he were nothing more than a rag doll. A crazed light glinted in her eyes.
"You can do this, Carlie," Lance encouraged. "Show that toffee-nosed goth swot what you're made of!"
(Goth swot? What kind of slang is this? It sounds old timey.)
Rouge charged at her faster than the speed of sound, but thanks to Carlie's spider-sense, she could tell where Rouge was going to be. With her enhanced strength, she let her fist fly into Rouge's face several times, careful to keep her punches quick and rapid, lest she allow Rouge to touch her skin for too long. Soon, Rouge fell to the ground, barely able to wheeze for breath because of Carlie's tonks.
(God, brutal. You had super strength. One hit was more than enough. Wait, Spidey has a healing factor (Pietro sorta too) and she has Spidey powers, Rogue touched her skin when she punched her. She would also gain her skills. Rogue’s badassery, plus Spidey powers, plus Speedy powers, equals curb stomp battle on Carlie. She should have lost)
Her friends congratulated her.
(Oh, what loyal pineapples to congratulate her beating on a misfit. Not many would encourage the bullying of another student. Seriously, people are so mean to Rogue. Next Jean will be giving her a wedgie from a flagpole)
"That was jolly good, Carlie!" Kitty said excitedly. "You're better at hand-to-hand combat than any of us!"
(What was that?)
Carlie chuckled. "I'm sure that's not true," she said modestly.
(No, its not. Scott is a cannon badass. Storm is a cannon badass. Kitty is a cannon badass. Lance is a cannon badass. Carlie, is a cannon whiny bitch who thought that a good reaction to being stood up was to get a white supremacy tattoo of the guy who killed her boyfriends first love and her old friend. Yeah, she did that.)
"You were excellent," Pietro said, smiling at her.
Carlie felt a blush begin to flood her cheeks. "Thanks. I've been through a gauntlet, but now I think I'm going to be fine."
(Er, come again?)
Break it up here.
| Tigereye13 chapter 3 . 10/2/2011
OK, not to be mean or anything like that but you do have a Mary Sue. Even if you didn't create her, she has become one.
Think of all the characters being planets each with their own orbit. Sometimes the characters orbits will cross, pull, and push on each other symbolizing their interactions. How they act, personality traits, and what makes them them is their orbit. Now a Mary Sue is a black hole. Disrupting the other character's orbits and making them center around the Mary Sue. A May Sue is only a Mary Sue when they change how the other characters act, hence why everyone is annoyed about how Out of Character everyone has become.
Carlie on her own might not be a Mary Sue but how everyone acting around her makes her one. She has disrupted everyone's natural orbits and is drawing them towards herself. Her orbit can interact with other character's orbits but not change them completely. Jean letting someone take Scott is OOC, Rogue acting this way is OOC, and I think Kitty wouldn't be so thrilled about Lance asking Carlie out since she has dated Lance and might have some old feelings for him. And since when does everyone hate Rogue? I know that Jean and Rogue weren't the best of friends but they respected each other. They trusted each other.
Also, I'm an X-Men Evolution fan! How am I supposed to know where Carlie comes from? If she's from the Spider-Man world then make this a crossover. Since otherwise I will assume that Carlie is an OC of yours. Chapter One's Author Note seemed to imply that she was an OC.
I get the first Disclaimer but the second one is odd. How can this not represent your opinions? Was your account hacked? Your letting a friend use your account? Is this some sort of challenge? I know when I write a story it's because that's what I want to write. How are the 'events, interactions, or verbal exchanges' anything but your own?
| The Lady Cloudy chapter 3 . 10/2/2011
Dear Artemis's Liege,
I ask you to please listen to the very helpful advice that everyone who reviews this story is giving you. Muse of Storytelling, silverstarofquebec, Night Fiction, captainawesomeamazingpants, The Fic Critic, Tigereye13, StormyNightengale, and I are all trying to help you. So please try to follow our advice.
Carlie is a Mary Sue and if she's from the Spider Man fandom then this should be listed as a Spider Man & X-Men: Evolution crossover. Nowhere is Rogue even hinted at being a satanist. Not in the comics, not in the 1990s show, and not in XME. Please stop using this story as a way to show your own dislike for Rogue. Everyone is way OOC. Please try to make your OC less of a sue.
| Muse of Storytelling chapter 3 . 10/2/2011
I have two things to say. One, I don't think this is written by the person who was Artemis's Liege. I mean on your profile is says under Hate X-men Evolution pairings ( and I quote) "Scott/anyone besides Rogue, Jean" and you had Jean basically give Scott away (which is wrong in many ways other than this. Also you seem to like Rogue in "you're" other fics, and they are Rogue-centric. Two, whoever you are, Carlie is a Mary-Sue. That is a BAD THING. I could go into more detail, but The Fic Critic took care of that. On a positive note, you are a quite exceptional writer and very good at describing things.
Oh, I also wanted to say something to The Fic Critic. You are awesome. I think that what you are doing is great and that you feedback is a great critical analysis of fanfiction. I defiantly putting you blog into my favorites.
| silverstarsofquebec chapter 3 . 10/2/2011
Okay, what's going on here? Rogue was real angsty and kinda hated people, but I mean, come on. It's Rogue. She doesn't trip people, and she DEFININTELY wasn't a satanist.
Is this like an AU or something? The writing itself is okay and actually pretty good, but you're really screwing up the characters. Everyone's OOC, and even if Carlie isn't your own character, you're making her a HUGE Mary-Sue. Rogue isn't a straight-up bitch. The thing that pretty much makes Jean who she is is her ability to see past people's exteriors and try to be as nice as possible to them, and you just ripped that away from her. And in every single X-Men universe, she and Scott are together. No questions asked, unless Emma Frost's involved, and even then, they're still semi-together.
I have to ask this though: Why the hell are they getting British accents? Why on this earth is Kitty saying "jolly good"? That is not Kitty. That never will be Kitty.
Everything in this is so screwed up. Brotherhood's nice and not trying to kill the X-Men, in fact, they're living together, and the X-Men all hate Rogue when in the show they were all trying to recruit her and befriend her, and WTH did you make Rogue a satanist? That bugs me even more than Jean, and that's saying something, because I really want to smack Jean.
This is an AU. I'm done reading this fic. Please do something about your characters. Sorry if I just flamed you really bad. I just wanted to let it be known that you really need to tell us if this isn't actually based on X-Men: Evolution. And fix your Sue. People don't like them because they're overpowered. They're godawful things that no one can relate to because whether it's real life or a story, no one's perfect, no one is liked by everyone, and no one needs an entire paragraph describing themselves, right down to their perfume. I mean, that's just narcissism right there.
That's it. I'm done.
| Night Fiction chapter 2 . 10/2/2011
I admit I actually tired to not throw up when I read this, but luckily I didn't.
WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ROGUE TRIP HER?
Sure, I admit Rogue is a deadpan snarker, maybe even the snark knight, but dear lord, 'TRIPPING'?
How Rogue would waste her time on a drop dead retard like 'Carlie' is beyond me.
| Night Fiction chapter 1 . 9/28/2011
No, honey, a Mary Sue is an overpowered, self insert, non original, goody goody perfect character that everyone seems to love for no reason.
You fail, try again. :D
| Silence Too Loud chapter 1 . 9/24/2011
Lord almighty this is bad. A complete and utter Mary-Sue. In your opinion you think she is not a Mary-Sue but when you're a writer it doesn't really matter what you think as your storys are for the entertainment of the reader. I am appalled that this is even considered writing and heres why..
-YOUR CHARECTOR IS A MARY-SURE! Good lord,Carlie is beautiful, carlie is smart, carlie is this, carlie is that. It took you a looong paragraph to discribe what she was wearing right down to her perfume. Thats completely pointless. As bitchy as Rogue is acting it looks like shes the only smart person in this story!
- All the charectors were ooc. Every single one. Jeans a prostitute/harpy, Rogues a satinist bitch, Charles is a perverted prick, Logan is a paranoid shizoid, and the brotherhood guys are acting nice and polite. (WTF?)
-The charector bashing is stupid. Everyone has one or two chartores that they really don't like but it's your responsibility as a writer to write them at least how they're portrayed in the TV show!
-Your charector is NOT an OC! She's from Spider Man and claiming she is YOUR original Charector is against copyright policy! YOU CANNOT CLAIM SHE IS YOURS! Thats just as bad as claiming Jean, or Scott, or Rogue is yours! Do you want to get sued?
-Jean just giving up scott? WHAT. THE. HELL? At the end of the series they are together. In all of the X-Men franchises they are together (Well in the comics Scott is with Emma Frost too..) Have you even seen the TV show? EVER? Jean would not just say "OH Scott? He's just the love of my life you can have him!" It does not work like that girly.
On that not this review is over and I am going to go read something worth my time and effort. I strongly suggest deleting this peice of crap you claim is a fanfic.
Keep Writing...or not..
| Kii chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
well, this should end well (note slight sarcasm)
| Kii chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
well, this should end well (note slight sarcasm)
| The Fic Critic chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
Ok, my opinion now:
You gained a point by showing you have a considerable amount of knowledge about the comics and had tricked us into thinking she was an OC when actually she was a comic character. However, you then loose two points because you became worse. Every flaw in the last one has either gotten worse or flat out treated like its a positive aspect.
Jean, its weird, you’re making her really unsympathetic like everyone else, but you’re acting like its a good thing. God, what is wrong with you?
Carlie, of all the characters to use, why the character everyone else hates? You know of TV Tropes right, you have a link on your profile. Why would you use someone who is heavily criticised on that site. Or did you read it and decide ‘oh wait, I disagree, I think someone like that is a good idea for a character, I’m going to use them’.
You actually made her more sue-itific than she was in the comics. I think you’ve taken a MS test, and when you noticed a characteristic you haven’t used, you start adding it in. Look, A Mary Sue, is a BAD thing. People HATE Sues. Carlie IS A SUE. God, learn to read.
I’ve came to the conclusion that you in fact, have NEVER, EVER, watched the show. It appears you have merely read a couple of character names and their powers, before going on to write this. Ithas nothing in common with the show. With the exception of Xavier’s telepathy and Carlie’s apparent teleportation ability, or at least that’s what it sounded like, no one has used any powers.
This is not a fanfiction about X-Men Evolution, this is a Fanfic about a character from Spider-Man with the Evolution cast acting as background fodder.
So far, the only two character’s I like are Logan and Rogue. Logan, for being right to suspect her, after all, someone who spends so much time on their clothes and has no tolerance for other religions has to be evil, there’s no other explanation. Rogue, for being a Satanist, far too little characters are alternate religion followers, and for being a suitable viewpoint character right now. What, Are you saying We’re not supposed to support Rogue? Are you saying we’re supposed to agree with Jean and Carlie? No, you have to be pulling my leg. No way is that true.
Lastly, I believer that this is defiantly not your account. The quality and opinions are so drastically different, no way are those stories written by the same person who wrote this. They all seem to be very Rogue centric, so its impossible someone could then right a story like this that misses no chance to bash her.
I leave you now, with words of wisdom: Stop. Ok, I can’t give constructive criticism, all I can give is Mercy Criticism. There’s nothing constructive anyone can do right needs to be destroyed and started again, or heavily revised. I suggest, Placing Pietro and Lance on the right team, using a less annoying character (Or better yet, retool her. Instead of being a Sue, you can write Carlie as a likable, actually relatable character, you could use this to actually be better than Cannon if you tried), and you know, watch the series.
Also, I've set up my blog. Its .com. To those who wish to see the whole review without it being broken up, please do so. I will also start reviewing other stories, so if you have any story in mind that you read and think needs some critique, tell me. Again, I'd set up an account, but my name's already been taken and using a different one is out of the question.
But that's not important, what is, is that, this story needs help. I'm not flaming, and criticising. If you want a flame, I can give you one:
This story burnt my eyes, you should take a razor blade to your wrist.
There, see, thaty's a flame. I'm not a flamer, I'm an honest reviewer who doesn't mind speaking up about a story's problems.
I'm the Fic Critic, Because someone had to say it.
| The Fic Critic chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
"I'm glad he did that," Jean confided. "You're going to love it here, Carlie. And don't worry about being popular because everyone here already loves you. Well, everyone except for Rogue, but don't worry about her. No one likes her anyway."
(Since when? Scott, Kurt, Kitty, Evan, hell, most of the fan base all loved Rogue, since when did everyone hate her.)
"What's wrong with her?" Carlie asked tentatively. "She seems so unfriendly."
"She has a bad attitude," Jean said. "She can't touch anyone because of her mutation, and that makes her unhappy, but I'm glad. This way, she'll never get to have Scott. She's also a Satanist. Have you seen the way she dresses?"
(Since when? She dressed like a goth, not a Satanist. Satanism is a religion, that contrary to popular belief isn’t about devil worshipping or being evil, but about freedom. They agree with Satan’s principal, that God has too many rules and they shouldn’t be followed, they believe we should have the right to sleep around, pig out, drink, drugs, everything that isn’t considered a violent crime but is considered morally wrong. They don’t dress like Goths, in fact, that’s a stereotype that has been holding Goths down since they first started to appear.)
"Being a Satanist is a really bad thing," (No, its not, its just a different religion. You know, the last people who claimed it was wrong to follow a different religion, they were called Terrorists, and they’re still around today, blowing up buildings and being mean. Before them, the group who hated people of different faith were called Nazis. Is that what you are? A Nazi Terrorist? I think Logan is right to be suspicious) Carlie said worriedly. "What if she's recruiting other students?" (Well, what if Kurt is recruiting students to Catholicism? What if Kitty is recruiting them to Judism? Same deal people.)
Jean frowned. "Yeah, that would be awful." She brightened. "You know what? We should figure out how to get her expelled!"
Carlie giggled. "How would we do that?"
"Well, I have a few ideas," Jean replied mischievously.
(Why would Jean want to get her expelled? She liked Rogue, did you watch the show?)
The girls began chatting, and Carlie changed into her pajamas, which drawstring blue and white plaid pants that said, "Aero 1987" down the left leg in yellow lettering, and a matching blue shirt that said, "Aeropostale" across the front in yellow lettering. The best friends talked, laughed, and plotted well into the night.
(Huh, more in depth description of clothing. Wait, did she change with Jean in the room? That’s a little weird considering they just met and already have so many Lesbian vibes. Now they’re getting naked in front of each other? Wait, I want to picture that for a second... Nah, its stupid, they’re cartoon lesbians, it wouldn’t be worth it.)
The next morning, Carlie was awakened by the rays of sunlight streaming through the uncovered windows. After taking a few minutes to rub the sleep from her eyes, she decided to explore the grounds. Glancing over at Jean, who was still asleep, she decided to go alone. She didn't want to wake her new best so early when it had been a late night for both of them, and she needed some time to herself.
(New Best what? Her best Pineapple? Is Jean her new Best Pineapple?)
The first thing she did was comb her hair and style it into a cute, braided fishtail, and added a floral headband. When she was finished, she selected her outfit: a long-sleeved, henley shirt with ivory and mint green stripes over a lacy, ivory camisole, a short, curb chain necklace embellished with a long stem carved rose charm with rhinestone details, small drop earrings that featured a large rose-printed bead in each center and cutout frame with an antique finish, classic, medium denim jeans with a straight leg fit, and a pair of magenta and navy blue plaid Hollister sneakers. Just in case of an early morning chill, she grabbed her white, lightweight, military-inspired jacket with silvertone buttons down both the left and the right side and tied it around her waist. She applied just a few hints of makeup, with a touch of pink lip gloss, and sprayed just a little perfume, "DKNY Be Delicious."
(More description on clothes. I feel like this is a messed up clothing fetish erotica noval.)
Quietly, so not to wake the other occupants of the house, Carlie crept downstairs. As she passed by the living room, she heard voices arguing softly, obviously lowered so not to draw attention to themselves.
"You're my best friend here, Lance. When the Professor found me, you were one of the X-Men who helped stop the Brotherhood of Mutants from abducting me."
(Wait, What? Since when? Oh, this is an AU, well, a few problems with that then. If Pietro and Lance weren’t dicks when first introduced (And in Pietro’s case, got worse from there) than that would mean Kitty and Evan wouldn’t be around. Had Lance not been a thug, he wouldn’t of discovered Kitty had powers or persued her. To which Kitty would continue to bemoan about her powers before offing herself. As For Evan, had Pietro not been robbing him, he would have gone somewhere else other than his school that night, and likely got into a fight and died. SO, your universe and your changes lead to so many problems.)
Carlie frowned. She wasn't certain, but she thought that it was Pietro's voice. He must have been speaking to Lance.
"I remember," Lance's baritone responded. "And I've had some great times with you, 'Tro. (Like, Gay times? I’m sorry, but the two sound like a gay couple right now) But something tells me that Carlie and I are meant to be together."
(But you just met her, and didn’t even strike up a conversation. Lance, its creepy you’re thinking like that about a girl you just met. Very Creepy. No wonder you’re always a rapist in fanfics.)
A gasp escaped from Carlie's lips. She hurriedly clapped a hand over her mouth, thinking of how embarrassing it would be to be caught eavesdropping when she was the topic of conversation. But her mind raced. Did Lance really feel that way about her?
(If he does, than get Pepper spray, a taser, and a gun-Oh right, you have Spidey powers. Good luck fighting him off then.)
"I'd let you have her, Lance," Pietro replied. "But I don't think that I'd ever be able to get over Carlie. She's wonderful. With her at my side, I could take down the entire Brotherhood."
(Take down the Brotherhood. I’m sorry, but Pietro, you were the worst of them! Each one had a redeeming characteristic except you. You were, by all means of description, a Sociopath. You were rotten to the core. Unless, you’re planning to take them down because they aren’t evil enough for you. Is that it?)
A soft blush blossomed over Carlie's cheeks. Both these boys were admitting to each other that they were attracted to her. It hard to believe that she could ever inspire such passionate feelings in someone else. (Not passionate, disturbing. Call George Stacy up, you’ll need the cops to help you here.) Her face grew warmer as she continued to listen to their conversation, so she walked past the room and exited through the front door as quietly as she could. A sigh of relief escaped her lips as she twisted the knob and pushed it open, and no alarms rang throughout the halls. She walked out onto the wide, bare porch, enclosed by sculpted, wide stone pillars that supported the building, and made her way to the broad stone steps. She continued down the first one, when she suddenly tripped over an object and tumbled down the remaining steps to the ground.
(Is she dead? I hope so.)
She lay there, sprawled for a moment, catching her breath, then stood to find Rogue sitting and leaning against the base of the nearest pillar, wearing a goth outfit, her long legs stretched out in front of her. The girl scowled down at Carlie, her icy green eyes glaring menacingly as her lip curled. She said nothing.
(Wow, that was cool of Rogue, she just did everything I wanted to do right now. You know, her being a Satanist who does everything I want to right now, that’s actually pretty cool. I like your Rogue, she’s probably the only likable character so far.)
Trembling with anger and anticipation, Carlie stood her ground. This "Rogue" was malicious; she had just deliberately tripped her! Every word Jean had said was true. Preparing for a fight, Carlie steeled herself to confront the other girl.
(Wait, you have super strength. And Rogue has a normal strength level. You realize that, even if to you she had it coming, you’re going to be beating down on a girl you easily outmatch. That makes you the badguy here.)
Huh, need to break it up again, too long.
| The Fic Critic chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
Hello, me again, since you were gutsy enough to shoot down my advice, I might as well review this chapter, and any future ones, until you realize that listening to criticism is actually helpful for your writing. Before Ibegin, a quick message to Cloudy: thank you for realizing that my intentions are good, and thank you for complimenting my style, I was inspired by the Nostalgia Critic and his friends. I wanted to review comics, but Linkara beat me to it, so instead I’m reviewing fan fiction. I would make an account, but the name is unfortunately already taken. There’s also another critic out there who does fanfiction, but I’m sure we can both exist. Also, one thing to point out, my name is The Fic CRITIC, not chick, I’m a guy. Don’t worry, easy mistake, most people assume Fanfiction readers are girls, its probably why my interests are so different than others. Anyway, to the review:
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, and other plot elements belong to Marvel. I do not gain any profit from this page.
(Didn’t you do that in the last chapter? And on your profile? You know, you only have to say it once. Marvel isn’t going to come down and have your story taken down if you forget to include them)
Review response: The Fic Critic
(Hey, that’s me!)
Story Title: I devised the title on my own. I didn't name it after anything.
(Oh, so no symbiote invasion then, huh? Well, why use a name already taken by a Spider-Man game? You must have heard of it, it was relitivly popular amongst fans and critics called it the best Spidey game so far. You seem to be a web head fan, why wouldn’t you know of that game?)
About "panelled" vs. "paneled": actually, I checked out Webster's Dictionary website, and both seem to be acceptable. So I guess that it's just a personal preference.
(Huh, not according to Microsoft word, a single ‘l’ would be autocorrected into panelled.)
"Freaky Friday": That movie disgusted me. The character "Anna" was presented as hysterical, bratty, unreasonable, sullen, and barely likable, and yet, she was supposed to be a realistic teenage girl. While it's true that ALL teenagers, male or female, have their bad days, none that I know as a whiny and selfish as Anna was. Frankly, I felt quite insulted by her depiction; she wasn't even a real character, just a living bundle of teenage stereotypes.
(I never said it wasn’t bad, but not the worst. In fact, your criticism about that film is funny, when you yourself are using nothing but terribly out of character versions of the cast, and a main character who is nothing but a plain and boring plot device.)
Linsay Lohan: Yes, what her parents did to her was horrible and sad. But everyone has issues with their parents. Some issues are more extreme, some issues less. However, she's twenty-five now, and can't always be blaming someone else for her problems. At this point she needs to start taking responsibility for herself. She's been arrested for two DUIs, has been in and out of rehab for drugs and alcohol, and was caught shoplifting a necklace from a jewelry store. I will concede that she helped the British Red Cross in the aftermath of the Haiti earthquake.
(She never blamed her parents, in fact, its why its so sad. She’s gotten drunk and taken drugs because what they did is just inhuman. Its the same as anyone who takes drugs: They have problems, its not their fault, the world can be cruel, and it forces some into drugs and desperation. Calling her a Crackhead is insensitive and just plain mean. The world isn’t black and white, and until you realize that, you don’t really have the right to complain about someone else’s problems.)
My fics: "Its weird, I've looked at the profile page, and is all of your stories this bad." Could you let me know which of my stories you consider "bad," and inform me why? I welcome constructive criticism, just not flames.
(Well, I actually did read some, and they weren’t bad. Not my cup of pepsi, but not bad. Its why I can’t seem to get how you can write all those stories, and then write this and not realize all the mystakes you’re making.)
On with the story.
With graceful ease, Carlie nimbly dropped from the ceiling, flipping in midair so she fluidly landed on her feet, as Jean stared at her, astounded.
"But . . . how?" That was all Jean could manage to say.
(The same way Kurt can do it? He can climb walls too, remember. He did it in the first episode.)
A somber look crossed Carlie's lovely face. "I should probably tell you everything. Well, when I was very young, my mother died, and my father had to raise me by himself. He was a police officer, and I always helped him with his cases, but one day he was killed in the line of duty."
(Wait, that sounds familiar. How can you help a cop in his cases if you’re just a kid? Did you go around with a talking dog and a high tech skateboard while beating baddies and letting him take the credit?)
"Oh, Carlie!" Jean rushed forward to embrace her best friend. (Wait, Best Friend? They just met. That’s a little too soon. What about Scott, if the two aren’t dating they must be best friends.) "That's so terrible! You must be very strong to live through that."
(Er, no, anyone can live through grief. Many people loose loved ones, to cope with it, its not a matter of strength, its a matter of time)
Carlie gave her a melancholy smile. "It's all right. I learned to cope with it. After a while, you adjust to stuff like that. Anyway, after my dad passed away, the family of my best friend, Gwen Stacy, adopted me. I lived with them happily for several years. But then, about a year ago . . . my mutation surfaced. I don't even know why it took the form that it did. But I didn't tell anyone about it, not even Gwen. But I wanted to follow Spider-Man's example, so I began fighting crime in my spare time. Then, one day when I was supposed to meet Gwen in the park, the Green Goblin appeared suddenly and started wreaking havoc.
(Gwen? Gobby? So you must know something about Spider-Man. Wait, Carlie, Spider-Man, I wonder...)
"I had no choice but to don my Spider-Girl costume and try to subdue him. There was no one else around, so we weren't endangering anyone. I was close to figuring out his secret identity, and I had ripped away most of his mask. When Gwen arrived at the park, though, the Goblin took her captive, and threw her off of the George Washington Bridge to distract me. I tried to save her, but. . ." Carlie's exquisite wisteria blue eyes welled with tears, and several ran down the fine, sculpted planes of her cheeks. "I'm not sure, but I think when I caught her by the leg with a string of web, her neck broke from the whiplash. My best friend died, and it's all my fault!" Carlie began to sob.
(Wait, two things are wrong with that. One, It was Spider-Man who failed to save Gwen, you can’t take that away from him, its just wrong. Two, I believe it was the Queensborough bridge, not the GW bridge.)
"No, Carlie!" Jean assured her. "Whatever the result, Gwen's death wasn't your fault! It was the Goblin! You tried to save Gwen!"
Carlie looked up at her, her face tearstained, but nonetheless beautiful. "You think so?"
"I know so," Jean said firmly. "Gwen was lucky to have a friend as wonderful as you."
"When she died, her parents were so stricken with grief that they sent me away because they couldn't bear to be reminded of Gwen every day. (Wait, Gwen’s mom was never there and her dad died before she did. How much research did you do? It was one of the most heart wrenching Spider-Man stories ever.) My birth name was Carlie Cooper, but I chose to take Gwen's surname as a tribute to her," Carlie explained tearfully. "Professor Xavier found me and invited me to learn here at the school."
(Wait, Carlie isn’t an OC, she’s Carlie £&Ing Cooper! How did I not see that? Ok, so, by your definition, she isn’t a Mary Sue, but by professional definition, she’s the worst one ever. To those who don’t know who’re reading this, Carlie Cooper is in fact not an original character, but a character from Spider-Man comics and Peter Parker’s current love interest. What’s that? What happened to MJ? Well, you see, Joe Quesada, EIC at the time, decided Spider-Man was no longer relatable, after all, how could a comic reader be able to relate to someone who’s married to a professional model and actress who has bigger boobies than Katie Price? No, he can only be relatable if he’s a loser who tries to download porn without his aunt knowing. Those are basically Quesada’s words. I kid you not. However, instead of divorce, or just a reboot that changes it so they’re dating or just Sex Buddies, no, he decided to do an anvilicious story that involves Peter selling his Marriage to the Devil Mephisto himself, in exchange for Aunt May’s survival. It was a highly controversial move and considered the biggest screw up in Spidey comics since the Clone Saga. However, to replace MJ as the love interest, they invented a new character, a forensic scientist with a troubled past which Peter could never relate to who would be perfect for him, and named after Joey Que’s Kid. Carlie Cooper was created. However, she’s received little to no approval, and has been constantly criticised for being, you guessed it, a Sue. Funny, Carlie Cooper, Carly Shay, two characters named Carlie/Carly, who’re both heavy sues, imagine that. Anyway, it amazes me that you’d actually use her. Why Not Debra Whitman? Or Gwenny? Or MJ? Or even Felicia, you know, the Spidey girl with Super Powers, depending on the writer at least. Why Cooper, the one that everyone hates? To those unfamiliar, the past she uses here is the same one from the comics, that Peter ‘Every family figure I know dies’ Parker can’t apparently relate to. ’ Parker can’t apparently relate to. Yes, that’s how stupid Marvel’s writers can be.)
Going to break it up there, too many characters to fit it in.
| Tigereye13 chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
I think I'd just point out to you that this is a Mary-Sue. Even in the summary she sounds like a Mary-Sue.