|Reviews for Web of Shadows|
| Theoneandonly chapter 4 . 11/14/2011
Huh, just like that, your story has made me lose all faith in God. Thank you for converting me to Satanism, it seems like a much cooler religion now.
| queenith2 chapter 4 . 11/14/2011
*Throws fists in the air* Yes! I love it when she's a traitor! X-men suck! Keep it up! (Whats with the purple eyes?)
| The Fic Critic chapter 4 . 10/27/2011
Continue it here.
"'Study?''' Walter repeated skeptically.
"Of course," Heather riposted. "Currently, she is sedated, just enough to keep her in the R.E.M. cycle (And as another reviewer pointed out, that wouldn’t work). Sometimes she stirs for a moment or two." Heather glanced at one of the monitors for several seconds. "Watch her, now."
As Walter frowned by followed her instructions, beneath the thick sheet fiberglass, Cooper opened her eyes for only about five seconds. But as he watched, her brilliant blue eyes faded to brown, her blonde hair darkened to chestnut, and her skin seemed to suddenly tan.
"What in God's name?" Walter breathed.
"She's a shapeshifter in addition to her mental influence," Heather said with pride. "A strange combination of mutant abilities no doubt, which is why I was particularly interested in her."
(And that explains why she looks different every issue. Well, in the comics. Here it doesn’t make sense since this is the Evolution universe. Weird, this one chapter has nothing to do with the previous story or the show.)
"Exactly what kind of research is taking place with this subject?" Walter questioned.
"I commissioned one of the telepaths to aid me for a few days," Heather said placidly. "The telepath depicted what Cooper dreams about while sedated. It would appear that her dreams are of a world where she's welcome, where she has a definitive place. When she phases out of unconsciousness, however briefly, an random interruption occurs in her dream world, such as a freak lightning storm or an explosion."
"When are you going to allow her to leave?" Walter queried suspiciously.
"I've examining the profiles of the mind control experts on retainer," Heather said, unconcerned. "But I'm not satisfied with any of the specialists. Before I can even consider concluding my research upon Cooper, I need to know how she exerts her influence. Is it psionic? Does she empathically force feelings onto the subject? Can she emit pheromones and thus manipulate people? Her abilities are so subtle it's difficult to pinpoint the origin."
Walter gazed at her steadily, but Heather merely waved a hand carelessly and proceeded down the stairs. Walter followed her.
"Honestly, Walter, it's not as if I'm hurting her."
"No," Walter agreed. "You're just keeping her here against her own will." (But, she was arrested, and as such its completely legal for the government to hold them.) He was distracted when his gaze fell upon the eerie twins once more. He barely managed to suppress a shiver from running up his spine. Their features were so flawless that something just seemed . . . off about them. "Heather . . . what about those two?"
"These?" Heather glanced the two, who were still staring blankly and didn't acknowledge her presence. "Ghost."
The both of them responded to the single name, turning to face Heather.
"Meet Dr. Walter Langkowski." She gestured in Walter's direction.
They turned to him, but their eyes remained unfocused.
"They're the best assistants I've ever had," Heather said with satisfaction. She turned to speak to Ghost. "At ease."
The two resumed their position at the base of the staircase.
"Are these mutants as well?" Walter sent her a look of disgust.
Heather wasn't offended in the least. "I'm not exactly sure what they are. They don't appear to be mutants, but I haven't bought into the alien theory just yet, though the rest of the staff evidently has. All I know is that they're certainly not human." Her words were deliberately vague, but her tone was composed as always. "I might advertise them as mutants, though."
"Heather, these are children. They probably wouldn't even be able to register for their driver's permits!" He emphatically pointed to the stairs. "And that's person you have drugged into docility! These people have rights, they aren't your playthings!"
Heather scoffed. She walked towards the wall, shrugged off her lab coat, and hung it on a wooden peg, revealing an immaculately cut pearl gray pantsuit beneath. "Walter, don't be naive. The world does not yet know about mutants, but it's only a matter of time. When that happens, people will fear mutants, then grow to hate them. Parents won't want their children attending school with mutants in the classroom, mutants won't be allowed in bars or restaurants, employers won't hire mutants. But if mutants are shown in a positive light, as hardworking citizens who protect the rest of society, then mutants might be accepted."
"So you've brainwashed mutants to follow you?" Walter ask in disbelief.
Heather sent him an arch look. "For scientific advancement, there must be sacrifice. You should understand that better than anyone."
He directed a scathing look at her for the retort, but she ignored him.
"Carlie Cooper could work to counsel people, to help them through their psychological issues. Ghost -" she again referred to the two teenagers as one entity, "- can run as fast as the speed of sound. They could rescue people from burning buildings or work with the police to capture criminals."
"So you aim to use mutants as servants of the rest of society?" Walter gazed at her disdainfully. "That's twisted, Heather. They're people, they shouldn't have to prove themselves to anyone."
"But nevertheless, they will," said Heather with annoying certainty. "But before mutants can save us, Walter, we must save them. We must show society that they can be trusted. And if a few mutants must be sacrificed for that cause," she looked from Ghost to the stairs, "so be it." She smiled. "Let's not keep Director Colcord waiting, shall we?" She walked to the door, high heels clacking as she moved.
With a grimace of distaste, Walter followed her, but not before sending one last dark glance at the device sitting at the apex of the stairs, and then at Ghost, whose empty gazes remained centered on nothing in particular.
So it was hard to describe in text, but I picture the two teenagers falling firmly into the Uncanny Valley category. As in creepy but difficult to pinpoint why they're so creepy, other than appearing too flawless to actually be human.
Ok, my opinion.
This chapter alone: 6/10
It’s actually pretty good... as a one shot. As a chapter of an otherwise crap story, then its just as crap. If you dropped a diamond into some crap that was then flash frozen and fossilized, it wouldn’t matter if its the most valuable diamond inside some crap in the world, its still a diamond inside some crap.
Now, full review of this chapter.
By itself, placed inside the Spider-Man section, it would be on a lot of people’s favourite list. Had it been a cannon comic, I would’ve bought seven. Had it just been a comment made by a few comic writers, I would’ve tattooed it.
It was, to word it, the greatest fan theory going. Its scary, but this makes complete and total sense.
However, when the rest is attached, it degrades into crap, because when attached, it makes no sense at all.
Was the previous chapters just nonsense she was dreaming about? If so, that makes sense. But then why was the author so defensive and such? What is this even doing in the X-Men Evolution if its all in Cooper’s head? And what about the poll they used to have on their profile about ‘who should Carlie end up with’ or something of the like?
Either way, I’m not too sure which way this story will go. Will it end here? Will it continue to make no sense at all as each chapter becomes weirder and weirder? Will Carlie and her best pineapples continue to pick on Rogue?
One thing’s good though. No more digs at Emotionally fragile actresses or racial degradation of a non-mainstream faith.
Also, one thing to note which recently came to my attention. This story has been added to TV tropes So Bad Its Horrible list of fanfictions, with my blog linked as an MST. Funny, ain’t it? With this latest chapter, if you’re lucky it may be removed, if the plot continues this road to everything previously being her dreams. In which case, this should be moved to the comics section. If this was just a weird BLAM chapter, then it should stay there. If its the former, I recommend editing your previous chapters to make it clear that its just Carlie’s imagination. If its the latter, I recommend you stop, take down the story, and re-upload this single chapter as its own Spider-Man story.
I’m the Fic Critic, because somebody had to say it.
| The Fic Critic chapter 4 . 10/27/2011
Hi, remember me? Well, I hope you’ve gotten better, but we won’t know until I read this.
Disclaimer: Marvel owns all characters and settings.
(Again? I’m not going to even comment.)
Stark white walls jutted up from the sterile floor, continuing endlessly, every turn around the corner bringing the same rat's maze of barren corridors. The bleak emptiness of the halls, devoid of any sentiment or decoration, was suggestive of the Arctic tundra: a cold, desolate place where one risked death upon entering.
(Once again, you’re actually pretty good at descriptions.)
The solitary beat of the man's footsteps resounded off the blank walls as he proceeded through the heart of the central Department K building. Numerous security measures had already ascertained that he was personnel, a scientist, authorized to come and go from the government research base as his procedures demanded.
(Department K, didn’t Logan work for them in the comics at one point?)
He rounded another corner, and this time gray, metal double doors waited for him at the end of the hall. The knowledge that his destination was in view brought a compound of dread and relief, though both were muted inklings of feeling rather than actual emotions. Upon arriving the door, a grimace twisted his mouth as his fingers clenched over the stainless steel handle, but instead of deliberating in the midst of motion, he drew the door open and continued into the next room.
"Heather," the scientist called immediately, even before he had fully entered the room. His tone was louder than usual: he knew the various scientific equipment monitoring tests would stifle his voice.
The heavy door slammed shut behind him, but his ears barely registered the sound. Instead, all of his attention was focused on the sight before him.
This laboratory consisted of a single capacious room. He stood in the front of the chamber, at the beginning of a path that led through the numerous counters; some of the surfaces were occupied by beakers and test tubes filled with chemicals, others contained assorted components of electronic paraphernalia. Toward the back of the room were two sections much more organized: one with several sleek, modern computers and additional technology. The other appeared to be a medical area, the counter lined with transparent jars of gauze pads, adhesive tape, and peroxide swabs; cabinets stretched out above, and a wide cot had been pushed back into the far right corner, a large potted fern placed conspicuously nearby.
(Way too much description here. Just say a capacious room with multiple counters, holding different types of equipment. Its very simple.)
On his right was a moderate set of wide steps, the stairs leading to loft-like area where more scientific equipment waited. But what drew the scientist's gaze were the people positioned only a few yards away from him at the bottom of the stairs.
A young man and a young woman stood side by side, still as statues; they didn't so much as blink. Both appeared to be in their mid-teens, though their age was incredibly difficult to discern.
At first glance, they were both astonishingly beautiful. Gleaming blue eyes surrounded by long dark lashes, in turn framed by upswept, elegant eyebrows, all set above finely sculpted cheekbones. Winter pale skin unblemished by any sort of scar accentuated perfectly symmetrical, alluring faces, complemented by sleek black hair. Athletic builds, too: whipcord thin bodies accompanied by lean, tough muscles, wiry but strong.
The two were strikingly gorgeous, positively stunning.
They were also astoundingly similar to one in terms of physical characteristics, the only noticeable difference being their genders and the girl's long, loose hair that extended midway down her back. Obviously, they were twins.
(More beautiful people huh?)
However, as the scientist gazed upon them, their attractive traits morphed into uncanny perfection, a candle melting before the heat of a flame. Their eyes were so distinctly bright that it seemed impossible the two weren't using illicit substances, and they stared fixedly into the empty space in front of them. Their eyelashes were much too full and dark to be natural and simply rendered their intense eyes all the more disquieting. Their skin was so pale it was virtually cadaverous and created a jarring contrast with their dark hair.
With their flawless features, too beautiful, too artificial to be real, this combination of peculiarities created a rather eerie effect upon their visages, as if simply surrounded by an aura of dissonance. After first glance, the pair was quite unsettling: their appearances became surreal to the point of unearthliness.
(Walter? As in Walter ‘Sasquatch’ Langkowski? Does that make ‘Heather’ Heather Hudson? Or the two twins Northstar and his sister who’s name currently escapes me?)
The scientist raised his eyes from the twins to the figure standing upon the platform. Setting his mouth into a determined line, he passed within a few feet of the uncanny pair as he moved swiftly up the stairs.
"Heather," he replied evenly as he reached the zenith of the staircase.
Heather MacNeil (Oh, so before she married James Hudson then huh?) was not an unattractive woman even though she lacked the soft, feminine appeal typically associated with her gender. Her demeanor was brusque, aloof, and unapologetically superior. She was tall, almost six feet in height and thin rather than svelte. Her facial features were angular, like those of a fox, and her long, straight, bronze-colored hair fell over the shoulders of her white lab coat, pinned back to keep it from hindering her vision.
(Oh, so she’s not as attractive as the others, since you didn’t say beautiful over and over again.)
"Have you come to visit my latest project?" She asked with a sharp smile when she turned from the monitors she was observing to face him. The fluorescent lights glinted off the lenses of her wire-framed glasses, the glare obscuring her eyes for several moments.
The scientist, Walter, didn't move from the summit of the staircase. "Not quite," he replied. "Director Colcord has requested a meeting with both of us to discuss the progress of our research."
"Is that so." She didn't phrase the words as a question and leisurely moved a few paces away to some other piece equipment that stood on strong metal legs, this one very large, almost seven feet long and four feet wide. Though Walter couldn't see what the apparatus contained from his angle, he could hear quiet but steady beep emanating from this rectangular, box-like structure.
Walter frowned as he recognized the sound. "Good God, Heather, is that a heart monitor?"
A smug smile was the only response he received.
(Wait, wasn’t Heather the nice one from Alpha Flight?)
Walter rushed forward so he could see the contents of the device for himself and practically reeled back in shock at what he saw.
Inside laid a young woman, enclosed by a thick sheet of transparent fiberglass. The design of the apparatus and the manner in which the girl laid on her back was reminiscent of a corpse situated in a coffin during a wake.
Stomach rolling in a sudden wave of nausea, Walter turn to Heather, who was watching him expectantly from a countertop away. "What the hell is this?" He demanded, a blend of horror, anger, and disgust filling his tone.
"An integral part of my research," Heather informed him, unperturbed. She briskly walked over to join him where he stood, gazing down at the tubes and scalp electrodes attached to the woman.
"Human experimentation, Heather?" Walter's hands clenched into white-knuckled fists.
"Hardly," Heather replied glibly. "She's a mutant."
(Like the both of you. Since, you know, you’re the mutants Sasquatch and Guardian/Vindicator/whichever one of the two names you’re using since you kept swapping with your Hubby.)
Walter stared at her, too angry to properly speak.
"Before we brought her here, she was living in New York City," Heather explained. "Her mutation is certainly of the unusual variety. When she was found, she had been influencing the mentality of a man in New York City, a Mr. Peter Parker. She had him convinced that they were in a romantic relationship together and that he was in love with her. Curiously, her influence expanded from Parker to soon include Parker's family, then his closest friends, and then his enemies, the idea that she and Parker were in a perfect, fairy-tale romance growing stronger all the while."
"What's her name?" Walter asked warily.
Heather waved a hand dismissively. "Her real name? I have no idea. In New York City, she went by the ludicrous alias 'Carlie Cooper,' but we haven't been able to find any record that such a person actually existed."
(I KNEW IT! I knew her power was to mess with people’s minds!)
"And how did you manage to aquire a mutant for experimentation?" Walter challenged.
"That's quite an odd story," Heather said smoothly. "While influencing Parker and his family, et cetera, she persuaded them that she had been childhood best friends with Gwendolyn Stacy, a woman who was close to earlier in his life Parker and murdered by the Green Goblin when he took her hostage. However, Cooper seems to have begun to believe her own illusions at some point and tried to murder Norman Osborn for revenge."
(EXACTLY! This answers every single plot hole and head banger with Spider-Man. Wait, this chapter has been, good? Weird.)
Walter blinked. "The president of OsCorp?"
"The one and the same." Heather responded calmly. "Apparently she thought that he was the Green Goblin. The entire situation was very strange. When Cooper was arrested by the New York City Police Department, she tried to use her abilities to convince the police that she was a crime scene investigator for superhuman incidents. But because of the lack of time for her influence to spread, one of my contacts was able to notify me, a
| xBlue-Rosex chapter 1 . 10/25/2011
Your character is indeed a Mary Sue. That is about all I'm going to say about this story. I apologize but I have no constructive criticism to give you, and even if I did I doubt you'd do anything with it.
To The Fic Critic: Props to you for trying to help this poor soul out. They really need it, and I hope they take your advise.
Also if you were wanting more stories to critique I have a few oc stories I've started that could probably use a little help. One in particular that I've just started; Tug A War.
I have yet to finish or edit the second chapter but if you could critique the first that would be great. I haven't edited it much yet though, so there will be some grammar mistakes.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Once again I apologize to the writer of this story.
| Tigereye13 chapter 4 . 10/25/2011
The knowledge that his destination was in view brought a compound of dread and relief, though both were muted inklings of feeling rather than actual emotions. (What? What? What? Feelings and emotions are synonyms for each other. Dread and releif are types emotions! You can't say that he had an emotion and then say he didn't have an emotion. Yes, emotions are fleeting and tend to be extremes but if you feel the emotion and you had an emotion!)
You do know that Fraternal twins, what you have in this story, look about as much alike as any siblings would? I know comics, books, TV shows, and movies do this all the time making fraternal twins like exactly alike but that isn't how it is like in the real world. X-Men Evolution knew this, just look at Wanda and Pietro! Also, they are Fraternal Twins because they are brother and sister. Fraternal Twins come from different eggs, but are conceived at the same time.
"Obviously, they were twins." (Weird me and my older sister, who are nineteen months apart by the way, kept being asked if we were twins as we were growing up. Must not be that obvious if people couldn't tell that we weren't. Siblings have noticeable differences between them, especially brother and sister! Not just hair length. Oh, since I have short hair that makes me a guy right? And the guys that I've seen with long hair are really female? Because how they are being told apart, their hair length, implies that statement.)
"Currently, she is sedated, just enough to keep her in the R.E.M. cycle. (I'm sorry to burst your bubble but according to all of my psychology classes thus far, being sedated does not get you into the REM sleep cycle.)
Unethical CREEP! This person would never be able to get away with this! Oh did you know, everyone has slight mutations so saying their a mutant thus that makes it right wouldn't hold up against an ethic board. Yes, I know X-Men are extreme mutants but how is she going to prove this and not get thrown in jail! Also, were are the twins parents/guardians? Did this person kidnap two teenagers and no one has notice?
Oh, by the way, what in the freaking world just happened? Were the previous chapters just Carlie Cooper's dreams? Is this a past event? What? Explain! Last I knew, Lance was asking Carlie out and now this? I'm confused.
Oh, I know I've said this before but I will say it again: THIS IS A CROSSOVER AND SHOULD BE UNDER CROSSOVERS! I AM AN X-MEN EVOLUTION FAN! Please, put this as a crossover. If you don't know how to do this, then please send me a PM. I can help you.
Your great at describing the scenery. But I'm confused? Who is Norman Osborn? Was he the guy in charge of the newspaper company or something else? Who is this Walter guy? How about Heather? Are they OCs? Are they from Spiderman? I'm assuming Spiderman since they never appeared in X-Men Evolution.
| paycheckgurl chapter 1 . 10/8/2011
Okay, first off your defintion of a Mary Sue is inaccurate, look it up on TVtropes and then re-examine your story. The term is much boarder and fairly flexiable-but it can be used to describe any character whom the story revolves around and is seemingly without any real flaws. It can even be applied to canonical characters. The canon version of Carlie is often called out for having Mary Sue-like traits. Sadly your version takes it up a notch (a feat I thought to be impossible).
Now I must ask, why? Why would you take Carlie Cooper, one of the single most hated characters in the Spider-Man comics ever (yes that includes everyone associated with the clone saga) and write a fic where she is all powerful? Is this some sort of stealthy trolling thing that I'm not finding the humor in? Are you Dan Slott or Joe Quesada in disguise attempting to convice us all that Carlie is really awesome and we should all love her? I would go on a rant about making characters you don't like mean and vindictive (and Satanist?), and thus out of character-but the simple fact this story TURNED CARLIE COOPER INTO EVEN MORE OF A MARY SUE THAN SHE IS IN CANON is still something I'm trying to wrap my mind around.
PS speaking of TVtropes this story has a well deserved spot on the So Bad it's Horrible Page. Congrats.
| The Fic Critic chapter 3 . 10/3/2011
"He's right," Lance agreed, sending an impressed look her way. "You know, I've had some great times with my mate Pietro, but now I'd like to give you a try. Tell me something: would someone as talented as you be inclined to join me for dinner on the town and a movie at the cinema this evening?"
(So, he often asks Pietro to dinner and movies? Gay.)
"Oh, my gosh, Carlie, he's asking you out!" Kitty whispered. "What are you going to do?"
"Lance, I-" Carlie started to speak, but she was interrupted when a loud explosion sounded from beyond a grove of trees!
(An exclamation point in a description. That is a sign of bad writing. Exclamations are to be used for... you know what, I don’t care, that’s nitpicking.)
Ok, my opinion.
It’s actually lost the point from last time, but gained more for being so bad, its actually making me laugh.
Rogue isn’t being portrayed as negatively. She’s actually fairly sympathetic. However, everyone else appears to be bullying her. Yes, this is the message she’s sending out. Kids, if you see a quiet and snarky goth girl who believes in a strange religion, make her life hell to the point she becomes really mean spirited is A-O-K! And calling them a loser because of their faith is a nice thing to do!
You’re using a mix of old timey slang and occasional British terms. Note, only some of it is British, as a Brit myself, I can assure you that only a few terms are British. Many of them haven’t been used for hundreds of years. And by mixing them with a few British terms adds to the stereotype. So quit it. I may have to make a British Abridged version of this story to show how to do real British dialog.
This is getting so bad it might be a troll fic. Which would explain a lot, but raise the question on why you were so defensive previously. Trolls write to get flames. So why be annoyed when you get them.
At least you stopped insulting emotionally fragile actresses. Thought it’s only a matter of time before you take a few swings at the Goth subculture. If I see one comment directed at Voltaire I swear I’m gonna freak out.
So, where’s Logan and his justified Paranoia? After all, he was really close to Rogue, you’d think he’d be annoyed at a Nazi Terrorist bullying her like this.
I am The Fic Critic, Because someone had to say it.
| The Fic Critic chapter 3 . 10/3/2011
Hey! It’s me! Haven’t seen you in a while! So, how you doing? Well, lets look at this.
Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Marvel Comics, including Carlie Cooper. No profit was/is/ will be gained from this page.
(A third one? You don’t need one every chapter. Once on your profile is enough. Marvel isn’t going to track down fanfiction authors who forget to desclaim and take their stuff down. All but Joey Que have a life)
Author Disclaimer: No events, interactions, or verbal exchanges represent the opinions of Artemis's Liege in any way.
(Oh you are ****ing kidding me.)
As anger welled in the pit of her stomach, Carlie locked her unique wisteria blue gaze onto Rouge's. "Why did you trip me?"
(Nothing is unique about blue eyes. Its the most common eye colour.)
Disgust crossed over Rouge's features. "What are you talking about?"
(Yeah, what? She can’t prove Rogue tripped her.)
"You just tripped me down the steps," Carlie informed her coldly. "What's your problem with me?"
Rouge rolled her eyes. "Other than that you're right up annoying? You see, Scott likes you. And I want him to like me. I can't let you get too close to him."
(That was just terribly written.)
Carlie narrowed her eyes. "So what? You're trying to force me out of the picture so you can have himself all to yourself?"
"Looks that way, doesn't it?" Rouge replied, her tone sarky (snarky), and eyes sparking with malice.
"Well, that won't work," Carlie told her. "There's no way a good fellow like Scott would ever want a pathetic bint like you, not even if you blagged him into it."
"Shut up," Rouge hissed. "You don't know anything."
"I know that you're trying to be so goth and dark and evil by being a Satanist," Carlie said, her distinctive blue eyes blazing. "Seriously, A Satanist? You are such a loser."
(Wow, Carlie’s such a bitch. Calling someone a loser for their religion? As I said, Satanism is just a religion. Be glad I haven’t decided to flame you for the goth comment. As a Goth myself, I have to say you’re pushing it)
"If you say one more word, I'm going to turn you into brown bread," Rouge threatened.
"Why don't you have a go at it?" Carlie's heart was pounding. Whilst she had battled various petty thieves and several supervillains, Coldheart, Freak, Cyclone, and the Green Goblin amongst them, she had never brawled with a classmate before. But if she could take down terrorists, then she could deal with a jealous goth.
(You don’t know that. She’s an X-Man, and the most badass of them (Seriously, Rogue is considered the most badass of the X-ladies, and one of the biggest complaints about the films was her not being so) and can have your power. She would totally win.)
But before she could blink, Rouge had rushed toward her, and slammed her fist into Carlie's mouth. The impact and sudden pain sent Carlie stumbling backwards, and she pressed her hand against her lips as the metallic taste of blood trickled over her tongue.
(Go Rogue! Yay!)
An angry male voice broke the silence, and Rouge's smug smirk faded slightly as Scott, followed by Jean, Kitty, Lance and Pietro, sprinted towards them.
Lance was wearing a white button-down shirt with vertical grey stripes, a black leather jacket, faded, dark classic-style jeans, and suedette lace-up shoes, and wore the clothes well.
Pietro looked very handsome himself in a grey, lightweight cotton hoodie decourated with an ivory Fair Isle print and welt pockets, with a heather blue V-neck T-Shirt underneath. He also wore black jeans and steel blue gutties.
Though more casual, Scott's outfit was quite suave as well. He had a burgundy, plaid, vintage button-down shirt open a black Abercrombie T-Shirt, dark jeans, a belt of burnished brown leather, and classic, dark green lace-up plimsoles.
(Not as gay but still kind of gay)
Jean was very stylish in a strappy, white lacy minidress, with a long, V-Neck wine-coloured cardigan with a family crest patch embroidered on the front pocket that she wore open over the dress. She also had a black leather belt with a dark blue chiffon flower embellished over the buckle, and leather sandals with thin, braided straps. Her long red hair was loose and flowed over her shoulders.
(Is this a super hero fanfic or a fashion show!)
Kitty's outfit was twee: a powder blue, vintage button-down shirt under a pink cashmere cardigan trimmed with delicate lace at the neck and buttons, and the cuffs of both shirts were rolled to her elbows. A tiered, lacy, ruffled white miniskirt, a leather belt with a lilac floral pattern, and a pair of beaded, white leather sandals completed her outfit. She had styled her hair so two thin braids formed a circlet around her scalp.
(Did anyone think Kitty’s clothes sound kind of slutty for her?)
"What do you think you're doing, Rouge?" Kitty demanded, getting all up in Rouge's face.
(What? Why? She had it coming. Carlie was calling her a loser and said she wanted to fight.)
Scott grabbed the Satanist by the shoulders and began shaking her roughly. "How could you do that to Carlie?"
"Because I think she's a slapper," Rouge growled, glaring daggers at Scott.
(See, completely justified. She IS a slapper.)
Pietro approached Carlie, and spoke gently. "Are you are all right, Carlie? Would you care for some char? Or should I get Ms. Munroe to check you out? She's a certified doctor, you know."
(Er, no she’s not. Storm’s just the team mom. Hank is the doctor. Stormy grew up in Africa and came to the states to live homelessly until Xavier found her. She never HAD TIME to become a certified doctor. That stuff tates a decade to study, you don’t get into med school until your 23 after spending every year since high school in college and then you don’t get an internship until you’re 27ish. Why do you think JD turned thirty despite looking about 25?)
"Yeah," Lance added, nudging Pietro away. "We could get the Professor and tell him what Rouge did. She would get into a lot of trouble. She might even get sent to Coventry, and then none of us would have to deal with her whinging anymore."
(Lance, you tried to start a riot when a girl turned you down. If anyone should be punished for whining, its you bro.)
Carlie hesitated. She didn't like the other girl, and the Satanist had tried to harm her, but was this right thing to do? "No," she decided.
(See, that’s a Mary Sue reaction)
Everyone looked surprised.
"Are you sure, Carlie?" Kitty asked. "Rouge's dropped a clanger here, and we were all, totally, witnesses. The Professor would never, like, believe Rogue over us."
"I want to finish our punch-up," Carlie said, meeting Rouge's eyes. "Then, I'll prove that I'm not one to be messed with."
"Like that's going to happen." Rouge smirked. "I hope that you have a plastic surgeon on call, because when I'm done with you, that pretty face is going to look like raw hamburger meat."
"How dare you say something like that to her!" Pietro punched Rouge in the face. The Satanist, cruel, but wily, grabbed his bare hand and held the appendage against the skin of her cheek, and Pietro wavered.
(Wait, he punched her in the face? WTF. WHAT THE F*K! ? Dude, Pietro’s a dude, and Rogue, while bit of a tomboy, isn’t. Under no circumstances should a dude punch a girl in the face unless she just hit them first. If they’re your sister, hitting the arm is ok, but anything else is wrong)
"What's she doing?" Carlie asked Lance frantically.
"With her mutation, she can drain away people's memories, thoughts, and abilities," Lance explained. "She's going to use Pietro's mutation as her own. Rouge! Stop!"
(Didn’t Jean explain this last time?)
Pietro collapsed, and Rouge tossed aside his unconscious body as if he were nothing more than a rag doll. A crazed light glinted in her eyes.
"You can do this, Carlie," Lance encouraged. "Show that toffee-nosed goth swot what you're made of!"
(Goth swot? What kind of slang is this? It sounds old timey.)
Rouge charged at her faster than the speed of sound, but thanks to Carlie's spider-sense, she could tell where Rouge was going to be. With her enhanced strength, she let her fist fly into Rouge's face several times, careful to keep her punches quick and rapid, lest she allow Rouge to touch her skin for too long. Soon, Rouge fell to the ground, barely able to wheeze for breath because of Carlie's tonks.
(God, brutal. You had super strength. One hit was more than enough. Wait, Spidey has a healing factor (Pietro sorta too) and she has Spidey powers, Rogue touched her skin when she punched her. She would also gain her skills. Rogue’s badassery, plus Spidey powers, plus Speedy powers, equals curb stomp battle on Carlie. She should have lost)
Her friends congratulated her.
(Oh, what loyal pineapples to congratulate her beating on a misfit. Not many would encourage the bullying of another student. Seriously, people are so mean to Rogue. Next Jean will be giving her a wedgie from a flagpole)
"That was jolly good, Carlie!" Kitty said excitedly. "You're better at hand-to-hand combat than any of us!"
(What was that?)
Carlie chuckled. "I'm sure that's not true," she said modestly.
(No, its not. Scott is a cannon badass. Storm is a cannon badass. Kitty is a cannon badass. Lance is a cannon badass. Carlie, is a cannon whiny bitch who thought that a good reaction to being stood up was to get a white supremacy tattoo of the guy who killed her boyfriends first love and her old friend. Yeah, she did that.)
"You were excellent," Pietro said, smiling at her.
Carlie felt a blush begin to flood her cheeks. "Thanks. I've been through a gauntlet, but now I think I'm going to be fine."
(Er, come again?)
Break it up here.
| Tigereye13 chapter 3 . 10/2/2011
OK, not to be mean or anything like that but you do have a Mary Sue. Even if you didn't create her, she has become one.
Think of all the characters being planets each with their own orbit. Sometimes the characters orbits will cross, pull, and push on each other symbolizing their interactions. How they act, personality traits, and what makes them them is their orbit. Now a Mary Sue is a black hole. Disrupting the other character's orbits and making them center around the Mary Sue. A May Sue is only a Mary Sue when they change how the other characters act, hence why everyone is annoyed about how Out of Character everyone has become.
Carlie on her own might not be a Mary Sue but how everyone acting around her makes her one. She has disrupted everyone's natural orbits and is drawing them towards herself. Her orbit can interact with other character's orbits but not change them completely. Jean letting someone take Scott is OOC, Rogue acting this way is OOC, and I think Kitty wouldn't be so thrilled about Lance asking Carlie out since she has dated Lance and might have some old feelings for him. And since when does everyone hate Rogue? I know that Jean and Rogue weren't the best of friends but they respected each other. They trusted each other.
Also, I'm an X-Men Evolution fan! How am I supposed to know where Carlie comes from? If she's from the Spider-Man world then make this a crossover. Since otherwise I will assume that Carlie is an OC of yours. Chapter One's Author Note seemed to imply that she was an OC.
I get the first Disclaimer but the second one is odd. How can this not represent your opinions? Was your account hacked? Your letting a friend use your account? Is this some sort of challenge? I know when I write a story it's because that's what I want to write. How are the 'events, interactions, or verbal exchanges' anything but your own?
| The Lady Cloudy chapter 3 . 10/2/2011
Dear Artemis's Liege,
I ask you to please listen to the very helpful advice that everyone who reviews this story is giving you. Muse of Storytelling, silverstarofquebec, Night Fiction, captainawesomeamazingpants, The Fic Critic, Tigereye13, StormyNightengale, and I are all trying to help you. So please try to follow our advice.
Carlie is a Mary Sue and if she's from the Spider Man fandom then this should be listed as a Spider Man & X-Men: Evolution crossover. Nowhere is Rogue even hinted at being a satanist. Not in the comics, not in the 1990s show, and not in XME. Please stop using this story as a way to show your own dislike for Rogue. Everyone is way OOC. Please try to make your OC less of a sue.
| Muse of Storytelling chapter 3 . 10/2/2011
I have two things to say. One, I don't think this is written by the person who was Artemis's Liege. I mean on your profile is says under Hate X-men Evolution pairings ( and I quote) "Scott/anyone besides Rogue, Jean" and you had Jean basically give Scott away (which is wrong in many ways other than this. Also you seem to like Rogue in "you're" other fics, and they are Rogue-centric. Two, whoever you are, Carlie is a Mary-Sue. That is a BAD THING. I could go into more detail, but The Fic Critic took care of that. On a positive note, you are a quite exceptional writer and very good at describing things.
Oh, I also wanted to say something to The Fic Critic. You are awesome. I think that what you are doing is great and that you feedback is a great critical analysis of fanfiction. I defiantly putting you blog into my favorites.
| silverstarsofquebec chapter 3 . 10/2/2011
Okay, what's going on here? Rogue was real angsty and kinda hated people, but I mean, come on. It's Rogue. She doesn't trip people, and she DEFININTELY wasn't a satanist.
Is this like an AU or something? The writing itself is okay and actually pretty good, but you're really screwing up the characters. Everyone's OOC, and even if Carlie isn't your own character, you're making her a HUGE Mary-Sue. Rogue isn't a straight-up bitch. The thing that pretty much makes Jean who she is is her ability to see past people's exteriors and try to be as nice as possible to them, and you just ripped that away from her. And in every single X-Men universe, she and Scott are together. No questions asked, unless Emma Frost's involved, and even then, they're still semi-together.
I have to ask this though: Why the hell are they getting British accents? Why on this earth is Kitty saying "jolly good"? That is not Kitty. That never will be Kitty.
Everything in this is so screwed up. Brotherhood's nice and not trying to kill the X-Men, in fact, they're living together, and the X-Men all hate Rogue when in the show they were all trying to recruit her and befriend her, and WTH did you make Rogue a satanist? That bugs me even more than Jean, and that's saying something, because I really want to smack Jean.
This is an AU. I'm done reading this fic. Please do something about your characters. Sorry if I just flamed you really bad. I just wanted to let it be known that you really need to tell us if this isn't actually based on X-Men: Evolution. And fix your Sue. People don't like them because they're overpowered. They're godawful things that no one can relate to because whether it's real life or a story, no one's perfect, no one is liked by everyone, and no one needs an entire paragraph describing themselves, right down to their perfume. I mean, that's just narcissism right there.
That's it. I'm done.
| Night Fiction chapter 2 . 10/2/2011
I admit I actually tired to not throw up when I read this, but luckily I didn't.
WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ROGUE TRIP HER?
Sure, I admit Rogue is a deadpan snarker, maybe even the snark knight, but dear lord, 'TRIPPING'?
How Rogue would waste her time on a drop dead retard like 'Carlie' is beyond me.
| Night Fiction chapter 1 . 9/28/2011
No, honey, a Mary Sue is an overpowered, self insert, non original, goody goody perfect character that everyone seems to love for no reason.
You fail, try again. :D