|Reviews for Web of Shadows|
| Night Fiction chapter 1 . 9/28/2011
No, honey, a Mary Sue is an overpowered, self insert, non original, goody goody perfect character that everyone seems to love for no reason.
You fail, try again. :D
| Souljacker chapter 1 . 9/24/2011
Lord almighty this is bad. A complete and utter Mary-Sue. In your opinion you think she is not a Mary-Sue but when you're a writer it doesn't really matter what you think as your storys are for the entertainment of the reader. I am appalled that this is even considered writing and heres why..
-YOUR CHARECTOR IS A MARY-SURE! Good lord,Carlie is beautiful, carlie is smart, carlie is this, carlie is that. It took you a looong paragraph to discribe what she was wearing right down to her perfume. Thats completely pointless. As bitchy as Rogue is acting it looks like shes the only smart person in this story!
- All the charectors were ooc. Every single one. Jeans a prostitute/harpy, Rogues a satinist bitch, Charles is a perverted prick, Logan is a paranoid shizoid, and the brotherhood guys are acting nice and polite. (WTF?)
-The charector bashing is stupid. Everyone has one or two chartores that they really don't like but it's your responsibility as a writer to write them at least how they're portrayed in the TV show!
-Your charector is NOT an OC! She's from Spider Man and claiming she is YOUR original Charector is against copyright policy! YOU CANNOT CLAIM SHE IS YOURS! Thats just as bad as claiming Jean, or Scott, or Rogue is yours! Do you want to get sued?
-Jean just giving up scott? WHAT. THE. HELL? At the end of the series they are together. In all of the X-Men franchises they are together (Well in the comics Scott is with Emma Frost too..) Have you even seen the TV show? EVER? Jean would not just say "OH Scott? He's just the love of my life you can have him!" It does not work like that girly.
On that not this review is over and I am going to go read something worth my time and effort. I strongly suggest deleting this peice of crap you claim is a fanfic.
Keep Writing...or not..
| Kii chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
well, this should end well (note slight sarcasm)
| Kii chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
well, this should end well (note slight sarcasm)
| The Fic Critic chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
Ok, my opinion now:
You gained a point by showing you have a considerable amount of knowledge about the comics and had tricked us into thinking she was an OC when actually she was a comic character. However, you then loose two points because you became worse. Every flaw in the last one has either gotten worse or flat out treated like its a positive aspect.
Jean, its weird, you’re making her really unsympathetic like everyone else, but you’re acting like its a good thing. God, what is wrong with you?
Carlie, of all the characters to use, why the character everyone else hates? You know of TV Tropes right, you have a link on your profile. Why would you use someone who is heavily criticised on that site. Or did you read it and decide ‘oh wait, I disagree, I think someone like that is a good idea for a character, I’m going to use them’.
You actually made her more sue-itific than she was in the comics. I think you’ve taken a MS test, and when you noticed a characteristic you haven’t used, you start adding it in. Look, A Mary Sue, is a BAD thing. People HATE Sues. Carlie IS A SUE. God, learn to read.
I’ve came to the conclusion that you in fact, have NEVER, EVER, watched the show. It appears you have merely read a couple of character names and their powers, before going on to write this. Ithas nothing in common with the show. With the exception of Xavier’s telepathy and Carlie’s apparent teleportation ability, or at least that’s what it sounded like, no one has used any powers.
This is not a fanfiction about X-Men Evolution, this is a Fanfic about a character from Spider-Man with the Evolution cast acting as background fodder.
So far, the only two character’s I like are Logan and Rogue. Logan, for being right to suspect her, after all, someone who spends so much time on their clothes and has no tolerance for other religions has to be evil, there’s no other explanation. Rogue, for being a Satanist, far too little characters are alternate religion followers, and for being a suitable viewpoint character right now. What, Are you saying We’re not supposed to support Rogue? Are you saying we’re supposed to agree with Jean and Carlie? No, you have to be pulling my leg. No way is that true.
Lastly, I believer that this is defiantly not your account. The quality and opinions are so drastically different, no way are those stories written by the same person who wrote this. They all seem to be very Rogue centric, so its impossible someone could then right a story like this that misses no chance to bash her.
I leave you now, with words of wisdom: Stop. Ok, I can’t give constructive criticism, all I can give is Mercy Criticism. There’s nothing constructive anyone can do right needs to be destroyed and started again, or heavily revised. I suggest, Placing Pietro and Lance on the right team, using a less annoying character (Or better yet, retool her. Instead of being a Sue, you can write Carlie as a likable, actually relatable character, you could use this to actually be better than Cannon if you tried), and you know, watch the series.
Also, I've set up my blog. Its .com. To those who wish to see the whole review without it being broken up, please do so. I will also start reviewing other stories, so if you have any story in mind that you read and think needs some critique, tell me. Again, I'd set up an account, but my name's already been taken and using a different one is out of the question.
But that's not important, what is, is that, this story needs help. I'm not flaming, and criticising. If you want a flame, I can give you one:
This story burnt my eyes, you should take a razor blade to your wrist.
There, see, thaty's a flame. I'm not a flamer, I'm an honest reviewer who doesn't mind speaking up about a story's problems.
I'm the Fic Critic, Because someone had to say it.
| The Fic Critic chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
"I'm glad he did that," Jean confided. "You're going to love it here, Carlie. And don't worry about being popular because everyone here already loves you. Well, everyone except for Rogue, but don't worry about her. No one likes her anyway."
(Since when? Scott, Kurt, Kitty, Evan, hell, most of the fan base all loved Rogue, since when did everyone hate her.)
"What's wrong with her?" Carlie asked tentatively. "She seems so unfriendly."
"She has a bad attitude," Jean said. "She can't touch anyone because of her mutation, and that makes her unhappy, but I'm glad. This way, she'll never get to have Scott. She's also a Satanist. Have you seen the way she dresses?"
(Since when? She dressed like a goth, not a Satanist. Satanism is a religion, that contrary to popular belief isn’t about devil worshipping or being evil, but about freedom. They agree with Satan’s principal, that God has too many rules and they shouldn’t be followed, they believe we should have the right to sleep around, pig out, drink, drugs, everything that isn’t considered a violent crime but is considered morally wrong. They don’t dress like Goths, in fact, that’s a stereotype that has been holding Goths down since they first started to appear.)
"Being a Satanist is a really bad thing," (No, its not, its just a different religion. You know, the last people who claimed it was wrong to follow a different religion, they were called Terrorists, and they’re still around today, blowing up buildings and being mean. Before them, the group who hated people of different faith were called Nazis. Is that what you are? A Nazi Terrorist? I think Logan is right to be suspicious) Carlie said worriedly. "What if she's recruiting other students?" (Well, what if Kurt is recruiting students to Catholicism? What if Kitty is recruiting them to Judism? Same deal people.)
Jean frowned. "Yeah, that would be awful." She brightened. "You know what? We should figure out how to get her expelled!"
Carlie giggled. "How would we do that?"
"Well, I have a few ideas," Jean replied mischievously.
(Why would Jean want to get her expelled? She liked Rogue, did you watch the show?)
The girls began chatting, and Carlie changed into her pajamas, which drawstring blue and white plaid pants that said, "Aero 1987" down the left leg in yellow lettering, and a matching blue shirt that said, "Aeropostale" across the front in yellow lettering. The best friends talked, laughed, and plotted well into the night.
(Huh, more in depth description of clothing. Wait, did she change with Jean in the room? That’s a little weird considering they just met and already have so many Lesbian vibes. Now they’re getting naked in front of each other? Wait, I want to picture that for a second... Nah, its stupid, they’re cartoon lesbians, it wouldn’t be worth it.)
The next morning, Carlie was awakened by the rays of sunlight streaming through the uncovered windows. After taking a few minutes to rub the sleep from her eyes, she decided to explore the grounds. Glancing over at Jean, who was still asleep, she decided to go alone. She didn't want to wake her new best so early when it had been a late night for both of them, and she needed some time to herself.
(New Best what? Her best Pineapple? Is Jean her new Best Pineapple?)
The first thing she did was comb her hair and style it into a cute, braided fishtail, and added a floral headband. When she was finished, she selected her outfit: a long-sleeved, henley shirt with ivory and mint green stripes over a lacy, ivory camisole, a short, curb chain necklace embellished with a long stem carved rose charm with rhinestone details, small drop earrings that featured a large rose-printed bead in each center and cutout frame with an antique finish, classic, medium denim jeans with a straight leg fit, and a pair of magenta and navy blue plaid Hollister sneakers. Just in case of an early morning chill, she grabbed her white, lightweight, military-inspired jacket with silvertone buttons down both the left and the right side and tied it around her waist. She applied just a few hints of makeup, with a touch of pink lip gloss, and sprayed just a little perfume, "DKNY Be Delicious."
(More description on clothes. I feel like this is a messed up clothing fetish erotica noval.)
Quietly, so not to wake the other occupants of the house, Carlie crept downstairs. As she passed by the living room, she heard voices arguing softly, obviously lowered so not to draw attention to themselves.
"You're my best friend here, Lance. When the Professor found me, you were one of the X-Men who helped stop the Brotherhood of Mutants from abducting me."
(Wait, What? Since when? Oh, this is an AU, well, a few problems with that then. If Pietro and Lance weren’t dicks when first introduced (And in Pietro’s case, got worse from there) than that would mean Kitty and Evan wouldn’t be around. Had Lance not been a thug, he wouldn’t of discovered Kitty had powers or persued her. To which Kitty would continue to bemoan about her powers before offing herself. As For Evan, had Pietro not been robbing him, he would have gone somewhere else other than his school that night, and likely got into a fight and died. SO, your universe and your changes lead to so many problems.)
Carlie frowned. She wasn't certain, but she thought that it was Pietro's voice. He must have been speaking to Lance.
"I remember," Lance's baritone responded. "And I've had some great times with you, 'Tro. (Like, Gay times? I’m sorry, but the two sound like a gay couple right now) But something tells me that Carlie and I are meant to be together."
(But you just met her, and didn’t even strike up a conversation. Lance, its creepy you’re thinking like that about a girl you just met. Very Creepy. No wonder you’re always a rapist in fanfics.)
A gasp escaped from Carlie's lips. She hurriedly clapped a hand over her mouth, thinking of how embarrassing it would be to be caught eavesdropping when she was the topic of conversation. But her mind raced. Did Lance really feel that way about her?
(If he does, than get Pepper spray, a taser, and a gun-Oh right, you have Spidey powers. Good luck fighting him off then.)
"I'd let you have her, Lance," Pietro replied. "But I don't think that I'd ever be able to get over Carlie. She's wonderful. With her at my side, I could take down the entire Brotherhood."
(Take down the Brotherhood. I’m sorry, but Pietro, you were the worst of them! Each one had a redeeming characteristic except you. You were, by all means of description, a Sociopath. You were rotten to the core. Unless, you’re planning to take them down because they aren’t evil enough for you. Is that it?)
A soft blush blossomed over Carlie's cheeks. Both these boys were admitting to each other that they were attracted to her. It hard to believe that she could ever inspire such passionate feelings in someone else. (Not passionate, disturbing. Call George Stacy up, you’ll need the cops to help you here.) Her face grew warmer as she continued to listen to their conversation, so she walked past the room and exited through the front door as quietly as she could. A sigh of relief escaped her lips as she twisted the knob and pushed it open, and no alarms rang throughout the halls. She walked out onto the wide, bare porch, enclosed by sculpted, wide stone pillars that supported the building, and made her way to the broad stone steps. She continued down the first one, when she suddenly tripped over an object and tumbled down the remaining steps to the ground.
(Is she dead? I hope so.)
She lay there, sprawled for a moment, catching her breath, then stood to find Rogue sitting and leaning against the base of the nearest pillar, wearing a goth outfit, her long legs stretched out in front of her. The girl scowled down at Carlie, her icy green eyes glaring menacingly as her lip curled. She said nothing.
(Wow, that was cool of Rogue, she just did everything I wanted to do right now. You know, her being a Satanist who does everything I want to right now, that’s actually pretty cool. I like your Rogue, she’s probably the only likable character so far.)
Trembling with anger and anticipation, Carlie stood her ground. This "Rogue" was malicious; she had just deliberately tripped her! Every word Jean had said was true. Preparing for a fight, Carlie steeled herself to confront the other girl.
(Wait, you have super strength. And Rogue has a normal strength level. You realize that, even if to you she had it coming, you’re going to be beating down on a girl you easily outmatch. That makes you the badguy here.)
Huh, need to break it up again, too long.
| The Fic Critic chapter 2 . 9/10/2011
Hello, me again, since you were gutsy enough to shoot down my advice, I might as well review this chapter, and any future ones, until you realize that listening to criticism is actually helpful for your writing. Before Ibegin, a quick message to Cloudy: thank you for realizing that my intentions are good, and thank you for complimenting my style, I was inspired by the Nostalgia Critic and his friends. I wanted to review comics, but Linkara beat me to it, so instead I’m reviewing fan fiction. I would make an account, but the name is unfortunately already taken. There’s also another critic out there who does fanfiction, but I’m sure we can both exist. Also, one thing to point out, my name is The Fic CRITIC, not chick, I’m a guy. Don’t worry, easy mistake, most people assume Fanfiction readers are girls, its probably why my interests are so different than others. Anyway, to the review:
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, settings, and other plot elements belong to Marvel. I do not gain any profit from this page.
(Didn’t you do that in the last chapter? And on your profile? You know, you only have to say it once. Marvel isn’t going to come down and have your story taken down if you forget to include them)
Review response: The Fic Critic
(Hey, that’s me!)
Story Title: I devised the title on my own. I didn't name it after anything.
(Oh, so no symbiote invasion then, huh? Well, why use a name already taken by a Spider-Man game? You must have heard of it, it was relitivly popular amongst fans and critics called it the best Spidey game so far. You seem to be a web head fan, why wouldn’t you know of that game?)
About "panelled" vs. "paneled": actually, I checked out Webster's Dictionary website, and both seem to be acceptable. So I guess that it's just a personal preference.
(Huh, not according to Microsoft word, a single ‘l’ would be autocorrected into panelled.)
"Freaky Friday": That movie disgusted me. The character "Anna" was presented as hysterical, bratty, unreasonable, sullen, and barely likable, and yet, she was supposed to be a realistic teenage girl. While it's true that ALL teenagers, male or female, have their bad days, none that I know as a whiny and selfish as Anna was. Frankly, I felt quite insulted by her depiction; she wasn't even a real character, just a living bundle of teenage stereotypes.
(I never said it wasn’t bad, but not the worst. In fact, your criticism about that film is funny, when you yourself are using nothing but terribly out of character versions of the cast, and a main character who is nothing but a plain and boring plot device.)
Linsay Lohan: Yes, what her parents did to her was horrible and sad. But everyone has issues with their parents. Some issues are more extreme, some issues less. However, she's twenty-five now, and can't always be blaming someone else for her problems. At this point she needs to start taking responsibility for herself. She's been arrested for two DUIs, has been in and out of rehab for drugs and alcohol, and was caught shoplifting a necklace from a jewelry store. I will concede that she helped the British Red Cross in the aftermath of the Haiti earthquake.
(She never blamed her parents, in fact, its why its so sad. She’s gotten drunk and taken drugs because what they did is just inhuman. Its the same as anyone who takes drugs: They have problems, its not their fault, the world can be cruel, and it forces some into drugs and desperation. Calling her a Crackhead is insensitive and just plain mean. The world isn’t black and white, and until you realize that, you don’t really have the right to complain about someone else’s problems.)
My fics: "Its weird, I've looked at the profile page, and is all of your stories this bad." Could you let me know which of my stories you consider "bad," and inform me why? I welcome constructive criticism, just not flames.
(Well, I actually did read some, and they weren’t bad. Not my cup of pepsi, but not bad. Its why I can’t seem to get how you can write all those stories, and then write this and not realize all the mystakes you’re making.)
On with the story.
With graceful ease, Carlie nimbly dropped from the ceiling, flipping in midair so she fluidly landed on her feet, as Jean stared at her, astounded.
"But . . . how?" That was all Jean could manage to say.
(The same way Kurt can do it? He can climb walls too, remember. He did it in the first episode.)
A somber look crossed Carlie's lovely face. "I should probably tell you everything. Well, when I was very young, my mother died, and my father had to raise me by himself. He was a police officer, and I always helped him with his cases, but one day he was killed in the line of duty."
(Wait, that sounds familiar. How can you help a cop in his cases if you’re just a kid? Did you go around with a talking dog and a high tech skateboard while beating baddies and letting him take the credit?)
"Oh, Carlie!" Jean rushed forward to embrace her best friend. (Wait, Best Friend? They just met. That’s a little too soon. What about Scott, if the two aren’t dating they must be best friends.) "That's so terrible! You must be very strong to live through that."
(Er, no, anyone can live through grief. Many people loose loved ones, to cope with it, its not a matter of strength, its a matter of time)
Carlie gave her a melancholy smile. "It's all right. I learned to cope with it. After a while, you adjust to stuff like that. Anyway, after my dad passed away, the family of my best friend, Gwen Stacy, adopted me. I lived with them happily for several years. But then, about a year ago . . . my mutation surfaced. I don't even know why it took the form that it did. But I didn't tell anyone about it, not even Gwen. But I wanted to follow Spider-Man's example, so I began fighting crime in my spare time. Then, one day when I was supposed to meet Gwen in the park, the Green Goblin appeared suddenly and started wreaking havoc.
(Gwen? Gobby? So you must know something about Spider-Man. Wait, Carlie, Spider-Man, I wonder...)
"I had no choice but to don my Spider-Girl costume and try to subdue him. There was no one else around, so we weren't endangering anyone. I was close to figuring out his secret identity, and I had ripped away most of his mask. When Gwen arrived at the park, though, the Goblin took her captive, and threw her off of the George Washington Bridge to distract me. I tried to save her, but. . ." Carlie's exquisite wisteria blue eyes welled with tears, and several ran down the fine, sculpted planes of her cheeks. "I'm not sure, but I think when I caught her by the leg with a string of web, her neck broke from the whiplash. My best friend died, and it's all my fault!" Carlie began to sob.
(Wait, two things are wrong with that. One, It was Spider-Man who failed to save Gwen, you can’t take that away from him, its just wrong. Two, I believe it was the Queensborough bridge, not the GW bridge.)
"No, Carlie!" Jean assured her. "Whatever the result, Gwen's death wasn't your fault! It was the Goblin! You tried to save Gwen!"
Carlie looked up at her, her face tearstained, but nonetheless beautiful. "You think so?"
"I know so," Jean said firmly. "Gwen was lucky to have a friend as wonderful as you."
"When she died, her parents were so stricken with grief that they sent me away because they couldn't bear to be reminded of Gwen every day. (Wait, Gwen’s mom was never there and her dad died before she did. How much research did you do? It was one of the most heart wrenching Spider-Man stories ever.) My birth name was Carlie Cooper, but I chose to take Gwen's surname as a tribute to her," Carlie explained tearfully. "Professor Xavier found me and invited me to learn here at the school."
(Wait, Carlie isn’t an OC, she’s Carlie £&Ing Cooper! How did I not see that? Ok, so, by your definition, she isn’t a Mary Sue, but by professional definition, she’s the worst one ever. To those who don’t know who’re reading this, Carlie Cooper is in fact not an original character, but a character from Spider-Man comics and Peter Parker’s current love interest. What’s that? What happened to MJ? Well, you see, Joe Quesada, EIC at the time, decided Spider-Man was no longer relatable, after all, how could a comic reader be able to relate to someone who’s married to a professional model and actress who has bigger boobies than Katie Price? No, he can only be relatable if he’s a loser who tries to download porn without his aunt knowing. Those are basically Quesada’s words. I kid you not. However, instead of divorce, or just a reboot that changes it so they’re dating or just Sex Buddies, no, he decided to do an anvilicious story that involves Peter selling his Marriage to the Devil Mephisto himself, in exchange for Aunt May’s survival. It was a highly controversial move and considered the biggest screw up in Spidey comics since the Clone Saga. However, to replace MJ as the love interest, they invented a new character, a forensic scientist with a troubled past which Peter could never relate to who would be perfect for him, and named after Joey Que’s Kid. Carlie Cooper was created. However, she’s received little to no approval, and has been constantly criticised for being, you guessed it, a Sue. Funny, Carlie Cooper, Carly Shay, two characters named Carlie/Carly, who’re both heavy sues, imagine that. Anyway, it amazes me that you’d actually use her. Why Not Debra Whitman? Or Gwenny? Or MJ? Or even Felicia, you know, the Spidey girl with Super Powers, depending on the writer at least. Why Cooper, the one that everyone hates? To those unfamiliar, the past she uses here is the same one from the comics, that Peter ‘Every family figure I know dies’ Parker can’t apparently relate to. ’ Parker can’t apparently relate to. Yes, that’s how stupid Marvel’s writers can be.)
Going to break it up there, too many characters to fit it in.
| Tigereye13 chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
I think I'd just point out to you that this is a Mary-Sue. Even in the summary she sounds like a Mary-Sue.
| AceofSpades95 chapter 2 . 9/9/2011
that was a nice chapter oh Rogue and Carlie fight nice can't wait to see what happens next
| Guest chapter 2 . 9/9/2011
Rouge is not a satanist. What do you have against Rouge. And why do lance and pietro suddenly like her?
| The Lady Cloudy chapter 2 . 9/9/2011
I think The Fic Chic gave you some really good advice and I like her reviewing style a lot. You should definately listen to what she told you.
In all honesty, Carlie is terribly Mary-Sue-ish. She's got all the qualities there and I know that you're a better writer than this. Overall you're actually a good writter but the character you've "created" isn't very good. At every chance you get you describe her as a beautiful. She's getting sympathy from every character just because her best friend died. I know losing someone is hard but most people have trouble talking about trauma. Her name is very Mary-Sue-ish. If you'd simply named her "Carly" it wouldn't be a problem but "Carlie" is a problem. Its like you can't spell Carly or Charlie so you combined them, or something.
Carlie makes everyone else act completely OOC. I don't understand why you're making it so everyone hates Rogue or why Rogue's so b*tchy. She was a deadpan sarcastic in the show and she certainly isn't a satanist. She not a Satanist in the 1990s Show. She's not a Satanist in X-Men: Evolution. She's not a Satanist in the comics. Where did you get the idea that Rogue is a Satanist its a quite crazy notion and completely unfounded. You're cobviously using Carlie to express your hatred for Rogue.
Jean was a nice character in the show so I don't get why she wants to get Rogue expelled. Rogue might not be the nicest X-Men character but she's still a part of the team and in the show Jean at least respected her. And Jean coming up with ideas to get rid of Rogue, thats not like her at all. When did Jean and Carlie become best friends?
You really shouldn't describe, in so much detail, what Carlie wears because its really annoying. It adds to her Sueishness and I know most people get bored reading that.
What's all this business about Lance and Pietro not willingly joining the Brotherhood of Mutants. They joned willingly.
So everyone loves Carlie, huh? So how many people have admitted they like her now? Lance. Pietro. And everyone.
And then Rogue attacks her? Why?
| Stormysongbird chapter 2 . 9/9/2011
Look I have to say that what you've got is a Mary-Sue. The classic signs are all there. You spend more time than is really needed on her appearance, we have the tragic past, although not as blatant. This character really seems to have no flaws. I can't get into her as a character, frankly her "perfection" was rather annoying. I would STRONGLY urge you to take the Mary Sue Litmus Test.
Other than that this is a good story. I would just take some time to really reevaluate carlie.
| The Fic Critic chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
Got cut off there, this is the rest of the review:
She had the rapt attention of every male student, and most of the other girls looked very enthusiastic about the new arrival as well.
(The girls as well, oh, so her power is making people love her right? Like that elf from that Disney show that had both David something and Selina Gomez trying to do her. Funny, I don’t know what this has to do with a symbiote invasion though.)
"Cool," Bobby said. "What's your mutation?"
An uncomfortable expression slid across Carlie's face. "Actually, I'd rather have the introductions tomorrow. I'm really tired."
"Certainly," Charles concurred.
"You can share my room," Amara offered without hesitation. "My name is Amara Aquilla."
"And I can carry her bags," Lance added instantly.
"Don't worry about it, Lance, I can get it," Pietro told him casually.
"No, she should stay in my room," Jubilee argued.
Kitty spoke directly to Carlie. "You can, totally, stay in the room that, like, Rogue and I share."
"Sure," Rogue said acidly. "She can sleep out on the roof."
(Yeah, her power has to be to make people want to screw her, that’s the only explanation for all this blatant ass kissing.)
"Relax, all of you." Jean laughed. She turned to Carlie. "Hi, my name is Jean Grey. And it's fine if you want to share my room."
"You'd honestly do that for me?" A smile blossomed over Carlie's beautiful face. "Thank you so much."
(Her beautiful face? Didn’t we get that earlier when she was described, in great detail, that’s she’s really pretty?)
"Sure," Jean said. "Let's get your luggage and we can head straight there."
"Okay," Carlie said. "My bags are in the foyer."
There was a strong gust of air as Pietro rushed out to the foyer, Lance running out after him. The other boys followed, each eager to have a chance to impress Carlie.
In the end, both Lance and Scott managed to wrangle suitcases from Pietro, and they formed a little parade as the queque (Wow, double word) climbed the stairs to Jean's room.
"You know, Carlie has a great personality," Jean heard Pietro say in a low tone to Scott, who readily agreed. She exchanged a smile with Carlie, who had also heard.
(What? A great personality? Did you read her mind or something? We haven’t seen her personality yet. She’s barely said anything.)
Once at the room, the boys dropped off the suitcases in Jean's room, then reluctantly left. As she closed the door behind them, Jean giggled.
"You know," she addressed Carlie, "they all have major crushes on you."
"Really?" Carlie asked in genuine surprise.
(Yes, everyone, including Jean and Xavier, did you not see that with the parade of people behind you? Oh, does she have Aspergers Syndrome? If she’s really talented and then can’t tell what others are feeling.)
"Yes." Jean nodded and walked over to Carlie's twin bed, settling beside her and leaning forward conspiratorially. "I really like Scott, but I think that you and him would be a much better couple. Plus, I don't want that little, goth, Satanist Rogue to sink her claws into him. So how about if I play matchmaker and set you two up?"
(Wait, she’s giving away Scott! But, that’s, just. God, I cannot begin to say what’s wrong with that. You realize they weren’t just friends by the end right? They were together. They may have described themselves as just friends, but they were CLEARLY more than that. Also, Goth Satanist Rogue? Yeah, she’s being a bitch, but a Satanist? Since when? Wait, wait-wait-wait. Do you, HATE Rogue but LIKE Jean? Dear god! Hell just froze over! Satan is stuck under a mountain of snow, we need to launch a rescue mission people! Seriously, you’re the first person to actually not like Rogue and proffer Jean as the right one. I’d be happy to see this, except that you’re out right bashing Rogue here. Can we not have a story where neither is bashed? I hate to read all the stories where Jean is portrayed as a slutty bitch, but making her sickeningly sweet and Rogue as an unsympathetic bitch is pretty much swapping this around. It’s actually just as bad)
"I don't know. . ." Carlie said uncertainly.
"It'll be fun," Jean coaxed.
"Maybe," Carlie replied evasively. "I just want to stay friends for now."
"Of course," Jean said. "Scott and I usually hang out together, but we can include you, too. Most of the other girls just aren't mature enough for me to be around them for long. I really hope that you and I can be best friends."
Carlie looked at her with sudden intensity. "Jean, can I tell you a secret?"
"Sure," Jean said. "But first may I ask you something?"
"Definitely," Carlie responded.
"I'm a telepath, and a telekinetic, but I can't read your mind. It's there, but seems to be blocked off. Why is that?" Jean looked at Carlie curiously.
Carlie took a deep breath. "Well, I think that's because of my mutant abilities."
(Oh, so as well as making everyone love you you’re immune to telepathy. Wait, why was Jean TRYING to read her mind. Jean doesn’t do that, she was actually annoyed when Duncan tried to convince her to. Or did we not watch the same show?)
Intrigued, Jean gave the other girl her full attention. "If it doesn't bother you, what is your mutation?"
"Well. . ." Carlie stood, and in a flash, she was crouched upside down on the ceiling, as Jean blinked up at her in amazement.
(Wait, she was wearing a skirt, and now she’s upside down on the ceiling. Ok, Skirt upside down Gravity Panty shot. I kid you not, had this been a Japanese Manga instead of a western fanfic, it would have been the focus of several pages.)
Carlie smiled. "I have all of the abilities of Spider-Man."
(What? WHAT! How is suddenly flashing up to the ceiling Spider-Man’s power? Wait, how can your mutation be having Spider-Man’s power? Did her DNA mutate a gene that said ‘Be like that guy!’ or something? That’s stupid. And what does this have to do with everyone being in love with her? That’s not one of Spider-Man’s gifts, hell, that’s the OPPOSITE of him.)
A/N: I don't care what anyone says, Carlie is NOT a Mary-Sue. I even hate that word, because a Mary-Sue is only a really cool OC character (OC character? You realize that OC stands for Original Character right? You basically just said ‘Original Character character’) that everyone else flames just because they they (Double word) don't like her.
(What? She’s NOT a Mary Sue? No, a Mary Sue isn’t a really cool OC everyone else just flames, its a character with nothing likable or conceivable about them. A Mary Sue is a character with no flaws or problems that can get away with being plain and annoying and no one calls them out on. Do you know anything about writing?)
Reviews are great. :)
(Usually, but not yours.)
Ok, here’s my final opinion:
The 2 is because, despite the flaws, its actually well written. However, the missing 8 is because, well, its just flame bait. You might as well be standing by a campfire wearing gasoline-based perfume.
To go into detail, no one is in character, no one. Some have their speaking patterns, but no one has any of the personalities they had in the show.
Your character Carly (With a Y, because Carlie reads like Charlie) is nothing but a paper thin disguise for the author’s wish fulfilment. She’s bland, she has a stupid idea for a power (Seriously? Spider-Man’s power? Why not just give her danger sensing, or wall crawling, or web making, Why all of his abilities? That’s super strength, agility, durability, healing factor, danger sensing, wall crawling, and genius intelligence. That’s too much for an X-Man, a solo character like Spidey it could work for, but a mutant is supposed to only have one-two powers, so that way they can work with a team dynamic), she’s too perfect, and I’m going to assume she has no flaws. I can’t tell, all we know is what we’ve been told, so for all we know she could actually be as dumb as a post since we only have Chucky’s creepy description of her.
Finally, the plot has nothing to do with Symbiotes like we were promised from its name (Why use the name of a popular-amongst-Spider-Man-fans-video-game if you have no plans of incorporating it into the plot?) But then again, I can chalk that up to poor writing or name picking.
Its weird, I’ve looked at the profile page, and no way is all of your stories this bad. There’s 40 stories. Similarly, the profile expresses support towards Rogue rather than Jean, yet the story seems to favour Jean rather than Rogue. Its like its two different people.
Either two things must be possible: This is someone without any talent using a friends/siblings account to upload the story, or its actually a well hidden troll fic that tries to cover that up.
If you plan on continuing, I wouldn’t, I doubt you’ll find any positive feedback.
| The Fic Critic chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
Congratulations, Artemis’s Liege, you’re the author of the first story I’m reviewing. I’m trying to start my own story review blog, and as part of that, I’m going to review stories which I think are just in need of real reviewing. To distinguish between your story and mine, I’m going to add notes in a CP of you story and show how bad it was.
Web Of Shadows by Artemis’s Liege
(Web of Shadows? As in the game, oh, that’s cool, is it like adapting that into the Evolution universe? That would be cool.)
Darkness had descended upon the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, and the night was still. The temperature had cooled slightly, but the sluggish mugginess of the day still persisted, though it was past midnight, with no sign of rain to clear it away. The silence and heavy air reflected the tense atmosphere that lingered in Charles Xavier's study as he conferred with his friends and fellow teachers, Logan and Ororo Munroe. In the mansion's upper stories, students lay in their beds and slumbered, unaware of the late-night conversation between the older mutants; the halls of the Xavier Institute were vast, the walls thick, and the adults' voices were low as they discussed a newcomer to the school, and didn't carry through the debonair, oak-paneled (Oh, Spelling mistake, its panelled) room and the thick, elaborately carved study door.
(Well, introduction isn’t bad, and it sets up the scene, so you do have talent in writing)
"I don't know, Charles," Logan growled. "Can we trust her? There's no one around to vouch for her, other than the woman you talked to over the phone. She could be a spy."
(What? Who could be spy? Why is Logan being so paranoid? I want answers!)
Charles Xavier smiled slightly. "Your zealousness of our school's security is admirable, Logan, but unnecessary in this case. I have spoken to the social worker, and scanned the girl's mind after meeting her. She is not a threat to us, and yet. . ." Charles trailed off, his eyes narrowing.
(He read her mind? Xavier, I thought you were against doing that without permission. Well, Logan’s a paranoid ass, and Xavier is a prick. I think that’s how they’re characterized.)
"What is it?" Ororo asked, concerned.
"I cannot shake the feeling that this girl is somehow more than she appears to be," Charles said speculatively. "However, we can definitely trust her. And I think she has amazing potential."
(If your gut is telling you there’s more than meets the eye about her, how can you be sure you can trust her then? That’s some poor logic)
"I'm sure that she will be a fine addition to the X-Men," Ororo said regally.
"Yes," Charles agreed. He turned his sage gaze to Logan. "You should attempt to get to know her, Logan. I'm sure that she will surprise you."
Logan harrumphed. "Sure, I'll give it a try, Chuck, but I don't see what's so special about this kid."
"You'll find out in due time," Charles said cryptically, and then summoned the students, awakening them in the process.
Everyone, please immediately meet in my study. We have important news.
The bedraggled students stumbled in the direction of Charles Xavier's study, their eyes struggling to adjust to the sudden bright light, grouchily wondering to one another why they had to be disturbed at such a late hour. Ushering them along, Jean Grey doubled back once they were almost there, in order to ascertain that she hadn't forgotten anyone. Just in case, she entered the Rec room, to find Rogue sprawled out on the large, leather sofa, still fully dressed in her usual goth ensemble, her eyes focused on the television screen.
"Rogue!" She exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips, which were covered by her forest green silk pajamas, which consisted of long pants and a button-down top with folded lapels. "What are you doing?"
"Watching a movie," Rogue explained. "More specifically, watching Lindsay Lohan, when she was less of a crackhead than she is today, trying to act and failing miserably. Here, she plays the shrieking caricature of what Heather Hach and Leslie Dixon think a relatable teenage girl is."
(Wow that was uncalled for. Seriously, what did Lindsay Lohan do to you? You realize all her problems were because her parents were pretty much emotionally abusive bullies right? There’s a difference between being sarcastic and being just plain insesitive)
Jubilee walked into the room, her pajamas a purple T-Shirt and yellow drawstring pants spotted with purple flowers. "Oh, hey. What are you watching? Freaky Friday? Come on, there has to be something on better than that. I know that it's late, but still. Can I change the channel, please?"
(Ok, it wasn’t THAT bad of a film, Ok? I’ve seen a lot worse, I watched the Wrestler)
"No!" Jean said, scandalized. "We're going to Professor Xavier's study, right now! Get moving!"
She half-dragged Rogue from the couch, and Jubilee followed, and they arrived at the study just as the last few students were filing inside.
"What's going on, Professor?" Pietro politely inquired, smoothing his platinum blonde hair. The other students, in the midst of spreading themselves throughout the spacious room, yawning and exchanging exasperate glances while they did so, added their own questions.
(Wait, PIETRO is here? Why? He was á bad guy! Like, the worst of the Brotherhood. Why would he ‘enquire politely’ to anyone?)
"Students, I have called you here to meet a new arrival to the Xavier Institute. This student is extraordinarily talented in both athletics and academics, and her degree of perceptiveness may surprise you. But I can assure you that she is friendly, nonjudgmental, and her sheer determination is remarkable," Xavier told them.
(Ok, Xavier has the hots for this new student, we can tell that by his unheedingly large amount of detail in compliments to her. That’s messed up.)
The interest of several students was piqued, and Bobby and Evan traded curious glances. Whispers and comments floated about the room.
Rogue, however, remained staunchly unimpressed. "Wonderful," She said, her tone dripping with dark sarcasm. "Jean two-point-oh. I should be so lucky."
"Rogue, be quiet," Ororo admonished. "Could you at least try to be pleasant for once?"
Ororo received only a scoff from Rogue in return, and then the goth crossed her arms over her chest, cutting her cold eyes at her superior.
(Why is Rogue being such a bitch? She was darkly spirited and sarcastic, but right now, she’s scoffing at teachers, insulting people she doesn’t know, and picking on Lindsay Lohan)
"Like, where is this new girl?" Kitty asked cheerfully, glancing around the room.
Charles smiled. "I'll call her in here so that all of you may meet her. Although I must insist that all of you be considerate and do your best make her feel at home." He turned to the boys. "That means no practical jokes or teasing."
"Of course," Lance said instantly, and Pietro nodded in agreement. Jubilee and Amara looked at each other eagerly, while Scott and Jean quietly murmured to one another, discussing this latest piece of information. Rogue rolled her eyes.
(Oh, I get it, you’re a writer who had the Brotherhood join the X-Men after the events of the series. But that doesn’t explain why they aren’t being assholes like they, you know, were.)
If you don't mind, would you be so kind as to come to my study? He requested telepathically, directing the question to the girl's mind.
Of course, she answered mentally.
"So, Professor, who is this girl?" Sam queried, his voice intoned with a southern accent.
(I don’t think we needed to know that. We’ve heard him before, we know he has a slight Kentucky accent.)
"Why not ask her yourself?" Charles replied good-naturedly. "She's here."
He had barely finished his sentence before the door opened, and a willowy girl strolled into the room. Long, bright golden blonde hair framed her stunningly beautiful face, the sleek tresses flowing over her graceful shoulders and traveling (Again, Double L, its travelling) to reach halfway down her back, and several strands had been pinned back with a clip bedecked with a pink satin rosette. The elegant and stylish glasses that she wore added intelligence to her lovely features, not at all diminishing the lively sparkle in her wisteria blue eyes. The clothes she wore accentuated her lithe and slim body. Though of medium height, her legs were long and athletic, emphasized by the short, A-line ivory skirt with a delicate floral pattern of small, pale pink roses. She also wore a clingy, pale pink shirt made of lace, with sheer sleeves that stopped just above her elbows. Sparkling, teardrop-shaped earrings decorated with purple beads hung on her lobes, and the feminine chain around her neck was embellished with an antique charm in the shape of a bird. The shoes she wore were high-heeled wedges, a glittery gold with only a subtle shimmer, and the open toes revealed immaculately manicured feet, and her perfume was "Daisy," by Marc Jacobs.
The girl herself was gorgeous, but her outfit only made her look even more amazing. As every student in the room stared at her, mouths gaping in astonishment (Except Rogue, who was still rolling her eyes), the smile that had graced her featured began to slip.
(Ok, I get it, she’s smart, athletic, and beautiful, looks like the starting of a Mary Sue, lets hope the author works on that)
Anxious, she glanced at Charles. "Professor, is something wrong?" She asked quietly.
"No," he said benignly. "In fact, they're all quite amazed by you, and would do anything if you asked them. Why don't you introduce yourself?"
(Chucky, please stop being creepy, you’re an old man.)
"Okay." She smiled again, and projected her melodious voice to a tone that was louder, but retained its pleasant ring. "Hello, my name is Carlie Stacy. I'm a mutant, just like all of you, and I've come to learn here at the Xavier Institute."
She had the rapt attention of every male student, and most of the oth
| EarlyMorningFreak chapter 1 . 9/8/2011
I have to admit, I've read some of your other works and this is a little disappointing.
To start, there were a couple of things with adjectives. Sometimes you just used to many. While it is a very good thing to use adjectives, and I applaud you for you word choices, they can sometime take away from the actual meaning of what you write.
When you were discussing how the younger mutants could not hear the older speaking, it was just a bit much.
Also, when you said "He turned his sage gaze towards Logan." it seemed a little awkward. You don't really need to mention Charles being sage. If you must, though, you could say something along the lines of "He looked at Logan with wizened eyes." It just flows a little better.
Another thing that I'd like to mention is the characters are a little OOC. If you don't know, that means out of character. Rogue really isn't that sarcastic. She can be at times but she has a lot more depth than just sarcasm. Scott would not have a crush on a girl after seeing her for five seconds and Jean would not give Scott up, they have to strong of a connection. And just wondering, what is the Brotherhood doing at the Institute, when is this taking place?
My last thing is your character is indeed a Mary-Sue. You've described her outfit in much too detail. While is one thing to write about what a character is wearing it is not necessary to speak about how every piece of clothing makes her even more beautiful. The fact that you spent so much time already saying how beautiful she is does not help. The fact that all the boys are heel of head for her makes her even more of a Mary-Sue. While I can see them acting like complete idiots for a pretty girl, it's just a little soon. All the girls seem to like her as well, except for Rogue which makes it seem like she can do no wrong. All of these things can be easily remedied though. Cool it on her beauty, no one likes a perfect character with no flaws. Along with physical flaws you also need personality flaws, such as bad habits, a mean streak, things like that. People like to read about a character they can relate to. And of course, don't have all the guys fall in love with her. Just try to flesh her out a bit and make her more real.
I hope these things help you improve a bit. If you want Amy help you can always PM me. I love helping people so feel free to!