|Reviews for Notes on an Adventure in a Public Place|
| DREAMCOLE chapter 4 . 5/15/2013
Averia and Raine, the best/worst, most fun/destructive kids to want to/be forced to be around!
Oddly enough, despite; Squall's desire to have a son, I just have the feeling he'd end up with another daughter. And to his torture, she'd have even more in common with grampa Laguna then Averia does.
Speaking of, Laguna. I'd really love to see a one-shot just focusing on him, Averia and Raine. Considering how things were with, Ellone as a kid, I can only imagine how things with Averia and Raine would be.
| Empress of Procrastination chapter 1 . 4/6/2013
I am pleased to say that this was one of the only stories on Fanfiction that I could read all the way through without barfing. (That was intended to be a compliment)
I'd never thought about it before, but Squall and Lightning make a good couple (at least, in my opinion). You didn't slack on description, and the characters behaved like they normally would, which is actually something most Fanfiction writers could improve on. Also, you stayed out of passive voice and used enough active voice, which is also a big problem for other writers.
1) Almost all of the punctuation was right. Almost. You need to work on how you punctuate your dialogue. I'll give you a few examples here:
"It's a giant mushroom," he said.
"It's a giant mushroom!" he said.
"It's a giant mushroom!" His eyes grew wide.
His eyes grew wide. "It's a giant mushroom!"
"It's a giant mushroom?" he asked.
It should never be this:
"It's a giant mushroom." He said.
"It's a giant mushroom." he said.
"It's a giant mushroom!" He said.
"It's a giant mushroom?" He asked.
And the worst one of all:
"IT'S A GIANT MUSHROOM!?"
Putting any combination of exclamation points and question marks together sounds immature, as well as more than one question mark or exclamation point.
(And yes, that was an Avatar reference.)
Also, there is no ban on using the word "said." Don't use too much of it, but don't do the opposite either. Too many fancy dialogue tags distract from the storyline.
In other words, don't do this:
"I love llamas!" I shouted.
"Yeah!" Grace agreed.
"Yeah!" I concurred.
"Yeah!" Grace yelled.
"This conversation is completely stupid!" I barked.
"I like trains!" Grace whooped.
2) Show, not tell.
Try to show your information instead of telling it straight to the reader (most of the time). Telling becomes a bit boring. The reader needs to be able to figure things out on their own sometimes. You didn't have too much trouble with this, but it was still a little bit of a problem.
For example, in one of the beginning paragraphs where Squall talks about his awkwardness, why not just leave that part out? It's pretty obvious that he's awkward from the later paragraphs, and doesn't need to be told directly to us.
Which brings me to my next point...
3) If it's redundant and unnecessary, it can probably be left out.
This is pretty self-explanatory. You had great description, but at times it felt overwhelming to the point of "must I read through this all the way?" (sorry if that was offending, I'm exaggerating a little)
Try to eliminate useless adjectives as well. Sometimes, it's better to use more nouns than adjectives so that more of the interesting action part happens.
(And as a side note, feel free to use the characters' names when you have to. You shouldn't be substituting "Lightning" for every "she" that you have, but you certainly don't have to refer to anyone as a "pinkette" because that sounds a tad weird.)
4) Avoid cliches like the plague. (Get it?)
This is the main problem. I noticed that many of the phrases you use for description are taken from other writing. Examples include "blinked questioningly," "triumphant smirk," "eyes narrow," "stared intently," and "cracked a small smile." They aren't exactly cliches, but they are overused in a lot of the fanfiction and amateur writing I've read. Perhaps you've been reading too much on this site?
Just try and avoid a phrase if you know it's been overused before. And when you write in a simile or metaphor, try thinking of something original.
That was the main part of the advice I had to give you. Despite what you may think after reading my thorough review, I thought the story was quite good, and you definitely have the skills to make it even better.
I hope my tips were helpful, and keep writing! (And inform me if there's anything about the review that you didn't understand)
P.S. A great way to edit your writing is to read it out loud. It may sound silly, but when you do this, you catch errors you wouldn't normally find by simply reading, and you will be able to fix awkward phrases as well as bad wording.
P.P.S. You may already know this, but the best way to write a story and finish it is to write everything as it comes into your head without looking back, and then editing later. It's a lot less frustrating and more fun. Sorry if this isn't new information to you.
| Traingham chapter 3 . 3/19/2013
Yeesh, no matter what the context may be reading our hearing the words "balls" and "crushed" in the same sentence causes me to cringe, but hey, Squall already has a tomboy on his hands that can meet the expectations of any boy he can dream up of, and possibly do better if Raine decides to keep picking up after her mother.
Fantastic job on making Lightning into a convincing mother figure, by the way, and Squall pleading for a son was oddly adorable. (Yeah, I just called Squall adorable. Weird, ain't it?) it makes me curious now, really; What kind of mother would Quistis or Rinoa have become, and how it would have influenced their children. I mention Rinoa second because I see Quistis settling into the role more naturally. (Rinoa and Selphie? *Cringe* Fuujin?...I don't know what to think.)
Anyway, an enjoyable read! Write on, mate!
| Blab chapter 3 . 3/19/2013
Woot! Go Raine! You little explosive maniac, you. Gotta admit, you really write them well. Well, as in, really writing them in character of how you potray the characters... If that made any sense. But its really believable. For me, and thats good enough.
Sooooo. Planning on bringing another Leonhart into the insanity? I would vote they have another girl just to spite Squall. Though a little father and son moments are lacking, yes. Squall has daddy issues. Maybe thats the reason? Bleh. Keep it up.
| AdOkufukai chapter 1 . 10/22/2011
Super overprotective Squall, the only way I see him as a family man. Laguna's no different. And really, a Satellite Cannon. If I laugh any harder, I'll rip my cheeks wide open. XD
| Indurrago chapter 1 . 9/27/2011
Kewl, so you actually made Ceodore a character into your tiny titan-verse. Squall...lol. Gonna fire the LAZER to get rid of the problem XD. Wouldn't Averia get caught in the blast too?
I noticed a change in Lightning, I feel like Lightning in the past wouldn't react the too differently from the way Squall tried to. Also did Ceodore inherit his dad's hair? XD Oh yeah, Laguna is STILL president? ROFL.
| Loul chapter 1 . 9/12/2011
haha, that was good, I loved the ending :D
good job !
| NinjaSheik chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
| Thien chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
Oh my, Squall is one hell of a father. Being an orphan and living in Garden for too long does that, I imagine. He really needs a talk with Cecil on conventional parenting, without the latter knowing of Squall's acquiescence to Raine blowing Ceodore up, of course. XD
And I think this verse is very good, Raine and Averia are interesting. I just don't have a habit of reading parents/kids fics, that's all. XD
| Grimmuald chapter 1 . 9/9/2011
Hahaha, well done, that ending was especially funny, keep up the good work!