Reviews for Rise and Fall Of The Mexican Mafia Part 1
las venturas bitch chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
cool! keep it on!
Shadow795 chapter 1 . 9/13/2011
Hey First off the bat you need to make sure to Capitalize proper nouns like Mexicans.

Now I enjoyed the concept them landing on the beach but, I was lost for a huge chunk of the story. What I would have liked is for you to have explained a bit more about them all. Example Pablo who is he the fact that you give him a name means that he has some warrant of attention and yet there is nothing else about him except he dies.

Now for Oscar, who is he? Was he on the boat? I ask because it mention nothing of him being on the boat and the way he acts to Hector seems that they don't know each other and figuring they were on a boat all the way from Mexico together they'd know each other or if they don't like each other maybe a reason needs to be said why and then you would have to explain why is he helping someone he doesn't like when he could have easily ran over Oscar.

Next The story pacing is okay though I would have liked a bit more detail and slowed it down just a bit make a chapter about their landing and then a chapter out of their first mission(the chopping of the car.)

Another thing that you need to work on is sentence structure. You have too many sort sentences that make the story hard to read and it slows down the flow. You should try to make compound and complex sentences without using run-ons whenever possible.

Example

You wrote "Pedro pulls a knife out from his pocket with his left hand. He charged Hector. Hector sticks the chainsaw in Pedro's stomach. Mexican gangsters start running from their homes shooting at Hector. Hector speeds away."

Now how I would make it better is the following

Pedro uses his left hand to pull out a knife from his pocket, and then charged Hector. Hector quickly lowered the chainsaw in front of himself allowing Pedro to impale himself allowing blood to gush from his stomach. (For the next sentence You should really give these guys a gang name instead of just saying Mexican Gangster it would flow so much better try a spin off from a real one like MS13 for example).

Several WS12 members hearing the noise of the chainsaw going through Pedro's stomach burst from their houses with guns in hand. Pedro amidst a hail of bullets runs to the car, and speeds off as bullets pelt the back of the car.

Now I'll put it all together since I broke it up. (Pedro uses his left hand to pull out a knife from his pocket, and then charged Hector. Hector quickly lowered the chainsaw in front of himself allowing Pedro to impale himself allowing blood to gush from his stomach. Several WS12 members hearing the noise of the chainsaw going through Pedro's stomach burst from their houses with guns in hand. Pedro amidst a hail of bullets runs to the car, and speeds off as bullets pelt the back of the car.)See by adding detail you make the sentence longer and much more pleasant to read since I have some information of what is going on.

My biggest advice is remember to ask Why, When What and Who when your write, try to explain as much as possible without going into too much detail not everyone enjoys reading the style of say Tolkien but many do so you can always spend a paragraph just describing a sunset or a landscape.