|Reviews for Our Forbidden Love|
| Mr.Kokomo chapter 5 . 7/3/2012
As you asked, here is my criticism to your writing.
Now, to give what's wrong with how it looks, I will say that your structuring is terrible. I can't tell who is saying due to the only indications of different people talking are those dashes. When you have someone talk, you have to put it in a seperate line. Here's an example.
"Hello." (Insert character here) said.
"Hi" (Insert character here) said.
Another grueling problem is punctuation and the use of words. I notice when a character makes an interrogative statement or asks a question, the punctuation is a of a question mark. (?)
The characters here seem like cardboard cutouts of characters rather than complex characters, and I can't even tell who's who because you give no description of what the characters look like, what the main character knows them for, neither do they do any sort of interesting action.
Now for the biggest problem. The story. Now, being known for writing grim stories, I do indeed have a different mindset, so I forgive this to be a brighter story, and I will heed that this is indeed a brighter story. I however will not forgive the flow of this story. It feels like the story is just establishing one scene, then zipping to another as if it had no time to give us anything.
These chapters really have no point to them, the only interesting things in this are Miharu's hospitalization, Sadiqq's ability to see other people's dreams, but none of those are really explained enough, and aren't looked into enough, and it just comes off as pretentious and useless; and when it is explained, it still comes off as pointless. The story is pretty much pointless because nothing significant is really happening.
When I read the story, I felt that you just watched the anime and only looked at it as being cute or silly. If you look at Shuffle, you may also see it as a bit campy, but there are aspects of it that are considered grim, like Kaede's former hatred for Rin, Sia's sister who is in Sia's body but with a seperate mind, Primula's experiences, etc. All this can be looked at in a fanfiction thanks to something called ambiguity. Ambiguity is a term describing a situation or story that is done for a reason no one completely knows, meaning someone can make their own decisions on why it happened, or take advantage of it in a fanfiction, like I did so far with Sia's sister, Kikyou. Why? Because it isn't explained too much. We can make our own conclussions on what the hell happens next.
By the way... For the love of god, stop using unneccesary japanese terms! I can understand the term for brother or sister. I can understand "senpai." But use baka one more time, I am giving up all hope in you.
Okay. That's my criticism for you, and I reccomend you not be discouraged by my criticism, and that you heed it well. Have a nice day.
| ThomasZoey3000 chapter 4 . 2/2/2012
This was quite an interesting chapter SaddiqA25, I'm looking forward to seeing the next part. Please keep up the amazing work.
| Kni9ht chapter 4 . 1/17/2012
This is Kni9ht here, sorry that it took too LONG to reply to your previous message. Things have become quite hectic here, with all my times being consumed to academics, house-moving preparations, playing Persona (Both P3 and P4) that I barely have any time left to read or writing fanfics, plus the big writer's block in my head didn't help much either.
Anyway, since I am here, I will have a few words about your story.
Firstly, the characters are mostly kept in their own personalities (except for Sakura, of course), a succeed especially concerning many altered aspects of the story.
Secondly, despite many flaws and mistakes in spelling, grammar, and mostly punctuation, the plot felt quite enlightening to me, which was a surprise even to myself.
Finally, don't just occasionally use "-" between conversation. It killed the mood of reading, dude.
So, that's my opinions for now. I want to show you specifically your mistakes, but have to hold back because of both short time on my end and the fact that I am writing this on a phone.
'Til next time.
| mike11208 chapter 4 . 1/6/2012
Mother of fucking God Saddiq, why in the living hell are you making Sakura a yandere? I know you got a fetish for them, but don't put them in ya damn stories!
Oh, and you got me rollin when you said "Woman get ya ass off the fountain." I see what you did there.
As for writing, you've improved A LOT since your last one. And like Tristan said, don't put those - when you separate sentences. Just write them like you usually do.
Anyways, keep up the awesome job, and I should be posting my Chapter 4 very soon.
| MuggleBehavior chapter 4 . 12/28/2011
Way better than the last chapter. The first part was really good! But it sorta went downhill when you got up to lunch. Don't use - to separate dialogue. Also it was a bit rushed towards the end. But you're improving and that's all that matters.
| MuggleBehavior chapter 3 . 10/1/2011
You took a step back. Don't combine the dialogue. It makes it complicated to read. Everytime a different character speaks, make a space and write whatever they say.
Also, don't break the first wall so much. Like referring to ther stories or previous chapters. It makes the story seem less professional (As if fanfictions are professional.)
There was also a lot of randomness in this chapter. I don't know if it was because I don't know anything about this anime, but it seemed weird to me.
Just try to fix all of this, and the story will be better.
| mike11208 chapter 3 . 9/28/2011
Pretty good. I agree with the reviewer below me. You kinda are making this ish predictable. But, he has played the visual novels while I watched the anime. Never mind that, though. An idea you should try is to make the story dark during its progress. Like, put some drama crap and stuff like that. Well, I hope this helps bro.
| Kni9ht chapter 2 . 9/27/2011
I have just read your second chapter and, honestly, I thought it a bit too predictable. I don't know whether you have played them or not but I have completed the D.C. visual novels, both first and second game plus the fandisk. So what I want to tell you is that if you stick to the canon story too much it would be kind of... boring to me.
One other thing: "first day of high school"! The D.C. series usually started off with the main character as the senior year. And Nemu is in the same year as Junichi, if not the same birthday. You have just made a huge age gap, dude.
Finally, you need to improve your writing, though you seemed to get better with the second chapter compare to the first one. But still, it never hurts to be better, does it?
Anyway, I'm keeping an eye on you since this fandom rarely have any subscription, and I'm a sucker for this visual novel series.
| MuggleBehavior chapter 2 . 9/22/2011
Aw, why did Pikachu have to die? It's sorta better than the first chapter. But there are a few errors. Doesn't matter much since this is your first story. You'll get better with practice.
| mike11208 chapter 2 . 9/21/2011
Pretty good so far. I mean, you're starting to get the hang of writing and the way dialogue is written. Your writing is also getting better. You're kind of being a little descriptive. So, keep up the good work.
| mike11208 chapter 1 . 9/13/2011
Alright. I don't wanna write a lot, seeing as how my patience is pretty low. First off, you're off to a good start. Plot wise and stuff, it's good. Dialogue, good too. You have to separate the dialogue though. Read some more stories to find out about that.
Second, you sort of rushed this. Remember that it takes time for an author to write stories, edit it, and make it seem good. One thing you might need to change soon would be the rating. Since this will have a bit of cussing as you told me, you need to change the rating. K means you ain't gonna cuss, put fan service up in there, and shit like that. Change it so your story don't get taken off.
Thats all I gotta say for now. Like I said, you're off to a good start. Keep reading my stories and Tristan's to see how to handle story writing. Until next time.