|Reviews for Oneshot|
| EpikalStorms chapter 1 . 9/16/2011
well, i think u should keep doing it :D
| sapphireswimming chapter 1 . 9/14/2011
Hey! I feel like it's been far too long since I've talked to you. Sorry about that. College has been rather crazy this semester, but I think I'll have some of MLP relatively soon for you. Until then, I will comment on this lovely oneshot. :D
I loved this idea. Loved it. Really, when I got to the end, I stopped and went, 'whoa! this is soooooooo coool. so incredibly awesome! how did she come up with this?' I think it's one of the more interesting oneshot plots I've read in quite a while, so this excited me A LOT. :D
A couple grammatical typo thingies: (sorry if I'm too nit-picky :/ )
-Flies should be capitalized since it's a main word of a book title
-There should be a comma between Clockwork's sentences and addressing Danny. Ie: "...dying, Danny." and "...time, Danny."
-You missed the ending quotation marks when Danny asks if Clockwork will stop his death
-I really don't picture Lancer saying heck. I don't know, just seems a little informal for his character, but people do react strangely in odd circumstances, so you can justify the outburst.
-Misspelled follow (fallow)
-The sentence with the nurse, Sam, Tucker, and Clockwork was confusing until I had read through it a couple times. You might want to rephrase that if you go back and rewrite.
Okay. Now that those un-pleasantries are out of the way, I can once more talk about how fabulous this idea was. haha. Good stuff.
So I love how you've set up the scene as just a normal day in Lancer's class and then in the third sentence, turn the entire thing on it's head. I can totally picture this, too. Danny got into an awful fight but is too stubborn to get help and tries to make it into class like he's perfectly fine when he's totally not. Classic Danny and his stupid pretense that he's always okay. I also like how you've made Lancer so caring. I know I've commented on that in your other story with Chase, but thought I would tell you again. :)
The only thing I can think of to make this section better is to introduce the scene with either "It was Mr Lancer's class (period)" or cut that out and instead describe the scene. That would be more of a show rather than tell approach. Either one would work, but when you say it was Mr Lancer's class (which is a really neat emphatic little phrase) and then continue on to describe what was happening, you lose some of the emphasis and coolness of that succinct opening. I mean, it's fine as it is, I just think that opening with something a little more clear and mood setting would work well.
Loved how Danny was sort of out of it but realizing how bad the entire situation was getting. And then the ectoplasm... you know it's bad when you get to that point. eek.
Clockwork's appearance was a little unexpected for me, but I think it's neat that you included him. Although, I'm not quite sure why he needed to tell Danny he was dying unless letting him know that he would still be around as a ghost was something he needed to know before he expired in order for everything to go well. I don't feel like Clockwork appears often for no reason, but he is Danny's mentor and is such a cool guy, that I can deal with whatever. Him being there is just really fun.
I feel like the second half of the story should be slowed down just a little with more descriptions. You have such an awesome plot going, I really, really, really wanted to know more about what people were thinking and feeling and the pauses in between what they were saying. I think adding in just a little bit of that kind of thing would turn this into a phenomenal piece.
Oh. Another aspect which I just realized was here is that Danny was pretty much just revealed as half ghost to anyone paying enough attention. Not sure if you wanted to do anything with this in the scope of this oneshot, but it would be really interesting to know what everyone else thought and reacted to this news and the fact that Danny is on speaking terms with a ghost and is dying in front of their eyes. Maybe a companion piece if you think you could stand writing some more of this idea...
Really like the emotion building to that last line. Gah. It's just sooo good. But it doesn't feel like the description right afterwards is quite the place to end. It doesn't feel definitive enough. Plot-wise, it's a pretty good place to end for a oneshot, although I would love to see what happens after this, but rewording that end would make it more effective as a whole, I think.
I definitely think that this idea deserves to be perfected. I think it's a great story and I'm so glad you posted it, even if you do think it's random. :)
And I have rambled for enough and left my homework for too long. I'll sign off now. But thank you for writing!
| Really Big Hat chapter 1 . 9/14/2011
You should continue it. It seams interesting .
| I like it chapter 1 . 9/14/2011
I like it make more charpters
| CCC chapter 1 . 9/14/2011
I liked it please don't leave as a one shot make more chapters I liked it 4/5.