|Reviews for Behind Closed Doors|
| Legendary Biologist chapter 3 . 3/25/2016
The involvement of Cell Games in the story is a brilliant plotline! I totally don't see it coming, but it's a great idea. Considering that Cell is wiping out the world's population quickly, I'm curious if Sharpener and his family will be involved in all the mess as well.
Lol, I had a chuckle when Clip said (although you may need some grammatical corrections) ["If you two die(, there are two less mouths I have to feed,)"]. I agree with Sharpener being amused at that. Clip doesn't feed them after all.
Mrs. Morris' fate is really heartbreaking. She has been helping Sharpener by taking care of Stapler, yet she becomes one of Cell's victim... While this makes the integration of the Cell Games saga into the story fantastic, this is just...very sad.
THE FEELS! The moment Sharpener talks to his mother at her grave is very touching. He's telling her about Cell and how the world is dying quickly, and he promises to talk to her again when it's over. That part is especially moving when Sharpener says that if he dies, he wants Stapler to be with him and suffer the same fate. It's sad, but it's kind of a mercy kill. Being with Clip is a fate worse than death I suppose.
And again, Videl's character is spot on. She's a tough girl! ;)
I notice that there are places where you miss an apostrophe, as in 'Sharpeners' (e.g. Sharpeners leg). It should be 'Sharperner's'. Also, some quotes lack punctuation, such as, ["Leave Videl alone(!)"] And there are a few run-on sentences, which can be easily picked up by rereading the work. If reading a particular sentence becomes exhausting, it means that there may be a comma or two needed to be added into the sentence.
There seems to be an inconsistency at the end. At first, it's said that Mrs. Morris is one of Cell's victims. But in the end, she's alive again? I don't remember if anybody has used the Dragon Ball to revive the population killed by Cell after Cell Games.
That aside, well done.
| Legendary Biologist chapter 2 . 3/25/2016
It really, really sucks to be Sharpener. Abused, yet he shouldn't tell the truth unless he wanted to end up like his mother... And then, he had to tell others that her mother was such a b*tch, not an unfortunate victim of his abusive father.
Videl is very in character. Always that suspicious and a bit insensitive (or rather, tough), and proud of her dad.
Well, Clip continues to be a bastard. And he has impregnated a woman? Ow. Y'know, having known how much of a jerk Clip is, I can feel that the tension is rising when Sharpener has to reveal that he's got a baby to take care of. And said baby comes from the prostitute Clip has once hired. It's so tense, because I know that Clip won't be happy about the child.
The moment when Sharpener takes care of the baby, Stapler, is very cute. It's a good break from all the dark, gritty stuff that I've read from the beginning.
It is pretty sad when Sharpener tries to take care of the baby by stealing stuff. His life sure is difficult, because his dad is such a jerk... But at least, things do seem better after he meets Mrs. Morris. What a heartwarming moment!
And the plot thickens when it's revealed that Clip is part of- no, the leader of a gang of criminals. That's why no cops bother to get him. I'm hoping that Clip will soon get his just desserts.
This chapter has typos, but they are very few, considering the length of this chapter. Anyway, it's nothing that a grammar checker can't check. However, at some places, you use 'basted'. I think it's supposed to be 'bastard', since 'basted' is another word with another meaning (and I'm afraid that grammar checker won't bother to catch it lol).
That aside, well done.
| Legendary Biologist chapter 1 . 3/25/2016
Hallo, Fee! Not fandom blind, but I think I've forgotten who Sharpener is in DBZ. But anyways, on with the review!
This is a dark, tragic opening. Thanks to the vivid descriptions of how Sharpener's father treats his mom, it's really easy to feel for Sharpener. C'mon, this guy is just a little boy, and he watches HIS DAD beating up HIS MOM so horribly? OUCH!
You know, Sharpener's reaction throughout this story is so realistic, relate-able, and tragic. He's very childlike, such as when he asks his mother to wake up... I know he isn't suspecting that his mother is already gone (or maybe he does suspect, but chooses not to believe that) since she becomes quiet, but it still sounds very innocent and fitting for a child.
Moreover, I love how Sharpener finds something strange when his mother doesn't do what she usually does to him: watching over him. But he just waits and waits... Still, that's a very nice bit of characterization.
Yikes! Can I say how much I hate Sharpener's father? He's a jerk, period. When he finds that his wife is dead, he just simply tells his little son to get a shovel so that he can bury her dead body... That's so cold!
Also, I find that Sharpener wondering why they need to bury his mom very appropriate for a kid like him. He can't believe that his mom is gone, yet... One word: tragic.
And I'm really hoping that Sharpener's father will soon get what he deserves. Seriously, telling Sharpener to tell everybody that his mom is a terrible woman? Bastard!
Since that Sharpener has been enrolled into a school, I wonder how things will turn out. Students there are sure to ask some questions about his mom, and I wonder how he will answer that. Will he incur his father's wrath by telling the truth, or will he ends up doing what his father tells him to do when people ask him? Curious!
I notice a few SPAG issues throughout, but mostly just the comma and period usage:
["Mummy, wake up(,) he's gone now,"]
["Mummy(,) wake up, I need you(!)"] - As for this line, because the following dialogue tag indicates that Sharpener is shouting, I'd use an exclamation mark instead.
["Hey(,) Megumi, make me my breakfast,"]
[He clenched his jaw as he (watched) his father kicking his mother in the ribs.] - Typo. Should be 'watched' instead of 'wanted'.
["If anyone asks(,) your mother is on holidays."]
[He'd been his father's mini servet] - I think it's supposed to be 'servant' instead of 'servet'?
["Sir, (wake up).] - Missing a space.
| Ckorkows chapter 1 . 3/20/2016
Hi there, here for the March Event, Review Rampage. I think we’ll start off with just the couple of SPaG things I noticed, and then move on to the meat of the review.
((He clenched his jaw as he wanted his father kicking his mother in the ribs.)) I think you might have meant to use the verb “watched” instead of “wanted” here.
((Before too long he handed that job.)) Incomplete sentence. Do you mean, “he handed the job over to Sharpener”?
((His father not scolding him for the tears.)) Okay, so this is an incomplete sentence, you can fix that by putting a comma after “He cried as he dug” instead of the period, to link the two clauses. Besides that, I wanted to say that I really liked this particular moment. It not only gave us even more perspective on what type of cruel man his father was, but it also showed us that the father is actually human, and is dealing with his wife’s death in some way that causes him to not lash out at Sharpener in this moment. Even though we don’t know if the father is simply worrying about the consequences of his actions, and how to avoid them, or if he actually feels maybe a twinge of regret, this moment was pretty poignant for me.
I think that was about it with SPaG, you did really good. :L)
This certainly was a sad chapter. My only exposure to this fandom is through your stories, and so far I’ve only read the lighter, somewhat fluffier pieces and the one where the grandfather died (sorry, I’m not good at remembering the characters…).
I think I recall Sharpener’s character from the story when the Ox guy married his female friend, and I remember thinking he was another friend in the group, perhaps a little bit of a tease, maybe a jokester. Perhaps I’m mixing characters up, but the point I’m trying to make is I’m excited to see this sort of sidekick, secondary character get some serious screen time. And I hope the relationships with those other people that I thought were his friends help him to get through this really difficult time.
I really liked how you left the knowledge of who these characters are a secret until after we sort of started getting the picture that things with this boy’s mother were not right. It added a bit of suspense to this story, from what I gather from your other stories, some of the other characters are like part time super heroes or police detectives, so with you not telling us who this is happening to, or when, we could almost be tricked into thinking perhaps the Ox kid is going to soar in and help this little boy. And then when his father walks in and says ((Because your mother is dead.” And we find out who this boy is, things become even a little sadder and a little more real. I just really liked that.
I also found the image of Sharpener tucking his bloody and beaten mother in as tragic and perfectly child-like. By that time, I sort of suspected that perhaps his mother was not going to make it, and to think that he slept beside her body for a night… I just really liked that image. (morbid, I know.) To be honest, it was a little like he was burying her in their living room before he even fully realized she was dead.
Anywho, thanks for a really emotionally touching first chapter. Ckorkows
| VStarTraveler chapter 1 . 3/18/2016
March Review Rampage!
Sharpener is faced with a tough life of abuse and has to watch as his father abuses and ultimately kills his mother. The young boy is hopeless, knowing that no one will come to help since they never do, implying the abuse occurs frequently before the final, fateful event. It's a horrible situation and makes the reader feel sad for Sharpener and other children in his situation.
Things keep getting worse but I really like how the young boy recognizes an opportunity and then takes advantage of the situation when it arises. His ability to turn the tables on his father to be able to return to school offered the first sign of hope for the young fellow.
Regarding SPaG, there were a few issues noted, but I'll send that by PM.
Thanks for sharing the story. It will be interesting to see where it goes from here.
| Lady Eleanor Boleyn chapter 1 . 1/17/2015
This really is a horrific background for the poor boy, isn't it? I might be completely canon/fandom blind, but even I can see that...if he is thought to be as popular and rich as you describe in your summary, then it really is a case of a split between the public and the private.
I found the beginning of this really intriguing - for some reason, I was convinced it was the boy who was being beaten, not his mother, which meant the end of the first paragraph was a real twist... ;)
The scene with the little boy doing what he can for his mother and then curling up beside her on the floor is just spine-chilling, because we know, as adult readers, that she's dead, but he doesn't...that realisation, that 'she wasn't...breathing and that worried the little boy a lot', really tugged at my heart...it's so simple, but so revealing all at once...
And then how he compares what happens around him to what he's told is a nice touch too - the bit about the grown men crying even though he's been told that boys don't cry and so on. It proves he's a little boy learning about his world, however horrific his situation may be...
I'll try to read more of this soon, it's been well-written :)
| Puck33 chapter 3 . 1/14/2015
It's getting harder for me to understand this without knowing the fandom. Who is Cell? What are the Cell Games?
Even though I'm not completely sure what's going on, I definitely still love your characters Stapler and Sharpener. They are believable for sure.
Does everyone in this fandom have the names of office supplies? Kind of odd.
It's so sad when he is talking to his mom :(
Wait, I thought that Mrs. Morris died?
The part about the fight at school was my favorite part.
Well done as always, Fee.
| Puck33 chapter 2 . 1/11/2015
I. Freaking. Hate. Clip.
How much of this is canon? I'm so blind, but I'm having no trouble getting through this... It feels almost like it could be completely original.
Poor Sharpener, his protectiveness over Stapler is so sweet.
Your characters are so believable!
Will be reading more. TTFN!
| Puck33 chapter 1 . 1/11/2015
Utterly and completely canon blind.
Fee, I can't tell you how much this one chapter made me FEEL. And honestly, I am not an emotional person. But this...this is so sad. And so real. Very well written. That said, I have spotted a few (very) minor SPaG mechanics errors with commas. PM me if you want more detail on those, but honestly I didn't mind them much because this was so well written.
Thank you for writing this! I'll read more when I have time !
| Persephone99 chapter 11 . 1/21/2012
Very moving. Thank you for posting!
| Gothic-Romantic99 chapter 11 . 11/14/2011
This is a sad alternate storyline to your main story. It was nice to see Vegeta take down that creep. Nice work with the writing. Great work with this story.
| Gothic-Romantic99 chapter 10 . 11/14/2011
This is such a beautiful ending, especially now that he's visiting his mother's grave to tell her all about his life. So cute with pairing him with Erasa. This is a fantastic story.
| Gothic-Romantic99 chapter 9 . 11/14/2011
Such an intense chapter. The part where little Stapler is giving her testimony is so sad. The part about Stapler's mother's rape is a sad moment too. You really brought those stories to life. This is an incredibly sad chapter and well written. Nice job.
| Gothic-Romantic99 chapter 8 . 11/14/2011
What's going to happen to Sharpener now? That's a horrible way for Videl to find out. I wonder if she'll calm down once she knows the truth. Good work with this chapter.
| Gothic-Romantic99 chapter 7 . 11/14/2011
You've done some amazing work with this chapter. It was interesting reading how Gohan was telling Sharpener all about his life. To any normal person it would sound farfetched.
I like how you included Videl's history in this story as well. You managed to make Hercule not look so bad since he took Gohan's glory to make a better life for his daughter. Also, nice job with showing why Videl became friends with Gohan.
It's nice to see that Bulma and Chichi are not going to let the kids return to that awful man. I dare him to try and do anything to Sharpener while Gohan is around.
Good work with this chapter.