|Reviews for Battles in the Stars|
| LeviathanTamer chapter 1 . 9/27/2012
awww that is just a mean cliffhanger
| Badger chapter 1 . 4/27/2012
I've noticed a few spelling mistakes while I was reading this. In the second to last paragraph of your summary, "waisting" should be "wasting". I don't know if you really care about that part, but I decided to point it out in case you do. In paragraph thirteen, sentence four "apart" should be two separate words. In paragraph thirty-seven "dis-tastily" isn't a word, so I would replace that with the phrase "in distaste". The word "Theirs" should be replaced with "There's" in paragraph forty-six, sentence two of Link's dialogue. While I'm already talking about this sentence, I may as well add that the sentence with the "Theirs" misuse should probably be split into two after the word "cab". And in the last sentence of the same paragraph "gaze" should be "gazes". "Ones" should have an apostrophe in sentence three in paragraph sixty-one. In sentence four of paragraph one hundred and thirty I think you meant to use the word "reeks", not "wrecks".
For the grammatical errors, in the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, "The steel doors leading into the bridge open..." the word "open" should be past tense. In the second sentence of the same paragraph at the part "...nor does her comrades..." the word "does" should be "do", because "does" is used for a single subject, while "do" is used for plural. In sentence six of paragraph eight you used a comma as a separator without using a preposition. I think "as" would be the best one to use for this sentence. Or you could replace the comma with a semicolon. Either one would do fine. In paragraph ten, sentence five when the naval officer says, "...the planetary terrain is ragged shaped..." I think that phrase should be changed to "ragged in shape". I'm not sure if it's correct as is or not, but the phrase I suggested seems more appropriate in my personal opinion. Also, when ending a sentence that someone has spoken, it should end like this: "...land the assault ship there," he informed. As I see that you've done this several other times throughout the chapter I'll add this piece of advice: Only end a spoken statement with a period if you're not explaining who's speaking. For example, if you started your sentence or paragraph of dialogue with the officer speaking, then the period would go at the end. The only exception to the sentence before the latter is if the sentence ends in a question mark or exclamation point. Like in the sentence "'Battle stations!' Samus shouted..." of paragraph one hundred twenty-seven, it was written correctly. In the first sentence of paragraph twenty-five would probably be better if it was split into two sentences, ending the first one with "heard" and starting the new one at "despite". The first sentence in paragraph thirty-one also needs to be two sentences, or you could add the preposition "but" before "...he continued...". The same goes for the first sentence of paragraph thirty-eight, but instead of using "but" use "and". In paragraph eighty-two I think that, "I'd rather not dwell on it,..." should end there as a sentence, and the next part be another sentence. On paragraph one hundred and seven, sentence three should be split into three sentences, the first ended after "sighed", and the second ending after "young". Or, you could make it as two sentences and just add the "so" preposition between "young" and "he", and keep the comma there. The first sentence of paragraph one hundred and nine should again be split after the word "projector".
Aside from the grammatical and spelling errors that are spread around, this is VERY well written. You use a various vocabulary, which is really good in a writer, and there is unbelievable imagery and description. It makes it very easy for me to paint a picture clearly in my mind's eye of what is going on in the story. You are definitely one hell of a writer in that approach. I can tell that you think things through deeply before you write about it, which is another excellent quality that you have. Whatever it is that you do when you write, keep doing it, because it seems to work for you. Just brush up on your spelling and grammar, and I hope that you'll only get better from there.
| Zewrovie chapter 1 . 4/6/2012
| hi chapter 1 . 1/19/2012
interesting. I vote link and samus.:)
| BlackXII chapter 1 . 9/19/2011
OH DIS IS BAD! lol Link is in a lot of trouble if he doesn't hurry out of there! nice one again! Look forward to this one.