|Reviews for Familiar and Unfamiliar Summonings|
| Guest chapter 12 . 4/3
Your religion feels 'crammed in', in part because it is a religion from Real Life, in part because you are not very good at interweaving it into the narrative, it feels like an element that distract from the story rather than adding to it. It ruins the immersion
It mostly pops up as part of monologues, which come across as a tad preachy, frankly most of the religious mentions feel superfluous to the story itself. As you say, your christian beliefs, 'come out sometimes', and that is how it feels, something that randomly pops up from time to time.
The one usage that isn't superfluous is the biggest problem in this story, in my opinion.
You used it to create a literal Deus Ex Machina with that angelic visitor, which is very unsatisfying narratively, and I would find it so even if I shared your belief. It takes away agency from the protagonist. You should have read and written enough to know that a poor plot device, even worse an obvious one, can ruin a story.
| Ibskib chapter 10 . 4/3
Not sure what you meant by that?
worded away - warded away
| Ibskib chapter 8 . 4/3
I think an editing error has propped up, last chapter you called him Myoztherin The Mind of God, but now you call him Gandalfr.
I believe that Myoztherin would also be incorrect btw. I think you have remembered it wrong.
Mjöðvitnir is mentioned in the FoZ wiki as being the 'Mind of God' familiar name, but with no citations.
Sheffield's Runes were Myozunitonirun (Miodaitnir), so one of those two are probably correct. Though I'm not familiar enough with canon to know which of the two it is.
| Ibskib chapter 9 . 8/13/2016
A few corrections:
need finds - need funds
also had known what they were doing - also knew what they were doing
(your version felt a bit clumsy, since that's not the tense that expression normally is in)
preybegan - prey began
breathedagain - breathed again
(spacing trouble with bolded words)
| Guest chapter 8 . 8/13/2016
You shouldn't use apostrophes with plurals, for som reason people often make that mistake with family names:
the Zerbst's - the Zerbsts
| rifful chapter 2 . 7/30/2016
haha, this was great. Chamo doing a pactio was classic, and fairs fair, amiright?
| rifful chapter 1 . 7/30/2016
this is a nice vignette. I think you captured the characters pretty well.
| Abandon chapter 12 . 7/15/2016
| Guest chapter 11 . 7/5/2016
meh, bringing up the religion bit ruined it all
| Guest chapter 4 . 7/5/2016
Considering the physical prowess the people of Naruto possesses, nobody would be able to stand against her, either shunshin or just run up to the enemy and they are easily taken out.
| Guest chapter 3 . 7/5/2016
ahh this was great, ive read a story where she summons an acolyte from warcraft and builds an undead army, summoning an army works too.
| Guest chapter 2 . 7/4/2016
i have no idea who this Negi is but this was still hilarious
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/4/2016
Prime such a friendly being of mass destruction.
| Reichtangle chapter 3 . 6/15/2016
PRESS THE ATTACK YOU DOGS! WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY TO DIE!
| SyQadelic chapter 11 . 2/20/2016
"In the last six years, I have been ripped from my homeworld by a group of thugs intent on dominating and corrupting a city. I've fought Werewolves, undead, petty bigots, master wizards, genocidal racists, and maids who stop time to clean. I've been stabbed, shot, impaled, flayed, mind-ripped, put under compulsions, banished, and cursed to lose my power, my ability to think clearly, and even my very body."
Maids who stop time to clean... Is it wrong that I find this the most threatening of all?