|Reviews for New Girls In This Game|
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/6/2012
This sucks fucking ass and u do 2
| Every-Beet-of-My-Heart chapter 1 . 4/6/2012
Why are you writing a Shugo Chara fanfic in the Shuffle! category? And don't you think the characters are a little OOC? I thought that Ikuto and the guardians were a little tense, so why is he at their house?
| Mr.Kokomo chapter 1 . 10/2/2011
Welcome to the site. Since this is your first story, I'm gonna help you out a bit. Here are some problems that I found with it and how you can fix them.
1. I felt that it was moving a bit too fast. I could not visualize what was happening, or the environment they were in properly, the format didn't help either. I would reccomend slowing down the pace a little bit and rework the formating so readers don't get a headache.
2. Who are these characters? In fact, what role do they really play in the Shuffle series? More importantly in this issue is that the behavior and personalities are the same between each other. My reccomendation is to take it easy with the original characters and either bring the OC count to your protagonist, antagonist, and maybe a few side ones, or to be ready to develop all those OC's. Another thing I reccomend is to make the personalities different. This is actually a problem that I encounter with quite a bit of fanfics. A very good example are the characters Sia and Nerine. Sia is more of the happy go lucky type while Nerine is quite a bit more composed and a little more shy. These characters just all just children freaking out in a candy store.
3. The protagonist is something you REALLY need to be careful about. The protagonist feels a little unrealistic... I mean come on... How in the hell is this lady able to cook all that stuff in a matter of minutes. I mean yeah, the time was not completely shown so it could be pointless. Or maybe this lady is a god or demon? I don't know this because the character development doesn't really show here. My reccomendation is to try to REALLY think about what you want to do with the protagonist if you don't want to turn her into the dreaded mary sue. A pretty good example is my OC in one of my stories, Cam Turner. He is shown to be a guy with quite a bit of issues. He can get quite angry, he has nightmares based off of bad memories, he even nearly gets pissed at his own best friend during a scene in one of the chapters. He makes up for these flaws for trying to be kind, he has fun with his hobbies, and he is even trying to learn how to really love. If you want to know why, go read "Second Chance" on my page.
4. Are you going to antagonize the male gendre? Because it kind of feels like you are. So far it seems like the boys who are the ones causing a little bit of a problem in this. I know this is probably a knit pick, but it's the first chapter so I probably shouldn't worry too much.
Well kiddo, that's all I have to say on this. Do the bird in my picture a favor and think about the stuff I said, and hopefully you can do better.