|Reviews for Last Words before my Ascension|
| Tanon chapter 1 . 10/16/2011
Time for some nitpicking. Heh?
"My name is Latios, Guardian of Alto Mare extraordinaire. Or at least, that's what I used to be. [As my superiors in the afterlife have given me a chance to compose a few memoirs and entries regarding my previous life,] I thought I'd reflect on what happened when I was still an energetic legendary Pokémon that watched over his home day and night."
The bit in the brackets don't really seem needed. It's off topic and drags out the introduction.
"but I'm just stressing you to stop taking this so harsh on yourself."
Should be 'so harshly upon yourself'
" Bianca, or Lorenzo-but perhaps" I think a comma would work better than a dash here. The dash is used to signify a break in thoughts, and a movement onto another tangent, but as the two parts separated by the dash are related, I think a comma works better. I mean-we don't write like this-do we?
"I also have myself to blame when it came to light since you had feelings for Ash and I didn't do a thing about it. This was outrageous on my perspective at the start mainly because I don't believe a human and Pokémon can ever become one in a relationship. Add to the fact I didn't even trust him at start only adds to the more reasons to advise you to keep your distance from him."
This has a few grammatic errors in it. How about:
"I also have myself to blame when the fact that you had feelings for Ash came to light, and I didn't do a thing about it. This was outrageous on my behalf, mainly because at the start I didn't believe a human and a pokemon (I don't capitalise it, but each to his own) could ever become one in a relationship. Add that to the fact I that hadn't even begun to trust him, and you might begin to see the reasons why I advised you to keep your distance from him."
Mainly some sentence rearrangement and the swapping of misused words ('perspective' and 'came to light' come to mind).
"wrong in the end, correct?" Are you American? That sounds really American. The fact that you use American spelling is irrelevant as all the spellcheckers use American spelling nowadays. I would have swapped 'correct' with 'wasn't I'.
'changed my heart on the world.' 'Heart' is used wrong here. How about 'views'?
'Unfortunately, it was either you or me to take the sacrifice and it was my job that you were not going to be the one to perish' Messy syntax. How about:
'Unfortunately, either you or me had to sacrifice ourselves and I was never going to let you perish instead of me.'
'I'd observe on him every now and then' The 'on' isn't required.
'treated him like dirt completely,' 'completely' isn't required.
Well, that was certainly a nice read, and I enjoyed it quite a bit.
| Flemderp chapter 1 . 10/16/2011
I loved this. You really showed the relationship between the twins. Nice job!