|Reviews for House of Cards|
| MissDonniex chapter 3 . 11/5/2011
all I can say is wow...such great writing...and you make us the readers feel the pain that Jane is going through...
| deeleigh chapter 3 . 11/5/2011
My heart cannot handle this fix at all, and yet, here I am! It's so...crushing. So horrible and breaking, Heavy. Masterfully written, certainly. It's hard to write something like this, I imagine. And you've done it quite well from both perspective.
Truly an excellent job.
Can't wait for an update!
Also, good like on your NaNowriMo!
| Cyning chapter 1 . 11/4/2011
You use entirely too many ellipses.
An ellipsis, as I'm sure you are aware, is a series of three periods representing an omission of words, such as a pause, or to let a thought go unfinished.
There are 121 ellipses in the first chapter, about 99 in the second, and 73 in the third. That is an unreasonable amount. I'm a bit speechless at the number, really, because why in the world would you need so many ellipses in the first place?
It gets...very hard to...read...with so many...ellipses...clogging up what would...be an otherwise...exquisite...story...
The plot is very interesting, I do love Jane out of his mind, and you really are a talented writer. The language is used well, constructing an excellent visual as well as emotional base. But this is very hard to see through all the ellipses. The language flows beautifully in paragraphs without them. Thoughts drift into one each other and the picture they create is very grounding.
I understand the majority of the ellipses are used in speech, seeing as talking in this story is somewhat difficult (the subject of conversation, I mean. Also, Jane is, indeed, crazy, so his thoughts would be most jolting and speech difficult) but there has got to be another way to represent this. Perhaps omit the repeated words all together because in many places they are unneeded and make the writing sluggish. You could use hyphens for interruptions or cut off or unfinished parts of speech. Even something like ( "Xxx xxxx xxx," he paused. "Xxxxx." ) in place of ( "Xxx xxxx xxx...xxxxx..." )
Another tip: try reading the dialogue out loud, with the pauses and ellipses. It sounds...really weird...don't you...think...?
On an unrelated note, have you tried splitting the chapters into shorter segments? I understand it can be a challenge to break up thoughts neatly, but to read seven thousand words at once is a bit of a handful.
You are a very gifted writer, the Mentalist fandom is proud to have you as a writer, but I do hope the copious amounts of ellipses are limited to this story.
Because really...who wants...to...read...this?
| MerriWyllow chapter 3 . 11/4/2011
I'm not sure I can say anything new about this - fairly sure I've already gone on about how beautiful, and heartbreaking, and heartrending this is. So I'm just saying that again. If I haven't well, then here it is now.
It's beautiful, the love and care Lisbon gives Jane, and Cho, awkward as he is at it, gives both, and Jane craving and fearing it all.
| MissDonniex chapter 2 . 10/18/2011
sorry so late to review your story, but I love it...with hospital in hospital hard to catch up on all the stories
| Psychedelica chapter 2 . 10/18/2011
Wow. WOW. Wow. Really distinctive style, and I was getting really wrapped up in it all. Can't wait until the next part! Thumbs up from Psychedelica! :D
| Dr.Kevorkian chapter 2 . 10/18/2011
Good Lord, you are an amazing author. I was crying through the whole first chapter, very moving. I have heard of the DID theory for Jane and most of the time I write it off as silly, but this is really thought provoking and deep. I know this is gonna be a short story, but it is a very good one, and I can't wait for the next chapter.
| Angel74 chapter 2 . 10/18/2011
Loving the strangeness of this story. Poor Jane! Lisbon doesn't know what she's gotten herself into. One thing... Jane wouldn't have know the story of Desperaux since it wasn't published until he was an adult.
| Guest chapter 2 . 10/17/2011
This made me cry. Beautifully written.
| MerriWyllow chapter 2 . 10/17/2011
Wow. I can't even say how heart-rending this is. Written skillfully, and I am certainly wanting to read the rest of the story.
| xanderseye chapter 2 . 10/17/2011
Beautifully written and very emotional, it made me want to cry. I do love your fics they are always exceptionally well thought out.
| lolly2222 chapter 2 . 10/17/2011
I always love LOVE your stories. They are exceptionally well written and descriptive and they definitely drag the reader through the emotional wringer. The sympathetic but realistically brutal way you tackle abuse and its effects is telling of what a good writer you are. I always have to make sure there are no distractions when I read them. I Can’t wait for the next instalments of your stories.
| SupernaturalFlames chapter 1 . 10/9/2011
Oh wow. That was AMAZING! Please write more soon! :D You wrote everyone perfectly! Once again, great story! :)
| xanderseye chapter 1 . 10/5/2011
Awesome! Looking forward to next update.
| MentalistLover chapter 1 . 10/5/2011
Wow. Based on your A/N, I was ready for some dark stuff. You were right on the money! I am VERY much hoping the show does not go that way; in fact, I would be pretty much devastated if it does! (obsessed much, am I?) I can, however, entertain the idea in a story. And this is a great one you have here. It never ceases to amaze me how you can make us feel Lisbon's pain regarding Jane in all your stories. She literally bleeds for him! :( And Jane's current condition? GAH! I had tears in my eyes the whole time Lisbon was visiting him. And also during his reaction to the DNA results. It is really hard to imagine him reduced to that. I can handle mentally ill Jane, though, just not Red John-Jane! You gave me lots of hope, though, when Lisbon resolved to prove his innocence! I felt like shouting "Yes! Let's do this!" :)