|Reviews for Stargazing|
| MTSP-t chapter 1 . 5/27/2014
I have to say, it took a while to sink in that this was your first fic. It's very well written, better than most first fics.
I can't really comment on the in-character-ness, because I have only just started watching Hetalia. However, I really liked how you used descriptive language, to create vivid imagery. You describe Japan's feelings well, and their interactions so natural. I also liked the way you SHOWED and didn't TELL, which is a mistake a lot of writers make.
... You say you have problems with grammar and spelling? I disagree.
Also, a few tiny nitpicks about dialogue:
1. "China!" Japan said, turning to face the country who addressed him. "What are you doing?"
"...turning to face the country who addressed him" - this sentence is not necessary. I'd just leave it at said if I were you.
2. Sitting down, China explained to Japan that, "..."
This seemed a little awkward to me, but maybe matters of taste. You could put it this way:
China placed himself beside the younger nation. "Hey, I heard you like stargazing before bed," he said. "Do you mind if I join?"
Like I said, it's just a suggestion.
3. "Oh." Japan turned his back to the sky.
It should be: "Oh," Japan said, as he turned his back to the sky. When you close dialogue mid-sentence, you use a comma rather than full-stops.
But that means he would be turning his back away from China who is sitting next to him. Would it make more sense just to turn his head toward China? Again, matters of taste.
Here is a suggestion:
Dialogue is more concise when you break it up early in the sentence. For example,
"Japan, you don't take what's in front of you for granted. You are grateful for what you've got."
This could be changed:
"Japan," China said. "You never take things for granted. You're grateful for what you've got."
It seems more natural and concise when you break dialogue up early in the sentence with "said" and then continue on with the rest of the dialogue.
Anyway, I enjoyed this story. You're a great writer, this has potential. Don't lose hope. Keep writing!
| Hero Of The Hazard chapter 1 . 10/17/2012
[He felt something slide over his hand. He looked down, worried it would be a snake. China had probably been whistling. The fool. Didn't he know that whistling at night attracted snakes?
It wasn't a snake.]
IT WAS A COBRA! *Le gasp*
["China, what are you-"]
The cobra is called China. :P
[China's face broke into a brilliant smile. He invaded Japan's personal space once again, and crushed him in a very strong embrace.
Japan smiled. Although he had been watching the sky very intently, he was sure he'd missed the shooting star that had flown past and granted his wishes.]
| Anonymous chapter 1 . 7/30/2012
I seriously love this one-shot to death. I know it's been here for a while but I never had a chance to review (mainly because I was lazy). I love it how China and Japan are staying so well in-character. This is the first story I had read from you and since that day I'm following you (sorta, I don't have a FF-account). It may sound weird but I think you have this unique kind of writing. I can't say why but something about your writing makes it sort of stand-out? I don't know (IGNORE MY RAMBLING). Anyway... I hope you're going to continue writing fantastic stories! Even though I have no idea if you're reading this. But if you're reading this... Can I request to write another one-shot for this pairing? If you're not to busy of course. However! Enough of my rambling and (please) continue writing fanfics!
P.S. Apologies for my English. It isn't my mother-tongue.
| midorimacchi chapter 1 . 4/16/2012
Wow, this is fantastic! Short, but very sweet. I loved it. :3
| Alice of the Red chapter 1 . 10/8/2011
You know, you should really give yourself more credit. I'll be honest, the minute I read your summary and saw the word "Um", I was thinking, "Oh great, another crap-fic." When I actually read your story, however, I was pleasantly surprised! I'll admit it could use a bit of work, but still, this was prretty damn good. Work harder and I'm sure you'll be an amazing writer!
| yehthatrandomkid chapter 1 . 10/7/2011
Your story is so good, thank you so much .
| speadee chapter 1 . 10/7/2011
Hi! Welcome to FFNet!
Your story is not bad, and I don't find the historical information offensive. You were writing them from the characters' POV though I often think Japan felt bad about Pearl Harbor later.
Good job on the feelings! I felt sorry for Japan, and at times I wonder if he did feel like a 3rd wheel in the Axis. They are friends, but when romance is involved, the uninvolved person will often feel left out. It's true that he and America are opposites, but still friends. However, you mentioned him with England, so it's the same problem again. You described all that well.
There is also Greece, but I don't like Japan paired with Greece. For some reason, it just doesn't seem right to me.
I think there were other countries without lovers, but I guess Japan didn't know them much. I'm glad China was able to forgive Japan for his betrayal, and they ended up together. I understand not wanting to show love in public. Their descriptions of each other was accurate. You showed how well they know each other.