Reviews for An Epic Failure of the Touhou Project (on hiatus)
The NHK Ambassador chapter 19 . 5/28/2013
This has been one wild ride. I was hoping to not get distracted so I could focus on other things but this story just had to draw me in huh? I wonder when the next installment will be..
Tezmanian Typo King chapter 19 . 2/7/2013
I like magnus's speech pattern. All I hear is Richtofen lol
Tezmanian Typo King chapter 1 . 1/26/2013
Oh snap you were not kidding about the similarities. First chapter and I was amused greatly.
Lord Mehtul Bawkes chapter 19 . 7/5/2012
YOUR BACK! PREPARED TO BE ATTACKED BY SENTIENT STRANDS OF HAIR THAT WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!
Ahem...

First off, SPESS LASER! TODAY, WE SHOOT IN SPESS!

KILL MAIN BURN! KILL MAIN BURN! PONIES AND SKULLS!

Frankly, Doctor Wolkenkuckkuckshiem would be more fitting.

DEM FLYING CASTLES! THEY CAN FLY!

Glad to see that you are back and okay.
Guest chapter 19 . 7/5/2012
A good chapter, I enjoyed Gunethre! You need to take care of a few mistakes though.
XT-421 chapter 15 . 4/5/2012
Mr. Sweebtaion,

Hello. My name is XT-421. I am a longtime writer here, and casual reader. I do not play Touhou; my friends do. But, I love Flandre Scarlet with a passion, and most of the Scarlet Devil denizens.

That aside, allow me to begin.

I normally do not write reviews. I am hard to please. Very hard to please. I make it a habit of crushing poorly written fanfictions to smithereens to improve the writing style of those readers whom I read. I also leave reviews for the end of a story, not the middle. (What you need to take out of this is that I don't leave reviews often, and when I do, they are usually pretty harsh.)

But this chapter makes me pause and break my cycle.

So, let's start from the top, shall we? I will now critique everything necessary to get to the point of this chapter.

Originally, I was totally rolling my eyes at you. A near-Gary-Stu of a fanfiction, as if the world needs more, with a totally stereotypical cast: swearing, violence, steampunk, trench-coat and the silver hair, let's not forget that. Then there was a betrayal, and everything was happening really fast with obnoxiously rapid changes in Point of View, and I was dizzy, and about to stop reading.

Then everything stabilized, and I nodded, this was going well. You managed to create an absolutely stellar plot by chapter 3 that was wonderfully crafted and multi-faceted. (In essence, you had a lot of different things going on that were all interesting.)

You had Matt's running away and fight to survive/thrive, Flandre's Capture, and Dan's internal Struggle. (This is all Arc 1, by the way.) All of these stories were well thought out and very funny and executed with enough skill to get the effect off. Well done. I liked how Maria converted Dan, I liked how Rumia struggled a little to "befriend" Matt, I like Matt's steady progression to an extent, and I like Flandre's outgoing reach to make and keep her friends.

I still can't stand the rapid point of view change, but you do stabilize it a lot more in the next Arc, which I agree with.

The transition between Arc 1 and Arc 2 isn't very steady, but it is within logical progression.

(By the way, I absolutely LOVE your "Arc" idea. I am unfamiliar with anime and the like to a large extent, seeing as I've only seen so much, but my stories could REALLY use that divide that is less than a book, more than nothing, longer than a chapter, less than a new installment. So, if I may ask for permission, could I copy?)

The way you do things in this story are amazing. But what about it makes it good, and what keeps it from being great?

I think I may have an answer.

For this story, your continual stream of references and puns keeps the story fresh and lively, making it easy to read for five hours on end (damn you. Been a bit since that had happened to me too. I didn't get my articles for the school newspaper in on time.)

Also, you have a good foundation for a story, which is something many people lack. You have a goal, and you can see the characters working towards it, even though they are also just "living life" together, which allows for hilarity.

What I feel it lacks is a touch, just a touch, of added character, a dash more of length, and a little more focus. (This aside from a general improvement of word choice, and the like, but that will come as you read more books and take more classes and culture yourself.)

Touch more character: Flandre sometimes feels out of character, not as lonely, a little too sane, but, by this point, it is best you keep her as is. DO NOT BE REACTIONARY! DO NOT CHANGE QUICKLY!

Dash more length: Each chapter is a fine length, but if you were to pump into them a little more dialogue, or something. (By this point, I am getting tired, so my coherence and spelling may take a nosedive.)

Little more focus: Stop changing the damn POV. You've gotten better at it, but in the beginning, if it is only about six lines, it is totally not worth it. If you were to shift to third person omniscient instead of first person, that may fix it, but then again, it would've taken away from Sakuya versus the spell card: Ripples of 495 Years.

BUT NOW TO THE POINT!

This chapter. Was. Fucking. Hillarious.

The first ghosts scene wasn't so great. The 3 ghosts of Christmas? Blah, boo hoo. She took the Christmas Tree away, that was pretty funny. BUT THEN HE GOES OFF TO STEAL THE BAD GUYS CHRISTMAS TREE! Totally outrageous, and if he were able to do this so easily, why not just kill them all, BUT THAT MAKES IT FIT PERFECTLY! Why? Because it is WAY too outrageous. Totally beyond the believability factor.

BUT IT GETS BETTER?

Then you take the Grinch, RHYME WELL, and have it tie into the story PERFECTLY! Bravo! Absolutely phenomenal! Remarkable... Well, to be fair, (I don't want you on your high horse too high by the end of this review,) the rhyme totally fell apart and lost its credence by the end of that scene. Regardless, while that scene was occurring, I was laughing a lot harder than I have in a long, long time.

Sir, you truly have my vote. Congratulations.

I am not done with this Arc yet, but, you better get working on this story by the time I get to the end. I am an impatient little firecracker. So, appease me. Write more. Keep writing. Don't stop until your story runs its course.

You will get some more "motivation" by the end of my reading.

Good luck. I hope these next few chapters entertain me as well... for your sake. :)

With respectable regards from my Capital, Rinoco,

~XT-421
Magnus chapter 18 . 3/28/2012
I am liking zis chapter!

I love this fanfic. Thank you for not giving up!
Lord Mehtul Bawkes chapter 18 . 3/14/2012
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BLOOD!

No seriously, I feel sorry for Matt. He's so short, even a German doctor is taller than him.

HE NEED SOME LURVE!

Well, You had 69 reviews. Hint hint.
Ban3 chapter 18 . 3/13/2012
Nice chapter. I enjoyed reading it although I did notice a problem with pronouns.

eg:

Yukari took out her fan, and hid half her face behind it as usual. "Fu-fu-fu-fu-fu! Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag." Yukari chuckled. "I guess I could tell you my plan."



I waited for Yukari to continue, but she wouldn't budge, like a frozen video game. "Well… let's hear it." I waited impatiently. "If you don't tell me why Dan is gone, I'll make you go kyuu!" I threatened.

Yukari dropped her fan back into one of her gaps. After the gap closed, she said: "My my! Someone has a temper! Maybe I won't tell you."

I rose in the air with an insane grin on my face. A six-sided spell circle appeared behind me, and my voice seemed to have 5 different layers. Like it's in G-major**. "TELL ME RIGHT NOW!"

"WHAAAAAH!" Rumia burst into tears again. As she did this, I almost instantaneously dismissed the circle, and flew down to comfort the crying darkness youkai.

Yukari let out a soft giggle, and rolled her eyes. "As I was saying!..." Yukari got our attention. "… Matt refused my offer, so I transported him out of Gensokyo." Yukari calmly stated. Again; there was an awkward silence.

Yukari took out her fan, and hid half her face behind it as usual. "Fu-fu-fu-fu-fu! Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag." The gap lady chuckled. "I guess I could tell you my plan."



I waited for her to continue, but she wouldn't budge, like a frozen video game. "Well… let's hear it." I waited impatiently. "If you don't tell me why Dan is gone, I'll make you go kyuu!" I threatened.

Yukari dropped her fan lazily into one of her gaps. After the gap closed, she looked at me, with mocking eyes; "My my! Someone has a temper! Maybe I won't tell you."

I rose in the air with an insane grin on my face. A six-sided spell circle appeared behind me, and my voice seemed to have 5 different layers. As if in G-major**. "TELL ME RIGHT NOW!"

"WHAAAAAH!" Rumia burst into tears again. As she did this, I almost instantaneously dismissed the circle, and flew down to comfort the crying darkness youkai.

Yukari giggled softly and rolled her eyes. "As I was saying!..." The gap hag got our attention. "… Matt refused my offer, so I transported him out of Gensokyo." Again, with that awkward silence
Ban3 chapter 17 . 2/25/2012
Yes, I really liked Kaimi's appearance :) She behaved perfectly and even her defeat was perfect.

Now the crits:

After both hands "were" finished writing

No need for were here.

The sun rose over the Bolivian mountains as I "came" out of the basement

Not the right word, try "emerged from the" or "exited" or "left the"

Several more silent whirrs were heard as the glass slab moved around, scanning the glass containment center.

Several more silent whirrs punctuated the stillness of my lab as the glass slab moved around, scanning the glass containment center.

Try to cut down on using were and was. Otherwise an excellent chapter, loved seeing Kaimi.

And thanks for mentioning me, I will continue to help you.
Genichiro chapter 17 . 2/23/2012
Whoa, so Matt pissed off Yukari enough to get gapped to a mad man's front door step? Okay. And it turns out said mad man knows Dan, somehow, and likes people who understand machine speak. Well, what's the worst that could happen? Interesting chapter. Didn't see something like this coming up. It'll be fun to see where you go with it, keep it coming
soulja-boi190 chapter 17 . 2/18/2012
Idk, the introduction of dr Magnus seems too sudden. Other than that, I thought it was great!

I like how this fic seems humorous and serious at the same time.

Moar updatez!
Ajskl chapter 17 . 2/18/2012
Insanity is always a great character trait! Plz develop dr Magnus more, he is my new fab character.

Update soon Plz!
Lord Mehtul Bawkes chapter 17 . 2/17/2012
Zat waz a sucessful procedure.

Enjoyable is the only word I can say. Love the new crazy and weird German doctor. Reminds of my tf2 gameplay.

Writers block? ALL MEN, GUN THEM DOWN!

Writers block can be a bitch.

Updatezzzzzz.
Ban3 chapter 16 . 1/10/2012
A nice chapter, Merinda was a short notice character, so I am glad she came out right. Just some minor gripes.

Your adverbs/ adjectives are in the wrong order at times:

she silently said X she said silently

"Well, I don't know. My name is Matthew, but you can call me Matt." Matt cheerfully stated. X

"Well, I don't know. My name is Matthew, but you can call me Matt." Matt stated cheerfully.

It might be better to describe certain conversations in other ways:

"Rumia, I'm not quite sure that's the reason. I put out about as much body heat as a corpse while I sleep." Matt retorted shyly.

Yukari crossed her arms, seemingly annoyed. "Are we going to start yet?" She asked with a hint of impatience.

when describing hair color it sounds better not using the word "color"

had developed a silvery color.

had developed a silvery hue.

Otherwise a great chapter.
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