|Reviews for Something's Going Down In Old Chicago Town|
| majorshane chapter 2 . 3/5
Holy crap more info dumping. The ponds guess that Harry and Thomas are related with just a glance? Captain Jack shares his darkest and most guilt ridden memory with a complete stranger (even a stranger of the spiritual persuasion). My suspension of disbelief is broken. On to another story for me. Ciao
| majorshane chapter 1 . 3/5
'I sat back down and examined the photos that I immediately deduced with my uncanny PI skills she had spread on the table while I was at the bar.'
Or you could have just said: 'I sat back down and examined the photos that she had spread on the table while I was at the bar.'
Dresden files is great for its sarcastic style but your first chapter here is just so sarcastic it's hard to read. A bit of sarcasm is funny, but only when it's contrasted by normal exposition and used where it's not really expected. Your story is just too saturated with the stuff. It literally takes me out of the story.
Why is Harry tracking the box?
1. Elaine doesn't say anything about finding this box. She just says someone got pictures and I'm sorry for your loss. If Harry was already assigned to look into it or I she asked him too off page then cool, it's just not clear.
2. Living in a world with Fae and Vampires and Evil Nickels means Harry and the magical community have a lot to deal with. A blue box that is not giving off black magic signals or hurting or abducting people should not ping the suppernatural communities radar (as something worth investigating). Even if it is appearing around magic users, it doesn't seem to be appearing in front of senior White Council members houses. It's a curiosity perhaps but is there really enough information to categorize it as a threat?
3. Why is Elaine giving pictures to Dresden? Harry seems to think he has a mission to find the box. Why? It's not hurting ppl. He is not being ordered to by Mab or the Council. Elaine didn't ask him too. He wasn't hired by a client to track it down. Why is he so interested?
4. Even with a clear reason to be on the lookout for the box, why Harry? So far it's appeared all over the world (presumably focused around the British isles). Harry's territory is Chicago. That's it. As a Warden at some point I think he was responsible for a good chunk of northern USA. A general 'be on the lookout for...' bulletin to all magic practitioners would make sense. If it was known that the box was travelling through time (violating one of the laws of magic) then all Wardens would be given orders to watch for and detain (or execute) the box and travellers. Even if that was the case, It still doesn't explain why Harry's on a mission to find the thing when it's next appearance could be Brazil or China or mars!
So we have no reason for Harry to seek the box and no reason to think the box is necessarily coming anywhere near Chicago. (This is an easy fix!)
You also have a bit I an info dump problem going on. The blue box is showing up all over the world, Dresden pulls a massive amount of info from looking at a few pictures (you sort of acknowledge this), and then Bob knows exactly what the TARDIS and a timelord is. Any or all 3 of these thing could have started as questions and then gradually been revealed to both Harry and the reader. That would have created mystery. When it's all presented like that then the story stops becoming a story and starts becoming a story outline.
That's my constructive criticism on your first chapter. I love the tonality and plot (except the lack of character motivation) of your story so far! It's clear you put a lot of time and care into this chapter. I'm going to try to read more but if the writing continues like this I might not.
Thanks and keep writing!
| coolcat12345 chapter 1 . 11/27/2014
Awesome. However, Mab shouldn't be so afraid of him, she is above him, probably strong as 6-fold God or Time Queen.
| kyugan chapter 5 . 9/29/2014
Lash is still alive?!
| TTrunks chapter 5 . 8/28/2014
This is cool, I eel the Derdre battle was a bit rushed, but the soul fire healing was cool. Soulfire is best at making things after all.
| InArduisFidelius chapter 5 . 6/25/2014
Wow. What a way to end it. I know you are busy with child of the storm ( which, by the way, I am most of the way through) but it would be really awesome if sometime you could find the time to continue this fic. Please and thank you :)
| mutecebu chapter 2 . 6/16/2014
thanks for the story!
| mutecebu chapter 1 . 6/16/2014
I liked the opening. "An uncharitable person (me) with a suspicious turn of mind (also me)..." - good line. Seeing events through Harry's sarcasm-tinted goggles was good. Room for improvement would be making it a little more clear when changes happen - e.g. when characters change location, when new people show up, etc. For example, if we see a character at location X, then at location Y in a short time later, it can be kind of confusing if we didn't see them leave location X.
| williamfloyd2000 chapter 4 . 5/23/2014
Great story. If you are still writing I hope you decide to pick this one up again. This is my second time reading it and I'm still hoping for loads more.
| bibliophilea chapter 5 . 3/31/2014
I really like this story! Please continue it! Pretty please? Or at least bring it to a point that isn't a gut-wrenching cliff-hanger?
| Guest chapter 5 . 2/23/2014
It's been way too long. Update, please.
| Guest chapter 5 . 11/29/2013
| NoDrogs chapter 5 . 11/28/2013
Neat story; hoping for more. I really liked how you described what Dresden saw of the Doctor et al with the Sight; it's probably a good thing Dresden didn't try looking at the Tardis with the Sight on.
| williamfloyd2000 chapter 5 . 11/4/2013
Come on! That can't be all.
| APa chapter 5 . 8/31/2013
Can't wait for the next chapter! Female voice Lash or TARDIS? I definitely noted the connection the two seemed to have made in a previous chapter.
Other than a few spelling errors, I'd have to say that this fanfic is brilliant so far! [::