|Reviews for Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust|
| candycanelila chapter 1 . 7/16/2013
That was well done and I like it. There are so many ways that people try to say how Saix got his scar, and this is the saddest, mostinteresting, depressing one I've ever seen.
Don't worry, that's means it's good.
ttyl ;- ]
| Xekon chapter 1 . 1/8/2012
I can't see anything wrong with this, and honestly, its my favorite version of this event that ive read so far. Very impressive.
| Raberba girl chapter 1 . 12/21/2011
's gonna try to be smarter for this one...
*ahem* So, this was very good overall, it's a very believable and effective depiction of the fall of Radiant Garden from Lea's POV.
I really didn't like the fact that it had been Lea who cut Isa's face, and it took me a while to figure out why, but I think I get it now. It's because it seems to be so certain that Isa's completely incapacitated, so then you wonder how he managed to break free and run up behind Lea. But if there had seemed to be a chance of Isa getting away, then Lea's failure to look before he attacked would have bothered me. So I'm kind of stuck, I see what's wrong now but I have no suggestions for how to fix it... Sorry! D:
As a more nitpicky note, "dragged under a writhing mass of claws and flesh," do Heartless have flesh? Also, "brushed a loose strand of bright red hair away from his eyes" doesn't seem urgent enough for someone fleeing for his life. Maybe change it to Lea either shoving a lock of hair out of his eyes (I guess his spikes ungelled in all the commotion) or else not having time to pause and do so even though it's hard to see.
"He couldn't take another step, even if he could hear them approaching" Is that because he feels guilty for abandoning Isa? Try to clarify a little. And the part where Lea picks up the shard of glass, I'm sure there'd be lots of shattered glass lying around during the attack, from broken windows and stuff, so mentioning that might sound a little better than Lea randomly finding a single shard of glass on the ground.
"as he heard it scream" There's no period there; was that intentional? If so, a dash might be better.
Technically, you're not supposed to start sentences with "and" or "but," though sometimes it's all right for stylistic purposes. I try to use "yet" or "however" when I can, and only resort to the previous two when I think it's absolutely necessary (in my final drafts, anyway. I'm lazier with my rough drafts ;).
What's the timeline for the last bit with Axel? It's not really necessary, but it'd be nice to know. Also, crying is a huge deal for Nobodies (which I FORGOT when I had Xion in tears over a puppy DX) - Roxas shed a single tear for Xion, and he actually has a heart. With the emotional impact of this story, I can see Axel managing a tear or two over the memory, but not full-out crying.
The "Nobodies to Nobodies" line seemed a little Narmy to me, I think the verse works fine without it, but I really like "Darkness thou art, and unto Darkness thou shalt return."
I think my favorite part was the whole paragraph that starts "Isa had been the first to go. He couldn't even see them tear out his heart, there was far too much blood in his eyes." It just made my heart hurt _so bad_ for Isa, and it was very well described and easy to picture.
I also really like that Isa shouted for Lea to run, and the textual structure of those two lines ("He ran, and his friend died. / In his defense, his friend's last words had been "Lea, get out of here!""). And that Lea takes a stand and fights back for his family and his home and most of all for his best friend's sake. That was cool. And that Lea was kind of punishing himself at the end for accidentally hurting Isa, that was sad and moving.
The absence of that "quickened heartbeat"... *huggles Axel* And I really like that little reminiscence bit with Isa in the top bunk, and the mention of Axel's hands being scarred from that night. Oh, dude, I just realized that we've never SEEN Axel's hands, that could still be canon! :O Nice job on that. Nice job on the whole thing, too!
WELL YOU CERTAINLY GAVE ME A WORKOUT, I don't remember critiquing something that closely since I was in college. But you asked, and this was a good (and short, lol) enough story to where I was willing to put in the effort, with subject matter that I've grown really interested in lately (I'm a new Saix and PlatonicAkuSai fan, thanks to a combination of playing BBS, writing "Christmas at the Castle," and reading the second and third volumes of the manga). Again, great job on this!
| HippiestHop chapter 1 . 10/22/2011
You're right to be proud of this. I'm usually not such a fan of oneshots, because in my opinion it's harder to right a good short story than it is to right a longer one, because you have to fit description, character developement, and plot into 5,000 words. Really great job on this, especially with Lea giving Isa his scar. I hope you write some more!
| green-piggy chapter 1 . 10/12/2011
This is really good! Loved it! :)
I love the way that you describe Lea's feelings. I could really get into this story because of that, you know? ;)
And the way that you made Isa get *that* scar... Loved it. :3
I just love this whole story. You have a very good way to describe things! :D
*Favorites* Keep up the awesome job! _
| MonMonCandie chapter 1 . 10/12/2011
Wow. I think this was a nice read. :) A little on the horror/angst side, but you know what I mean when I say "nice read" right? XD LOL Anyways! I felt really bad for both Lea and Isa. Maybe Lea just a little bit more because he had to watch his best friend die in front of him AND he was the cause of Saix's scar... I actually like the inclusion of that; it makes sense. I don't know why I've never seen that as being the origin of Saix's scar. :P No wonder Axel and Saix aren't friends anymore... -shot- XD But still, I thought it was noble how Isa wanted to protect Lea. Poor guy. :(
For critiques: I didn't see much wrong with your writing. It got to the point. No spelling mistakes. :) I did notice that you missed a period in this sentence: "Lea stopped dead as he heard it scream." Also - and this is my personal opinion since I'm no English major - I think you overused the comma in some sentences. The biggest I saw was this one:
"He dropped the glass. He fell to his knees. His heart almost stopped and he cried and apologized and begged and he was so so sorry, and all the while Isa was on the ground, gritting his teeth in pain and holding his face, right between the eyes."
I feel like the third sentence was sort of run-on even though you used commas. Plus, you were using "and" a lot. I'm assuming you were going with "Lea panicking a lot and couldn't get his thoughts straight," but from a writer's POV, it seemed kinda jumbled together. I think in that instance, you could've used a semi-colon somewhere; preferrably at: "...so so sorry[;] and all the while Isa..." OR you can even start a new sentence there and removing an extra "and" so it looks like this: "...so so the while, Isa..." Like that, there are a few more sentences where the comma was just a bit overused. And since I'm talking about this paragraph, the first and second sentences could be combined to make a longer sentence. :) You'd have to use "and"...but in this case, it would make sense. XD
Something else I noticed was here: "Lea stopped- He couldn't take another step..." The dash line should probably be a double-dash. I see people using the dash and that's okay (I use it too), but I REALLY think it should be double-dashed instead of a single one, but then again, that could just be for aesthetics. This IS fanfiction so writing (asides from the common sense in writing) with things like that shouldn't matter. I guess I'm just a stickler for aesthetics. :P LOL
In any case, I hope this helps if you wanted feedback from a writing perspective. Sorry if this was a long review too. XD Overall, I think this was really good. :) I haven't read a Lea/Isa fic in a while that wasn't romance (since I'm not into slash) so thank you for this.