|Reviews for Swoop Bike Baby|
| Xeno Tyrant chapter 4 . 6/21/2012
would you be so kind as to add more chapters please i want to see what happens to lala when she meets lelane
| Riptor25 chapter 1 . 2/1/2012
I'd like to give a bit of constructive criticism on your story. First off, I really like the premise of the people of this village. Each having a different, unique heartbeat gives them as a species a very Star-Warsy feel to them; being alien without being a god-modded race. However, the way you portray your characters could use some refining. Both Durge and General Grievous act out of character (quite extremely at some times). Durge is a psychopathic killer and not really prone to normal conversations (although his classifying her as a trophy worked well). Grievous, on the other hand, is an extremely arrogant character, not above flaunting his power. He seems more like a third-wheel in some parts of your story, rather than one who feels he is too good to bother with one of his subordinates and his female trinket. Now, while I do understand that Lala is your character, I would like to point out some things that seemed a bit odd about her; namely her reactions. When threatened with a blaster and told to take her clothes off, she is completely defiant to this psychotic 8ft tall killer. Any normal person would have a much more extreme reaction (ranging from crying to fainting to soiling themselves). Her lack of care is borderline mary-sue. This continues on throughout the story. Take the speederbike scene; she is totally defiant of him, calls him names, and takes charge. Having lived with Durge (a psychotic killer who could fly off the handle at any moment and enjoys killing as his favorite passtime) for some time now would probably have clued her into his nature, and make her much more wary around him. Now while I'm in no way telling you to scrap this story, I only suggest you change some of the interactions between characters to make things more realistic and in-character.
| General Maraxus chapter 4 . 12/2/2011
Hmm, is Grievous making a hint at Lala or is he just being polite?
| General Maraxus chapter 1 . 12/2/2011
Dont mess with Grievous
| Anonymous chapter 1 . 10/16/2011
Loving this so far! Can't wait to see what happens next :)