|Reviews for Syrup Suprise|
| Arenarceus chapter 1 . 11/3/2012
The second sentence was a fucking run-on and had too many commas.
If you're going to make a sentence with commas, use a semicolon whenever you can(but don't use it twice in the same paragraph. In fact, use them sparingly and just fucking separate your sentences.)
Ex: The sun was burning so brightly; I felt like the entire continent would be burned away, just like the tales of old.
Basically, if you use two commas, you should be able to take out the part of the sentence between the two commas and it should still make sense. Semicolons are used if you can split a sentence in two, neither becomes a fragment, and the sentences are somehow related.
Most of your I's weren't capitalized.
Every time a new person speaks, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS make a new paragraph. It's like the Cardinal Sin of writing.
"stood in the a syrup coated kitchen," -this makes as much sense as being shoved in a room with a snake and being told to eat it whole. It should be "stood in a syrup-coated kitchen," or "stood in the syrup-covered kitchen." Oh yeah, you also changed tenses from past to present in the same sentence.
"stern yells" - Yells have emotion? What memo did I miss?
Oh, that huge paragraph where Ash/Satoshi talks at first? Fucking make a new one after Ash's talking description.
EX: "Desu-chan saojgagajg" Ash said, eyes sparkling like an animu cartoon.
[New paragraph] Gary agipednl;augenalrjwag.
And if I were Gary/Shigeru and I just walked into my trashed kitchen, I'd be more pissed instead of "sex yay desu!" If you wanted sex with the same meme, I'd suggest Ash/Satoshi trying make-up sex on a pissed-off Gary/Shigeru.
Writers these days.
| Mr.SoujiSeta chapter 1 . 8/21/2012
| Mana-sensei chapter 1 . 4/7/2012
aw i wish there was more :O
| Green Sprout chapter 1 . 11/27/2011
This is more lemonly than lime, since it does contain sex.
But it is a ok drabble ficlet though with my favorite pairing
| Mewachu chapter 1 . 11/16/2011
Very nice x3 You just made my day
| Anonymous Reader chapter 1 . 10/17/2011
Ooh can I request you make a lemon out of this? I'd really enjoy reading it! XD It was pretty good overall but you did forget to capitalize some i's here and there otherwise it was pretty good.
| kyo4 chapter 1 . 10/16/2011
This was so hot and super adorable at the same time :) Satoshi is such a klutz! haha XD but I loved this~~ awesome job~~~