|Reviews for Bargains|
| ariedling chapter 4 . 4/28/2015
this was good hope u add a vir with billies wife
| Guest chapter 4 . 5/30/2014
You have no idea how grateful I am for this! It's amazing. I love this show and Laura Benanti is amazing and ah. I wish you wrote more!
| Guest chapter 4 . 7/6/2012
-really good gets me off fast
| girl chapter 4 . 1/3/2012
this is such a great story dont stop cuz i would like to read more :D
| TrulyBeTold chapter 4 . 12/12/2011
Awesome! Another chapter wonderfully written of course. I agree a lot with what our other reader, Gemini, has to say!
Your dialogue flows very naturally which it something that isn't easy to master, so good work!
Enjoyed the little "I love you" moment at the end. You can still see how Carol-Lynne is trying to be strong and stubborn, true to the original character.
As always, a little Maureen and Nick sprinkled in would be a treat! Thanks for the update, hope to see another soon!
| Gemini Explorer chapter 4 . 12/11/2011
This is really very good, and you know that I consider you a fine writer. You spell and punctuate perfectly, so all I can comment on is the content and the personalities of the couple.
I didn't think that Carol-Lynne got roughed up enough to not be able to unzip her dress or unhook a bra. Apparently, Billy took her panties off at the club, so she wouldn't trip over them. Why not just pull them up? And how did he get them off with her pantyhose still in place? Unless Aussie girls do it otherwise, the panties would be worn under the hose/tights. And Carol-Lynne is American.
And I think she'd remember the gun when Billy saved her. She just seems too shattered for what happened. She'd be scared and maybe have a few bruises, but more?
Still, I can see why she'd prefer to go home with Billy rather than return to her room. He saved her and on some level, she probably senses his growing love. Thinking back to Chapter One, I think she aready knew that she wanted him. She's just so depressed that she doesn't feel that she deserves him, and thought that he only wanted sex. But something in her wants him, even though her own low esteem makes her an easy lay for many men.
The dialogue fits, and develops the characters. I want to see how this progresses. And I want to see Maureen again. I'd like her to bond as friends with C-L. Might they have a lesbian scene, then become lasting friends, whether the gay attraction lasts or not? When will C-L tell Hef, "No!" Will he then fire her, leaving Billy to piece together the shattered remants of her psyche and her heart?
You've made me care about these people. They seem real. Just don't make C-L more of a train wreck than she should be. And let Billy save her, and make her whole.
| TrulyBeTold chapter 3 . 11/29/2011
Ah! YES! A new chapterrr! Made my day. You keep surprising me with how well you are developing these characters. Everyone is getting more and more complex. I like seeing the vulnerable side of Carol-Lynne because it's something that was never show cased in the show. I like that Billy came to her rescue! (thank goodness!) but I can't help but think perhaps Nick will come between the pair, at least momentarily! Great work as usual. Can't wait for another update!
| Gemini Explorer chapter 3 . 11/23/2011
This is really going quite well. I'd make just two changes:
First, where the ladies are talking and Carol-Lynne feels that she is being emotionally assaulted, say "assault" instead of "assail." Or, say "intrusion." I'd probably opt for, "intrusion."
And when Billy saves her from the would-be rapist, the "click of a gun" should be the "click of a gun being cocked." I think that better completes the thought and expresses the action.
Apart from that, I have no suggestions, other than to write the next scene soon! You don't need much help. Dang, this is GOOD! Just give us plenty of Maureen. She's cute! (I looked up images of the characters so that I know who is who.)
| Truly123 chapter 2 . 11/15/2011
Wow! Great piece. You really captured Carol-Lynne character ideally. How she is confident to everyone around her but really she's still scared. It makes her realatable (spelling?) but intriguing. It makes me wonder why she is the way she is.
Also, Maureen at the end is perfect. THANK YOU. Ever since the show got cancelled, I've been dying to hear/see/read more about the show's characters (totally sad it was cancelled considering I was in love with it!). Love the Nick mention as well, way to add tension!
My only suggestion (simply because Maureen & Nick are my personal faves but I'm starting to like Carol-Lynne more and more!) is that to add some more characters into the mix. Carol-lynne was the Bunny Mother so I would only think that she would have more interactions with the other bunnies and such. Plus, it will fulfill my craving for the show. Thanks for another great chapter, I hope to see another update soon.
As usual, wonderful writing and work!
| Gemini Explorer chapter 2 . 11/14/2011
Good gosh! This is getting even better! There is one sentence where you typed "loose" where you need "lose", and it is otherwise perfect!
I like the way you describe the emotions and conflicts of these people. Their shallowness and their attempts to be more humane at times compel the reader to bash on, hoping that despair, cynicism, and the raw thrill of male conquest (and rivalry) will change to true love and the ability to care about others.
Not having seen the show, I'm not sure what some characters look like or how they function. Is Nick any better than Billy, and is Billy actually reaching deep inside his normally vain, chick-chasing persona and CARING about a girl? For more than making another conquest about which he can brag to his pals? To fill his own ego? And if he is, why has he chosen Carol-Lynne, an older girl, for this distinction? What qualities does she have to intrigue him, other than that he likes to think that he's had a broad that Hef has laid first? Or, one who's playing hard to get?
I need to Search somewhere and see what Maureen looks like.
I love the Bunny costumes and the contents. (Happy Face Smilie here.) And I've actually been in two Playboy clubs and can visualize the settings and the staff as well as the members whom I saw. (I was a guest, in college. Wrote the story for the student newspaper.) I also have met several Playmates in more recent times. They were all individuals, but had certain things in common, one being that most felt some guilt or embarrassment in doing what they had. One was afraid that her sorority in a conservatve city might expel her if she appeared in the centerfold before she graduated from college. Another lost a lucrative TV role because of conservative pressure groups. But all felt validated as atractive women by their selection to be a Bunny or a Playmate. I hope that some also felt validated as human beings and as women for other aspects of their lives and the people in them. But their craving for physical appreciation on that scale made them a sisterhood in that regard. And what beautiful woman doesn't like being acknowledged as such? Especially if she has self esteem issues in other areas?
I hope that you can capture this desire for physical affirmation (and you have, so far), while bringing out Maureen's and Carol-Lynne's other qualities. And I hope that Billy (or Nick) turns out to love Carol-Lynne, and gets her, and that she learns to love herself more. Maybe sensing that she is more than a pretty face and a fun indulgence for those guys will make her think about who (and what else) she is. Or needs to become.
You have me fully fascinated with this Bunny tale. Shake that tail some more. I can't wait to see how this turns out...for all of them! Dang! You're a good writer! And this show probably deserved better than it got from the parents' groups and other arch conservatives who got it cancelled so quickly. You are their voice, that of the characters who had so little time to show themselves to us. And I think that you as a writer are doing at least as good a job as the actors did.
More! Or, did I just already hint that I want ...more! PM me when the next scene is posted. I'll be here as fast as I can hit the right keys on the board. And I'm telling a friend or two to get over here and read this.
| Truly123 chapter 1 . 11/13/2011
Hey, I really liked this story! I still can't believe the show got cancelled, I loved it. But, you should definitely write some more Playboy Club fics! Your characterization was spot on. Feel free to write about Bunny Maureen! (she was my favorite!) thanks, and hope to see an update soon!
| Gemini Explorer chapter 1 . 10/22/2011
G'Day! I checked where you're from...(Happy Face Smilie here.)
Hey, I liked this! I was unable to view any of the three or so episodes of the show, as I was away from home and didn'r record. Had no idea that the show would be cancelled so soon.
I admire your ability to set so realistic a scene in what many would see as just a fantasy event. In fact, Playboy's fiction editors would probably reject the tale on that account, as this is one of the things that their guidelines tell writers to avoid: male fantasy gambits that get the protagonist (usually the author in disguise) laid.
Your language skills are well above the average fan fiction writer, and are really quite professional. I encourage you to try writing for profit. I have about 4,000 magazine and newspaper articles in print and am completing my first novel, so that is not an amateurish suggestion. (My fan fiction here is all in the Mature section for, "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World", which was filmed in Queensland, but I gather that the show did not actually appear much in Oz. The board just references the show as, "The Lost World".)
Back to YOUR story...It was quite plausible, considering Billy's hidden feelings and apparent jealousy over Hef going where another man wanted to go before.
That the girl's self esteem has to come from being seen as a desirable sex object will not please feminists, but there are girls like that. I hope that her new relationship will Billy will validate her in other ways, too.
I've read several "inside" looks at the Playboy empire, most recently the account by Izabella St. James, a Polish-Canadian lawyer who spent two years as one of Hef's girlfriends. Her book is, "Bunny Tales." Worth a read, although the reviews on are largely valid in that she repeats some things and tries to make herself seem a cut above most of the other live-in's. But it has excellent insight into what it's like to be one of the Girls Next Door. You might draw on it for background for another Playboy story. You wouldn't be the first to write about a discontinued series!
Overall, your account is a really good one, and you made both Billy and Carol-Lynne seem very real and quite human, especially for people working in that sex-charged environment. You use language very well, and know how to write credible dialogue that reveals the characters as they speak. Frankly, I found this story delightful, and as tasteful as it was erotic.
I hope it won't be your last effort at fiction.
In fact, if Playboy Australia buys fiction, you might give them a try. The U.S. edition and the German, French, and Spanish editions that I've seen do print fiction, and pay well. Alas, they tend to buy from famous authors, but not always. Of course, you wouldn't want to write something that reflected badly on Hef or his empire...
Seriously, I wrote this much here because I really LIKED this story. I'm just sorry that the series was cancelled so soon. Give it another shot. I want to know where Billy and Carol-Lynne go with the new understanding. And just what it may really be!
The sole criticism is that I wasn't quite clear how Billy was "doing" Carol-Lynne. Was she on her back across his desk, him at the edge? If so, it'd add a bit of detail if he'd had to sweep some papers or a calendar aside to make room for her. And, were her legs wrapped around his waist for stability and perhaps other reasons? Paint pictures with your words. (But you did that pretty well, otherwise. And it was interesting to see the tale from a female writer's perspective.)