|Reviews for Envied Mortality|
| Delphina2 chapter 1 . 4/21/2013
This is a response to Riada, since you have chosen to review as a guest - I do hope you read this, and that others will consider what I write.
I CHERISH harsh criticism. I have hoped to convey that over and again in my author's notes... It is how I grow. A few have given it and it has always been helpful, as has yours. I see what you are saying, and will take it into consideration as I move forward. I wish I had received it before I started my major edit. As it is, I will never have time to go and rewrite this now... not with my plans of original work.
I think what makes me the most sad/curious is that there may be others who feel as you do and never bothered or dared to convey it to me.
Those who have reviewed and are very encouraging to point out what they like and those who love the story and favorited it might understand what I am trying to do - or maybe they overlook what you have seen? It is so hard to see. This is why I love being able to private message with a reviewer, if they are open to it, so that I can ask specific questions...
Anyway, thank you for taking the time. Don't ever hold back, please. :)
| Riada chapter 1 . 4/21/2013
I started reading this story (and another of yours) because the blurp seemed promising enough. I must say, writing style, choice of words, grammar and so on are quite pleasant. They seem actually better than in a lot of other stories (however, you mustn't take my judgment on that as absolute, English is not my first language).
However, I am sad to say I will not continue reading your story. The reason is, that I find your female character (in this and the other story) annoying and irritating. You probably want to express through their behaviour that they are deeply troubled and torn (and we are left guessing why...).
As a consequence you have them behaving rashly and stupidly, they constantly 'dash' and 'run' and 'jump up'. They push people away (physically? really?! who on earth does that other than kindergarteners?). Everything they say or do or feel is extreme and without moderation or sense. If I were to meet such a person in real life I would thorougly long to smack them up the head and tell them to pull themselves together. They are spoilt, annoying drama queens with little reason to inflict such antics on their fellow elves and the poor reader!
Anyway, you probably mean to show emotional drama through that, but you only bewilder your readers. You are overdoing it and as a consequence the story has become unenjoyable to read.
I really hope you will write again in the future (would be a shame to lose a dedicated and enthusiastic writer such as you). However, I feel that it would serve your stories well if:
- you explained better and at an earlier point, what troubles the heroine. At the moment we are only shown dramatic, histrionic behaviour, without explanation. For a while it intrigues the reader, but you miss the point where you have to explain, so that your reader can make sense of it. Otherwise he / she will lose interest...
- you toned down the physical expressions of the temper tantrums your heroines throw. You seem to only use verbs of the highest intensity, everything seems rushed, done under a lot of pressure and with wild gesticulation. For short passages in the story that surely is exciting, but after a while (and if one doesn't know why she is running away, again!) it becomes tiring.
- you lessened the frankly unbelievable and annoyingly unreasonable things your heroine does (running in public in a nightgown? Apparently it is in Elven society just as inappropriate as in ours. So why does she do it? Is she not ashamed? Is there a life- threatening emergency? We are given no explanation). Then ripping her silk nightgown (who on earth runs through a thorny shrubbery without need? Why does she not spend a moments thought on the trouble it will bring?) Then she comes on rather strongly towards a poor elf (harrasses him?). Anyway, that does not make her seem very likeable and really rather troubled (I think of a poor, confused, bratty, premature lolita that ruins her teachers reputation and her own... ). We learn that all the commotion was to get breakfast for her sister, only for the elleth then to break a promise (without real reason, stupid bint!)...
It just does make very little sense. Remember, you are supposed to make the reader like the main figure of the story!
So, anyway, I hope you won't be cross with me for critisizing so much. I myself haven't written any stories, yet, so you can keep anything I said with a grain of salt. I really congratulate you on your courage. Keep writing!
| Vashti chapter 24 . 9/24/2012
I've been reading this straight through for the last few days, and I really enjoyed it. I had read HesrtSong some time ago (sorry if I haven't reviewed!) and so is nice to see the extended family's continuing story. Overall, I like the decisions you made and the places you took the characters. Lien in the last few scenes became somewhat unbelievable in her choices and then saccharine in her affect. However, I really like Rumil's and Dari's continuing relationship as eel add Elienne's general feeling about elven death. I'm glad I read.
| bored-now0809 chapter 23 . 8/6/2012
Amazing! I love your stuff! It totally kept me up at all hours because I just could not stop reading. I would love anything else that you would like to write about Middle Earth!
| AlickyNicholas chapter 23 . 8/5/2012
I have loved every word of this story. I was prepared for Haldir, but not for Dari. I'm a bit miffed at you about that. But I was delighted to see that you've got more to tell about Muriel. I can't wait to read that one next, and the Untitled story when you're ready to share it.
And I would just *love* to see what happens between Liendriel and the Armani prince! :)
You're a great writer. Best of luck with your original piece! :)
| AlwayzWriting chapter 24 . 6/8/2012
Aww I thought I was going to cry.
| LadyForrest chapter 1 . 4/12/2012
What a treat to have a sequal! Looking forward to catching up on my reading here! Thanks~
| hopefuladdict chapter 24 . 4/4/2012
I stayed with this story until the end. You are a gifted writer, Heartsong is proof of it. And I enjoy reading everything from fluff to angst so I was looking forward to this offering from you.
There were beautiful moments scattered here and there throughout EM but unfortunately the story as a whole lacked a sense of flow and momentum. Oftentimes it felt to me as if I was reading random oneshots from the Heartsong universe instead of a cohesive story. Even moments I believe were written to be lighthearted felt tedious due to dialog that was cumbersome.
Though ultimately I personally don't care for your vision of who Tolkien's elves were (your elves penchant for long winded eludication in ALL things although only manifesting itself toward the end of Heartsong was a constant drag on this story) and how they lived, I can see this story being a much more enjoyable read for those readers who did agree with your vision with streamlining.
Best of luck in your future endeavors. I look forward to more stories from you.
| Glory Bee chapter 24 . 4/4/2012
Thanks so much Delphina for completing this despite the lack of encouragement you received while writing it. You are a good storyteller and that kept me reading. I very much would like to read about the twins and their stories. Perhaps if you post the sequel with Legolas as the main character more readers will find it. And then maybe they will go back and read Heartsong and this.
I found this a sad chapter, while I was prepared for Haldir, I was not prepared for Dari. :( I hope in your sequel you will end it with all of the elves being in Valinor.
I did like you talking about the Song of Eru in this chapter, also how you managed for Haldir and Lien to meet each other which gave closure to their relationship. There were more typos than usual the most notable being Uruk-hai which was repeated. Perhaps when you tweak your stories some day those things can be fixed. :)
| Glory Bee chapter 23 . 4/1/2012
A nice long and meaty chapter! What a beautiful and healing bonding for Dari and Rumil, very nicely written! Glad to see that Haldir has given permission to Legolas to wed Lien when the time comes, as it seems apparent that he realizes he is not going to be returning to Lorien. :(
| Glory Bee chapter 22 . 3/28/2012
Legolas must have been shaking in his boots to have to face Haldir again. I see some wisdom coming to Haldir finally, glad he has confessed his banishment to Lien, do hope father/daughter reconcile before he goes off to Helm's Deep, definitely some foreshadowing there.
| Glory Bee chapter 21 . 3/24/2012
You really covered a lot of ground in this chapter Delphina. WOW! Poor Eomer is rather a boor in this, hopefully his nobility will catch up with him in the next. :) I feel sad for Rumil finally hearing just what the catalyst for his deep emotional trauma was. Dari is really maturing. :) I do hope you will not kill off Haldir, as it sounds like you are going to send the elves to Helm's Deep.
| Glory Bee chapter 20 . 3/18/2012
A lot transpired in this chapter, I went from sadness at Elendel's parents being turned into orcs to outright laughter at "You are interrupting Legolas' gift. I am showing him how much I love him." Sweet innocent elfling that she is. Not sure whether Legolas or her ada was more surprised by that particular birthday gift. There were also lots of other meaningful moments like the long buried family secrets Muriel was spilling out one right after another. lol
| Glory Bee chapter 19 . 3/13/2012
I was happy to see Feldor and Gwen bind but I am confused about why that suddenly makes Feldor mortal?
| Glory Bee chapter 18 . 3/9/2012
A very meaty chapter, lots happening, I am glad that Dari and Legolas have resolved their issues. I see a lot of personal growth in Dari :) I was very moved by Feldor stating that he loved Eomer, that was very touching.