|Reviews for Awakened|
| GPEGVPIOSH UILS chapter 7 . 7/10/2012
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| HitiGamer chapter 8 . 3/16/2012
Now. The secret of the Pokéball is finally revealed! xD Well it is a good explanation on it...
As always, i is agood story, I like it a lot. *Thumbs-up*
| HitiGamer chapter 6 . 3/16/2012
Goodies are raining everywhere!
I found a single typo:
"Of coarse, go down the hall and it's the third room on your left."
A good story worth to follow.
| HitiGamer chapter 4 . 3/16/2012
I 3 these chapters!
Not much more to say.
Good story, good layout.
What else is needed? D
| HitiGamer chapter 2 . 3/15/2012
This certainly got interesting...
Thou the chapters is a bit short I love them! 3
| Ryu Dragonclaw chapter 9 . 1/1/2012
Interesting depiction of a pokeball. Chap was kida short, but I'm not one to complain about that since I do short chapters sometime. _L
Still with the same thing I've said in my past reviews.
| Ryu Dragonclaw chapter 8 . 12/6/2011
Nice chap! Kinda disapointing though.
Again with the dialouge thing. You should start a new paragraph when a new character talks. I'm assuming either english isn't your first language, you don't live in the US, Or you're not in high school yet. If you did that in a high school language arts class in the US, you'd fail the class.
You should check over your work. There were so many obvious mistakes. They made it hard to understand.
Like when you wrote: "I have only recently in your time that there is a way for you to return to human while keeping your ability it understand pokemon." only recently in your time? Shouldn't in your time be found out that? That sentence make no sence and is wrong. There should be a verb there.
Also this story is really fast paced. Also your writing isn't very descriptive at all. Most of your paragraphs you could write and entire chapter on. like you just said she went in the cave and then later found Mewtwo. You should have written her traveling through her cave and explained how her senses went into overdrive. That is something I had a problem with when I began writing, but I fixed it.
And things are just so convinient, like when Justin got the ability to understang pokemon like that. Such convienience makes the story boring.
"Sabre did respond,but with a remark that would get me kicked off the site." You should never refer to yourself in yourself in the story. Or the the site in the way you did it for that matter.
Also, you should listen to your reviewers. If you don't, your writing won't get better, and it is really annoying for readers to see the same mistakes over and over again, when they've been pointed out a bunch of times.
Sorry if it's harsh, but it's true.
| aetswjukitres chapter 8 . 12/4/2011
D I'm kind of confused. I got mixed up on who was who...
| Ryu Dragonclaw chapter 7 . 12/2/2011
Awesome chapter! I found some parts amusing. _ You should start a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks though. It's kinda wierd that they all know things like when Justin could tell what sabre was saying. Also In my oppinion it's also a little fast paced. Overall, good chapter though!
| Tanon chapter 2 . 12/2/2011
I'm only going to talk about the first paragraph of your fic, because that needs to be fixed up before we continue. Why? Because currently, it sets a bad first impression. I don't even want to continue reading on just because of those first few sentences, and also because of the depressingly short first chapter. I looked ahead, and your next two, while longer, could easily be bunched into one decently long chapter.
Okay. Let's deconstruct. Before I begin, I'm going to say that everything I'm about to say is criticism. If you're a writer who can't stomach criticism, then block me and read no further.
'My name is Sabrena Bladewealth'. To be honest, a name like this just smacks of Sueish-ness. 'Blade' implies someone who is good with a blade (duh), and 'wealth' implies money. These just happen to be two traits of a Mary Sue, not to mention that it's extremely stupid to have a surname like that because you wrote the surname based on your character's apparent personality (this is assumed). How is this stupid?
Well, do your parents wait until you're 15 before giving you a surname? Case in point. Anyway, it seems overly pretentious to say that you're good at fighting in your name.
'Though most people call me Sabre for short on an account of my skills in combat.' Firstly, some grammatic mistakes. You're missing a comma after 'short' and 'an' isn't needed. You'd write this sentence like so (I just ommited the 'for short'):
'...though most people just call me Sabre, on account of my skills in combat.'
Seriously. So her last name is totally unbelievable, and while her first name just seemed to be a misspelling of 'Sabrina', I just passed it off as something that authors like to do. But seriously? Giving her a nickname that fits in perfectly with her first and last names, and advertises her skill in combat? Sue, Sue, and impossible naming method.
'I am a Ruin Raider.' Nothing wrong here. XD
'My job is to find the trasures [sic] of lost civalizations [sic] and bring them to the many musuems [sic] of the word [sic].' Yo dawg, I heard you like bad spelling, so I... SERIOUSLY. Have you heard of SPELLCHECK? I don't care what processor you use, even if it's Notepad, because all you have to do is download Google Chrome, which has a spellchecker bundled with it. It's not perfect, and it wouldn't have picked up the confusion between 'word' and 'world'. This is one reason why I'm being so harsh. There is absolutely NO excuse for bad spelling in a fic, because it's so easy to correct. I'd understand bad grammar, but four spelling errors (all of which were easily detectable) in ONE sentence is just ridiculous. 'Treasures' instead of 'trasures', 'civilisations' or 'civilizations' instead of 'civalizations', 'museums' instead of 'musuems' and 'world' instead of 'word'. Seriously, have you heard of phonetics? How does 'musuems' sound like 'museums'?
Onto what her job actually entails. So she's some treasure hunter , huh? One that gives away all her loot? Very noble and Sueish. Not to mention that you're assuming that one person can randomly wander the world and chance upon a lost civilisation whenever it suits the plot and find treasures of untold importance and wealth. Yeah. Totally.
Do you know what your character is? A female-ninja-Indiana Jones. Oh, and she's rich. And has friends stupid enough to call her 'Sabre'. How many people have you called 'Sabre', huh? Even if you met a professional fencer, and became friends with him/her, by no stretch of the imagination would you start calling him/her 'Sabre'. It's stupid.
'I have decided to keep a journal as a reminder of my deeds.' This sentence is completely unnecessary. The fact that this story is being told in first person makes a statement like this totally useless.
Still reading? Well, I'm impressed. Everything I've said is true, and if your first few sentences smack so badly of a badly designed character, then you have little hope of getting many prospective readers to start your story. Only the most tolerant will actually attempt to start your story.
Have a nice day.
| aetswjukitres chapter 7 . 12/1/2011
Epic chapter. Can't wait to see how it goes.
O god this isn't helping me do my homework I just realized I got sidetracked again...
| Ryu Dragonclaw chapter 6 . 11/20/2011
Awesome chapter! There are some grammer mistakes that get in the way of reading it though. Do you check over your work after you read it?
| coloredraininlives chapter 6 . 11/18/2011
nice chapter! Can't wait to see how the story progresses!
| Ryu Dragonclaw chapter 5 . 11/12/2011
Awesome chapter! The backstory was interesting. I'm guessing the cloaked figures represent the types? Cause there are 18 types if you include the ? type. I would recomend using line breaks to seperate your authors notes from the story too.
| coloredraininlives chapter 5 . 11/12/2011
Nice chapter! I can't wait what happens next!