|Reviews for Corey's story of FEAR|
| PersonaUserOrpheus3245 chapter 1 . 10h
No one wants to read about your stupid self-insert.
| Alardem chapter 1 . 11/5/2011
I'll be completely blunt here:
Don't write the whole thing in italics. Remove the italics and the text will be readable.
Why on earth are names and "FEAR" capitalized? It's not clever, and it makes me wonder if A.L.M.A. is an acronym for something.
I don't understand what's going on here. Things go back and forth, and I have no clue who on earth the protagonist is. Alma spent the greater part of her life, between the ages 8 and 26, floating in a frickin' underground coffin before being left to starve to death. THAT's why she manifested as a child in the first game - she didn't have clear enough memories of her adult body to appear as such.
The dialogue is absurdly verbose. I have no clue when the story's set or how old the characters are. Corey flip-flops between describing Alma as evil at birth and calling her innocent. The protagonist's father has no presence, for some bizarre reason.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the idea of Alma having a sibling. It's just that this story is just too confusing to follow.