mikapark217 chapter 1 . 6/2/2017
I love this story...
Hana Hikaru chapter 1 . 11/20/2011
Since you asked, I will give. :) Here is a review with pointers, and praise.

You've got a good length. Lemons that are "one shots" are hard to do if they're under a certain word limit like 3,000 words. I knew right from the start that if this ere a "one shot" it would have plot.

You didn't disappoint.

The plot structure also has a good cadence. There were clear defined characters, a lead to a problem, the insecurity, the solution to the problem, and then the aftereffect benefits. All of this was good. As a writer, I always suggest to keep practicing; finding new description verbs, working your words to make them unique to your style, shifting sentences and phrases to create a different piece each time, using your grammar to cause interesting breaks in speech cadence et cetera. However, that's simply because I'm a writer, and I understand that no one can be perfect - what you wrote was fairly good, I enjoyed it, and that' really all that counts. :)

The pointer I would give has to do with your formatting. A note: there is not "normal" POV. A point of view simply determines how much of every character the reader can know. If there HAD to be a "normal" POV, it would be third person omniscient, where the reader was able to understand and see the movements, thoughts, and interactions with EVERYTHING.

Since you insist on this being first person [no harm there, I'm not saying that's wrong] there cannot be a "normal" POV.

Here's what I suggest: Try putting line breakers in the text instead of the authors note "Tezuka's POV". You're correct in assuming the story could not possibly be followed without some sort of break in the text to signify a change in narrative style. However, a more fluid application is the line breakers, instead of an Author's interjection.

Anyways, Keep writing!

Much Obliged,

Hana Hikru
Seishirou Hitsugaya chapter 1 . 11/5/2011
Iyah~! I'm so happy! Recently there aren't much author Mrated for TezukaFuji, so I'm so happy you wrote this fic! Thanks a bunch! I really like the sex part! By the way, how many times they are doing it? If there aren't any hidden ones in the sentence, it was 5 times. How many times exactly did they make love?

Oh yeah, make another story okay, want more of TezukaFuji, esp the M-rated one!