|Reviews for 1 Dreams of Paradise|
| NerDeath chapter 2 . 11/3
Just one question because i'm kind a lost. A OC first was human, then 'normal rabbit' and then she was rabit youkai in human form like Reisen?
| Mysterioustgexpert chapter 93 . 8/17
Beetle, I officialy dub thy Jiraya.
| stylus legna chapter 139 . 7/12/2014
NOOOO, Giant Unnamed Catfish! Many tears were shed this day.
That being said, good job on this monster of a fic, having one of the best (and one of the only) female OC characters in Touhou fanfics on this site. Despite the huge number of plot lines and sometimes spotty grammar, this has been an enjoyable read. Thanks for your hard work!
| Taeniaea chapter 139 . 5/30/2014
| Boomblox5896 chapter 3 . 1/18/2014
This kind of stuff's a bit crazy, to be honest. I think it's just my serious side saying that since that's the kind of stuff I tend to like better.
| Jkskjdjnsm chapter 73 . 11/10/2013
I ain't reading all those chapters, you crazy?! Also I don't even know whose point of view it is.. Kinda boring. But that just might be me.
| DschingisKhan chapter 139 . 10/20/2013
Well, I certainly don't envy you the task of editing all that! In a way this is the very essence of fanfiction. It's meandering, amateur, self-aware, ships like mad, and is thoroughly unapologetic about any of it. To be clear, I don't mean that as a bad thing- it's actually kind of charming. I mean, I managed to read this far, right? I was entertained; from what I recall, little of the character interaction followed common fanon even as you leaned on common fan interpretations of the base character. You captured some of the absurdity of youkai life, as well. I'll...just overlook the part where everyone is a sex-crazed lesbian.
But dear me, no, I suspect you'll be carrying out edits for quite some time. A few things in particular stand out that I'd like to mention:
1. You've chosen first-person and shift perspectives often. This is difficult top read in general, but it's made worse when it's unclear who "I" am. Make sure that's never in question after the first sentence or two of any scene. You gradually became better at this, but it's still worth mentioning.
2. In the vein of the above, you have some truly awkward constructions where you lapse into a sort of passive third-person within a scene. Definitely axe that with extreme prejudice. If you're going to write in the first-person, own it. Run with it and be true to it. Anything else and it's just confusing.
3. Building on the second, look for places where you describe what a character does and see if you can turn plain language into interesting language. An example on-hand:
"Mima tried to stop them, but eventually ended up giving up, while Flan cheered for Marisa, even if she was reletively sure she wouldn't win by this point."
Perhaps you've heard the maxim of "show, don't tell"? Remember, in the first-person, too. So it might be something like this:
"I had completely tuned out Mima's attempts to stop the fight and Flandre's cheering until we were startled back to reality by Marisa landing in a drift right next to us."
That's not a very good reworking (forgive me, it's late), but it hopefully gets the point across.
4. Just to make sure, you've got a spell-checker now, right? Not that I don't think you know this, but it's an important tool. Use it!
5. You have a lot of threads going at any one time, but it's even harder to follow when you jump around in the timeline often. You may want to consider reordering chapters to get various subplots more evenly interleaved. Depends on how much you want to do, I guess.
Anyway, hope that helps!
| Twilight-Lloyd chapter 9 . 8/27/2013
I expected her to be filming that
| Feng Lengshun chapter 4 . 8/25/2013
Sigh, more fanservice shits... it's stupid. First of all, for heaven sake, they're centuries-years old. Why the hell do they act like some little kid? Not to mention this Yuuka... I hate this kinds of portrayal of her. There's nothing in canon that supports it other than that PMiSS which isn't something to base characters on. She only teases and she once made an incident but just that and no more.
And I have a feeling that it will take a while for me to get to the plot...
| Feng Lengshun chapter 3 . 8/25/2013
So, I was assigned to this fic as part of the post-Diamond in the Rough Gappy Fic Case Study. So far, it isn't really entertaining but it might change in the future, I don't know. The story is taking quite some liberties from Touhou canon and it is liberties I don't really like too, that is the Yukari and the Ran.
Yukari is... well, not as 'Yukari' as she should be. She's being a little idiot that she should be. Yukari should be a Gensokyo-loving manipulative chess master well-intentioned extremist who imports outsiders for food. Haven't seen any of those traits for now and all I have seen she's being a little stupid. Also, she whacks Ran for punishment as shown in one of Aya's article for disciplining. Ran is a little too perverted. She has no time to coddle and squeal over her Chen when she's busy running Yukari's errands and managing the house.
Overall, still not interesting but since this is your first fic's first few chapters, I can tolerate it for now. That said, the humor hasn't really been that funny and the chapters has been somewhat empty in plot however.
| kattycha01 chapter 135 . 5/28/2013
Now, For those who think Koishi is a bitch. Think for a minute. We all, subconsiously, are that unpleasant. Our consient mind act as a buffer.
| kattycha01 chapter 133 . 5/28/2013
Yeouch! You made Sanae quite the psycho. Even by Gensokyo standers. Heck, Not even Okuu was that insane whe she ate the Yatagarasu.
| kattycha01 chapter 53 . 5/27/2013
| HarryEyeball chapter 139 . 3/7/2013
| Zap797 chapter 139 . 2/8/2013
Well, I finally got around to finishing this. And I only have this to say. MindBlown!
So much shenanigans happening, most of it making me laugh. And a plot twist around nearly every corner! I really enjoyed reading this! Very good work!