|Reviews for The Dreaming|
| Elven Silver Power Ranger chapter 21 . 6/3/2013
loved this story, vieri gave me the creeps thou!
| Chaos Invoker chapter 1 . 3/14/2013
I've only just finished reading the first chapter, and the story seems pretty decent so far.
Personally I'm not very comfortable with long paragraphs and walls of text, but that's just me. You write well enough to help me overlook that discomfort, which helped a lot. That said, it might be helpful were you to keep paragraphs at reasonable lengths so as to avoid scaring away more cautious readers.
Btw, I'm a Filipino, just like you. We could continue this convo over PM if you'd prefer, I'd be able to give you much more comprehensive feedback that way.
| JinxH chapter 21 . 12/27/2012
It is certainly one of a kind. This is a very enjoyable read, thank you.
| farewelljazzs chapter 21 . 10/15/2012
Wow! I really enjoyed reading this. Beyond the characters - it was the attention to detail that completely had me. From the adornment of little pearls to the mention of food at Christmas time. That detail enriched this so much. I really can't wait for the next part - in addition to anything you write next!
| UrbanJediRookie chapter 21 . 6/29/2012
She...Just... Left him... Without saying goodbye? that's so sad!
| x-Hallelujah-x chapter 16 . 6/26/2012
I know it's a little bit odd for me to review on chapter 16. I've run out of time to read any further as yet but I do intend to return to it at the earliest possible opportunity.
I want to say first that I do love the story and it's development so far. At times I have found myself reading through tears and it is difficult to make me cry so I have to congratulate you for that. I have got a few critiques to mention but I do not intend for this to come across as harsh, mean or anything of the sort. I've just got a few points for improvement.
First I found that some events happened extremely abruptly within the course of the story and that kind of upset the flow. It seemed a little bit blocky in places. For example, when Serafina met Ezio and their romance just suddenly happened I found it unrealistic. I thought that since her sister Viola had had a liaison with Ezio previously, Serafina should have maybe put up more of a resistance. That can be explained away by Serafina's innocence (an element of her personality which did not strike me until much later) but her maid's compliance with the entire thing without even trying to stop her mistress was a little too unrealistic for my liking. In the renaissance the reputation of a lady of high birth was valuable (likely in the material sense) and would have been rigorously protected. Granted discreet hidden liaisons weren't uncommon. In later chapters I found that the story began to flow a lot better than before, so I'm guessing it was perhaps just that bit which caused a few issues.
The only other issue I have is that there is a consistent language problem throughout. I don't really know if I can explain this properly but sometimes you use words like 'walk' when the word should have been 'walked' or 'finish' when it should have been 'finished' ect. Sometimes the wording of sentences is also very confusing. I sometimes don't realise what has happened in a particular place until a few paragraphs later and even then it's largely guess work and assumptions about what you actually meant to write which gets me through.
Personally I walk away from my work, possibly for a few days and sometimes for a few months, then review it over and over again to try to iron out the wrinkles, so to speak. My work is far from perfect though, can't emphasise that enough. I'm far to shy to give my work to anyone to proof read so I manage as best I can without that lol.
So basically brilliant story. I absolutely love it. As with every writer out there, you have room for improvement but the plot and general characters are excellent.
| AkatsukiShizu3 chapter 21 . 3/13/2012
This was such a pleasing story to read, you did excellent. Utterly superb! Will there be a sequel? By God I do hope so Serafina and Ezio are a applaudable couple I enjoyed the whole story very much it reminded me much of Romeo and Juilet in a fashion though it had a very different ending either way it was great and it was a great pleasure reading your story
| LoneWolfOfAForgottenForest chapter 21 . 3/7/2012
Wow the end of Volume one? I can't believe it. When is the next volume coming out?
| Hanagumo chapter 21 . 3/5/2012
You've been rewriting the Affair for how many times, but you never had the chance, because you want a more modern story.
But we can wait :)
For the first time you finished a story. Anyways, are you really going to post that Borgia story? I like the Mafia one better. The Affair can wait! GO MODERN.
| reader chapter 1 . 3/3/2012
I saw that you revised your story and edited it, which is great. However, that made a few errors pop out more since I was able to notice them. Now this is not meant to be mean at all, but rather critical. I usually wouldn't go out of my way to say anything, since I don't particularly write myself, but by rewriting a story and looking for ways to improve your writing, it seemed that I might offer some advice. Taken from the first paragraph-
"It had been a hot summer evening on the tenth day of Giugno. The air does not move. Some of the citizens yearned for a refreshing glass of water or a cool cloth to press against their sweating face. But for Alba, the summer nights put her into a trance, sets her gazing into the night from her window of the bordello."
Too wordy to start- "It was" would suffice. Tenses need to be fixed as well, since it goes from past participle to present "the air does not move". Plurals- "some citizens yearned" (plural) "against their sweating face" (singular). General confusion, with more tense problems: "nights put her into a trance"... "sets her gazing". Similar mistakes continue throughout.
A possible rewritten version: (given, I picked a tense since there were so many used throughout)
It was a hot summer evening on the tenth of Giugno: even the air stood still. While most citizens alleviated the searing heat with refreshing water for their parched throats, or cool cloths for their sweating faces, not all felt awry with the night. Gazing through the window of the bordello, Alba sat in a trance. (Being Descriptive)
The tenth of Giugno- a day when even the air stood still. Although some citizens suffered through the night's heat, Alba sat entranced, gazing through the window of the bordello. (Being minimalistic)
Personally I prefer a minimalistic approach to writing, since an excess of description not only bores, but impedes the flow of the plot. Although description is a key element to any narrative, it best serves to assist from the background. Rather than a paragraph of detail followed by a sentence of plot, provide detail within a paragraph of plot. Within the example I gave, I turned 4 sentences into 2, and increased the flow. The reader still senses the conditions of the day, and Alba's introduction is less abrupt.
Note, I don't claim to be any kind of expert writer, nor do I want to put you down. I simply wanted to offer some advice, since you seemed interested. The plot of your story seems very intriguing and interesting, so we know it has power under the hood, we just have to give it a paint job and some new tires to match.
| LoneWolfOfAForgottenForest chapter 20 . 2/25/2012
Wow this chapter is so insightful into Serafina and Ezio's feelings. I wonder if he will ever be able to love just one woman?
| LoneWolfOfAForgottenForest chapter 19 . 2/25/2012
You have a secret crush on Vieri? So sweet :)
Another great chapter.
| Hanagumo chapter 20 . 2/13/2012
TOO. DAMN. SHORT.
NOW LEMME REST ON YOUR BOSOM
| LoneWolfOfAForgottenForest chapter 18 . 2/4/2012
Great chapter. I love how tense things are getting between Serafina and Ezio. Poor Vieri was stabbed...oh I didn't like him too much.
| LoneWolfOfAForgottenForest chapter 17 . 2/4/2012
Vieri is back. And so the plot thickens :)