|Reviews for You Belong with Me|
| KawiiPie2468 chapter 5 . 10/28/2012
I love it! Its funny and cute! Ness x Lucas Forever 0(3)0
| PsychicDash chapter 5 . 7/21/2012
WHY HAVEN'T I REVIEWED THIS YET? OMG... dude, THIS IS AMAZING! And one of my very favorite stories! :DDDD
| Starzzu chapter 1 . 7/19/2012
This is one of my favorites NessXLucas fictions out there! I read this a long time ago, then came back and favorited it, then came back to leave a review! I feel bad that I didn't already. I thought I did, but I guess I was wrong. Sometimes I'm so dumb.
Anyways, I like how you made Paula be an enemy in this story. Truth be told, I don't like that girl. Don't know why, don't care why. So when Lucas burned off her hair, I was ROFLMFAO!
I also liked how Lucas had this giant crush on Ness, but Ness wouldn't question any of his actions. The part where Lucas sighed then Ness sighed seemed totally legit. Seriously, it's so obvious Ness would do something like that.
All 'n all, IT WAS GREAT!
| roseal chapter 5 . 5/22/2012
:3 so adorable! Now that that's done we can go onto the next problem, how to get Lucas out of his abusive dads home!
| The Great Chicken Miasma chapter 1 . 12/6/2011
Ooh, sweet! You put this up! I'm LuigiWithCheese on dA and saw this uploaded to PKLove, but I was too lazy to review there or fav ;
But! I will do it here, if that's okay with you?
Great fic, Paula's a smidge OOC, but if that constitutes to NxL, then so be it! :D A few typos here and there, but not enough to destroy the fic.
Also, I REALLY like how you wrote Ness in this. So tough and big and popular and strong; I usually make Ness a bit of an underdog, so seeing him written sexy was... nice 3
Hope to see more from you on these two, mayhaps a sexy sequel?
| LenKagamine196 chapter 5 . 12/5/2011
aww this was soo cute
| Lameotakugirl556 chapter 1 . 12/2/2011
I know this may seem a bit awkward and detail orientated but what comment or "joke" did Ness make about her hair? was it just some kind of douche bag comment and then he was just like, oh baby I was just joking like most guys do.I'm on Paula's side here, she gonna cut Lucas (I like ghetto Paula :))
| Nessuka chapter 4 . 11/18/2011
Lucas: Now you won't have to worry about her flipping her hair in your face
Ness: Why's that?
Lucas: Because I just burned it off...
Paula deserved getting her hair set on fire by- PK FIYA!
| Nessuka chapter 1 . 11/18/2011
Oh my gosh i loved this! It's so different yet in a good way. Lol i like how in EVERY story lucas wants to touch ness' hair. XD
| Curimuch chapter 1 . 11/17/2011
Okay there's a lot to improve on when it comes to this story. It almost feels like you're very new to writing fanfiction, even (I know and see you've written 37 stories, but count doesn't contribute to what is learned). It has the many first mistakes in the book, with bonus points of 'every mistake of writing slash pairings'. I'm going to go ahead and start with the number one core: Paula being a bitch for no reason other than to make a cheap villain for the other two (cuter) male characters to get together over. That's incredibly common in slash. This is why people often complain about and get tired of slash. Villainizing an otherwise fine female character to hook up two other ones, as well as not showing the two sides of all the characters present. No one is "perfect" for each other, and not even demonizing one person will make them a perfect pair. You have to properly show why they would be a pair.
Little moments instead of a thing we call "Informed ability". You can tell the readers they are perfect, but they won't think that unless they see and feel for themselves. Same applies to making Paula a bad girlfriend for Ness. (It would also help to see what Ness saw in her and see what he felt before things went sour.)
As of chapter 1, Paula doesn't even sound that bad, in fact, Ness just appears as immature and a little bit annoying (to her).
Lucas is not only passive-aggressive and dislikable in this story also, he's the "nice guy". "Nice guy" as in, he's not actually nice but as much of a bad person for Ness as Paula apparently is. From what we see in his point of view, he is practically just being nice so he can get into Ness's pants. (Using the word 'slutty' is harsh and would not portray Lucas in a sympathetic light.) It appears he is being nice to be owed Ness's affection sense he is "nicer" than Paula. It's basically, "Why won't you sleep with me? I'm nicer, Ness!" That's just as ugly as Paula (apparently) is.
A real friend would want Ness away from Paula if she's bad for him, not because they want him (next). Or at least investigate further into what's going on than go 'what a slut I'm more pure!' If that character was more pure they wouldn't be calling the other 'rival' a slut.
Toppling 'oh no drunk father' is appearing to cover up these present flaws in Lucas instead of letting him realize and grow out of his selfish thoughts. Or even make him into a better person/character. See, a frequent problem in early fics is introducing a bunch of topics as 'depth' when really it's just filler fluff that never gets expanded upon. It takes the story down in the mud with so many "But what about that part? Where was that going? What happened over there two chapters ago in that one paragraph?" To many loose threads later get tangled up into something even more bad than plot holes could be.
Everything is going really fast, and you're tossed right in into a bad phone-call with no history to it besides that Paula complains loudly a lot, and Lucas dislikes her having Ness because he wants him. "She's mean!"
Now for the good: While immature, Ness is actually a likeable character from what has been shown in chapter 1! He's cute and just seems misunderstood or bad at communicating so far. (with what was mentioned about Jeff) That could've been expanded upon but can't be sense it looks like this story is completed already.
I'm not big on first person stories, but this has been written well enough. Above decent grammar and formation is present. Loosening up on 'said' more would make an even bigger difference. You're on the right track when you use other things besides 'said' btw. Like use things such as: Asked, replied, answered, stated, murmured, etc.
Example!: "I smiled at him and playfully gave him a light shove, "I'm not a monkey," I said but then plopped down on his bed, bouncing a little." This could be changed to I LAUGHED instead of "I said" because he is already playful and charmed by Ness in that moment. Bring that image further to life in the future.
One more bad: I know this is in the biased pov of Lucas's, but that whole 'GOSH HE'S SO SEXY' stuff was really awkward(ly placed). We get Lucas has the hots for him, so it's kinda like 'uhhh' reading about it. It makes him sound younger than he is, like he's just now discovering attributes in suitors when apparently he liked him since he was 10 years old. I'd think he'd be way over that by 14 at the most and worrying more about his happiness and his relationship with Paula and how he can help than think about being with him.
I haven't read past chapter 1, and I kinda don't want to either, I just wanted to pass over some words in hopes they'll help you with future stories. I could go into further details on how to not write slash fictions too (like uugghh seme/uke business is absolute poison to pairings. Male x male or female x female. They're people, not personified roles. I'm the same way with "tops and bottoms" with male x female too.) but this review would be VERY LONG and this is enough of a load as it is. You're not an awful writer by no means, and you can improve with practice and guidance from others who hopefully leave reviews like these in the future. So good luck out there.
| LordLenne chapter 5 . 11/17/2011
Yay my favorite story is here :D
Hopefully the others get to see this too. It's just amazing.