|Reviews for Arrival Of A Legend|
| ninni chapter 20 . 8/1/2012
| TLOSpyrogirl chapter 20 . 5/21/2012
Alright, the praise is at the bottom. Let's start with the crit.
-When she had found the Ebay-advertisement of a pitoresk, exotic garden, infertile terra and dry brownish grass was not what she'd expected.- Picturesque, not pictoesk.
-''My name is Leafos! You must me Ameena, the person who's going to take over my father's garden...''- Typo. And why the ellipsis? Is Leafos trailing off?
-''Yes, excactly, Ameena.''- -Ameena had been resting in the remainings of a Chuckles-house.- -The lady, storkos, was all dressed in a blue, warm looking material.- Typos.
-''You've actually attrackted a Bunnycomb already?''- Attracted.
-''Everything's gonna be allright... Hey.''- Alright or all right; both are correct. Alright is occasionally debated, but I've seen it in plenty of media, so it'd be alright to use. Har, see what I did there? xD
-And he wasn't the only breathing creature attrackted to her- Attracted.
-But that proces adsorbs some time...- Process, absorbs.
-I thought you were against accesoirizing piñatas since you thought it made them look ridiculous?- Accessorizing.
-''Yeah, take care Leave. Ameena! We should actually hang out together sometime, I mean your like...''- I'm not going to drill you on the difference between you're and your, because it's clear you already know. XD So, typo.
-The girl layed him down on a huge, pink pillow, and he snuggled against the soft material.- Laid, not layed.
-''Ameena, you can't live in the henhouse... not in thís wheater! You'll get ill!''- Weather.
-People with a great sense of hearing would've heared her far away, in the Village.- Heard, not heared.
-She reminded Leafos of her own aunt, Jardineiro's sister, who had past away recently.- Passed, not past. The difference can be tricky. I'm not sure how to explain it, so I'll use some examples.
I walked past the girl./The cars drove past./Ran is the past tense of run./I lament on times past./She went back to the past.
The girl passed beside me./The car passed the truck beside it./I passed the ball to Jim./I passed my math test.
-And Jardineiro missed her too, Leafos could tell by the way his eyes glinstered when he looked at Ameena.- Glistened.
The story switches scenes without any warning. Try using a breaker when you switch scenes. Some people may use just … or . something more stylized. Tildes are popular. Alternatively, you could use a linebreak. These can be accessed in the document manager. Personally, I use ... when moving forward in time and a linebreak when the scene being switched to is happening at the same time as the scene before.
-Patch growled, as he slided the old, brownish curtain open - just a little bit!- Just slid, not slided.
-Then he reached out for his cup of coffee, drunk all of the dark brown liquid at once, and looked at Lottie the way he saw her; like he couldn't care less!- Favour the South, huh? xD Me too. Notwithstanding, it should be 'drank'. Drunk is, well, Captain Jack Sparrow. In other words, what happens when you drink too much alcohol. XD You can use a word like 'drunk' in first person, if you're writing for someone who lives in on the coast or grew up around people with that dialect. 'Informal' words, in non-dialogue third person, should be avoided at all costs.
-Islanders just didn't do greediness, they were very genourous folks.- Generous.
-When the poweful echoe of the thunderclap had finally faded away, it started to rain.- Powerful, echo. The plural of echo is 'echoes'.
-I can see the same problem in my brother Seeods...- -If selfdestruction could make an end to it and in the meantime prevent a demon from doing something horribly harmful, so be it.- Typo.
-Again, he couldn't see anything, the nightsky had only turned darker and the rain had started to fall even more heavily.- Night and sky are two words.
-This kind of wheater wasn't normal.- Weather.
-Patch's heart skipped a beat. Of course! That was the reason of this terribly heave weather...- Typo.
-Patch's heart suddenly beated a little faster. Was it just him, or did her eyes just start to glinster?- Beat, glisten.
-knew even Dastardos needed oxygene...- Oxygen.
-he'd hide in the ferns and bushes of the rainforest, to creep up opun lost, unsuspecting passengers...- Upon.
''Non sense!'' It's just one word; nonsense. Non is a prefix meaning 'not', usually used in a sense that says 'lacking or without'. Prefixes should always be attached to words, never on their own. (Unless, of course, the prefix is a real word; it shouldn't be attached to the word beside it if you in that sense. For instance:
Correct: I learned about the difference between abiotic and biotic in school. Incorrect: I learned about the difference between a biotic and biotic in school.
Correct: I saw a dog. Incorrect: I saw adog.
You probably already know that, but I am an extreme nitpicker and I LOVE examples, so... xD)
-His smug smile had taken place for a grin that was downright evilly.- Just evil.
-Maybe I manage to attrack one faster, if I look like them!''- First I should be I'll, attract.
-whenever he was around all he could see was dissappointment on his mask!- Disappointment.
-On the other hand, Islanders didn't consider a mask 'just something', according to them it pretty much equaled 'identity', having a certain place on Piñata Island, being an official Islande- Typo.
One last thing. You see, chapters consisting only of an author's note aren't exactly allowed. Being the Rule Nazi I am... XD I have to ask you to delete Chapter 20 and just move the author's note into the end of Chapter 19. Don't worry; no reviews are lost when you delete a chapter. If you're confused about how to edit chapters or anything else, I'd be happy to help.
Now onto just general crit.
There seems to be a lot of symbols (believe they're called accents?) over some letters, like o, but it doesn't always happen. For instance, you said 'lóvely'. In English, we don't have the accents over our letters, unless we're using the exact spelling (like in phrases; coup d'état is a good example), quoting, or things like that. If you're using these letters for stress, italics can usually get your meaning across. It is perfectly correct to only italicize a few letters in the word where the stress occurs, also. You say you aren't a native English speaker, so just sayin'. :P
'Dad' or any name like that needs to be capitalized when referring directly to the person in question. For instance, "Yes, Mom, we'll be there in five," Laura said. She flipped the phone shut and turned to her friend. "My mom wants us to meet her at the park." See?
When you are using quotation marks, always use a comma in a declarative (period) sentence before the final quotation mark Don't just not put anything. This doesn't apply to cases such as: She said, "Blah blah blah." or "Blah blah," she said, "blah." Those can end with periods and still be correct.
You usually use two periods instead of three in an question-ellipsis. (..? instead of ...?) This isn't correct; ellipses always have three periods except when you're quoting and omitting a part of the quote. But this isn't a research paper. xD
Even and though are never one word.
You definitely seem to shine brighter in first person, but I did enjoy this story very much. Patch's little obsession with Ameena was adorable. :3 And regarding chapter seven, SUPER BASS! :DDDD
As Epic Laughter said, your comment on Storkos' volume really hit the spot. I remember the first time I played VP...
Storkos: YOUR PINATAS HAVE MADE AN EGG!
Mom: *weird look at TV*
And I like the little thing you made up about Lottie. I always had the feeling she was addicted to something. She's crazy. :P
And otherwise, in general, this story is pretty good. I like the way you characterize all of the residents; it breathes life into them. The attention to detail is also a nice touch and the plot is pretty interesting. The demon Tsi is a very intriguing character and Ameena is pretty cute. :P
I'll be looking forward to more chapters. I hope I didn't eat up too much of your time with this loooooooooong review. xD
| Epic Laughter chapter 20 . 1/2/2012
Ahhh, it was great! It was really, really great! :D What a nice epilogue! I'm very, very impressed!
Congratulations on finally finishing your first third of the series! It was a great read all the way through, and I'm so glad I could encourage you to keep going! I plan to give you much encouragement to come!
I can't wait to see how Ameena further settles into the Island, and I'm very excited to read about the Island's religion, as well!
And thank you so much for the praise in your author's note! I'm completely flattered that you enjoy my stories that much! ;w;
I really hope Dastardos isn't dead for good, though, I must say...
| Epic Laughter chapter 18 . 1/1/2012
Oops, I'm speechless again...!
Wow...just...WOW. I can't believe how great this is! It's so intense and nerve-wracking, the title of the chapter greatly suits the content! Patch is a hero! I'm so proud of him!
I just hope Dastardos will be okay...oh man, this was such a great story! I'm so impressed...wow, I wish I could come up with more compliments but my brain can't find the words!
So I'll just say AMAZING work, please keep it up!
| Epic Laughter chapter 17 . 12/26/2011
Oooh geez, this gets more and more intense! Patch's confrontation with Tsi was FABULOUSLY written, I got chills! :O
Loved the bit with Seedos and Ameena too. They're such nice friends...such a shame that Dastardos threatened Seedos in that way! Hopefully that demon can be exorcised from poor Dass...and he'll come to his senses!
| Epic Laughter chapter 16 . 12/24/2011
Oh my goodness, Ameena and Patch are so dang adorable! Glad they have some sparks flying between them. :D
Romance aside, the way you wrote the intensity of the weather and Dastardos' current 'condition' is absolutely EXCELLENT! You wow me more and more with each chapter, I'm so happy seeing you improve as well! :D Great work, and your grammar was EXTRA good in this chapter, may I add!
| Epic Laughter chapter 15 . 12/23/2011
Ahhh, you write Patch as such a cutie pie! :D I still can't get over it!
I hope Ameena is grateful for his visit! I'm sure their scene together will be very cute...and Patch will be very nervous!
This is super great, as always! SUPER excited for more I'll love to see how Ameena and Patch's relationship develops!
| Langston Is Great chapter 14 . 12/22/2011
Epic Laughter recommended me this chapter and hoo boy, I'm glad she did! Your writing is really interesting!
Ahhhhhh this chapter! So dark, I LOVE IT. And you've included Magnar too, that is so great. Dastardos has always been my favourite and I adore how you write for him. Looking forward to more!
| Epic Laughter chapter 14 . 12/22/2011
oh my gosh this chapter was INSANE.
In a very, VERY good way! I got CHILLS. You wrote this so amazingly, I'm actually stunned! Wow...
Poor Dastardos...he's a bad guy, but he doesn't deserve something like THIS! I'll be looking forward to seeing what becomes of him...
On a brighter note, I love how you wrote for Magnar. You nailed the unconditional love he has for his owner! He owes Dastardos his life, after all. :D
| Epic Laughter chapter 13 . 12/19/2011
Oh my God, I LOVE it! So cute, I love seeing Ameena getting along with everyone! And OMG, she's making friends with Sahari! You write for Sahari absolutely brilliantly!
You write for EVERYONE spot on, I'm super impressed! And oh man, I'm wondering who Fannie is going to introduce Ameena to...! Keep up the fab work, and good luck with your test, by the way! Forgot to mention that in my message, hehe. _
| Epic Laughter chapter 12 . 12/18/2011
Wow, you weren't kidding about this being dark! You write Dastardos as so cruel and heartless, which is absolutely AMAZING. Poor, poor Seedos, I want to hold him and tell him everything will be all right...at least I HOPE it will be all right! It's going to take him a while to get over this little incident...
The writing in this is absolutely fab, I got chills, no lie! Keep up the FANTASTIC work, my friend!
| Epic Laughter chapter 11 . 12/17/2011
LOVE IT LOVE IT, as usual! I missed Ameena; she is soooo darn cute! I've said it before, but I SO love how you write for Fannie! She's so funny, you're helping make her character grow on me! :3
You do Seedos great justice, too! He's my favorite; so glad that he's getting along with Ameena!
| Epic Laughter chapter 10 . 12/10/2011
Awesome job! Poor Petula; like Fannie thought, she can be a female Barkbark at times, but I feel bad that she's so scared! Wonder how she felt about Dastardos...
And Lottie...oh man...poor, poor Patchie...having to deal with her frequently now! I hope things look up for our favorite doctor!
| Epic Laughter chapter 9 . 12/8/2011
This is absolutely your BEST ONE yet! I love the tension and the description in the prose, and you wrote for Dastardos brilliantly, especially Patch's feelings towards him! I'm CRAZY impressed!
AMAZING work, I'm proud of you! :D
| Epic Laughter chapter 8 . 12/4/2011
OOOOH, now it's getting really good! Poor Patch, having to get dragged into the forest with Petula, of all people! Oh well, on the bright side, I'm sure his plight will be comical!
Keep up the fantastic work!