|Reviews for One Bright Day Jonah's story|
| Guest chapter 10 . 12/19/2014
Continuing from my review below, I'm aftaid I accidentally hit 'Post Review' before having a chance to review my own post, so I ptibably appear as a bit of a moron having criticised some of your own spelling and grammar, only to then submit a post full of my own mistakes!
Well done again
| Guest chapter 10 . 12/19/2014
I have read your story in full, thankyou for posting and well done. I would like to offer my honest thoughts and opinions...please don't be offended by my criticism, but take it as a compliment that I deem it worth my time in thinking & writing them, about your work.
Firstly, I should say that I love this film; I'm a huge fan of supernatural / paranormal horror generallly & have always felt that this fillm deserved way more praise than than it has received. I also loved the Jonah / Aickman side story & their scenes in the film. So I was intrigued to read your take on these characters, & I must say I think overall your story was pretty good, well done. I'm aware it's a short story, which could be elaborated hugely, but you did well to convey this story in such a short time.
My main criticism would centre around your general grammar, I am guessing that you are / were fairly young when you wrote it? Late teens? Therefore I am sure if you are still writing now, that you have improved in this respect. Your piece as it is could be improved hugely were it better written, certain sections felt a little repetitive, & at times a little lacking in detail and clarity. However, I do understand fully that you are not claiming this to be a masterpiece, again I'm trying to be constructive here.
Also, there are some glaringly obvious grammatical errors in your spelling and punctuation, which in this age of spellchecks is difficult to excuse, fir yiur iwn benefit I'd advise that, as a reader, it can be difficult to take a piece seriously if there are such obvious errors, particularly when they are so easy to rectify. So bear that in mind.
I also felt that the first three quarters of the story was significantly better written than the last quarter or so! Were you rushing to finish? Or had you written the last two chapyers first? Interesting that the quality seems to decline as you pick up the script from the film. That is to say that your imaginative writing, where you were creating the storyline, was way better than your descriptive writing, whereby you were describing what had happened in the actual film.
However, you write well overall, well enough to have made me want to read it through, & I think you could certainly develop abd imprive your writing style, were it something you wanted to do.
| ZeldaNut1 chapter 10 . 12/11/2011
I love this story! It's really good, and it's amazing that you covered his whole life with Aickman in only 10 chapters! It was sad and left you wanting more, a dynamic story for a dynamic character!
p.s. Did you just happen to pick the names Virginia and Eloise? They seem to be popular around this fandom
| Jo Nahmanaick chapter 10 . 11/26/2011
This story is very good! It's sad and creepy, just as I like 'em!