|Reviews for A Ventrue and a Gangrel|
| Dark Angel and Dark Star chapter 8 . 11/3/2013
andreas to the rescue!
| aberdeenkev chapter 1 . 12/2/2012
LIKE THE FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN THE 2 HOPE U WRITE MORE
| aberdeenkev chapter 6 . 11/25/2012
great story cant wait for more:)
| Guest chapter 8 . 11/22/2012
cant wait for next chapter
| canikostar99 chapter 8 . 8/25/2012
update? yeah i forgot i was reading this then i got bored again which is funny cause not only do i have sam's pic that i'm nearly finished with but also my two stories i'm doing (one a fun yaoi that's been occupying my mind and another is my normal story that i haven't bothered to work on recently but still want to continue) well i'm still hanging around so make sure to write something k? i'll be happy to r&r
| canikostar99 chapter 5 . 7/21/2012
really? the one person he tries to avoid seems to be trying to track him down no matter what the cost well to be honest i'm not really interested in vampire stories i usually have trouble with nightmares when i read them but i think i'm starting to break some of my scary story/scary movie fears (i survived watching final fantasy 11 without squeaking and hiding behind the couch every time one of the ghost things from the planet showed up and started sucking people's souls out and i got through maze runner this summer without nightmares about the grievers.. actually the grievers are kind of cool their skin is made our of this sort of blubbery material like a whale or a slug and the rest of them is machine and they have needle/syringe things that'll make you sick if you're stung and claws for grabbing things and people and spikes that can slide through the skin and when they curl into a ball and roll on them they can use them to climb walls and destroy buildings i keep trying to compare them to sonic and his spin dash my only problem with the book though was that the author killed a lot of people but that was to be expected with it being a whole end of the world theme the second book is supposed to have the cranks in it they are kind of like zombies in the sense that they have a disease eating their brains and turning them into cannibals that will eat any person they can get their hands on.. dead or otherwise...) so now i'm testing my limits for how much better my fear tolerance is getting.. and check on you to make sure you're still alive cause it's been a while since you last updated and i was kind of starting to worry you had gotten eaten or something... because i was stupid enough to start reading a fan fiction that put sonic in the maze and since the person had read the entire series they went ahead and sent him on into the city a few chapters in where all the cranks were... needless to say i had a nightmare that night and it was of ll getting ripped apart and eaten by cranks... *hits head against wall* i'm supposed to be making my fear of zombies better not worse... how is my sister supposed to watch resident evil if i can't be in the same house while it's playing? i thought coming into it at a different viewpoint by looking at something similar would help it worked comparing the grievers to sonic but with these guys they just seem scarier... ah anyways now that i'm done talking to myself i should probably finish catching up on the story or maybe let it wait until morning it's kind of getting late oh well see ya sometime soon (unless there really are creatures taking over the world... O_O') i'll be happy to have new chapter to read
| kev chapter 6 . 5/8/2012
hi mate this story is great hope u get time to write more
| rednightmare chapter 7 . 3/8/2012
"That's not important..." Haha! Nice way to rectify the Asylum guard situation with a little humor. I admit, I didn't expect him to give Andreas a hard time, too. But it certainly makes sense.
Ashley's dialogue is looking better already - and I like what you did with Heather & Tom's more panicked coversations, too. Having them yell with exclamations and fragments works well to communicate not only their state of mind, but also Heather's personality, which always struck me as pretty spastic. (Just a quick dialogue formatting note: remember to start a new paragraph every time a new character speaks. You should try to never have multiple characters talking in the same paragraph, since it can get confusing for the readers to keep track of who is saying what. Though it wasn't too confusing here, since you did a good job of tagging each piece of dialogue to a specific character.)
Also think it was a good move to have your characters acknowledge the cartoonishness of the violence - otherwise it might have seemed like an oversight. This choice also does another interesting thing: effectively compares supernatural activity to something very human and very mundane (cartoon). This is a comparison that makes sense for the age groups of your protagonists and isn't generally something we expect as an audience in a WOD piece.
Good work! Looking forward to your next chapter
| rednightmare chapter 6 . 2/16/2012
Let me preamble by saying I read your beginning chapter right when you first posted it, and have just ventured back to give the entire thing its deserved complete read-through tonight. I’m so sorry it took me this long to read your story in full and review, but I hate to rush these things, particularly on first-feedback. (Mostly because I end up sounding incoherent…) So much thanks preemptively for being patient, and here it goes: a comprehensive overview of chapters 1-6…
While it isn’t a style for everyone, I personally enjoy a lot of descriptive content; this is my favorite element of your tale. You hit a comfortable balance between giving readers an array of interesting details and an overarching visual picture of your scenes. It leaves room for imagination, but it does the work I feel authors owe their audience: not just introducing the settings in a bland list format, but crafting them in such a way that the text immerses and transports readers into your story world. Reading your chapters, I can really tell how much you have thought about and added to the canon environments. I like your pacing, as well; it fits your descriptive style. There are a few grammatical inconsistencies here and there, but nothing that makes your writing unclear or confusing. And the occasional error is pretty much to be expected working through the website file converter. I swear, that thing adds typos…
Your fast-paced combat scenes have improved so much since the first installment; it’s been a pleasure to see! That’s not to say they were weak to begin with, but they’ve definitely changed in speed and spacing from Andreas’s first fight to the chaos of the Ocean House. This change works well; it disperses the action so it stands stark, feels more intense, and doesn’t get caught up in a great deal of environment description. (I like both, but separating the action moves from the descriptive passages can really enhance flow at times.)
If I were to suggest one thing to work on: dialogue. Ashley’s is rather problematic. While it’s clear she’s a child and uses a different speaking voice, I think it’s very important to find other ways of showing us this voice without resorting to sugary-sweet phonetic spellings. Describing her voice and her childhood speech impediments could work; you’ve described several characters’ voices like this so far, and done a very good job of it, so I’m sure you can apply this to Ashley as well. You’ve got the skill to make sure we’ll still “hear” Ash as she’s supposed to sound without actually writing each lisped word out. It is charming at times, but the saccharine of her dialogue is now pretty over-the-top. It can be distracting because it clashes with the more sophisticated tone you otherwise write with. Unfortunately, it also has the negative side-effect of making Ashley seem over-the-top, herself. It’s a lot of fun reading about a young child vampire, because she can get away with being childish… but the dialogue stamps her as -stereotypically- childish, which isn’t a good thing.
Ultimately: you’ve done a fine job of showing us that Ashley’s a child and has a child’s mentality – you can probably relax with translating dialogue to “Ashley-speak.” If you’re really attached to some of the “intentional misspellings” she uses, I feel that once in a while would still be OK; tone it down a bit, and it won’t seem nearly as overpowering.
(I did see that she is originally Foreverhate’s character, though, so it’s no fault if you’re writing Ash’s dialogue this way to remain true to the creator’s wishes.)
Glad to have you and your story as part of the Bloodlines fic community! Happy writing for your future chapters.
PS: Just a nagging little detail: Ashley probably shouldn’t be able to just walk into a bar, especially an adult club like The Asylum. (Some parts of the US, including places in California, are so puritanical that most alcohol-serving bars won’t let you in the door until 21.) Since they’re Kindred, there’s an easy work around for this, but maybe a quick mention of the obstacle would be helpful.
PPS: I laughed so hard when Ashley told Jeanette she was “too old” to be her sister!
PPPS: Sorry if I posted multiple times! Good old review box decided to freeze up on me right when I hit 'submit.'
| Sasha Naruto chapter 5 . 1/29/2012
Hey, I just wanted to say in this review that I have seen all 5 Chapters and they are all Great to read!
Second, since I am the first to review this story, I would like to say that I hope they will be more and if you wants to speak and send me a message then my Author's name is:
Sasha Naruto/Naruto Loves FemKyuubi!
My gender(sex) is female.
Loves to read about Vampires,Demons(Naruto and Kyuubi are my favorite Couple,yes Kyuubi is a female and Naruto's mate and wife)werewolves,and rest of magical creatures!
I also would like to mention that Judas Iscariot is also a First Vampire, there are 3 First Vampires:
You may try next story that will be Dracula 2000/Vampire The masquerade Crossover story.
So if you wants to send me a message, then My name is Sasha Naruto/Naruto Loves FemKyuubi.
So try Sasha Naruto or Naruto Loves FemKyuubi and you will find me!