|Reviews for Come Forth! Innocence!|
| shadow chapter 5 . 8/4/2017
I liked the chapter!
| minato.arisato.141 chapter 5 . 5/26/2016
Lose to count of how many time i reread it.
Pls come back!
| Im a guest chapter 4 . 11/13/2015
| Syafiq chapter 5 . 8/27/2015
Update soon pls
| Guest chapter 3 . 7/21/2015
Watashi is not necessarily for girls. Males use it quite often to be more formal or polite in conversations. So Kanda and Minato weren't referring to themselves as females, they were simply using a more polite version of I.
| Arcana chapter 5 . 7/1/2015
I am going to be very straightforward with my review.
I have not read chapter 4 and 5, but I did take a look to see if your writing style has changed and improved.
First of, I believe this story has potential. I like that his Innocence takes on the form of an Evoker, and that it is tied to his soul. Also that his general aura changes depending on which Persona pushes itself to the front of his mind, and that it changes his behaviour (the scene with Alice, for example). Personas are stated to be the façades used to overcome life's hardships, after all.
However, your writing itself is lacking and inconsistent. When you first refer to Hevlaska, you use a male pronoun. Then a bit later you suddenly use a female pronoun. Additionally, you switch between past and present tense, instead of sticking to one, and I have encountered the infamous your/you're mistake before. Sometimes you use a homophone instead of the word you need (defiantly instead of definitely, for example). Another thing I noticed is, that your paragraphs are strangely placed, and reading and following conversations can be quite hard. The same problem arises with the many POV changes. Most of them are not neccessary. To counteract these flaws, I suggest getting a beta reader, or revising your work more thoroughly before uploading it. (There are great tips around the web, if you decided to take a look).
There is something that makes me very uncomfortable: Your use of foreign languages you do not understand. Take the passage of Kanda and Minato's first meeting. The Japanese is wrong and the readers cannot follow the conversation, because translations are only provided at the end of the chapter. If you want to make clear they use Japanese, why not establish that bolded sentences indicate this? Besides, you should never use Google Translate as a source for foreign languages. It cannot use correct sentence structures, and if a word you choose has multiple translations, the chance of getting the correct one is slim, to name a few flaws. In addition to that, adding suffixes everytime is annoying. It is not neccessary, and fighting through a million of them can be quite exhausting.
In conclusion, I hope you take my criticism to heart, I mean no harm with it. Remember your story has potential to grow, and aside from its flaws it was enjoyable to read.
| Residenthobo chapter 2 . 11/18/2014
I... descendant is people in your family, that come AFTER you've been alive. Not before you were alive.
Rather than descendant, you'll want to use ancestor.
Ancestors are people in your family that came BEFORE you were alive.
| UnorthodoxDreamer chapter 5 . 6/19/2014
Coooooooooool. I'm exited for the next chappie _ yay! Good stories are always fun!
| UnorthodoxDreamer chapter 3 . 6/19/2014
Ore is a more masculine term for oneself (more so than boku) and more arrogant or confident, depending on who says is and how they said it. It is commonly used by guys and I have never heard a girl use it, so yeah. Not completely Yakuza.
Boku is the less confidant or more humble aproch to the whole 'referring to ones self' thing for guys. It's generally used by small children, humble, and less confident males. Not just "normal" guys. I've heard it used by a wide range of younger (not quite shota) bishonen and characters with lesser amounts of arrogance or confidence.
| Nunas The No Name chapter 5 . 5/9/2014
he, ryoji will just screwing him isnt it?, i just love the care minato have for him and pharos but too the fact that they can annoying him in certain piont, to me that is just friendship, is obligate the annoyish, keep, this is so good
| Minaly22 chapter 5 . 4/28/2014
The story is really interesting, but the plot doesn't seem to be flowing. Maybe it's because Minato doesn't seem to be interacting with anyone... He is too closed off and makes the plot hard to move on.
Also withholding information about his abilities makes people suspicious about him, and being too mysterious won't do him any good. Every time someone eyes Minato suspiciously or finds him strange, find him mysterious etc. I would start to have the urge to scream at Minato to "come clean and tell them about yourself already!"
| Kumagawa 'Godlike' Misogi chapter 3 . 4/26/2014
For jap part. It didn't wrong that much but it make Kanda OOC since the sentence itself is polite. It is like Kanda said sir... after finish his sentence.
Marty Sue part IMO, I don't care much well I like these kind of story anyway but actually Dude version is Marty Stu not Sue. It's not a big deal just a statement.
| blackkyu chapter 5 . 4/24/2014
Cool! Next chap will be fun!
| Blitza chapter 5 . 4/13/2014
| KO chapter 5 . 4/12/2014
Yup, Minato's screwed... do you have any plans for Yu to show up?