|Reviews for Advent of the Chosen|
| Miheart Sundae chapter 1 . 2/11/2012
Here is some constructive criticism! )
In chapter one, all the "Whys" are redundant. Most of the time people won't think the same word over and over and even if they did, you wouldn't want to place it in the story. Not only is it repetitive, but it's annoying. Most will skim over it, so it isn't necessary.
If you wanted to keep that many whys, maybe you could use different words or even different languages (if she's the into-language type). If it's in character, it's fine. I haven't met anyone who hasn't said "why" that much without the intention of annoying someone. In this case, the reader.
Also, since when does white and blue relate to emptiness? I realize you did this as a joke, but it's not very funny and repetitive. A little annoying, too. I like blue and white. Maybe you were trying to convey that she was all alone and afraid, but if that was the case, the color wouldn't be the reason for her trauma.
In fact, what's the point of her talking about the colors at all in relation to emptiness? With the amount of panic she shows, I'd say she was paranoid or have an irrational fear of color. I wonder if that was what you were going for.
"A small creature with whiskers, triangular ears, graceful tail and a beautifully arched back she feels she had cuddled with even though she has absolutely no memories of it." -Odd how she remembers the exact description while lacking a memory.
“...suddenly a tidal wave of fear sweeps over her” -
very over dramatic. So she's very dramatic, timid, afraid of colors, and clingy? It seems odd she wants so badly to connect with the girl (Nao), though. Wouldn't her top priority be to figure out what was going on, how she got there, and who she was? Wouldn't it be to see if Nao could help her or, if she was a "nice" person, to see if she could help Nao?
And for this:
("It's nice to meet you, Xarah. My name is Nao Mariota Pryderi. I watch over, and live in, the Soul Stream, which is this area that you just arrived in. You're probably wondering–"
Xarah stops listening at the word "now”)
-There was no “now” in the previous sentence.
“W-what are you sorry for?” -For hugging on tight to a complete stranger. XD Wouldn't the natural response be “is everything all right” since it isn't a normal response to randomly hug people while they're explaining their job or where you are now.
“You're brave miss! Everything is white,” again with the color phobia. Also, her inner and outer voice sounds really young. Like maybe seven or six? Am I correct on the age?
And of course a pat on the head definitely equals sadness, right? (sarcasm) You take that from the eyes, not from a gesture. And by fog in her eyes, do you mean tears? Or do you mean her eyes are blurring with no real reason? If it's the latter, she should probably be wondering *why* it's happening. If not, you should probably add "She realizes she's crying" or "it may be tears; she can't be too sure."
“Because both you are special” read that really slowly and you'll see. ) And why is she so attached to Nao, anyway? She's not giving a real reason other than a strong fear of being alone. Maybe she has color phobia and the fear of being alone.
“...who is already scrambling out of the slightly smelly vegetable cart with a huge smile on her face,” -that's very strange. I'd think she'd be embarrassed or scrunching her nose, but I guess being happy over the smell is fine, too.
“Despite the loud, almost obnoxious sound the girl is making, Xarah decides that the girl's voice is actually quite nice.” She'd be more likely to be afraid of very noisy people, actually, since she's afraid of seemingly everything. Also, she's screaming about *her*; you'd think that'd scare her, as well.
“You're! Not! Supposed! To! TAKE YOUR EYES OFF!” Um, a pause before “to”? Wouldn't it fit better attached with the “supposed”? Also, normally I see stuff like "TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE! RIGHT. NOW." or "TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE RIGHT. NOW." Not "TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE RIGHT! NOW!" a bit odd to be completely honest. All caps implies screaming on the internet; you don't need exclamation marks.
“Are you my new friends?" If strangers are friends, sure. )
That *should* come back to haunt her; her willingness should. It probably won't, though, since most author loves their characters and don't want to hurt them.
She's very needy.