|Reviews for The Rules by Cave Johnson|
| Abraxas Baskerville chapter 1 . 12/19/2016
I have two.
Rule 63: Don't you morons even THINK of any kind of experiment regarding the change of a person's gender. It doesn't look remotely as good as fanart makes it look, it only puts the subject through by now unneeded due to being thoroughly tested psychological torture, and neither I nor Caroline have the goddamn nerve to deal with that shit, especially since one of you would-be masterminds had to put ME through such an experience! Never again, you hear me? NEVER. AGAIN.
Rule 451: I would highly appreciate it if you would stop this instant to read anything, ANYTHING, written by this Ray Bradbury. We may not need books any longer and even burn a good number of them, as I mentioned precisely 410 rules ago, but this whole "questioning society and working against your superiors" thing is not only NOT YOUR JOB, (Aside) it's mine, guys, (Aloud) it also largely hinders ANY Science made in the time you waste for deserting. As such, WE WILL PROCEED WITH ANY BOOK BY RAY BRADBURY LIKE WE DO WITH ALL DOUGLAS ADAMS BOOKS.
I apologize for any kind of mental image I might have created by mentioning the possibility of a female Cave Johnson. Then again... Valve did it first.
| eyeball9x10 chapter 1 . 3/7/2016
#-1 Cave Johnson is always right. Unless it's not me, but another Cave. Caroline, can we fire anyone else with my name?
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/9/2015
Rule Three Million: No Resonance Cascades! Creating one of those is a sign of stupidity at the highest level, both because it's a breach of Science, and because it could lead to alien invasions. But mostly because of the breach in Science thing.
Rule three million and one: Wait until Black Mesa does their Resonance Cascade, and then laugh and/or punch them in the face for their stupidity.
(Side note: Cave Johnson actually did think that a Resonance Cascade was a HORRIBLE idea, which is really saying something.)
| cpl20 chapter 1 . 9/5/2015
Rule 10 Billion: If you are a black mesa spy we will feed you to the mantis men... I am not joking we will drag you all the way to the mantis men sea if we have too but those mantis men are getting there meal.
| Gogo1100 chapter 1 . 4/6/2015
Rule 7.5 Billion: Anyone who considers joining Black Mesa will be shot on sight. Yes, we can read your mind.
| SmartGirl333 chapter 1 . 4/5/2015
oh cave you are awesome
and I faved because of the no.7 at the end-
it looks like Caveline is shipped by you
it's definitely shipped by me
| Spidershadow5 chapter 1 . 3/3/2015
Rule 563: Anyone who mentions the multiverse testing initiative and/or Dark Cave is fired. I mean it!
Rule 661: Whoever's dating Caroline at the moment, when you do break up with her, could you please be nice about it? Seriously, if I have to listen to one more late night drunken sob story, I swear I'm going to kill someone.
| Dragonofelder chapter 1 . 11/10/2014
Here's one: Please don't mention space around the space core. He will shut up.
And howabout: If the technician that created the AI for the space core comes forwards, I promise him...er...cake. Yes, cake, and... a day with his core. Actually, a month.
| Mac-The-Editor chapter 1 . 9/25/2014
Rule number 12345: "The password should NOT always be 'Swordfish!' Not only is that a stupid reference, but every single complaint filed about stolen property came from those with that password. Don't use reference passwords on your luggage! Our spies-in-training need better codes than tha-" (The recording snaps off with a crackle of static.)
| Krulla Chief chapter 1 . 6/25/2014
Rule Number 0. Science is always capatilised. If you do not say the word Science without proper capatilization, you will be fired. This means you Dave.
Rule Number 999. I plead the 5th
Rule Number 256. If all else fails you aren't doing your job right.
Rule Number 777. Jackpot baby.
Rule Number 4952. If Caroline asks you to taste her cooking, remember, F.E.A.R. Fuck everything and run. If you are brave enough to try it, and somehow survive, You will be paid $100 and taken in for testing on how you did.
Rule Number pi. See Rule Number 3.14
Rule Number. 2345. If you see a man in Black Mesa HEV gear, if his name is Gordon Freeman, send him to time travel booth 01. If not, sen him to our nearest trapdoor.
| AreYouReady chapter 1 . 4/4/2014
This is glorious.
| Pizzadone chapter 1 . 3/12/2014
Rule 3.14: We will not be celebrating holidays based on numerical values. We'll celebrate SCIENCE!
Rule 34: Do not go on any sites condoning this particular rule!
Rule 523: If you are approached by a rouge AI, don't panic! Chances are, it works for us and not Black Mesa.
Rule 491: We highly discourage not testing, not only will that not get you out of testing, it will not further science! So just suck it up and TEST!
Rule 65: If at any time you feel like testing, just speak up and tell any testing associate around you. If you already agreed to testing, then hurry up an also mark yourself as an Aperture-Approved organ donor in the employee database. We just want to make sure we can get a little bit of profit from your failure- I mean, contribution to science!
| Dzonewolf chapter 1 . 1/20/2014
69: There will be no sixty-nines in this facility, therefore this is Number 70, good day.
| Whateverwhatever chapter 1 . 12/31/2013
Rule 34: NO JOKES ABOUT RULE 34. SAME GOES FOR RULE 69.
| Snowstar20 chapter 1 . 11/28/2013
Here's an idea, I suppose:
We are not responsible for any casualties that result in looking at the operational end of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. If you ask again, you will not be receiving your 60 bucks.