|Reviews for Transcendence: Digital Curse|
| UKHoneyB chapter 4 . 4/12/2013
Sorry for the wait on this, life’s been a bit hectic for me, plus Camp NaNoWriMo started up.
Chapter 3 - I’ve noticed that you’ve gone and added the prologue as the initial chapter :)
Does Tai habitually leave his computer on? If not, depending on the timeframe that you’re thinking of, a cell phone or the D-Terminals would be a better item for Tai to receive messages from and then get him to load up his computer. Also, mentioning that it’s 4AM would fit a lot better here.
“Tai was surprised as he opened up Izzy's channel, as he looked extremely worried on the camera.”
This reads a little odd to me, especially as I initially saw it as Tai answering whoever was on his computer and being surprised that it was Izzy, even though he’d already said his name. Rather than telling us Tai is surprised at Izzy’s reaction, it’d read better to show us Izzy looking worried - then you could have Tai ask what’s wrong especially as you state a bit later than it’s four in the morning.
I’m torn between saying to remove the last ellipsis from Izzy’s explanation and to leave it as it is. It’s a full sentence but shows concern or hesitancy.
Faint sounds coming from Kari’s room (you don’t really need to specify ‘nearby’) - I’d assume this is Tai’s “WHAT?!” waking her up. Does this also wake their parents? If so, what becomes of that?
“Izzy shook his head as he heard Tai, troubled. 'I've already been up for an hour. I've been waking up everyone else as well... none of them have found anything.'”
We can tell Tai’s troubled from what and how he’s saying it, so there’s no point describing that to us as part of what Izzy does. I’d also replace the ellipsis with a semi-colon.
Also, a bit of a continuity question: what has Izzy been doing during the night? Why was he up at 3AM to notice the digimon disappearing? I can easily see Izzy being someone who stays up until the early hours of the morning to work on something but without really knowing it seems a little off to me. Izzy could easily be researching the Holy Knight Digimon still and that could be factored in to the discussion of digimon going missing (was Tentomon there, and did his disappearance clue Izzy in?).
“Kari suddenly burst through Tai's door, with an extremely worried look on her face. 'Tai! What's going on? Where's Gatomon?'”
As at this point we don’t actually know what time it is, my mind automatically pictures Kari in her usual clothing. In the next paragraph we find out it’s 4AM which requires readers to re-think their perception of what’s happening and what they’re seeing in their mind.
Tai not answering Kari is good, although I think a little more could be given for that scene including Kari demanding an answer from Tai and/or seeing Izzy on the computer screen and demanding an answer from him. We won’t need a direct recap as the audience already knows, so an indirect “Izzy informed Kari” could be done instead.
Everyone’s heading for a meeting at City at four in the morning? I know it’s an urgent matter but I feel a little off about it. I personally think the scene would be better if you pushed it forwards a couple of hours to 6/7AM and round up everyone for a before-school meeting rather than an early morning one. That way we have people seeing their digimon missing as they wake up.
“When Agumon opened his eyes, he couldn't see where he was. It was too dark. After shifting uncomfortably, however, he realised he was trapped in some sort of capsule, and shoved a panel in front of him, which buckled slightly.”
This feels a little “this was here, and this, and this”. I’d rework it a little to be more:
“Agumon woke up in pitch blackness. He shifted uncomfortably, nudging his snout against a panel and knocking his feet against metal with a hard clang.”
The main thing is - if Agumon can’t really see, how can he know that he’s in some kind of capsule? He’s somewhere cramped but with a panel that he can move or dislodge. You as the writer knows he’s in a capsule, but the character (and thus the audience, as we’re in Agumon’s POV) don’t.
“As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he began to hear a steady beeping that sounded nearby.”
This reads like Agumon’s hearing is linked to how well he can see, which is a might confusing. Given that the beeping seems to be linked to the panel/capsule lid it should be mentioned that the beeping starts when Agumon initially presses against it.
As Agumon has been in near-total darkness, the intensity of the glowing lights should be much more than what is described. From:
“Suddenly, glowing lights flashed repeatedly within his capsule.”
To something like:
“Glowing lights flashed repeatedly within Agumon’s space, momentarily blinding him from the intensity. After a few seconds, once his eyes had adapted to the new light source, he could see his surroundings: he was being held in some kind of capsule.”
“As he felt the data begin flowing through his body, he was struck with searing pain that seemed to come in waves.”
“Seemed” here seems a little off - I think can see what you’re trying to say but it comes across a little oddly:
“As he felt the data begin flowing through his body, he was struck with a searing pain. It seemed to hit every nerve in his body, filling his mind with nothing but pain; he was granted a few seconds of recovery as the pain subsided before it started up again.”
If the pain is as intense as you suggest, I doubt Agumon will be thinking much; what he is thinking is what the audience should be, and having him think it sounds a little leading as well.
“After a minute of the process, the data stream finally subsided, leaving Agumon feeling rather weak and shaken. After a few minutes, he eventually was able to work up the strength to try and force the capsule open again.”
Repetition of the first couple of words in two sentences. The first I’d add in a little description of what Agumon is currently like (breathing heavily, body trembling); the second I’d make some mention of time passing but try to avoid any direct references. I commonly use (maybe a little too often) “a moment” or “a few moments” as different people think of is as a different length of time - it is an actual measurement of 90 seconds, but that has fallen out of common knowledge/usage.
Implication is the beeping, lights, and fractal code is linked to Agumon tampering with the capsule, him being able to escape with no effects looks off. The audience may assume that whatever caused the effects needs a refractory period (a period of rest before being able to resume activity) but still looks to be something which causes an effect only when it’s plot-relevant.
The discussion between Agumon and Gabumon could probably be cut down a bit; we’ve seen Agumon being hit by the fractal code so we don’t need a direct speech reference to it. Agumon automatically leaping to the assumption that if Gabumon is here then the others may have been captured is a little too quick - all Agumon knows is that he was attacked by a digimon and woke up in this building and that Gabumon is there, too.
Perhaps have Gabumon say about also being attacked as that would lend more credence to Agumon thinking that others have been caught - if it’s happened to two of them it may have happened to more.
Gatomon was with Kari, so if all the digidestined’s digimon have been captured, that leaves the question of just how, especially as at least some of them were in the human world.
“As Agumon opened Patamon's capsule, he realised Patamon was so small he had to be strapped within it.”
This is showing, not telling (we also get Agumon’s reaction [realisation] before we see what he sees [Patamon being strapped inside the capsule]). This sentence doesn’t need too much reworking however:
“As Agumon opened Patamon’s capsule, he saw that the small digimon was held down by numerous straps.”
“He looked around, appearing apprehensive at the dark surroundings.”
Try to show just how Patamon is looking apprehensive - ears down, eyes wide? (I know, this is probably one place where I need work as well.)
“Agumon smiled encouragingly. 'Doesn't matter. We're getting out.'”
What Agumon is saying is already encouraging and we don’t need the additional adverb.
Little confused over the interaction between Veemon and Agumon as it doesn’t seem to read right to me; however, I can’t think of how to rework it.
“Gabumon looked at her quizzically. 'Didn't you get tortured?' He asked. 'You guys seem fine.'
Everyone except Agumon looked at him quizzically.”
Quizzically can probably be dropped both times. Gabumon is asking a question, and the response of everyone else (save Agumon) could be expanded on to show them being confused. Also, when Gomamon speaks, it needs a new paragraph.
“In the next aisle Agumon spotted some patrolling Knightmon at the end.
The Knightmon stood seven feet tall, and looked basically like suits of armour. These ones were different than normal Knightmon, as Veemon quickly noticed. They only carried one large sword over their shielded backs, and unlike normal Knightmon did not have a red spirit symbol emblazoned on their chest plate, their armour simply bare steel.”
Here we very quickly jump from Agumon’s POV (him spotting some patrolling Knightmon) to Veemon’s POV (as he notices the differences):
“In the next aisle Agumon spotted some patrolling Knightmon at the end. They stood seven feet talling, looking like suits of armor. However, unlike Knightmon he’d seen previously, these did not have a red spirit symbol on their chest plate and they only carried one large sword over their backs.”
“Agumon gestured for everyone to be quiet, and waited for them to pass to the next room before continuing. Veemon studied them briefly, and something about them seemed off to him, but he couldn't put his finger on it.”
Veemon’s reaction in this paragraph seems to contradict his in the previous one, as I read it as Veemon seeing the Knightmon, seeing their differences to normal
| ShiyaHawk chapter 1 . 4/5/2013
Sorry it took me awhile, I've been backed up with a million things.
The line: "Digital City, the new haven for humans to meet digimon, and every so often some became partners"
From the explanations given in the original series ( not including Frontier and Tamers since they are completely different in canon ), only those who will become partners with a Digimon can enter the Digital World. It's not one of those "I think I'm going to take a vacation to the Digital World and pick out an Agumon for myself, see ya" moments. Perhaps it could have been explained bit more of how and why this is allowed. I don't see the higher ups of the DIgital World allowing so many humans to freely come and go as they please.
Other than that the details seem better substantial enough. You give a good and brief recap of Digimon Season 1 of the original Digidestined in Chapter 2. The action scenes were pretty good.
Chapter 4&5: From what I recall in the Tamers series (being very different from Digimon Adventures), the Digimon cannot DIgivolve without their partners with them, as they need the Blue Card to be swiped in the D-Arc of the Digivice. Guilmon also talked a bit too mature, normally he talks much more child-like. Renamon was also a bit harsh, she mellowed down considerably by the end of Tamer. She's also not one to openly vent her aggression. (e.g. punching Guilmon over the head) Also how did the alternate universe of Tamers and Adventures become merged? Unless the Guilmon and Renamon here are not from Tamers though from the sounds of it they are. Especially when Calumon came and the line in Chapter 25: "Don't you remember? You helped me digivolve to WarGrowlmon!"
Other than that I see nothing wrong really with characterization or the plot. Everything seems to flow just fine. The only thing that did strike me was that, honestly, the dialogue did get a bit cheesy at times. It doesn't distraction from the story though. This series has a lot of potential.
| Animefangirl95 chapter 1 . 4/1/2013
Hola So I finally had time to read haha
This is a great chapter I like the flow and ease haha it feels very natural
| Crazyeight chapter 28 . 3/31/2013
Lol! I would agree with Mimi except for one thing: Japan is *insane* when it comes to their tests, be it just general exams or for getting into high school and college (yes, exams determine whether or not you can even get *into* high school—any high school really, good or bad). This is largely the reason why Joe is justified in being uptight. He was the oldest amongst the Digidestined and would have been under intense pressure at that point. Medical profession aside, just learning the Japanese language is crazy-hard (speaking from experience and the fact that the language takes until roughly high school just to be able to read the average newspaper), and then there’s mathematics. Mimi had it real easy in America by comparison.
But that’s largely just a nitpick. No real impact on the quality of the actual chapter. :P
Aside from the talk about Alphamon—which has been repeated often and so far no one seems to be doing anything about it—and how quickly the characters have gotten over Wizardmon (never mind that the Digidestined are experiencing ZERO consequences for the damage caused by their fight with Gulfmon) I found this chapter rather enjoyable as it presented the characters in more relaxing situations and let their personalities bounce off each other. There were some chuckle-worthy bits, particularly with Gomamon
Tai’s the ‘unofficial leader’? Pretty sure Tai’s group made him the leader officially during the early days of the Myotismon arc. Tai called Davis the leader when he gave him his goggles, but it strikes me that Davis has been more the motivational leader while TK and Kari seemed to have the greater role of determining plans of action as they had more experience.
Line: 'It's not an earthquake! It's... worse. All the fish are gone... I think they're hiding from something.'
I’m not sure how the fish going to hide is a sign of a digimon approaching. Animals have a knack for actually detecting earthquakes before they hit and will often attempt to vacate the premises quickly (this has something to do with the difference between P-waves and S-waves as P-waves travel faster than their more powerful counterpart. Animals with sharp senses can detect this through their feet or through water). The presence of win is a stronger indicator of what Gomamon’s saying, as Palmon observed, but again this is not rock-solid evidence.
So, in short, not sure how Joe came to the conclusion that a digimon—AbyssGreymon no less—is approaching the city. He’s basing his panic off what evidence? He hasn’t actually even seen AbyssGreymon. Just some bizarre weather pattern (periodic blowing of wind) and what could be an Earthquake.
Line: Tai was hit in the head by the soccer ball as he heard Joe on his digivice.
Line: 'Tai, I'm going to get Izzy to hail everyone's digivices. He has a communications channel; it'll be easier for him.'
To start with, aside from what appears to be a dub flub with Yolei, I don’t remember the digivices ever displaying a communications function, or Izzy having a communications channel to hail everyone’s digivices as far as this story is concerned (and why doesn’t Joe’s have a similar feature? You’d think that one would be kind of important to include for everyone involved in what amounts to a military group). What I do remember though is that the Digidestined have a D-Terminal through which they could all communicate through.
| Crazyeight chapter 27 . 3/31/2013
Line: 'Morning, Gatomon. I heard about that whole Wizardmon thing... you alright?'
Gap between ellipses and the word ‘you’. The gap indicates that you’re starting a new sentence, so remember capitalization rules concerning the start of sentences (Addendum: you have a number of instances of this. You don’t need to have a gap between ellipses and words all the time. Don’t overuse this though, as ellipses are meant to convey incomplete thoughts, trailing off into thought [at end of sentences], or pauses, usually hesitation).
Not too much to say in regards to this chapter. It’s good in that it slows things down and provides the reader with some much needed character moments that were absent in the battle chapters—even advances them a bit—though the tone feels a little too reserved and hesitant, which doesn’t bring much of a change from how the tone has been for quite a number of chapters now. This, and the use of too many ellipses, are the only major weaknesses that I can see in this chapter so far.
Although Biyomon’s letter leaves me to wonder how she wrote with a wing. Does she know how to read and write?
| Crazyeight chapter 26 . 3/31/2013
Line: Gulfmon gaped up at the shining figure. 'An archangel! It can't be! To think that one of the Digidestined hid such an identity...'
Bit of a nitpick, but with a few exceptions digimon have well-defined digivolution lines, particularly in regards to the angels and demons. If an Angewomon is present, there is a high chance that it will evolve into an Ophanimon (Gatomon in 02’s film, I should point out, was missing her tail ring, robbing her of not only the majority of her strength, but possibly the ability to evolve to Ophanimon). But again, this is a bit of a nitpick and not that important in the grand scheme of things.
Line: Ophanimon was an archangel digimon
This description isn’t necessary since Gulfmon already established Ophanimon as an Archangel digimon.
Line: 'I dunno. It's just... it didn't seem at all concerned that it was about to be destroyed, and went to whatever lengths it could to harm us. It's like... it wasn't even a digimon.'
Except that we see contradictory behavior in that, once cornered, the Devitamamon attacked, ‘flailing wildly at anyone who got close to it’, which is the normal behavior one would expect from anything that lives, including wild animals (which is how you’ve described them in our previous conversation). When there are no options to retreat, attack becomes the only course of option (which is why Sun Tsu also advises against doing this sort of thing to an enemy in his ‘The Art of War’ book’). This behavior has nothing to do with Izzy’s assessment of the digimon being infected by a virus, otherwise you’re implying that all digimon are infected.
Line: 'But... why didn't you tell us before we opened the portal?'
Good point. Why doesn’t Wizardmon answer this question? Seriously, all that damage and carnage, all the death that could have happened…was basically for nothing because Wizardmon was ‘cursed’ (evidence?) by Myotismon before dying, which he should have revealed right from the get-go if he knew about this. This sudden reversal strikes me as an attempt to drum up emotional angst for the characters who miss Wizardmon, and there was no real reason for it because it only leaves them right back to where they started. This wouldn’t be a bad thing if Gulfmon had done the deed as he was there (though it begs why he would invest so much energy into doing so for a ghost) but prior? It doesn’t feel like it works since Myotismon only used a standard attack and not any magic.
| Eonflare chapter 10 . 3/28/2013
Hmm, I always wondered what the Chronodata would do. I wonder how long it will take to find out the answers. Could the others still be affected like Agumon if they happen to be reformatted as well?
| LittleKrus chapter 3 . 3/25/2013
Okay, so after reading Old Friend, I've decided to reread this chapter again to clarify any confusions I had before and I found a mistake in my previous review about Gennai's dialogue... I've just realized that BlackWarGreymon's message was the message in Old Friend; previously, I thought it was the message about the sealed gateway... So... there's no contradiction there. Sorry, my bad—it's just my own confusion. LOL. But it's cleared now.
Just trying to say that you can ignore that point about Gennai.
| LittleKrus chapter 2 . 3/23/2013
Hi, I'm back! :3 Again, this review is written based on chapter two alone.
Here are some general stuff I've noticed in your writing...
Every time there is a new speaker, his/her dialogue should start in a new paragraph. However, different dialogues from the SAME speaker can be written in one paragraph. I've seen about 2-3 times where there're combined dialogues from two different speakers in one paragraph; this can make it a bit confusing, especially if you're using the ambiguous "he" or "she" since they can either refer to a Digimon or a human.
For example: "Cody and Yolei were rather late though. 'I had to get her out of working at the shop...' Cody explained with the flustered Yolei, carrying Hawkmon under her arm, who looked rather uncomfortable, who freed himself immediately when Yolei stood there, panting. Armadillomon seemed oblivious to their embarrassment, and greeted everyone, and also apologised to Tai and Agumon. 'You know how Yolei is...' he shrugged. 'I just went along with it.'"
There are clearly two different speakers (Cody & Armadillomon) in there, so it is best to split that paragraph into two in order to avoid confusion. Personally, I would start splitting from "Armadillomon seemed oblivious...". By the way, I assume that second dialogue is spoken by Armadillomon? But it sounded more like a dialogue from Hawkmon though...
There's also a bit of "tell" in this chapter, especially when you describe about a new character (okay, maybe not a lot; just two, I think). Whenever you describe them, you describe a little about their personality too. But there's always that rule which says "show, don't tell", so show their personality. Show that Cody is a reserved person but has grown to express himself (maybe he often thinks about a topic, but doesn't voice them out), or that Ken is insightful and detail-oriented (maybe he notices something that others had missed, or maybe he is sensitive to his surroundings; even the slightest change would catch his eye). Another example would be this: "'Gennai.' Izzy exclaimed, then his face grew curious." How did his face grew curious? Did his eyes widened or something?
Other than those two points, I don't really have much to add... Whatever I've said in the previous chapter still applies in here. Come to think of it, though, there's no description about Sora. I mean, I don't think she'll be wearing her tennis outfit to the meeting... Then again, that's not really important, but am just sayin'...
There are some typos and quite a few preposition errors (I'll list them out if you want me to); there're already two in the first sentence alone. It should be: "Tai and Agumon were sitting ON two of the many chairs IN the community hall..." Anyway, I think a reread of the chapter will do the trick.
So... on to the detailed part now...
From Tai's thoughts: "Well maybe I could tell them later, if they don't come... or I could leave Agumon here while I get home and ring them... but I don't want to wake him..." This part is really confusing... I think the comma is not needed because it would make "if they don't come" seem like it belongs to the next sentence; hence, sounding a little weird.
But then again, if "they don't come", how is Tai gonna "tell them later"? By calling them? If that's the case, then the comma should be replaced with a full stop and remove the "or". The following sentences are kinda contradicting because Tai ALREADY plans to leave Agumon there, sleeping, while he goes home to make a call. Meaning: he doesn't NEED to wake him up. So perhaps you might want to change that part a bit? Maybe remove "but I don't want to wake him..." OR rephrase that last two sentences to something like: "I could go home and ring them... but I don't want to wake Agumon..."
Rather than HEALTH problems, I think it should be HAIR problems, like damage the hair or hair becomes dry/frizzy, etc. But I don't think Mimi is one who minds about such stuff anyway (since she is a bit of a fashionista; in the show, she even notes whether a Digimon looks stylish or not). There is no need for a reason why she wants to dye back to her original hair colour. She can dye it whenever she feels like it; it's normal. Or maybe she just got tired of pink hair.
I'm pretty sure that Agumon enjoys Tai's mother's cooking (at least, he didn't say that he didn't like it), but this sentence: "Ask Tai's mom to cook better food..." seems to say otherwise.
Next is this: "Cody explained with the flustered Yolei, carrying Hawkmon under her arm, who looked rather uncomfortable, who freed himself immediately when Yolei stood there, panting." This sentence sounds rather strange as it seems like both Cody and Yolei were talking simultaneously. Also, there are two "who"s in one sentence. Not good... It might be better to split them into two separate sentences. I don't remember ever seeing Yolei carry Hawkmon under her arm though...
From Veemon: "He advanced, punching a fist, with Agumon edgily getting ready to get out of his seat." Even though it's just supposed to be some casual "brother thingy", I don't think Veemon will do that to Agumon... Others? Maybe. He adores Agumon (and Gabumon)... I think? Well, in the first place, he isn't someone who holds a grudge, especially not for something so trivial, so for him to say things like: "I'm going to get you back for that one yesterday, Agumon!" sounds,.. weird, at least to me.
Gennai says that "SHORTLY after Agumon reported BlackWarGreymon's message..." but the next line, he says "what we do know is the seal he made upon the real world has RECENTLY been broken." These two sentences contradict each other, because this story actually takes place one year after the final battle with MaloMyotismon and Agumon reported the message BEFORE that battle. It's either changing it to mean that the seal was broken shortly after the message was passed OR the seal has only recently been broken.
One more thing: what, exactly, is Agumon's dream/nightmare? Will it be written in later chapters? There's no foreshadowing for this part, so it came off as rather abrupt. How does it prove useful? And everyone knew about it? ... How? Did Agumon tell them? Or is his dream actually about reporting BlackWarGreymon's message? Sorry if there're too many questions; I can get too curious sometimes...
Hmm... There're no Trailmon tracks in the Adventure's universe... Did the Digimon build those tracks over the course of one year? Or is this a crossover story? If yes, maybe you should state it in the summary...
Okay, so I know Davis had an ambition about opening a ramen shop in the future, but he only talks about it ONCE in the whole of 02... Does he have to keep repeating it ever since then? Because he did not even MENTION about that ambition before then... Well, this might just be my nitpick though.
Another nitpick (probably): Biyomon had already said that Sora and Matt were dating and Agumon's reaction clearly shows that he didn't know about that, so it's not necessary to repeat that information again in the next paragraph. Overall, the whole scene between them seems like a medium to tell the readers that Agumon is going to train later on. XD
This is yet another contradiction: "The four of them had grown quite close, and Biyomon had felt when Tai and Sora began drifting apart..." They grew close, but Biyomon "felt that they began drifting apart"?
Agumon saying "it was nice to talk to you again" sounds a little weird too. Well, I dunno... It just doesn't feel right to me. I don't think he'll say that...? It sounds so adult-ish.
Agumon can digivolve by himself? O_O Without Tai's help? How did that happen? I'm pretty sure that DigiCore power from Azulongmon is just temporary...
From Greymon's attack: "... from the projectiles' force." Nova Blast is just ONE fireball, so it should be "projectile's".
And so, the chapter ends with a cliffhanger...! Chapter three, here I come! :O
In case you didn't realize, though, I did enjoy reading this chapter a lot—more than chapter one, in fact. Thanks for writing! :D
P.S. There're Sorato moments in there, but I'm a Taiora fan; and unfortunately, it's not canon. T_T
| LittleKrus chapter 1 . 3/22/2013
Hi! Sorry I took so long to start reading this... But here I am! :3 This review is based on chapter one alone; I haven't read the others yet...
Okay, so I know that Grammar isn't your main concern but I really, really want to point this out, so I'll just use some examples to demonstrate the correct way of punctuating a dialogue:
- "Hello," he said.
- "Hello!" he greeted.
- "Hello?" he asked.
- He said, "Hello."
- He greeted, "Hello!"
- He asked, "Hello?"
- "Hello," he greeted. "How are you?" OR "Hello," he greeted, "how are you?" etc.
Take note of where I put the punctuation and if the letters are capitalized or not.
Otherwise, if it's just a conversation between two people only, it might be better to do it without the dialogue tag. This will make a dialogue more dynamic and interesting, and less distracting from the main dialogue itself. For example:
"Hello!" he greeted.
"Hey! How are you?" she asked.
"Good. What 'bout you?"
"What you doing now?"
Also, characters will usually speak with contractions. Dialogues are mostly in present or future tense too; unless the character talks about something that had already happened or is reminiscing/recalling the past, then it will be past tense. However, even with that said, it is perfectly okay for characters to speak broken English or if their Grammar is not-so-perfect because how a person talk is also part of their personality!
Your dialogues do sound a bit stiff and awkward at times... I'm not sure how to elaborate on this but I think it has something to do with the way the sentences are worded. Your characters' conversations sound TOO perfect and formal to me. Use words like "C'mon!" instead of "Come on!", or "See ya!" instead of "See you!", or "How 'bout" instead of "How about", or "Yo!" instead of "Hi!", etc. These are quite common in everyday speech, especially in teenagers. Notice the way they're spelled? Yep, they're the more typical ones. Of course, that doesn't mean that you can't use the original word form anymore; it depends on the sentence itself and who is speaking it.
The next thing I've noticed would be the huge chunk of descriptions in this chapter, especially those about a character's appearance. I think just the descriptions alone made up half of the chapter...
Unless the characters are OCs, their appearances need not to be described. Some SIMPLE descriptions about what they're currently wearing is fine, but you don't have to go into the smaller details, like Tai's coat had a yellow paw print; simply "long blue coat" would've been enough. We can always Google their pictures if we don't know how they look like, though I'm sure that Digimon fans would most probably remember. Long descriptions bore readers easily and they tend to break the flow of the story. However, if you really want to give some descriptions about their appearances, do it in bits and pieces, not in large paragraphs.
As for the descriptions of places, I still wouldn't recommend writing in long paragraphs. Like I've mentioned before, they bore readers and readers themselves might not be able to actually visualize the place anyway. I usually skip reading them all together since I can't visualize it most of the time. Again, SIMPLE descriptions would suffice, rather than going into the intricate details, like how many sofas are there in a room or something.
By the way, is Digital City situated in the Human World or in the Digital World? This is not directly stated in the story, but with the way you'd started the story, it sounded as if it's in the Digital World. It's possible for Digimon to inhabit in the Human World anyway... Well, I'll just assume that it's situated in the Digital World. *shrugs*
I've also observed that you often use the word 'pouted', but sometimes, it is not used correctly. 'Pouted' is typically used to mean one's annoyance about something; and usually, only girls pout. Otherwise, using "pursed his/her lips" might be a better phrase.
Lastly, I've noticed that you like to use a character's thoughts as a way to convey information to readers. Technically speaking, it's not wrong, but they sound a bit weird to me. It might be better off by just writing those information as per normal, or convey them through conversations. Sometimes, your thoughts are pretty long too. It's better to break them up with a small action or something.
Overall, Grammar wise, it's okay. But I've spotted some missing prepositions here and there, and there're a few preposition errors, so perhaps you might want to fix that.
Now, with all those stuff cleared up, the following will be about characterization.
I think Davis sounded awfully mature in here, and Veemon doesn't have his usual cute and cheerful vibe with him. As for Agumon, even though his actions do suggests that he's playful, his conversations with the Digidestined sounded pretty mature to me. Taichi was spot-on though.
I don't think Gatomon is the type who is afraid of getting her hands dirty. Neither she nor Kari is a pampered "princess". She had traveled alone before she met Kari and had even worked for Myotismon before, surely she can't be afraid of getting a bit of dirt and dust on her gloves?
Similarly, I don't think Gatomon will prod Izzy like that and say things like: "You expect me to believe you've been doing something constructive around here?" This sentence makes her sound authoritative and smug-ish. Yes, perhaps she did sound like that when she had worked under Myotismon, but she certainly didn't after that.
From Toshiko: "And the worst part is; I have to deal with her anxiety while you're out there working yourself ragged." This sentence is a weird one, because it sounded as if Sora's mother doesn't want to deal with/is tired of Biyomon's anxiety, which I don't think is the case since she is such a caring mother in the first place. I think leaving out "and the worst part is" from the sentence might be better... No, better yet, leave out that sentence completely.
On a bright side, this chapter is a nice start to a seemingly grand story. Keep it up! :)
| UKHoneyB chapter 2 . 3/18/2013
So, onto Chapter 2. Not overly sure the section about Mimi’s dye maybe giving her health problems unless it comes up as a plot point later (also, it reads as a little odd that she stops dyeing her hair pink for potential health reasons but keeps red highlights unless the pink is a different brand [and even then, thoughts would be she’d find pink in a different brand if that was the case]. Again, that leads into more depth than is needed for a description unless it is a plot point.). A better description might be:
“Mimi was wearing a blue top and short white skirt. Her hair, instead of being the shade of pink most people were accustomed to, was now a lustrous long brown with red highlights.”
Again, cut-down description of Palmon. New dialogue should really start on a new paragraph, so Biyomon asking if Agumon was dreaming should be on a new line.
“Both girls giggled at his remark” - Given that we’ve had a discussion between Agumon, Palmon, and Biyomon, I’m assuming that it’s Palmon and Biyomon giggling here. However, as we also have Sora and Mimi in the scene (who could also be reasonably called girls) it creates a bit of confusion. If it is Biyomon and Palmon giggling, it might be worth stating “Both female digimon giggled at his remark” to clarify or something similar/a little less clunky.
“'I had to get her out of working at the shop...' Cody explained with the flustered Yolei, carrying Hawkmon under her arm, who looked rather uncomfortable, who freed himself immediately when Yolei stood there, panting.”
This needs reworking. Initially, it reads like it’s Cody who is carrying Hawkmon under his arm (Cody appears to be the subject of the sentence; Yolei is with him but her mention is just that she’s flustered; as Cody is the subject when we get to the next clause the reader initially thinks Cody is the one carrying Hawkmon until the “she” appears. This made me pause and re-read the sentence to review what was going on).
There’s also two dependant clauses linked to a /third/ subject, Hawkmon, but given Cody was the original subject it initially looks like it’s Cody who is looking uncomfortable and freeing himself (?). You then switch back to the second subject, Yolei. Also, I’m assuming that Yolei is panting because Cody has rushed her to this meeting, but to me there’s no direct information leading to this - it could come across that she’s panting for no good reason.
A good visual representative (if you learn best through visual mediums) is to look at diagrammatic sentences: .
I’m trying to learn how to use/read them myself so I can’t offer any solid advice about them at the moment. Only two of the links on the page are still working, unfortunately; the second one from the bottom looks to be the best as it will take you through diagramming a sentence step by step.
A couple of options for a better version of the sentence could be:
“'I had to get her out of working at the shop,' Cody said, a rather flustered-looking Yolei following him. Yolei was carrying Hawkmon, who looked rather uncomfortable, under her arm; he freed himself immediately when Yolei doubled over, panting heavily.”
“'I had to get her out of working at the shop,' Cody said, dragging along a rather flustered-looking Yolei. Yolei was carrying Hawkmon, who looked rather uncomfortable, under her arm; he freed himself immediately when Yolei doubled over, panting heavily.”
Only one minor difference between the two: the second one indicates more that Cody has had to drag Yolei out of the shop and to the meeting; the first one indicates hurry but Yolei being able to move herself to the meeting without needing an external force.
“Armadillomon seemed oblivious to their embarrassment, and greeted everyone, and also apologised to Tai and Agumon. 'You know how Yolei is...' he shrugged. 'I just went along with it.'”
Who is using direct speech here? You make mention of Armadillomon greeting everyone and apologising to Tai and Agumon (in indirect speech - this is good; the reader knows what Armadillomon has done without using needless back and forth discussion. We don’t need to directly see Tai and Agumon’s reactions unless it leads into a needed discussion), which leads people to think he’s the one speaking. However, why would Armadillomon say he went along with Yolei? This indicates that it’s Hawkmon but again, initial subject is Armadillomon so people will assume it’s still him unless we’re given something which contradicts this.
Also, again if it is Hawkmon I’d initially expect him to speak before Armadillomon unless he’s doing something before he speaks. Hawkmon is rather refined, so perhaps Yolei ruffled up his feathers while hastily grabbing/carrying him and making their way to the community hall.
Perhaps change to something like (I’m assuming it is Hawkmon using direct speech):
“Hawkmon sniffed as he landed on the ground, focusing on readjusting his ruffled feathers. Armadillomon seemed oblivious to their embarrassment, and greeted everyone. He also extended an apology to Tai and Agumon for them being late.
‘You know how Yolei is,’ Hawkmon shrugged once he was happy with his appearance. ‘I just went along with it.’”
Couple of things I’m starting to notice is the use of an ellipsis (...) either in the middle of a sentence or to end a sentence which looks like it’s a complete sentence on its own. It didn’t seem too obvious in chapter one but here I’m counting at least twelve sets of ellipses I’d consider removing completely.
The next two paragraphs describing Cody, Yolei, Armadillomon, and Hawkmon can be seriously cut down. Possibly keep the section about Cody learning to voice his opinion about particular problems but, if you could, see if you can work it into the discussion instead (better to show rather than tell).
“'Davis! Where have you been?' Tai exclaimed in disappointment.”
We have the exclamation mark to inform us that Tai has exclaimed so it’s not necessary to add that as a descriptor. Again, use of an adverb which could be better reconfigured as:
“‘Davis! Where have you been?’ Tai said, disappointed.”
Continuity error: you say Davis is the last person to arrive, but after Tai makes his comments Ken and Wormmon appear. The sentence could be reconstructed to either have Davis be one of the last people to arrive, or have Davis, Veemon, Ken, and Wormmon arrive all together.
“she always get's in my way” - simple error, there doesn’t need to be an apostrophe in gets.
Not sure if the discussion between Davis, Matt, Gabumon, and Agumon about Jun and Matt’s rehearsals really fits, but that might just be me. Can’t identify anything directly about it, though.
“'AHEM! If you are all done reminiscing...'
Gennai himself, in his younger form, was standing in the archway entrance, much to everyone's surprise.”
Rather than stating people are surprised, better to show them being surprised:
“‘AHEM! If you are all done reminiscing...’
The sound of someone new speaking drew the attention of everyone in the room; they quickly glanced back towards the entrance of the community hall to see a young-looking Gennai standing in the archway entrance.”
“'Gennai.' Izzy exclaimed” - two errors here. One, you state that Izzy exclaims without an exclamation mark (so exchange exclaimed for said, and put an exclamation mark); two, Izzy’s exclamation is a continuation of a sentence so the period should be a comma if the speech tag was different (if Izzy was saying, for example).
“why bother coming in yourself; and gathering all of us like this?” - this doesn’t need a semicolon; you use ‘and’ as a connecting word which completely negates its use (there are a couple of rules for proper use of semicolons but that’s a bit of a sidetrack here). You simply need a comma.
“Half of the Digidestined looked at Agumon quizzically, but Ken blanched slightly and looked down guiltily. /He can't still be having them... can he? I hope it's not because of that time, and what I did to him.../”
Minor change; I’d put “in guilt” rather than “guiltily”. Using guiltily isn’t wrong, but I think the sentence looks a bit better with in guilt. I’d also remove the first ellipsis and replace with a comma; the second could stay.
“Gennai frowned uncertainly. 'Not as far as we know.” - the uncertainly doesn’t need to be there, and the first part of what Gennai says can convey the uncertainty over the situation.
“Joe leaned forward. 'So this agent... could actually be our ally?'” - the ellipsis is indicating pause or hesitancy in Joe’s speech, but personally I’d either remove it completely or add in a second ellipsis between the “so” and “this” to emphasise the pause or hesitancy.
Trailmon network? Hmm, is that a reference to Frontier?
“For starters; anyone who isn't too busy” - again, no semicolon needed, just a comma.
“'That's a bad idea, Davis...' He whispered.” - remove ellipsis, place comma, lowercase “he”.
“Biyomon sighed shortly, having predicted Agumon's reaction when she would finally talk to him. Sora and Matt had been together for over a year, and Agumon had never discerned what was going on. However, that had little to no impact on Tai and Sora's friendship, at least not immediately. They had continued to play various sports, mostly soccer, and had often brought their partners along with them. The four of them had grown quite close, and Biyomon had felt when Tai and Sora began drifting apart, along with herself drifting away from Agumon as a result.”
This reads to me to be a bit clunky and info-dumping on the audience. The first sentence could be reworked a little and is fine to remain, but the rest I’d consider shortening down, if not removing altogether.
“However, that had little to no impact on Tai and Sora's friendship, at least not immediately.” - this sentence may confuse the audience. You initially say that it had no impact on Tai and Sora’s frien
| Crazyeight chapter 25 . 3/17/2013
Chapter 25 notes:
'I dunno. It's just... it didn't seem at all concerned that it was about to be destroyed, and went to whatever lengths it could to harm us. It's like... it wasn't even a digimon.'
Except that we’ve seen digimon fight without concern for themselves. In season one a Snimon and Tuskmon took on three Digidestined Ultimates and had them at a standoff for quite a while despite the level difference and being badly outnumbered. By rights they should have just retreated (being apparently mercenaries they had nothing to benefit from sticking around and fighting against bad odds), yet they stuck around. And it’s not as though this behavior is unusual. In humans and in the animal kingdom, we see individuals and groups throw their lives away for a goal, and since digimon are made of human data it’s hard to imagine why a digimon wouldn’t inherit this trait. There’s no reason for Tai to suspect anything wrong with the digimon, or for Izzy to chalk it up to some kind of viral infection. After all, as they’ve both acknowledged, digimon *are* living things, and as such they can override their programming, just like humans and animals can.
Line: Tai shook his head. 'That doesn't explain why they followed Gulfmon...''
Not really a question Tai would consider, as he tends to deal with what’s in front of him, nor is it really relevant to the conversation. Digimon are living creatures that make their own choices, and in this case they just chose to follow Gulfmon and fight to the death. Barring any evidence to the contrary (such as visible infections like Black Gears and Dark Rings/Spirals), it can only be assumed that this was their decision.
However, I should point out that as far as the story goes, this scene is badly placed. While Tai and Izzy contemplate their navels, there is still the problem of Gulfmon to deal with. In the time they spent talking, something is being destroyed or someone is being killed. At this point in their development, they would already know that they do not have the luxury of this sort of thing.
Line: Veemon studied Wizardmon for a while. 'The only options for him are to enter the portal and disappear, or for him to remain trapped here.' He looked to Gatomon. 'Which fate is kinder to him? That much is obvious.'
I can’t say that this sounds like Veemon, as he has rarely shown himself to be the contemplative type or to speak like this. From what I remember, Veemon would be more inclined to either be silent on the issue due to its weight, or to push Wizardmon into going into the portal because he should take the chance that things might be all right (a perspective born from his own experience of trying and, with the exception of impressing Gatomon, actually succeeding).
Concerning TK’s statement on Gulfmon… In spite of TK’s anger towards the forces of darkness, even he has never quite gone that far on saying what sort of fate anyone deserves beyond being opposed. Besides, it’s rather irresponsible of TK to say that since, as both Wizardmon and Myotismon showed, being a spirit doesn’t mean that the digimon in question can’t have an effect on the world it’s in. I would keep an eye out for anyone being possessed or for any ghosts regarding this one.
| Crazyeight chapter 24 . 3/17/2013
Chapter 24 notes
This chapter’s beginning makes it a bit odd, at least from my perspective, in that it makes it too convenient for Wizardmon’s ghost to just show up and talk to Gatomon whenever she calls for him. Now while we haven’t seen much evidence against this, we haven’t seen much evidence for it either, and with the story in favor for it, there’s a subtle implication that sounds wrong concerning Gatomon’s character: why doesn’t she and Wizardmon meet up more regularly? Seriously, if it’s that easy, then why don’t they meet up more often? Granted, I don’t mean to say that this particular situation is that black and white as I’ve laid out, but it brings to mind what the problem is for Wizardmon beyond simply being unable to touch things and possibly being unable to leave the area.
Line: 'Don't worry, Izzy.' Tai eyed the Devitamamon determinedly. 'We'll protect you from these creatures. You're the one we need to help Wizardmon, so we'll defend you until the upload is complete.'
Tai’s line realistically should have been shorter. For one, he repeats what everyone already knows (you’re the one we need to help Wizardmon) and restates what he already said (so we’ll defend you until the upload is complete). For another, in the length of time it took Tai to say all that, the digimon would have attacked. It’s not a bad idea to count the amount of time it takes to say something during a tense situation, because in a fight, every second counts.
I’m…not sure what Angewomon accomplished by not turning her Heaven’s Charm into an arrow and instead turning it into an orb (and in actuality it’s more of a disk or ring of sorts anyway, based on visual evidence. The attack is actually ‘Holy Air’ anyway, which has additional abilities, but for some reason the dub flubs on the name). Realistically speaking, an arrow has greater penetrative power than an orb (which has a shaped, spherical explosion versus an arrow’s focused, single-point hit).
Line: He struck it in the middle of its back, but the sword only seemed to bounce off.
In the same line of what I stated before with Angewomon’s attack, simply slashing at an armored opponent isn’t very effective with a sword. Granted, MagnaAngemon’s sword is energy-based, but the point remains. If the armor is tough enough to brush aside a slash, than a stabbing move is better. The history of armored warfare has three methods: a heavy crushing attack, a curved, narrowly-focused blade (the curve helping to deliver more force), or a narrow point. Amongst these, the narrow point is largely the better option, especially since it’s faster.
MagnaAngemon’s attack does bring to mind the question as to why he doesn’t just use his Gate of Destiny Attack sooner, which has so far been proven to be very effective even against Megas (BlackWarGreymon being the only one so far to have resisted it)?
Line: Izzy shook his head as he set down next to them. 'It doesn't need me to watch it upload. I've set it to emit a signal when it's done. Until then, I'm keeping clear.'
Izzy’s computer may not need him to watch it upload, but it cannot move on its own. In the event that a digimon smashes into it, by accident or on purpose, it will be because no one was there to get it out of the way.
How is the inclusion of WarGrowlmon able to keep two DeviTamamon at bay? Two Megas versus four Ultimates (five now) and only one Mega? And on top of that WarGrowlmon is a much larger target and slower than before?
Gulfmon is huge. He should dwarf the very TV station he appears in, so why isn’t he destroying it? Come to think of it, the station should have received even more damage than what little is described here just from the fight with the Devitamamon alone. By rights, I’m pretty sure that the TV Station owners will be able to sue the Digidestined for their recklessness. Allowing not one but *three* Megas into the real world and not taking every precaution against not only their entry but also their containment is a serious blow to their reputation. What if those digimon had been able to escape out into the city? It would have been the Digidestined’s fault for any and all casualties and damage brought about by this fight.
| UKHoneyB chapter 1 . 3/17/2013
I got your PM, sorry I haven't been able to make time to review until now. I've only gone through this chapter so far, but I'll make points and notes on what I've seen so far.
Personally, I'd put the description of the Digital City before we get an introduction/description of Tai (which I'm not sure is overly needed - I'd be of the assumption that people know who Tai is, and a quick mention of him being seventeen may suffice. That would indicate to people that some time has passed since the 02 finale and give them a lead in to the changes which are occurring). I can understand that you might be writing for people who never saw Adventure/02 (as I've seen mentions of characters potentially from the other series) but it reads a little bulky to me, especially the long character and digimon descriptions. Personally, shorter is better, and I did find that I skipped over a couple of descriptions towards the end - trust that your readers know what the characters look like.
For instance, for Agumon's description I would have done the following:
"A group of small kids caught Tai's eye, and he smirked as he beheld their victim - his orange dinosaur of a digimon partner. Agumon had grown a little since his first digivolution to his rookie form, but was only just taller than the young children chasing him."
Completely cuts out the main description - I know and remember what Agumon looks like, so I personally don't need to be reminded. What /has/ changed is that he's grown slightly taller over time, which I would keep in. Part of Agumon's description seems to come from Tai's memory rather than what Tai is actually seeing - how far away is Agumon, and could Tai really see his defined pectoral muscles from that distance?
"The large, open square...The large, open fountain" - repetition; try to find some other way to describe the fountain (imposing, towering). I’d probably remove the “He sometimes laughed when he looked at the small statue of Ebidramon”; it’s something that happened in the past and doesn’t quite seem to fit to me. Perhaps instead you could have Tai grinning as he looks over Ebidramon’s statute, remarking on the architects making the digimon look more friendly, welcoming, and ‘cutesy’.
Some of the descriptions you give may be better off worded as conversation between characters (for instance, TK and Kari helping with city maintenance, TK asking Kari if she's found anything, she saying no, and then TK thinking about Tai giving him and Kari the "dud job") but try not to go into territory where the characters are explaining things which are obvious to them but the audience needs to be clued in. Kari remarking that she wants to help her brother might seem to fall into this, but it’s something that people would naturally say (now, if it was TK referencing Tai being Kari’s brother that might be different depending on how it’s worded/written).
Sora's tennis match would probably be better off if you started the scene with the session finishing, maybe adding in a couple of characters that she can talk to or give advice to.
"Toshiko sighed. 'You know Biyomon's worried about you. And the worst part is; I have to deal with her anxiety while you're out there working yourself ragged. Think about her, too.'
That got her. Toshiko thought as she smiled. Sora looked quite ashamed."
This section reads like Toshiko speaks, smiles, and is able to think a three-word sentence before Sora can actually form an expression. As well as moving Sora's reaction to before Toshiko's thoughts, add in a little more detail: maybe she slumps her shoulders, looks to the side or down at the floor to avoid her mother's eye contact. Also, you make mention of Sora being offered a milkshake but nothing comes out of it until Biyomon comes in with one - does Sora say no (given Biyomon comes in with a second and Toshiko says she already made her one points to Sora accepting, but initially I assumed Sora had declined the offer); does she accept and is she drinking it during the conversation? Once Biyomon comes in there's mentions of it, and after Toshiko and Biyomon go to the kitchen to cook Sora drinks both, but I'd prefer a mention early on as it seems like something you added in, forgot, and then only recalled when Biyomon enters the scene.
Avoid using 'suddenly' if you can - try to explain Biyomon rushing into the room, maybe startling one or two characters. We know Biyomon is likely in the house (as you've dropped hints on Agumon staying in the human world a lot), so her rushing into the room isn't really surprising or unexpected. A drastic change in the shift of tone of story is often more than enough to insert shock or surprise, and often 'suddenly' is used as a quick shorthand - it's the equivalent of filming a story in front of a live audience and holding up a board with "gasp" on it. You're telling readers how to react rather than guiding them to the appropriate reaction. Similar words/phrases are “in an instant,” “instantly,” “in a flash,” “without warning,” “unexpectedly,” “all at once,” “moments later” or “out of nowhere…”.
“Izzy had, since Tai's message about BlackWarGreymon's seal from Agumon”
This completely confused me until I saw you had another story labelled as a prequel with Agumon and BlackWarGreymon; however, that story reads much more like a prologue to me and would be better suited by adding it to Digital Curse as such. What would be an idea for a prequel would be the building up of Digital City as it would give a better understanding to people who read the original, but is not necessary to understand the original. Old Friend, however, links to many plot points which make an appearance in the first chapter - you could easily cut off everything in the last scene aside from the last two paragraphs (have them after Agumon has talked to Gennai) as the beginning of that last scene is given a bit more detail in Digital Curse.
I know you said SPaG (Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar) are not your complete concerns, there are a couple of errors I keep popping up. Often when a character speaks it ends in a full stop/period when the sentence after it indicates it should be a comma. For instance:
'Admit it: you're lazy. That's you, Davis.' Tai stated with amusement
‘Admit it: you’re lazy. That’s you, Davis,’ Tai stated with amusement
Any time the sentence after speech makes reference to how it was spoken the speech should end in a comma. If Tai was grinning then there would be a need for a full stop as you cannot grin words (but you can say, state, shout, mutter, whisper, etc.). Also, try to avoid using too many adverbs to describe how a character is saying something:
'Stop rubbing it in our faces...' Davis said in a hurt voice. 'We were busy! We...'
Might be better off as something similar:
‘Stop rubbing it in our faces...” Davis looked slightly hurt. 'We were busy! We...'
However, despite having said all of that, the beginning does intrigue me quite a bit - I’ve always enjoyed post-02 stories which explain and expand on just how the digital world goes from being known by twelve people to everyone in the world.
| mikehuber chapter 33 . 3/14/2013