|Reviews for Legend of 3|
| AKAAkira chapter 9 . 6/12/2012
...Stupid thing somehow logged me out before I submitted the review below. (I had it written and left it for a bit.) In any case, at least your review count's bumped up an extra one, hmm?
| Guest chapter 9 . 6/12/2012
What liked best this chapter was the narrative that followed Mononoke's trail. The good action aside, the clues Valmayrick found were spaced out just enough distance and time away to lead to an almost surprisingly suspenseful entry into the Boss Room.
I'm not as impressed with Mononoke's general introduction, though. The male-rescuing-a-female sorta thing is kinda...overdone, and there wasn't anything immediately striking about Mononoke to make up for it. I'm not too sure what role she's going to fit in with respect to the other three, either; Arlanta's already the bow(wo)man of the group, no?
Might be a bit too early to say this, but be wary of putting in filler material. Generally, a story has to be as compact as possible, so parts that don't contribute to the overall plot more often than not serve to distract rather than entertain. Making Dunbarton seem more real was a valiant effort, but, as an author once said, "If there's a door, it's only because a man with a gun is going to walk in from it". Unless, for an extreme example, Manus' bandages had a side-effect to the extent of weakening the Hellhound beyond helplessness, thus being a crucial part of the rescue, it's probably better to (literally) cut to the chase. (Obvious exceptions include stuff for comedy or stuff for action - ever saw the Rule of Cool or the Rule of Funny articles on TVTropes?)
Well...keep in mind these judgements are made from looking as this fic as a story, though. There's nothing wrong with including your friends for that intrinsic purpose. Do they hang around FFnet too, by the way? (I know Mononoke's owner reviewed this once, some while ago, though she doesn't seem active.)
| AKAAkira chapter 8 . 2/17/2012
Uuuugh...darn it, I wanted to get into Tracy and the making-fun-of-Milletians-irrational-behaviour-thing next chapter...and then you beat me to it. Now I feel like the one copying...
Eh, those were fine. Points for making Tracy's attempt at manning up transparent, though I wished the Milletians' brawl was a little more expanded to the more ridiculous things they can do. (That bit's just my own preference though.)
Remember to switch a comma for a period after a dialogue sentence if there's a directive like "said" or "murmured" after it. For example, "'That was some powerful lightning magic,' Val commented" instead of "'That was some powerful lightning magic.' Val commented."
By the way, you called this chapter nine on the header at the top. Might I suggest using some sort of divider from between the encounter with Tracy and the entry to Dunbarton?
...Heh, do one really have the patience to accumulate one hundred thousand gold in Tir Chonaill?
Interesting first glance at Mononoke. I wonder what other roles she might play...?
You're pretty good at using the dialogue to keep the story, going, by the way. I *think* that's your strongest point..?
Nice update overall, though I'm of the opinion there could have been more...but maybe you left it for the next chapter, hmm?
| AKAAkira chapter 7 . 1/27/2012
I loved the Endelyon-giving-Val-a-lute comment. It's just a tiny little thing...but it was one moment of inspried cleverness where the game's quests and Val's own affections mixed together seamlessly.
And that "little girl' comment too. That was sooo ironic when Tracy plays around on his gender confusion in-game, and here, he's honestly mistaken for a girl. Haha, serves him right.
Oh yeah, I sometimes think I put the focus on the wrong stuff, ahaha. But heck, stuff like this are something I personally appreciate.
Anyways, on to action. It was a lot cleaner this time, nice way to make it easier to read. (A symbol of Val, Arlanta, and Yoji learning to work together even more effectively?)
You do seem to be taking some of my suggestions, if that meeting with Bebhinn and the mention of a subplot were indicater enough. Keep in mind, though, they're still to be taken with a pinch of salt, and they don't always apply to one specific case.
Overall, this is the best chapter I've read so far, and a nicely done one too. Hoping to see the next chapter soon.
| AKAAkira chapter 6 . 1/16/2012
Nice action there. Dunno if the switching of points of view were intentially supposed to make it seem chaotic, but it worked decently.
And you've also done a good job on covering a lot of grunt in a concise manner. Though, I think you could've done better on some of the characters - if I have her character right, Bebhinn, for example, would be an example of someone who chats her mouth away instead of just saying a simple "Nope".
There seemed to be some places where punctuation could've been better. For example, in the "Yojimbo knew staying in one..." paragraph, the switch from Val's POV to Yoji's POV wasn't given an ENTER key, and while the action *was* pretty fast, I still think commas could've been used in some places to make clauses clearer. In the case of the "After Val had caught up..." paragraph, there definitely should've been commas in between "again passing" and "incident letting", since there's no conjunctions there.
But overall, a nice update, and I see you introduced the Fomor Wizard. Let's see how Dunbarton fares...
(Oh, and by the way - "Caitlin" is actually "Caitin" in NA Mabinogi.)
| AKAAkira chapter 5 . 1/9/2012
You've done a good job of sticking to the original playthrough and mechanics as much as possible. Though personally I like to see suitable deviation - have you ever noticed how many scientific errors are in the mechanics? -.- And especially Lightningbolt, and its affiliated book. And C2's story was just plain fail...
Anyways, nice characters and personalities, and livable exposition here. Not sure where the male egos came from, though, wish you had an explanation for that.
One thing I learned from my own G1 story attempt, though, is that you need to kick the plot forward fast, and introduce an antagonist ASAP, otherwise the story will drag on long enough to drop readers. Unlike stories, games can afford the long gaps - in fact, they relish them, since that means more playing with the actual workings of the game. Stories only have words, no enemy AI or interactive action to take. Oh, and keep things interesting by throwing in unexpected stuff, a subplot, even - since it doesn't hurt to keep the Mabinogi fans glued with entertainment.
So nice story so far, hope you'll continue.
| shybutterfly9392 chapter 1 . 12/17/2011
Best story ever lol this is Ashley by the way or u know me better as Mononoke1111