|Reviews for Brilliant Choas|
| the-lovecat chapter 1 . 12/11/2011
There's a lot of emotion going on in this one little chapter and I love it. I'm going to do a wee bit of critiquing.
"It all happened so suddenly. He was alone, a wanderer he told them."
"He told them" is a tad confusing when the reader doesn't read on to find 'who' he was telling, or even who 'he' is.
"He carried a grisly injury to his left arm, cuts so deep you could see the bone"
I think you need to omit the 's' in 'cuts', because you say 'injury' as if it's only one huge cut.
"without warning the Altmer shot out huge cobalt sparks of lightning from his fingertips, shocking the very life out of the guard in an instant."
What a d*ck.
"I heard something about a guy walking in here a few minutes ago, they said he was hurt. They took him to the alchemy labs! From what I heard he's dead!"
That doesn't really sound like something a guy who's being choked by a scary mage would say. It sounds like he's open for conversation, rather than struggling.
Great start! I'm hooked. It has a lot of action, and best of all, it's original!