|Reviews for The Mysterious Alicorn|
| Subject-element-1-1-5 chapter 20 . 9/5
Jack two ftw
| Drkeo chapter 25 . 10/29/2015
that was something else, wont lie it was really different. kinda strange for sure. but good all the same
| Sempre Song chapter 1 . 10/6/2015
That was really good, for being short and all. I'm not a hater, trust me, my OC is an Alicorn, my name is my OC name, just in case you were wondering!
| Prime Jeremy chapter 1 . 12/2/2014
Not a very good story so far.
| Tison Valane chapter 1 . 8/16/2014
could have been a bit longer, but other than that it was a great start.
| Phantoms12 chapter 25 . 6/14/2014
I am at a lost on how to describe this and I liked it
| F.E chapter 25 . 11/19/2013
I think you are a good writer, and I have an idea for a new story if your interested...
What if Derpy Hooves had a long lost side of the family that she finds out about, while one of her cousins from that side of the family seeks vengeance for the death of his niece at the hooves of a serial killer known only as Karalynn.
The name of that cousin: Steele Hooves...
He has: Silvery wings, light grey body, mane and tail are deep red, his mark is a Pegasus soldier with a sword, and his eyes are traditional cross-eyed style, but his are a very deep shade of blue, and he always wears a dark green scarf just because he can.
I hope you like the idea, and good day to you, sir!
| thecallofbrony chapter 25 . 10/30/2013
i loved this so much man I was actually thinking about joining this site and I would be honored for you to help me make a fan fic of my brony and apple jack just send me a message at and I would really appreciate it if you helped :)
| DatReference chapter 20 . 8/11/2013
I got way too overjoyed at that Jak II reference.
| Notinthecomunity chapter 16 . 3/15/2013
| Poke-lover chapter 4 . 2/1/2013
This is, once again, a chapter that I will forget.
I see that you are taking a traditional "love at first sight" story.
You could've added more to the cuddling scene between Fluttershy and the Alicorn for some added bonuses in awesomeness but there was none. This was one of the scenes that is just screaming out for more detail and to give it more to offer the reader and I found it to be bland. Another thinkg, is that it would add more personality to Fluttershy for her lack of it in the previous chapters. If you could find the scenes that need the most detail you could give, I can assure you that more people could get into the story.
When Twilight came to give the alicorn a tour and leaving Fluttershy, you could've put us into the mind of the character by showing us a dilema between leaving Shy or going with Twi. By doing that, you would add more conflict to the chapter and give it a reason to be remembered instead of it just being there. Added a conflict to each chapter, or even propossing a new question for the reader to have a reason to read on, to draw them in.
EverythingwentbysofastIcould n'tkeepupandthewholethingfella part. The pace was much too fast for me. I know a lot of people are not picky with the pace of a story, but I believe that it is one of the features to play a role in making a story interesting. When all the events rush by after only a couple of paragraphs for it to shine, it creates a sense that something was missing, and there was.
You created a plot hole at the end with the rain when it wasn't scedualled to rain. You brought it up then didn't talk about it except about a slumber party. Where was that going? Would it be brought up? These are new questions I'. asking myself and I hope this will not becume a plot hole in the story.
All in all: I give this story a 45% mostly due to the addition of a plot hole and the fast pace of the story. I'm starting to loose interest with this plot but you are still having me hooked with the mystery behind the alicorn, but even this has its limits.
| Poke-lover chapter 3 . 2/1/2013
Whoops: I frogot to mention that I caught some possible signs of a romance between Fluttershy and the alicorn.
I give this chapter a 65% based on the no editing, cleche, uninteresting dialougue, Fluttershy's reaction, and use of cleche events.
Once again, I highly suggest that you edit your chapters after you finish writing/typing them before putting them online. You would catch mistakes, make changes to a sentence, see what works and what doesn't, and make the chapter better. What would help is to find a GOOD betareader, i put emphasis on "good" because you would want to have someone look over the chapters and look at the spelling and grammer (I'm not dinging you on that, just content), help restate a sentence in a better way, and gives advise. It is hard to find one thata can do all that, but if you continue to search, you may get lucky. It's just something to look at.
The dialougue is a little cleche. What I mean by cleche is that the ponies are talking like they are from a sitcom from the 60's, it just doesn't flow well. I'm almost wishing that they don't talk because I hate cleches because it's something we heared many times before. What may help is to speak the dialougue out loud. It will polish up something that is ear crunching.
The biggest thing that made me bit my fist was the lack of emotion in the words from Fluttershy when she found her house to be partly flooded. There was none. Like watching Tommy Wisau in The Room-horibble acting. I can kinda see that you're trying to show her as shy, but it just takes away from the emotion that I love.
I'm really not going to attack you again for cleches, I've done enough.
There's really nothing I like about this chapter and will most likely forget like the second chapter. Chapter 1 on the otherhand, WOW. I still remember it. That's a good thing. It's not happening here.
| Poke-lover chapter 2 . 2/1/2013
In the beginning, you repeated the thought "I suppose" close together and this made it seem a little awkward to me. I suggest reading over a finished chapter a couple of times and read out loud to find things that you may find you don't like.
I loved it when you explained some of the injuries that the alicorn has received. It's another hook that your readers may want to know what had happened to them to get those injuries.
When Fluttershy was introducing herself to the alicorn character, I could not tell that she was speaking softly until I looked closer to Twilight's interactions with the pegasis. This could've been stated with the quote and would've made a lot more sense.
I'm finding that you're using the show's set personalities for the characters, and I'm not saying that is bad. But add your own twilst on those personalities to give it something new and interesting to them. Your call.
The reaction to finding one self in a different place didn't match for me, he/she could've freaked out a bit but they seemed calm about it with no real emotion.
All-in-All: I could not really get into this chapter, where I could with the first one, partily because that nothing happends at all other than him waking up. The biggest thing for me was that I have seen this type of scene many times and it's a cleche, you could've added you're own ideas to the mix and spiced it up.
I give it a sideways thumb for this one. I still want to move on just because I want to know what had happened to the alicorn that gave them those injuries. That was smart to do.
| Poke-lover chapter 1 . 2/1/2013
At this beginning in the story I have no idea where this will go and a couple of questions are already being asked. That is a great way to draw in the readers. Some things could've been added a little here and there, but since not too much goes on with the character in a somewhat catatonic state and in the their POV, there was really nowhere to go with it, so you ended it in a good spot.
All in All: I give this beginning a thumbs up. Draws my attention and makes me want to finish this review and go on to reading the next chapter. It's good work.
| Her chapter 5 . 12/31/2012
I really wish you didn't say... "HE HAS A WINGBONER!". I can't get over that.