|Reviews for Epilogue|
| Lunastar of moonclan chapter 6 . 7/28/2013
You go from first person narration to third person narration back to first. please make up your mind
| James Birdsong chapter 6 . 5/6/2013
Awesome chapters. Cool story.
| Base10 chapter 6 . 10/10/2012
This story is a gem amongst a pit of coal. Something like this is rarely seen; you write with such proficiency that I can't help but desire more of this story! You do have a few grammatical errors here and there, and you seem to be writing in first, second and third person all at the same time, which is a bit confusing, but ultimately, you're writing style takes advantage of several powerful techniques which appeal to the reader emotionally.
Some advice though: before you write a chapter/passage, decide whether it will be in first, second, or third person, and then stick to which one you pick. That isn't to say that you can't deviate from that at all; we call that a POV change, but try to keep each "block" in a certain point of view.
When it's all said and done, your story is quite well written and I would certainly appreciate m04r chapters :)
| Unslaadahsil chapter 3 . 6/25/2012
The story is cool, and this chapter is marvellous. But i noticed that you have a little problem with the POV. It is a little confusing if you use the first person POV and the third person POV together, especially in the same sentence.
| Belphy chapter 5 . 4/5/2012
wow thats dark realy good but dark though i like dark so long as it isn't angansty... unless it is well written.
see i still follow the story i was just busy :)
| Charge the Cat chapter 5 . 3/31/2012
Now THIS i love!
You managed to properly convey the fear that red has... though I think theres a mission like this
| Chibikawa chapter 4 . 2/28/2012
Okay, first let me re-review chapter 3:
You definitely toned down the violence that took place between Red and Chocolat from before, which in turn helped make it all more believable. Though I have to say Chocolat bawling for several hours on and off seemed like an over-exaggeration in the opposite direction, but it still works better. I still feel like an apology was in order, though. It could have been sneaked in after Elh's explanation of her purring and before Red asks her what the book is all about. It would just help the siblings patch up this severe misunderstanding instead of simply brushing it off like it never happened. The ending is also still kind of disappointing to me, as it's not much of a resolution to what the entire chapter was leading up to.
Otherwise, it is an improvement and Chocolat is no longer so out of character. However, I severely suggest you proofread this. You changed the perspective and that required you to practically rewrite the entire chapter, but you missed a lot of spots. I lost count at nine where the perspective is still in first-person, but by then I came across an entire paragraph filled with "I"s and "me"s. They become ever more accumulative toward the end. That only makes it all that more confusing just which perspective you're actually going for.
So that's all I think could still use some improvement. It's still an extremely well written chapter, as I mentioned before. I just love your description of Asmodeous' engine room and all the complicated contraptions inside. So it was definitely enjoyable to read through it a second time, and that definitely counts for something.
Now for chapter 4:
You'll be happy to hear that I have absolutely no qualms with this chapter. It was quite delightful. The beginning leaves you speculating who's say what, which is the point. I considered it being Opera and Gren at first, but started to catch on before it was revealed that it was actually Red and Elh. Your description of a nervous and brushed up Calua created just an adorable image in my mind. And Chocolat is sweet as anything-probably your most accurate description of her yet.
So, yes. I really enjoyed this chapter and I see nothing that needs improvement. Bravo.
| Charge the Cat chapter 4 . 2/27/2012
I'm going to be honest and up front. This chapter was rather difficult to follow, as it seemed too jump from one perspective to the next. Sure, i enjoyed the characterization here, but the areas of pure dialogue had me flustered and confused for the most part. If you're going to be doing a chapter like this again, you may want to address this.
Other than that, great job.
| exewon chapter 4 . 2/27/2012
Well I don't have anything bad to say about the rewrite of chapter 3 right now :) Chocolat makes a lot more sense acting like she acts now. So you can just scrap the bad stuff in my last revieuw.
Now about this chapter, while a bit short was pretty good and enjoyable to read through. And while the subject was a sudden shift away from Red and elh it didn't suffer from it.
Don't got much else to say. Keep up the writing :)
| Belphy chapter 4 . 2/27/2012
that was realy good and iv'e got a new computer now
| exewon chapter 3 . 2/5/2012
Well I'm going to put in my few cents about the last chapter. Overall it was pretty good and believable. But I think chocolat's reaction was out of proportion. I can see that the idea of her brother peeking on one of her(and his best friend's) might upset her and she might not be a morning person at all which may make her a harsher then usual. She would never use voilence on her brother like that, but most likely would try to screw back his 'allowance' and yell at him Or give him the cold shoulder and screw back his allowance. Both of those reactions would have been more in character in my honest opinion.
And not to mention that chocolat didn't really get any flak for the fact that she actually beat up her own brother withouth a good reason. I think an apology for her reaction about the entire situation to red would also have been in order at the very least.
Also some of your paragraph's are a bit wonky with wierd jumps to the next lines Like [quote]I took a quick glance around, and made a dash to the clothes line. A
jacket fluttered in the turbulence[quote. it really screwed up my reading a bit. Probably just a small oversight on your part.
But now the bad stuff is out of the way lets look at the good stuff. Both Red and Elh where believable and in character. I can totally see red bursting into a room in just his underwear because he thought somebody he cared about was in danger. Just as much as I can see elh decking him both in shock and embarrasment in that situation. So you got those spot on.
But all in all :) I enjoyed it and I don't doubt that you will manage to avoid the OCness of chocolat in the following fic's.
I'm looking forward to them :) see ya next time!
| Chibikawa chapter 3 . 2/3/2012
Wow... This was a interesting one. The beginning was intriguing and the outcome was sweet. But holy crap the middle... Chocolat beating up Red and cursing and... well, being in a sour mood in general was so out of character. All the violent arguing between her and Red was quite disturbingly uncharacteristic, too. I liked how you portrayed Red most of the time (except for that taking a dump metaphor-way to ruining to moment, Red) and I loved how you portrayed Elh all of the time. But Chocolat was totally unrecognizable. She never did a single violent thing in the game, so I don't know where you got the idea that she would ever lay a hand on Red, no matter the reason.
That aside, I did like the story. Everything except the scenes with Chocolat were very nice and extremely well written. The topic was lighthearted yet still somehow deep and of course totally adorable. Yet, again, all of that hateful violence in the middle kind of made it hard to find comfort in the end. I still wasn't over the fact that Chocolat just BEAT UP Red and then they go and have a spat at each other later on. I see how an argument was necessary due to the severe misunderstanding, but it was far too harsh. And then them just totally over such cruel treatment to each other after Elh's explanation was hard to grasp. I believe some serious apologies are in order before we can call peace on this situation.
I hate to say it, but that was what kind of ruined it for me. I really liked it and I probably would have loved it if not for those so over the top violent and uncharacteristic moments. It's an extremely well written story, but I just wish the characters were more recognizable.
| The Pen Vs The Sword chapter 2 . 1/14/2012
Sword: Those were good chapters! I laughed a lot at the second!
Very well written. We bow to your writing skills.
| Chibikawa chapter 2 . 1/14/2012
This was a funny chapter, to say the least. Your humorous description of Alman was spot on. That guy is a weirdo, but he does make for some good laughs. Very nice chapter. Poor Red just can't catch a break sometimes.
| Taz chapter 2 . 1/12/2012
Alman never fails to creep me out/crack me up, especially Red's reactions XD I was surprised to see such a burlesque character in a kiddie game.