Reviews for Right Moments
Shoggi chapter 18 . 4/27/2009
I just found your story by browsing through the completed stories.

And i must say: it was amazing.

The timelopp idea, like you said is nothing new, even in ranma fanfiction, but your version is one of the best if read.

Most fanfics feel like... fanfics if you read them, but yours gave the impression of a completely thought out story.

I must admit it was sometime a little bit confusing, especially in the kami plain part, but that didn't stop me from liking it.
Nosferatum chapter 18 . 3/10/2009
Good story, though the second part with all the mystery just did not impress as much as the first one. IMHO, of course.
Frank chapter 18 . 1/24/2009
It was a really good fanfic that I was enjoying immensely...until the Kami plane stuff...Then it fell apart in a hurry and I could not stomach reading the rest...Still excellent start to it though.
MrNeedsToRemoveAllFavs chapter 11 . 1/22/2009
It wasn't Athena's daughter who became trapped in Hades. It was Demeter's daughter, Persephone if I remember correctly.
Sopchoppy chapter 18 . 1/7/2009
Greatness.
DarkBlueHated chapter 5 . 12/11/2008
Aww, *sad face* Ukyou is my favorite fiance and she was soo cute in this fic that I really wanted them to get together but it doesn't look like it now! D:
DarkBlueHated chapter 3 . 12/11/2008
Yay! Exactly what I wanted to happen! :O I've dreamed of never ending days and I always loved stories about them. At least there is a lot of fun involved! :3
DarkBlueHated chapter 1 . 12/11/2008
Timeloops! :O Groundhog day! :O Love these, sadly there aren't many! D:
Ganheim chapter 10 . 9/13/2008
Chapter 1

Prologue – “A Day of Peace”

like ocean breakers against a bedrock cliff.

[Aren't ocean breakers the rocky constructs that break waves before they can reach the shore cliffs/beaches? So shouldn't this say 'like waves against'?]

Knowing the enchantment of the mirror had almost faded beyond his ability to repair (the tape and superglue hadn’t worked),

[Points: 1]

Japlish annoys me. English is best when introducing/naming new techniques.

[Uh-huh. Sure. Yeah. Right. 'Japlish' annoys you, but you'll still have “obligatory” Japanese like 'Ranma no hentai']

Chapter 2

Soon through no fault of her own,

[I'm seeing that a lot.]

Chapter 3

He suspected he was responsible for getting himself out of this, but was used to letting the actions and initiative of others make him react.

[A simple characteristic of the younger Saotome.]

Chapter 4

Mentally going over the fight with Happosai, Ranma realized the old guy always used multiple moves with layered indirection.

[Seems like a good strategy.]

He promised his father never to use the forbidden technique in fights; the old Panda actually encouraged him in perfecting the deadliest branch of the Saotome school.

[I'm a little confused – Ranma's not supposed to use the techniques, or he is supposed to use them?]

The potato salad he’d hidden inside had already dissolved the bottom and was burbling happily on a bare patch of soil.

[Points: 1]

the insanity the Kuno clan,

[the insanity _of_ the Kuno clan?]

They both liked anime, which she thought childish.

[*Rimshot*]

Akane yelled “Ranma no Hentai!”

[What happened to avoidance of 'Japlish'? Besides the missing punctuation.]

“Why do you can’t you control your temper and not hit me?”

[Extraneous 'do you'.]

Chapter 5

“Kijin Ryu Dan!” The vacuum blade streaked toward the attacking Genma, and the useless glutton didn’t dodge, perhaps out of disbelief.

[So I guess the idea you stated in the beginning of the story, of introducing attacks in English, is something you aren't actually sticking to?]

at the result, he watched Tendo patriarch suffer an embolism from conflicting energies.

[Well...it's not a pathological cause but I suppose it's not completely out of the realm of believability.]

while he felt warm looking into Akane’s eyes, his perceptions had changed. From talking to her unguarded heart, Ranma believed Akane could never trust him, because deep inside she lacked confidence in her ability as a wife.

[An interesting conclusion to come to after all this time – something I think could have been realized a long time ago.]

Someone dying inside the aura web used an emotion based ki attack, shattering her iffy control. With a silent, endless scream, the power released itself in a spectacular self-feeding explosion. The Nerima prefecture vanished in a devastating ki-bomb.

[The price of toying with forces beyond one's control.]

Chapter 6 “The Illusion of the Abyss”

She felt a hole in her mind, but it vanished from her conscious awareness.

[This doesn't appear to lead to anything of significance, so I'm wondering why it's brought to the audience's attention anyway.]

Until Akane could live with herself, sharing her life would be sharing Akane’s own painful self-recrimination, and Ranma was not a masochist. Ucchan wouldn’t be happy unless Ranma was happy, and Ranma doubted that future. The fiancée-tangled knots of honor still bound her, but now she saw ways to unravel them.

[Of course, this cuts out most of his possible fiancees and doesn't really solve anything.]

He could concentrate while energy overload ripped him apart, a redefinition of limits he thought impossible before.

['Redefinition' to say the least.]

Minus the unrestrained ferocity, he could mimic the catfist’s claws with Musubetsu Kakuto Ryu

[Missing closing period.]

depending on any emotion, even it, would be unhealthy.

[even what?]

Returning his full attention to the physical world, she (now that the waters of the pond had returned) found Kasumi kneeling at her feet, her parents having sex, Soun Tendo in a posture of relaxed meditation, and Akane crying.

[What the hell? Primary confusion: when was Nodoka ever there?]

Sighing, Sound replied,

[Spelling: Soun]

With odd nobility, like a prisoner walking the plank with his chin high,

[What an interesting reference.]

Akane sadly whispered, “Ranma, what have you become?”

[Something at the same time a little more and a little less than human.]

Ranma’s clinical tone reassured her and Kasumi nodded

[Missing closing period.]

“Hey Ran-man, you already have a collection, why not let some range free?”

[Points: 1]

Compared to Ranma’s other options, this was tossing giant lobsters away for the chance to catch minnows with mercury poisoning.

[I don't like seafood so the metaphor was slightly ruined, but at least the point came across.]

Placing the grabby Kuno girl on the chair by her desk. Ranma

[Based on the flow, I think that a comma was supposed to follow 'desk' instead of period.]

“Undeniable proof!” The exclamation was accompanied with a fine steel bola.

[She has an interesting way of communicating. I wonder what feathers would fly if she and Mousse ever crossed.]

Chapter 7

Though he lacked Ryoga’s toughness from the boulder-build-up training, constructing a protective-ki shield against the debris came naturally.

[Many have theorized that Ryouga's toughness came from a ki shield of some sort, as he'd been knocked out easily when caught unawares.]

Nodding happily Ranma beamed “Nabiki’s room. . . . 100,0 yen. . . . . the look on her face. . . . priceless!”

[Missing comma after 'happily', period after 'beamed'. Still funny.]

Shampoo’s precision karate chop hit his carotid artery, ending the battle.

Dodging didn’t matter if your opponent thought five moves ahead, cutting off the avenues of escape.

[This is the first time you don't portray Shampoo in a highly negative light.]

Upon seeing her husbands spaced out smile

[husband's?]

“Brute force won’t banish a Sanity Drinker,

[Okay, the name 'sanity drinker' was funny. Even if its effective use wasn't - there's a lot of things thrown in for little apparent reason but to toss something new in.]

Chapter 8 “Battling and Becoming”

(akuma means devil or demon)

In strange epiphany, he understood though flying was amazing, landing would really suck.

[Points: 1]

he deafened his ears. The first time, it had shattered his eardrums and lost him the fight.

[Turning off the cochlea isn't going to prevent them from being damaged.]

Using Happosai’s projection technique, he called forth the surface that was a plane, twice as large as himself, but paper thin, and pointed the Klein Bottle’s nozzle back at the ancient woman.

[You first describe the shield as a plane, then referring to it as a 'Klein Bottle' seems a rather sudden jump. And I found it amusing that you referred to his action with the Klein Bottle as 'pointing', because part of its technical definition is that it is a non-orientable surface.]

by 150 for violently waking her.

[QuickEdit eats punctuation like the percent sign.]

having noticed how the grass underneath Ranma’s feet had shriveled and died.

[I'd wondered if others had used this effect to portray the uncontrolled draining of life around them.]

Kasumi’s death would have shaken him into releasing the Demon he had just defeated.

[Personally, I thought that this 'demon' while a potentially interesting idea, it detracted from any pursuit of the main story. In other words, it appears more a pointless side-track then development. It comes out of no-where and disappears leaving essentially no trace after its short arc is done.]

-If you want to know more about Klein Bottles, use Google. The in chapter description is spot on.

[What description? You just mention he points it back at the attacker, you don't give any description at all.]

Chapter 9

Katakana – the simplified Japanese alphabet used to describe names and places

[It's used for sounds and non-Chinese foreign loanwords.]

speaking humbly in technically perfect Chinese: “Oh withering mummy, she who scares little children and is known for incontinence, please be content to punish this unworthy sterile game-animal!”

[Mousse _would_ do something like this.]

ready spill guts for those wonderful meals, Ranma had already left.

[ready _to spill his_ guts for?]

Flashback Genma

[Cheesy indication of a flashback.]

“So if I have girls, they’ll be under this curse too?”

“No.” Her cheerful eyes shouted ‘Surprise!’

[Does not compute. If the curse applied only to females, then it would have required that the family line was entirely girls all the way to Nodoka. I find that more than just highly unlikely.]

“Really Ranma, the curse transfers through women; don’t marry a man. Why do you think I’ve pushed so hard for your manliness?”

[If this is the case, that 'multi-generational curse' would have ended as soon as a male heir was born.]

The door to the office closed slammed slut ( author’s Freudian Slip)

[And as non-funny as most Freudian Slips. In other words: not.]

Ranma raged “Why! I close! I almost understood!”

[Missing transitioning punctuation. And the grammar is off, I think there's a word or two missing in his dialog.]

Shampoo’s heart was a problem he’d created himself. Was it fair to merely abandon her?

[I'm surprised to see an idea like this with as much Shampoo bashing as was in this fic.]

Chapter 10

if you’re domain is ‘Ancestral Curses’

[Spelling/punctuation: your]

Knowing that she jumped to conclusions occasionally, Akane decided to give Ranma a little leeway.

[How unusual.]

“Shikoku!” Shouted Ranma in triumph.

[Obligatory Japanese.]

Do you want relish or barbecue sauce on your carcass when I watch you reveal your Jusenkyo curse to Akane?

[ Look, it's more out-of-character acting from the original character you claim is Ranma but barely ever acts remotely like the canon figure.]

“Normally I would fight you for such ignorance,

[Is this Ryouga or Tatewaki? You don't say.]

the mayor of Shikoku can tell you about the Ghost Boar. It’s a nice place; I visit every other time I go to Furinken High School. It’s on the way.”

[Unexpected tie-in of Ryouga's first appearance. Possibly.]

“Akane.” Ranma said her name

[If the following narrative directly modifies the dialog, then it's a direct speech tag and should be connected with a comma instead of period.]

with a small flourish Ranma presented to his gray robed instructor.

[presented _it_?]

“Much like poor Nasrudin.

[This name does not fit Japanese syllable construction.]

Brother Ichiro wondered if his prodigy was already too spiritual to accept the inherent flaws in a human woman.

[ Debatable: though easily a distraction, the companionship believed to be a base element of the Natural Order is by no means necessarily a thing to distract intellectual ascension.]

Though the idea was interesting, the characters rapidly fell out from their canonical selves. There's quite a bit of speculation that could be interesting, but there's also a load of character bashing (or at least drastic breaking) on everyone from Ryouga to Kodachi to Shampoo. Ranma himself becomes increasingly out-of-character; yes he's trying to escape a loop but despite his profession to perfect the art he enjoys a challenge and there is no reason to turn him into a godly sort of figure like you've done here.
Ky Hakubi chapter 18 . 4/8/2008
Well, I must say I enjoyed this story thoroughly... Until about chapter 8.

It seemed that I was reading a different story entirely once Ranma sought out the kami plane, and more or less died when the cycle of days was finally broken.

I don't know what to think about the Sudan situtation...
BlackRoseFire chapter 18 . 1/27/2008
This is a great story. Please continue to write fan fictions.
Asgeras chapter 5 . 12/24/2007
This fic just keeps getting better and better. One surprise was how you Akane was eventually left behind, despite the initial setting. Usually, authors tend to favor their intended pairing right from the outset. It looks like you threw me for a loop, but I realize it could still go any which way, especially with what happened between Ranma and Ukyo within this latest chapter.

Thanks again for the fic.
Asgeras chapter 3 . 12/23/2007
Well, time for a review. I know some would attribute asking for a review on a given chapter would be akin to whining, but I don't think so. It is, after all, the least one could provide to someone else who gave their time and talents freely, solely for the entertainments of others. Well, maybe not solely for others, but...well...you get the drift :P

I honestly don't understand why nobody else has done a groundhog's day setting for a Ranma fanfic. It's rather ingenious, in my opinion. Obviously, just like the movie, the ending will be a culmination of a much more learned Ranma, where he also gains the heart of his chosen. Given what you've presented so far, it's fairly obvious that you're part of the church of the true fiancee. At least in spirit, if not in actuality. Personally, I rather like Akane and Ranma, but don't like seeing them as a couple. That's just my opinion, of course.

Well, thanks for the fic, and I'm definitely looking forward to reading the rest.
mikebreslau chapter 14 . 11/17/2007
I was having trouble with your characterization of Ranma. True, he is ignorant and uncultured due to his father's excerable upbringing, but HE IS NOT STUPID. You show him as rude, arrogant (which he is, somewhat) and abusive (which he is not, at least not intentionally).

He comes to the kami plane as a supplicant, seeking a favor and having no means of repaying same. Under these circumstances he would be cautious and as polite as he could manage - he would not insult and kick the kappa because (for all he knew) the kappa could be the goddess he sought in disguise!

You have him partially chastened and enlightened in this chapter, but he still has too far to go for my taste...

Still, its an original and interesting story, well told, and worth reading.

thanks
mikebreslau chapter 11 . 11/14/2007
“Miyuki-chan in Wonderland” is one of my favorites, and totally appropriate for this story given its repeating-day theme. Nice touch.

I note with interest that this story changes character from time to time, almost as if it were written by a sequence of authors. You bring it off quite well.

thanks,

Mike
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