|Reviews for Beauty and the Edward|
| AW chapter 12 . 11/10/2012
I think I'm going through withdraws...need a new chapter soon... :)
| AW chapter 12 . 11/6/2012
Really great chapter, looking forward to 13!
| robfans chapter 12 . 11/5/2012
| circushow chapter 12 . 11/4/2012
Hey I haven't actually finished reading this chapter but I wanted to tell you that I like the story concept. I think you're doing a smooth job of switching the narrators between Edward and Bella's perspectives. It seems like you're a mature writer in some ways except the dialogue. There is nothing wrong with what the characters are saying. It's believable and cleaver, but the syntax you use where you group several ideas together in an exchange does not sound authentic to me. Could be that I'm not the only reader that is annoyed by this. What you should do is start a new line every time a different person speaks and alternate throughout their exchange. For example in the beginning of this chapter the dialogue with his father starts out sounding pretty natural up until the point where Edward's father ask him a question and instead of answering Edward backtracks in their conversation to respond to what he said earlier about Bella being young but not naive. It takes me out of the story when Edward goes "Um yeah" in the middle of that back peddling on the convo. If you were wanting the father to really sound like he was on a rant, without letting Edward respond in the middle, then it would still be better to have him first answer the question like that before going back to respond to the first statement. You could do that out of order and it would still sound more like a realistic conversation between two people than hearing each of Edward's responses jumbled up chronologically. What I'm trying to suggest would look something like this in the first scene:
"Start talking." Edward said.
"You're rude son, what about hello how are you father?" He said with an arched eyebrow.
"I learned it from the best, so what do you want to know?"
"Well the girl you chose, she's beautiful - a bit too young, but not as naive as I assumed she would be. Her little outburst at the dinner party proved that."
"If she was too naive it would look too fake, I thought what she did at the dinner party was amusing."
"Are you sure you can get her to marry you soon?"
Edward looked away from his father, he was starting to forget about their plan. He forgot that he was suppose to be using Bella, it didn't seem like a plan anymore.
"Um yeah I'm working on it, look dad I don't know if I can do this anymore. Can't you find a loophole?" He asked cautiously.
His father glared at him and crossed his arms.
"Are you ridiculous Edward? Don't you think I've looked for loopholes? I wouldn't put this family's future in your hands if I had a choice, now you are going to get her to marry you."
"I won't let this family down, you can rely on me."
"If you love her get over it, we both know that kind of love doesn't exist. Everyone uses each other."
"I'm aware that type of love doesn't exist old man, I'm not an idiot, you raised me well. Emotions will not get in the way of what needs to be done, so you don't have to worry about that."
"She's living with you for free, do you think she would care about you if you were ugly with no money?"
Edward clenched his hands together making them into fists, somehow he found it hard to believe his father right now. Bella seemed to care about the inside of a person not the outside, but maybe unconditional loves didn't exist. His own parents didn't even love each other, so how could he ever find love? He had been acting like a stupid school boy with a crush and he was forgetting what he was here for. Bella would have wealth, power and everything else a young woman could ever wish for, it seemed like a fair deal.
"Don't let your guilt stop you from getting what you want." He said sounding angry."
"Oh trust me we will get what we want, I'll make sure of it. I'm bringing her to the black tie event, we can finally introduce her to society." Edward said, trying to sound as emotionally detached as possible.
His father smirked, obviously pleased with his son's answer. He wiped away a fake tear and clapped.
"Maybe you truly are my son after all. The black tie event will set everything into motion, you better put a rock on her finger soon." He said.
Edward didn't say anything, he just nodded his head. He felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, but he tried to ignore it. He just needed one good stiff drink and he would be as good as new.
I hope you are not really offended by my suggestion, and I don't want to sound like I'm being really picky about syntax in something you have obviously put a lot of work into. It can be hard to keep a balance when the dialogue is mixed with some heavy descriptions as well. This example is just one of several I have noticed in other chapters and I think it's a pattern with your writing. You don't have to listen to my suggestion if it's just part of your style. Not everyone is going to like the same styles of course but I thought you might consider doing it differently if I explained my reasoning. You're obviously quite intelligent if you can write the dialogue in this manner. I'm sure I would have a difficult time keeping the responses in the order that the first speaker expresses them and doing it without skipping any. You should consider making it easier on yourself and the reader by breaking more. I'm going to finish reading now but I can go ahead and tell you in advance that it was great and I really enjoyed it. Keep writing!
| Guest chapter 12 . 11/4/2012
Ugg! Finished to soon I need the next chapter... You are doing a great job, keep it up
| RobandKrislove chapter 12 . 11/4/2012
Gahh...Never thought we would have a new chapter so fast. It was 3 a.m in the morning here in Germany, I was about to go to bed but I thought just take a look on youre favorite story and look what makes me happy.
I love this chapter..I really do. But I wish Edward would realize that Bella really cares about him, and loves him. He is a smart guy..he should figured it out by now. And did I mentioned that I really hate his Dad.
I'm glad Bella stood up for herself, it is important that she doesnt look like the fragile girl.
The Bella in this story is awsome...a really strong character and I love that. Cant wait for the analysis for this chapter, I love to read youre ideas...please update the next soon. Cant wait! Love xxx
| enayat chapter 12 . 11/3/2012
| jess chapter 12 . 11/3/2012
wow! when you warn me about the sexual things i though they would... you know. I love this chapter! I'm glad Bella finally realized she wasn't being herself, and I can't wait to see Edward torn, about telling Bella about the love. He doesn't even know what it means. But i was expecting them to fight again... when she came home after Starbucks with Jake, but they are so in love that they cant fight aymore hahah
| Guest chapter 2 . 11/3/2012
I liked this chapter.. I really like how you bring out Edward, its like your showing him in a way we have never seen! Great Job
| Guest chapter 10 . 11/3/2012
| Aliyah chapter 12 . 11/3/2012
Do you know when you plan on releasing chapter 13
| Guest chapter 12 . 11/3/2012
It's like both Edward and Belle are 13 year old. Their behavior is so immature. I bet they will split and then get back together at least few more times in this story. And of course there is evil plot to keep them apart. Seriously it's like high school.
| aliyah.okeefe chapter 12 . 11/3/2012
When is the next chapter coming out?
| Isha Dev chapter 12 . 11/3/2012
| vishi chapter 12 . 11/3/2012
i totally loved this chapter.. Edward is so stubburn, he knows he loves her, but goddamit his ego n his past wont let him admit that.. But bella did the right thing. She should wait.. She deserves a love making, not just sex.. Great chapter KIM xx