|Reviews for photogenics|
| EllsParaph chapter 1 . 12/17/2011
whenever i see summaries that aren't generic like, 'oh no! this and this happened, so what will become of whoever and whoever?" the story tends to have some density.
i found some techy issues, so here goes.
"The shutter clicked on a moment when Hibari was least prepared for the flashbulb; at the time he's holding a stick with a limp marshmallow on its tip and a grimace between his lips, and probably a dozen different methods of committing unintentional manslaughter are flickering between his eyes."
here there's a mixing of past and present tense. the event, as the narrator describes, has already happened. so when the narrator continues to refer to the past, continue to write as if he was still referencing to the past. "holding" should be "held," and so on. I do this often.
the preposition "at" should have been used instead of "on." At, indicates a point in time. It's subtle, but it changes the feeling of a sentence, especially if the focus is imagery.
i think some commas will help too. Oh, and maybe, if you cut back on a few words, the sentence would flow better.
I'm not a fan of parenthesis for things that could have been fine without them, but i'm a bit unsure of how they are used here, especially the last one, so maybe i'm wrong?
This is sweet, and not very bitter.
i especially like the dialogue; it suits them. writers usually overdo it, or they rely on it, as if it were the heart or the legs of their story.