|Reviews for Path of the King|
| Hood'sGate chapter 19 . 1/23/2013
| Faraway-R chapter 19 . 1/23/2013
Blink blink. So, the mercenaries are about to attack - Servant, Caster, on her Territory. When she is relatively low on energy and didn't want to draw attention to herself...
Atlas times two.
| Zaralann chapter 19 . 1/23/2013
Very good chapter!
| SyQadelic chapter 19 . 1/23/2013
The spiritual influences of ancient Mystic Code creation are simply brilliant. They are reasonable, fascinating, well-thought out, and canonically compatible as far as I can tell. Keep up the good work!
| evelsaint93 chapter 19 . 1/23/2013
I bet my friend $10 that you would
| Orchamus chapter 19 . 1/23/2013
Damn, now you've got me feeling twitchy.
| Gateman chapter 6 . 1/23/2013
This whole chapter is in italics for some reason.
Out of curiosity, what do the **s mean in chapter 2? I can guess at a few but the rest aren't as clear.
" sweat with the back of his back and shook "
back of his hand ?
" Oh no. By the Root, the Akasha and everything in between. No! "
Isn't the Root another name for Akasha?
" If anyone knows what he's doing among the students here that would be you." "
I think you meant to say 'knows what they're doing' but I can't really tell
" if the two of you were at each other's neck all the time." "
this is fine but 'each other's throats' is more colloquial.
I love how you mesh all of the different characters' perspectives together in this chapter and how you explain Issei not liking Tohsaka (even if in canon the "reason" for Shinji's madness was that he didn't have working circuits). Humorously enough, I don't think there's any mention of Issei batting for the other team in canon. He just comes off that way.
| Gateman chapter 5 . 1/23/2013
" Besides the few theft and robberies there weren't "
" father ripped from the cold finger of one of his targets when he was still in the "
Fingers Unless their crest was on a single digit of course.
" required some convincingon Shirou's part, but "
Convincing on sometimes eats the space after italics.
" Perhaps she should have been looking for her remains as she should have done for Kotone so many years before. "
Are you referring to the incident with caster in the 4th war? Didn't Rin find caster's master then?
" address the boldness of him sitting at her table united. "Did you find anything?" "
I think you meant to say 'uninvited' here. That said, wouldn't it actually be his table that he invited her to?
" Neko-san over there is already glaring dagger at me "
" she might kick out of the "
Kick me out / kick us out
This chapter was a lot better than the previous ones and jumps right into the action. It's surprising that Shirou was able to use the magecraft from that victim though. Are runes that different in your headcanon? In F/SN all I remember is that lancer uses them once and presumably has different uses for them that go unmentioned.
| Gateman chapter 4 . 1/23/2013
" He run to the bathroom before "
" time friendship Shirou never revealed her his nature as a Magus "
revealed to her
" activities and related trainings. If "
training / training sessions
" The burning and the chocking and "
choking spellcheck's a bitch isn't it :)
" me. You saved and I'm happy to be alive now "
you saved me and
" dried himself, got got dresses and left "
himself, got dressed
" jerked open and the famishing beast made its entrance. "
ehh...I suppose famishing is fine, but 'famished' or 'starving' is more colloquial
" things but your stile is entirely "
" light blush. Something that flew right over Shirou's head but didn't escape Taiga. "
ehh...I guess it's fine but you don't really need the 'something' there.
Avalon not working without Saber is *arguably* the *most* important plot point in the Heaven's Feel route considering how he acted in Fate (severed spine and cut damn near in half "I wish I was the one carrying Saber home instead of the other way around" thank god they cut that from the anime when gilgamesh attacked in the park). Still, if you keep it minor it might be fine.
Nice chapter, you capture the feel of F/SN while giving a good introduction to people that haven't seen the original. It's almost like "From Fake Dreams" but your story seems more grounded.
| Splout chapter 18 . 1/23/2013
I don't have an account so I'm voting here I'm gonna go with Luvia since Waver will be apart of this no matter what so why don't we go for two non fate/stay canon characters!
| Gateman chapter 4 . 1/23/2013
" used to deal with pain after years. "
" wasn't capable of appreciating but he certainly was. "
Appreciating _ but.
" hollow man. He realized it since the day he discovered who he actually was. "
Realized it the day / knew -(or something) it since the day
" greater sensibility to read the atmosphere. "
Awkward phrasing. I would use sensitivity here. Atmosphere works, but since you spent the last paragraph talking about the weather, it sounds like you are referring to the air itself.
" Grasp of the man strength "
" deflect and injury the first, the second. "
Injure / cause an injury to
" one of the weirdest Teacher-Pupil relationship Shirou would ever see in his entire life. "
" was akin to break the laws of thermodynamic "
Breaking the laws of thermodynamics
| Gateman chapter 3 . 1/23/2013
I suppose it reads well to someone who has never seen or read F/SN before. Did you make those changes to this prologue in order to condense the information for new readers?
With regards to canon, Shirou shouldn’t have knowledge of so many blades in UBW. He only knew about Caliburn due to his connection with Saber and the rest of UBW from his connection with Archer. Still, Nasu plays fast and loose with the rules of his universe so why shouldn’t you :3
“ But then things happened and I couldn't believe in that dream anymore?" “
This should be a period not a question mark.
The chapter could probably use a sentence where Shirou asks Kiritsugu to teach him magic early on but I can’t see where it wouldn’t break the flow of the chapter.
Talentless? You have him be a master of reinforcement in the coming chapters. In canon, he only succeeded at it once or twice in his life before the events of the Grail War opened his existing circuits.
Nice cold opening.
“ boy, Emiya-san, the fake janitor as he was called nowadays for his inclination generally helpful to everyone, going as far as taking care of repairs of school appliances. In a sense those two were part of the reason for her current situation. Those two “
Inclination to generally be helpful
“ Still, she couldn't use that as an excuse with his schoolmates, since she “
“ could excel at school while helping others and while having a work she couldn't do “
While having a job/while working
“ did people choose to ignore wise advices until “
Advice I have seen this used before but it always looks wrong to me. i.e. It’s fine but not colloquial.
“ magic, she was going to get in big troubles with “
Trouble / have troubles with
“ Tohsaka returned to the alley by herself around the same time as the first evening. She wanted to find out some clues on the mysterious vigilante who run amok in her territory. It “
Ran / was running
“ "Good advices should be put “
Advice also, it doesn’t make sense that Shirou would word it this way unless Tohsaka had said her bit about ignoring advice out loud. It seems too pithy.
“ business were I go or “
“ to do I saving others from ”
Is saving / is to save
“ that she had no longer reason to ”
No longer had reason
“ logical reason for Tohsaka behavior, but ”
“ Both Shirou and Tohsaka had to put aside their late night quests and worries in order to face something a lot more common yet equally dreadful.
Midterm exams. “
Nothing wrong here but if FFN decides to cut the line break there, your readers will be seriously confused by your jump from one scene to another with no indication whatsoever.
“ the kind of person I think she is, she won't stop at nothing to get what she “
Stop at anything to get / nothing will stop her from getting / nothing will get between her and
The thing with "advices" and "troubles" isn't bad enough that you *need* to change it. It just looks bad.
It’s implied that Shirou will do this after the events of the series. Especially in Fate and UBW. Also, I thought that English wasn’t your native language from reading it.
| tomaO2 chapter 18 . 1/23/2013
Okay, I've read a number of F/SN fanfics at this point and I feel confident in saying that this is, hands down, the best pre-Grail Shirou ever and that goes double against the cannon version.
Not teaching Shirou how to use his circuits properly was a horrible, horrible nerf of the first order. Never able to use more then one circuit at a time, always suffering extreme pain in order to even get that much... Plus, even with Avalon, his unused circuits degraded badly from the poor method. All this and he didn't get a single weird benifit from the whole thing, except possibly the ability to manage incredible pain.
On top of that, he's just not a hero early-on anywhere else that I have read. Even Fake Dreams doesn't make him a hero, pre-Grail. He's more of a weapon who's purpose is to destroy the Grail. Your Shirou uses his abilities in order to become a genuine superhero. Huzza! Even better, he's using the bow as his primary weapon. I LOVED the fight between him and the swordsman. Oh sure, he's a sword incarnation, so he will need to learn swords eventually but what a waste that he did all that training and when he fights in the story he uses essentially sticks for the most part.
I like the power progression. Why hasn't brain reinforcement been done before? I've always been a bit dissapointed with Shirou's Reinforcement skill because, despite the fact that Shirou is supposed to be unsually skilled in this area, I never felt that his ability really was shown off compared to all the other magical fighters.
The way it's developed in this story, however, makes me feel like he really has developed it to a fantastic point that he has progressed it to an amazing level just like he did with his Projection. Plus, when he finally links the brain and body reinforcements, he will be on par with anyone one else that uses one of the other kinds of body amplifications, rather then being shown up by the other combat specialists. Heck, with that kind of speed, he won't need to learn that two handed counter attack style since he should be fast enough to keep up (although it's still a cool style to learn). The origami constructs was a feature I especially enjoyed. He knows hypnotism too. Seriously, that's like a skill every magus needs to know, job one.
It's much better then with Fake Dreams because, in that story, Shirou feels way too overpowered (although after reading about Tsukihimi, maybe it's more reasonable. Seriously, a guy that can cut anything, kill anyone and even destroy a reality marble in one hit is scary stuff). I started to get annoyed with how many super abilities he kept coming up with. Like the whole Projections that last forever. *tisks*
For Path of the King, I feel that he's gotten a much better, more natural, development. He doesn't need to be able to kill a Dead Apostle and I really prefer him staying under the Clock Tower Sealing Designation radar. I do kinda wish this version was able to have gotten a tiny crest like FD Shirou did though. I also wouldn't say no if Caster gathered Kitskaru's bones up after she finds out about how those bullets are made and creates a new code from it.
Regardless, I think you did a wonderful balance with how you worked things. Also, if I'm mentioning future powers, I really liked the idea of him being able to put swords into his reality marble that was written about in your F/SN, Love Hina crossover. To me, it seems a natural progression to be able to do that. His body is made of swords and they have burst from his body before so why not be able to push them in?
Yea, he's stull dumb at times. I had to read and re-read Rin's confrontation with him to get his thinking because I was right there with Rin. He saved that girl's life and Rin OWED him. However, he's distorted, so it works. I was kinda impressed with how you wrote that bit after thinking about it for awhile.
The relationship with Caster was brilliantly done. I liked the gradual way Shirou wormed his way into her heart. I'd still like to see her end up with her cannon master though. Jeez, everyone in this story has had a really rotten life haven't they? Like Rin may have had the 'best' life of anyone alive. Maybe Lancer had the best life of the Servants. I never really thought I'd feel compassion for Caster given how she was such a villian in the story but I see things differently now, just like I do for Rider.
If I had to make some criticisms... I'd mention Shirou's first appearance as Archer. Saving Rin and her friends from the criminal rapists seemed a bit cliche. Especially when you show off that capturing Rin was a goal of the villian. I think the original fight would have worked better if you had made those goons into thugs hired to capture Rin or her friends and when that didn't work they went to plan B and captured the friend. I believe that would strengthen the narrative.
The other thing is that I have read that even with a ton of Prana, a servant can't stay in this world unless they have a master. The Archer class has independent action which allows him to remain in the world for 2 days and that's the longest limit. So I'm not sure how Caster manages without a master. Unless I a missing something. I know you've likely taken other liberties but I think it might have worked as a story idea for him to reluctantly take Caster as his Servant and perhaps pass her off to his Sensei later on.
One thing I am also leery of is harem. I'm not saying I hate all harem stories (I love World God Only Knows and Hayate the Combat Butler, among others) but I got some really big reservations with the idea that a relationship with two or more women, at the same time, is a good idea. I can't think of a single manga I like where the protagonist is in a stable relationship with two or more women.
Like, look at a manga like Sekari. Sure, those aliens SAY this is how it's supposed to be but I wonder exactly how much they were modified by MBI beforehand. I just can't help but wonder if it's really in their best interest for so many to hook up with Minato and how it's supposed to work naturally. Who is supposed to be the slave when Sekari react to each other?
It's possible that the Rin/Saber/Shirou pairing might be a setting that worked but then again, I didn't like that manga either because he's just too big of a nice guy wuss for way too long. So I never got to that point, although I have read summeries afterwards. I've also read 'In Flight', which is an okay story overall and did give some interesting insights as to why it might be reasonable for those three to have ended up together.
Still, when I read how Shirou believed Shinji about him not wanting to use the Bloodfort thing I threw my hands in the air and dumped him. I also had problems with this whole sex thing being the only way to help out with prauna transfers and to calm Sakura's worms. What kind of a lame weakness is that anyway? I can't believe that an ancient spellcraft that has been devloped for centuries would actually allow the needing of sex in order to survive.
I have to be really sold that everyone would be far better off together. Like, with your crossover, Shirou was with Saber (gone now) Rin, Rider AND Sakura? Two of whom are sisters? Just feels excessive to me. I don't really see the need for that many girls. There are really precious few stories that I think work with that kind of relationship.
So far, no harem antics and you are doing a great job of developing various relationships. Could be that you are going to pair him with one women at the end after all but if you are intending to have him end up with two more more girls I really want to believe that they are all way better off that way.
The only multiple girl relationship I've actually liked so far (and I've read well over 5 million words on this site by now), was the Ranma/Rei/Askura pairing in 'The Wild Horse Thesis' and that's because all three of them were broken birds that just plain NEEDED each other. They all had traumas that they dealt with and healed together that just wouldn't have been managable to them in any other way. They were also able to sidestep any potential jealousy issues. Although, even there, I thought the second relationship developed kinda fast and I'm not completely sure she would have gone for it. But I felt it was the best of what I've come across so far.
Well enough of that. Criticisms aside, this is easily the best F/SN pre-Grail fanfic and my favorite straight F/SN fic, period. I wish that the Shirou you have created was the actual cannon Shirou. That's how great of a job I think you did with the character. Fantastic job and I look foreward to seeing the rest of the story.
| Gateman chapter 1 . 1/22/2013
Interesting story picture, it makes Caster look like a real person...ehh that is to say character vs charicature. Prologue looks generic but people with good taste say you have good taste.
| Rising Dragon chapter 18 . 1/22/2013
And now you've gotten me to imagine Shirou, Arturia, and Medea all standing side by side, hands on their hips, and laughing like Gilgamesh while they use their own personal Avalons to tank everyone else's strongest attacks.
Kind of a disturbing mental image, really. ._.