Reviews for The One Inside
superkate7 chapter 1 . 4/6/2012
What? I have never heard of these charcters... what are they like?
User96422 chapter 1 . 12/26/2011
Really, really cool! I will keep my eye on it!
Ten ways to spoil dinner chapter 1 . 12/24/2011
Hm... there's a lot to say about this.

First things first, there seems to be too much telling and not enough showing. Your style is basically "This happens! This happens! That happens!" and it leaves very little room for detail, which tends to be the meat of a story. There's not a whole of mood because of this, too. Describing some of the scenery, the characters, and going into detail is what makes stories pop. You should practice describing things. It gets pretty simple when you've done it a lot. Try just describing what's around you. Also might help to look up words that describe, as well, to help.

The worst part of that, honestly, is the opening line. It's just sort of bland. Again, it goes to showing versus telling. The line should be able to paint a clear picture in your head, and

Another thing that bothered me was putting in the pronunciation of Tokenbari. To be honest, in most writing, writers generally expect that their readers can figure out the pronunciation of a word, or can look it up if they're stuck, because putting it in the middle of a story like that distracts the reader. If you want to include it, perhaps put it in an author's note at the beginning or end of the chapter.

Those are probably my major issues on this. Besides that, I did notice that your grammar was pretty good. Had some nice word usage in there, such as pumping heart.

I hope that this review was helpful, and that you take it into consideration as you continue to write.

"A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding gift a reader can give . Please use this golden opportunity to offer a well deserved praise and/or tips for improvement."


Ten ways to spoil dinner