|Reviews for Vallaslin and Lyrium|
| RunningWords chapter 26 . 1/16
Well done.I'm normally not one to like endings (mostly cos I don't like things I enjoy to end.) But at least here I can say tthis ending was good. It wasn't all "happily ever after" which made it seem more realistic.
| Guest chapter 12 . 1/14
I've been enjoying this story every night before bed.
| RunningWords chapter 6 . 1/13
I love LOVE this so far.
| Lady Red Darkness chapter 26 . 11/29/2013
I know this is a pretty late review, but you we see why.
It has been quite a bumping journey. I'm glad you managed to finish up your story. This must have been an interesting learning experience.
There are quite a few good moments in this story, some stronger than others, but as a whole it lacks consistency in quality and in structure. I've mentioned this in previous reviews so I wont spend long rehashing what has already been said. There are too many ideas, fun and interesting ideas, but too many for one story. I feel like it would have been a much stronger story had it just focused on Merrill's and Fenris's journey back home and their developing relationship; not going back and forth between them and Hawke's group (or the villains).
There were moments where it felt cliche, some parts I felt like I've seen before: putting Merrill in a dress and Fenris thinking she was pretty, Merrill singing and Fenris liking her voice, talking under the stars, kissing in the rain, almost everything about the villains. None of these were bad, but very teenage television sitcom, as in, very forced romantic situations. Also, that's why I said previously that the villains were a bit cartoon-y to me. They weren't really fleshed out beyond 'we're bad'. Which would not have been a problem had you not given them names, therefor significance, and one an ability the subdue Fenris. I never really felt they earned their place in the story. The boss character was better, but then again he should be since he is the boss.
As for the ending, I wasn't surprised that Hawke died. I knew from the moment he was going psycho that was what had to happen in order to keep it Fenrill. It could have been avoided had Hawke not been explosive and...well, psycho. The baby thing is a big pet peeve of mine. To me, nine times out of ten, it's just a really cheap way of cementing a relationship. It's usually pointless and really only there so we can shrug and say, 'well, it looks like it's permanent'. Again, very teenage sitcom-y.
Your story had A LOT of potential. It started off strong, it made sense: Fenris and Merrill get kidnapped by slavers, they escape, now they most work together to get home. But somewhere down the line something happened. The story went off track and for 10 chapters it struggled to get back. Honestly, I think most of these issues could have been resolved if you had made an outline. As a reader, I could tell there were points when you were unsure of what the next logical direction should be for your story. You being someone who wants to write and eventually publish should know the importance of an outline. Even a simple one would help a lot. Thinking back to what I read, I really feel like rereading with pair of scissors and a needle on hand, trim the fat, stitch things together, polish up some writing, and then BAM! Awesome sauce.
Now I haven't read your next story, so I don't know the details. But just consider what I've said. You don't have to necessarily agree with everything, but just give it some consideration. I may be a novice writer, but I am a veteran reader. I don't want to discourage you, I want the opposite in fact. If you ever need someone to bounce ideas off of just send me a message. Honestly, I would like to see oneshots or a couple of short stories from you rather than a (possibly long) sequel.
| Selvira chapter 26 . 11/24/2013
I look forward to that sequel! I have no idea how the war is going to fare without Hawke tipping the scales. Baby! The baby will be adorable. :3 You did a great job!
| Nightheart chapter 26 . 11/24/2013
Awesome! I can't wait for the sequel, but on to this chapter and the one before it. I can't believe you killed off hawke! I was very surprised and definitely did not see it coming. Well done on the twist. With all of that lyrium in Fenris's system, and Merrill strong mage talent, I winder what kind of wierd superpowers that poor baby will end up with. I'm certain those markings aren't hereditary. Oh, and Danarius is still going to keep trying to get his property back since he isn't dead yet in this one so I wonder how you'll address that in the next one. And since Merrill had destroyed her mirror and banished the demon will her Clan and Keeper want her back (especially since she's likely to have a mage baby and those are very prized among her people)?
Overall I think my very favorite scene in this story, if I had to choose one would have to be where Fenris and Merrill were running from the Varterral in those old Elven ruins and they tried to climb the statue of Fallon'din to escape. it was such a vivid image for me for some reason it really stands out; I could see it in my head like one of those scenes in a movie. So I will be on the lookout for the next story.
| Hatsepsut chapter 26 . 11/24/2013
Oh, what a wonderful ending. You gave them a baby! How adorable would a baby made by those two be, awwww...*melting into a pile of goo*
Good work my friend, and I'm so proud of you for finishing it. You made an impossible romance seems believable, something that I don't think I myself could do...Keep calm and wrote more!
| Hatsepsut chapter 25 . 11/23/2013
Shit. You killed Hawke! I was not expecting that!
*picks jaw from the ground*
Lovely end, though, my friend. And Merrill was awesome in this!
| Yukiko Ami Owari chapter 24 . 11/17/2013
I...am in love.
Wow. I haven't been on my account for almost 2 years, huh? So I check up on some of the stories I remember the most (see:this one.) And let me just say: this story has bloomed beautifully.
No joke, there are actual tears in my eyes. I'm so happy I'm caught up, so I can be here for when the next (last?) chapter comes out.
| heavenoverhell chapter 24 . 11/16/2013
i cant help but to love you for this story and hate you for a the damn cliff hangers good job
| Nightheart chapter 24 . 11/15/2013
It was worth the wait! I think we must be sharing a brain, I swear, because I had a headcannon for your story that if Fenris had to learn a new weapon to compensate for his handicap (no pun intended) it would be the sword and shield. He wouldn't actually need a had to use a shield and if his lead-hand was the one that was severed he could just learn to weild with his off hand. I loved the scene where Fenris kissed Merrill and also what Isabella had to say about it. On a side note... what do you think of the notion of Arcane Warriors? I have a new little something I'm working on, but I'd like a second opinion if you'd be willing.
| Selvira chapter 24 . 11/15/2013
Nothing wrong with jumpy transitions; time passes by, you get to a whole different point. So the couple has been outed! That's so cute! And Hawke is taking things SURPRISINGLY well all things considering. Now we have to deal with an ambush! Looking forward to the next update!
| Hatsepsut chapter 24 . 11/15/2013
Gah, what's with that arrow? Aren't you going to give them a moment of piece? And just when things were settling down, hawke had accepted their relationship (sort of) and the cat was out of the bag!
Evil, that. But well done, my friend. I can't wait to see who it was that fired that arrow!
| Hatsepsut chapter 23 . 10/30/2013
Oh, finally, a rescue. But I think that Hawke and fenris are heading to a head-on collision. Yes, you're right. I'll be waiting with bated breath. Good job!
| Lupi-wolf chapter 23 . 10/30/2013
Go Merrill! I like how Merrill seems to have more of a backbone than in the game, good-job.