|Reviews for Omniverse Chronicles Book I: A New Kind of Hero|
| Phantaum chapter 33 . 3/21
American civil war anyone?
| Leftover General chapter 1 . 8/4/2012
Really good, im only one chapter in but it feels like im actual reading about the characters i know and love, so far its actualy better than "all four one", mind you that was crap but it feels very profesional. Even though its 4:30 im finding it hard not to press the "Next" button. This is my first time reading fan fic and im very very impressed. Good job. If i could write like you i'd kill both Qwark and Nafarious and be done with them for good.
| Mason chapter 1 . 7/10/2012
Hilarious! This would be a great game!
| Ganheim chapter 12 . 6/21/2012
an adrenalin rush
rotors struggling to get a grip on the air
[Rotors with grip…right…as opposed to struggling to slow their descent…]
their jets of blue flame missing Zander's face by inches
[Though by all realistic intents would’ve still scorched his face and probably whatever arms were holding his ankles]
Ratchet had come to count him as a friend
[Nope, don’t buy it. He might feel responsible for the outsider, but time and events have not conspired to make them empathize and thereby become friends]
Zander was, for lack of a better term, the same
[I understand the point, but I think this is part of why he got along with Talwyn. The gender wasn’t really an issue (something I was glad of – obligatory romantic attachments disgust me), she was an adventurer (like him), and they were comparable ages (or at least seemed close enough to relate)]
It do not look
[This sounds like his speech processor is damaged. Or like he sounds like Shampoo, but she’s from a different franchise and has an excuse for not being fluent in the common tongue]
"I'm stuck like this forever
[I’d expect something like this to happen eventually, but I don’t really see sufficient catalyst. They really didn’t even encounter the Kerchu, but if they were howling curses at ‘lombax’ then it would make sense because that would have gotten his mind stuck on the topic]
Clank with a hand signal
Then they knew nothing
[I thought the know-nothing party was dissolved]
see, were vast swathes
[The comma interrupts a contiguous idea]
actually a lombax". Angela snorted.
mirror lately?" Zander smiled
This time, he could do nothing about it
[How is this different than before? He’s still inexperienced and impotent]
The race is far from extinct
[That much was explicitly shown in A Crack in Time when Ratchet’s shown a portal to a lombax city that bears more resemblance to the cityship in Stargate Atlantis than a refugee colony]
"You may proceed
[This reminds me of Daemon (thought by many to be an expy for the Melissa virus) from Reboot, Season 3. Except they counted down (in binary) from 1111]
also with a tail?
[This adds ambiguity to the sentence – I could ask if the tail’s his or a new cragmite mutation, but I think that it doesn’t really add anything and the idea is best served with this cut]
to prevent his friend's demise
[Use the Clank Zapper from Going Commando?]
The blade's descent stopped abruptly
[I find this overly convenient. They might drop the blade, or if you want Zander to survive the holder might lurch in pain and bury it in the floor next to him, but simple physics: objects in motion tend to remain in motion (in one direction) until acted upon by an outside force. A shout isn’t going to do that unless you have Sonic Shout powers]
What made people think Zander was the main antagonist?
[I can’t see anything, but that would’ve been an incredible twist]
the minute buckle
[There would’ve also had to have been something over the shoulders or Zander would pivot and Clank’s thrusters would burn him]
from how well they tessellated into a cohesive whole
[This is an interesting way to mention the things patched together. Technically tessellation requires repetition which scavenged materials likely wouldn’t be able to do precisely, but still…]
I wouldn't ever say no to him
[That’s a potentially very dangerous thing. People didn’t say no to Stalin, Mao, or what is now the Il (Korean) dynasty either. Some scholars (myself included) also suspect this is what happened to the final pharos in each dynasty Egypt saw]
everyone has character flaws
[But most character flaws won’t lead directly to genocidal campaigns, or an extremely likely chance of making massive strategic mistakes. Racism tends to as a rule, not just as exceptions]
What do you guys think of the lombaxes' government being similar to the Roman Republic?
[The games never say one way or another, hence you’d be able to claim they have anything and it would still fit. I made the Ta'ree have a fairly heavily Roman-influenced government structure complete with Proconsuls in Ratchet & Clank: Wormhole]
part of some formal exchange
[Um…duh. Formalities are part of formal exchanges]
We're lombax consuls, not cragmite emperors
[That could be seen as insulting to the council around him]
our number people have been running
[I’m not sure what this means. The lombaxes have been experiencing difficulty as a whole?]
I had Clank…" Clank spoke up
[Source Mixing, even more obvious here than in other areas]
who was your father? He may still be with us
[I thought implication was extremely clear that Ratchet’s father stayed behind (this known to the other lombaxes) in order to keep an eye on the Dimensionator and other things]
you could not have known about Ratchet and I
[A logical leap, but one that I can easily see Clank making if he’s got time to put 2 and 2 together]
"That is impossible". Zander was
[I have no idea why you added a paragraph break after ‘said’ when that normally directly moves into dialog. Then there’s the Source Mixing with Zander’s internal thoughts immediately following another character’s dialog. Not good because it acts as an identifier for the paragraph]
"Tell me something that only I would know
[Very few things would be known by video game characters (most especially action-adventure ones like Ratchet or Clank, which have absolutely no revelation of internal character thought) that other characters couldn’t figure out. It also gets into a trivia game because not a great deal of players would remember things like Sigmund’s installing the quantum actuator]
believe you". Zander was confused.
[Source Mixing. You need to be careful to keep Character A’s material with Character A’s paragraph, not doing so adds a lot of ambiguity and in more troublesome spots becomes poor writing]
forgot about it? About a broken arm
[I do agree that’s rather stupid to “forget”. I’ve been lucky enough to not have had a serious fracture, but even a fracture is something that WILL NOT let you forget about it. That and I thought you implied everybody saw a medic or at least had some level of treatment]
completely forgetting that 'minor' detail
[I still think implying it was taken care of “off-camera” would have been more effective. If there’s a mistake, it’s usually better not to bring attention to it. Fix and move on]
acting as all mothers should (or do
[Should. I’ve worked paralegal and seen what some mothers do with child support money. Hint: it doesn’t always go to the child]
His old set were nowhere
[“set” is singular, hence “was” fits]
Despite how handy tails were for body language
[Or unhelpful: just imagine the conscious control and training you’d need to have to camouflage your body language. It would be like having hair that changed color depending on your mood, you’d never be able to lie or bluff, and that can be a very serious backdraw]
years, Sondra said;
champagne". Jerec smiled
and a costume change
[Actually, I have a complaint about that. They’re in such dire straights that councilmen are eating rodentia SCRAPS, and yet somehow your prime OC gets a fresh coat of paint…er, tailored clothing that is clearly not cobbled together? I don’t buy it]
I've got to deal with a moody fiancé
[This almost sounds insulting, even if it’s whispered. I don’t know if she’d be able to hear it (the ears lombaxes have are structured in the same manner as desert creatures where their use is primarily as allowing blood to cool rather than being more specifically structured for superior hearing). Anyway, culturally I’m used to “keeping problems in-house”, you don’t present your problems to an outsider if there is a problem inside The Family, you fix it in-family and let others thing you’re a strong, united whole. That’s fairly common across humanity, and tends to hold for things based on humanity (ie every fictitious race ever written)]
You have distinct and defined characters, and I give you definite props for not making Zander an overpowered or "corny obligatory" reason for being the center of the story. For a long section until the teleport crystal he's "just there" like Vaan from Final Fantasy 12. I keep worrying that you're trying to force things, particularly when I glance at your author notes, but once it comes to the actual narrative everything tends to come across as logical, so good work so far.
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 6/21/2012
citing her original four-winged design as 'a lead contributor to intimidation tactics
[That and with the alternate configuration you can’t say “Lock S-Foils in attack-position”]
special on leviathan souls"
[You seem to have a tendency to forget to add closing punctuation. There’s question marks, but generally not commas or periods that should terminate the dialog]
and carefully lifted the limp boy
[I see this a lot, and I know he may have been in bad condition, but what about spinal injuries? Moving people with spine injuries tends to either cause A: death or B: permanent crippled condition from exacerbated spinal cord damage]
but not any of the shards of glass
[Do these things not have lids or an “open” button?]
but it is not"
[Missing punctuation: like this. Where’s the period?]
"I'm still here, you know". Ratchet cringed.
"Good night, Aphelion
[This is Source Mixing. The only identifier was Ratchet, which marks the whole paragraph as belonging to Ratchet. The problem is that he just spoke – it’s still entirely possible that he speaks again in the next paragraph, which is why you need to keep your identifiers and dialog straight. Either add in a detail marking Aphelion, or move the detail about Ratchet down to his paragraph. When you break to a new character, you should break to a new paragraph. Just good writing]
it took Clank a while to climb onto the armrest quietly
[Hasn’t he used his propeller for similar situations before in the games? Not much need to climb when you’re not built for climbing, if you have quiet flight capability]
fanboys every Saturday".
[I know that short quotes are handled this way in the school system standard in Britain (haven’t been there in a while, so if that’s changed I wouldn’t mind note). However, in dialog it’s always “close the sentence spoken before moving on”]
you've just double the numbers
[doubled the number, I think. Otherwise that sentence sounds awkward]
Why am I a...lombax?"
[Actually, he might be a Cazarian (the species that Sasha was). The body structure was never described, but lombaxes were never depicted as having uniform fur or dark fur. Granted, we only have three examples in the whole series, but that’s still all the data we have]
from, Zander?" The other took
[This is edging towards Source Mixing, but since the dialog is clearly identified and the other character’s action is a small (non-dialog) response it’s one that’s easy to read in stride]
Its only sentient species call themselves human
[Except dolphins and mice…]
Earth is at its outer reaches
[Actually, Terra Sol is easily a full third in from the galaxy’s rim, and is in the Orion Spur (or Orion-Cygnus, I’ve seen it marked differently in different cartography charts) of the Carina-Sagittarius arm]
How else would Zander know of us?
[Sensationalist news media, like Vox Network?]
Secondly, to be compared Douglas Adams?
[Don’t be so eager to put other writers on a pedestal. I’m on chapter 5 of your fic and have never managed to get past chapter 3 of Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It had a little humour but was too dry and droll to feel worth the investment]
the better you are at it, the more you worry about mistakes
[It’s because once you learn a mistake can be made, you know to worry about it. As they say, “In ignorance is bliss”…or chaos, more like]
Ratchet is in-character
[Ratchet has been relatively non-active in the story and hence has had little opportunity to act either in or out of character. Clank on the other hand has been a major secondary character and has acted…off, I think a little too engaging when Ratchet was the one to bring the OC (or insert) in the first place. Clank is fairly friendly and perceptive and it’s more his expression that’s centered on stiff rules of logic, but you’ve applied that to his behavior and internal thought too and that doesn’t fit with his behavior and characterization in Up Your Arsenal or the Future duology]
or there's someone spying on your every move and turning it into a game?
[I don’t mind OCs (I am an original fic writer), nor do I mind a well-integrated “real world-crossover”, but I do not believe that “the game is real” can EVER be done well. I think that this realization or its depiction in your story so far has been a little awkward, there are so many conveniences in a game that if you want to do a crossover of real-world and fiction, you have to remove the fiction from the real world (ie removing Star Trek from the real world if you wanted to do a reality crossover with Picard’s Enterprise…or some such). I’ll keep an eye out and point out details as I can]
to put my under a microscope
[my what? Cells? Brain? Hopes and dreams?]
you've got a universe's worth of scientists
[And all of them presumably already have jobs working for big companies already directing their research]
you don't know how to break it to said world's inhabitants whilst maintaining their trust.
[Easy: we received your transmissions of the Historical Documents]
have their fun".
[Mispunctuation. For dialog, you need to close the statement before moving on. Keep an eye out for this, you’ve done it quite a bit]
Why was I under the impression that Ratchet was the last lombax in this universe?"
[Bad writing? Seriously, even a dedicated evacuation or genocide would be unable to completely scourge really any people. The Jedi survived in Star Wars (in droves, if the expanded universe is to be believed), and you only have to read post-hurricane (or storm) obituaries to note people who actively resisted organized evacuation, as well as get the hint that others did so and survived]
about it, yes". Al suddenly
[Source Mixing – look at this line and note how the narrative marks the dialog as Al’s]
I'm a computer technician, not a biologist
[I thought he was a genius plumber, much like those “I have every PhD imaginable” folks from comic books. He just happened to give Ratchet the exact piece the Dimensionator needed]
but was still very different",
[I think that Clank would give at least some form of detail. This just repeats exactly the sentiment expressed above]
the nanites that you administered Zander to heal him didn't know what species he was either
[Realistically nanites would be more likely to liquify you if they don’t recognize the microscopic structures comprising your body, but even in the Ratchetverse they’re referred to as universal pick-me-ups and not transformative agents. Oh well]
I have no idea where to look for her right now".
[The Falnar Galaxy? Heh heh…]
and her expertise allowed the Protopet incident to be resolved
[Or started in the first place]
None of this was new to Zander
[It is to me. There was never any indication that she ever left the Bogon galaxy, and events in UYA never left Solana. Well, except for the asteroid Nefarious was on…possibly]
incapable on intergalactic
hoping not to give away his position
[Why, is he Sneaking?]
and an overwhelming desire to keep moving forward.
Ratchet was busying himself about scanning
[Or playing video games…]
to the Starship Phoenix
[Why would that just be drifting? It was a FLAGSHIP!]
I completely forgot she was mine
[A multi-billion dollar space cruiser just tossed at Ratchet…eh…]
it looks like nobody's messed with her
[Unless they were smart salvagers like the folks in Serenity]
the doors opened
[The power wasn’t out?]
Ratchet's ownership of the Phoenix
[I thought he was just stationed on it. The Phoenix was a crewed CRUISER, not just a fighter]
[first flight. Oh, and by the way, wasn’t Ratchet’s first piloting during the Drek attacks?]
Then all was still
[Except for the escape pods…which were abandoned to die a slow death of starvation in space…]
neither was it very 'chum-like'
five minutes". Zander's voice
Engaging Cryosleep… at his destination
[Wait, isn’t cryosleep normally only used in ships lacking superluminal drive due to the massive strain it puts on organic matter at the tissue and subcellular level? And the long time it takes to put somebody in/out of it? Most movies get that horribly wrong]
accept his new, appearance
so good" ventured Ratchet
[Your closing punctuation in dialog is something you need to watch]
"Head to the nearest bar
[Because relevant information can always be found in a bar…]
My owners have only recently been discharged from the asylum
[Okay, that’s funny]
in that old construction site that nobody's ever worked on for some reason
[Convenient, that. Just like oh how many games]
Some people round here are MACHINES
[You should look at the length of Reflections Lost on a Dark Road. Lathis and Captain Chryssalid are juggernauts]
| DarrinDraskin chapter 1 . 6/10/2012
cool story, next one is comming along very well. keep up the good work.
| Temporal abnormalities chapter 36 . 4/13/2012
BRILLIANT, AWESOME, AMAZING!
Sorry for my lack of reviews as of late...
I am still an avid reader, let me assure you. :)
Thank you for writing this, and I'm still quite keen to hear what Ratchet thinks about being a video game character... ;)
| Fruitbird15 chapter 36 . 4/9/2012
Yay! I've been waiting so long for this! And I loved your head canon about Lombaxes. Makes sense...
| Roller77 chapter 36 . 4/9/2012
Nice, can't wait for chapter two.
| Jerod2447 chapter 35 . 4/8/2012
Sweet job so far! Keep it up!
| Magic Of Every Kind chapter 35 . 4/8/2012
Lovely chapter, no matter that is was short, I think it was the perfect length for the content. Well done :)
A sequel? Yay! I guess that makes sense as Omniverse Chronicles Book 1 kind of hints that there will be more...but I'm still happy to have that confirmed! Here, have some oxygen, you've earned it. I think it's good you've decided to take a break, gives you time to gather your thoughts and plan for the next wave of epic-ness that is Zander's new life. Good call.
And thanks for the mention, I'm honoured you enjoy my tale that much, even enough to place it amongst your favourite fictions. Thank you. I love reading your work too and look forward to the continuation of Zander's adventures with much anticipation :D
| Fruitbird15 chapter 34 . 3/26/2012
awesome chapter! Nice action! Oh, and I spotted this: "Jerec gave a pleasant not of agreement" do you mean nod?
| Roller77 chapter 34 . 3/26/2012
Ha Ha, Jerec got fooled, big time! But now he's going to be even more dangerous..
| Magic Of Every Kind chapter 34 . 3/26/2012
Ok, ok, here's your review! Umm...er...p-please put that gun away and then I can tell you what I made of your chapter...in safety.
Thank you, that's better...
Well, I, er...liked it...very much...yessir, very much indeedy.
But seriously, this reminds me more and more of Star Wars every time I read a new chapter, what with Jerec turning bad (sort of like Darth Vader) with Zander kind of being like Luke Skywalker minus the whole 'I am your father' drama, and I love Star Wars so that comparison, for me, is a good thing. Your space fight scene was brilliant! They can be tough to pull off but I think you did well. Good job! And your plan/strategy/thing was very imaginative and clever, so jolly good show on that too.
There, I gave you a review, happy now?
| alaxbird chapter 34 . 3/25/2012
all i have to say is great job. i dont think i can see any way you could have made it better